Oh Canada
Mar 8
As you may have noticed I haven’t really been blogging all that much recently. I assure you, it isn’t because I don’t care about the Sports Fan Paradise franchise (’Disechise, as Bardo and I affectionately call it)(Just kidding we don’t), but because responsibilities at my real job (the one that actually pays me) have grown increasingly strenuous. Don’t feel like I’ve given up on blogging and turning this into something more substantial, because I haven’t, but I may be looking to outsource the day-to-day quips and clips to some fresh talent. Sort of like how Michael took over for Omar…or more realistically how Dukie became the new Bubbles.
Anyway, that’s just talk for now, I haven’t decided anything. The nice part about blogging is that you can’t get fired (unless you’re the Insneider) and there is nobody to tell you when to write (unless you’re Karaoke Craig. Seriously dude…200 words about anything…please).
The only reason that I’m writing now is because I don’t have to go to work (it’s Saturday) and I didn’t go out drinking last night (it’s not a typical Saturday). My girlfriend had never seen The Godfather so we stayed in to watch it last night. I felt like it was my duty to educate her. Thankfully she has already seen 3 seasons of The Wire so it was easy to explain the structure of the Corleone crime family:
Me: “Vito is at the top, like Avon Barksdale. Tom Hagen is like Stringer Bell, he is the top adviser to the Don.”
GF: “Who is Don?”
Me: “No, Vito is THE Don.”
GF: “And those two?”
Me: “Clemenza and Tessio, they take orders from Vito through Tom and have people under them that do the dirty work, sort of like Stinkum and D’Angelo.”
GF: “Does Clemenza have a Bodie?”
Me: “Yeah, in the book, but he’s not in the movie.”
GF: “Oh, OK…what about that big guy…Luke Abratzy?”
Me: “Luca Brasi?”
GF: “Yeah”
Me: “Wee-Bey.”
Anyway, long story short I woke up hung-under on a beautiful Saturday morning and figured I’d throw something up on the site. A question sent to my personal email from my buddy Andy in L.A. inspired me to do a mailbag, so here it is…
Mike,
I just got done eating an Arby’s Beef N Cheddar with Curly Fries. It was excellent. Rank your favorite fast food chains taking into account proximity, taste, price, abundance, exoticness and “the hour after” feeling.
-Andy
Good question. You caught me a month into my annual health kick so this will be a very difficult question to answer without salivating. I’m not the guy who works out and eats healthy for 4 weeks and then just has to go to the gym and can’t even remember why he ever ate crappy food. Just the opposite actually. The more I work out the more I hate it, and the more I eat 5 small healthy meals a day the more I want to willingly enter a massive food coma thanks to a 20″ Capone’s Steak and Cheese sub.
If there are any typos in the rest of this post it’s just the drool sticking to the keys. I apologize in advance.
#1) McDonalds - 4.5 stomach grumbles
I am ranking my favorites based on Andy’s 6-star system, and Mickey D’s comes in first with 4 and a half. It crushes all others in abundance and proximity, no matter where you are in the country (or world for that matter). I am a gigantic fan of the taste: fries are amazing, nuggets bring me back to my childhood and the Filet O Fish is still the GFFSOAT (Greatest Fast-Food Sandwich of All Time). A wise man once said, there are 2 types of people in the world, people who love Battlestar Galactica and people who have never seen it. I feel the same about the FOF: everybody who hates on it has never tried it, and everybody who has tried it loves it. The value meals can get a little expensive, especially when you throw 2 extra FOFs on the side, but the dollar menu does enough to earn McD’s a star for price. It loses out on exoticness (besides bringing back the McRib there’s not much they can do differently to satisfy me) and only earns half a star for “the hour after feeling” because you never feel good after, but it certainly isn’t as bad as some other places.
#2) Kelly’s Roast Beef - 4 stomach grumbles
With all respect to Arby’s it has nothing on Kelly’s in Revere. While Kelly’s gets a point for proximity (just northeast of my Charlestown apartment) it gets nothing for abundance, since you can only get it in Mass. The rarity does earn it a point for exoticness, and they should probably get bonus points for taste. Whether you go with the classic roast beef, the fish sandwich or the double burger (made famous by Morgan in Good Will Hunting) you can’t go wrong. I’m not giving them a point for price, because a meal there has crept toward $10 which is too much for fast food, but the after effects are minimal, so they finish up with a good score.
#3) Taco Bell - 3.5 stomach grumbles
Abundance: Check. They’re all over the place.
Proximity: No check. The only ones around Boston are connected to a KFC and everybody knows those are half-assed 2nd-rate shitholes.
Taste: Check. I love it. Can’t help it.
Price: Huge check. They have like a 29 cent menu. It’s absurd.
Exoticness: Half a check. I didn’t have the Bell until college so it’s still relatively new to me. And they throw new shit on the menu pretty often.
Hour After Feeling: No check whatsoever. I have to designate 2 hours minimum to the porcelain throne after a Taco Bell trip, but I usually plan to go right after a new Sports Illustrated comes out, so its all good.
#4) Chick-fil-A - 3 stomach grumbles
Abundance: Half a check. I guess they’re all over the place but you never say to your buddy “wow, another Chick-fil-A”…just doesn’t happen
Proximity: No checks. I’m not going all the way to Burlington or Peabody for a chicken sandwich. Next closest is New Hampshire and then Jersey.
Taste: Huge check. Just get the classic. Can’t go wrong.
Price: Check.
Exoticness: Same there every time. Can’t give a check for this.
Hour After Feeling: Half a check. Like Mick Deez it’s not great, but it’s like Dubai compared to Taco Bell’s Fallujah.
#5) In-N-Out Burger: 3 stomach grumbles
Abundance: On the west coast, I guess. Doesn’t help me.
Proximity: Michigan.
Taste: Unreal.
Price: Relatively expensive.
Exoticness: Put it this way, I’ve been to the Baseball Hall of Fame more times than In-N-Out.
Hour After: Still in heaven.
IN PART II OF THE MAILBAG I CHECK THE SFP EMAIL ADDRESS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A MONTH AND FIND SOME VERY INTERESTING QUESTIONS…STAY TUNED…
Bardo Gets L O S T
Mar 3
Editor’s Note: I have been way too busy recently to blog. Sorry. If you’re really bored playing online Mini Putt. My new low is 21.
Seems like a fairly mixed bag of reviews for LOST’s sixth hour of the season, “Sundown.” The main criticism lodged is that nothing happened, a distant cousin of “we got no answers.” In terms of satisfaction with the episode, to each their own, but I would argue that this season has benefited from the trimming of the fat, where previous year’s have struggled.
Every episode has pushed the underlying story, which has basically been set up as a showdown between good and evil. Whether we have witnessed five seasons of set up for one inevitable battle between Jacob and Man In Black/Smoke Monster/Evil Incarnate/Fake Locke, is not entirely clear, but as Jacob said in the season five finale, “It only ends once. Everything else that happens is just progress.”
So let’s jump into this progress. The biggest development from “Sundown” was the clearer picture developed of the good vs. evil battle lines. Whereas before the episode there was still small debate (not in my mind but in some people’s) whether Team Flocke could have actually been on the good side, “Sundown” seems to have smashed the door shut on that conversation. Furthermore, we can officially welcome to Dark Sayid to Flocke’s flock, along with Crazy Claire and most of the temple’s less-than loyal subjects.
(Quick Nerdy Tangent- This is shaping up a lot like the Harry Potter conclusion where members of the wizarding community had to align themselves as Voldemort’s Death Eaters or on Harry Potter’s and Dumbledore’s side of good. And if I just ruined it for you, you are clearly the slowest reading nerd on the face of the Earth.)
(Quick question- how come Cindy apparently gets answers about Jacob and the island while our heroes struggle with what is what? She seemed pretty knowledgeable while fleeing the temple.)
For the good guys, or Team Jacob, it seems pretty clear that Jack and Hurley are the captains, while Elana, Sun, Miles, Lapidus will be joining them. Eliminating Rose and Bernard as irrelevant, we are left with Sawyer, Kate, and Ben as free agents in the island showdown (I have no idea and don’t want to even try to guess what happens with Jin, who is apparently alone in Claire’s fortress of crazy).
This leads me to two main thoughts coming out of “Sundown”:
1) Kate and Sawyer’s role in the battle. I’ve read a few places that they are with Team Bad, drawing from Sawyer’s role in “The Substitute” and Kate’s position at the end of “Sundown.” I would argue however that out of every character on LOST, Sawyer and Kate have always acted on their own volitions, which were always based on their beliefs. Unlike everyone else, they don’t cave for others or pussyfoot around other’s agnedas, but instead do what they want and disregard other’s instructions. Both have interminable wills and I don’t believe either could be “easily” convinced to join one side if they weren’t wholeheartedly invested.
Also, as a personal belief, I don’t see Lindelof and Cuse allowing Sawyer to end the show as a bad guy. Over and over, he has been trampled, used, heartbroken, while eroding from “that douche who stole the plane’s liquor” into “that hero that jumped out of the helicopter if Kate would check on his daughter.” Call me stubborn but out of everyone on the island, I don’t think they would let him contribute to the evil side in the end.
2) I don’t still don’t really get how Charles Widmore factors into the equation. Widmore was on the island and his ties to Elana seem to be overwhelming clues that he is on Team Jacob. However we’ve been conditioned to understand that Widmore and Ben are mortal (literally) enemies. Widmore was also responsible for sending the freighter that killed Dharma-ers and LOST-ies alike. If Widmore is Team Jacob, does that make Ben Team Flocke? Clearly Ben wasn’t killed in last night’s temple purge (under no circumstances would the producers let him die off screen), so where is he? Are we to believe as we see Vietnam-like body piles, that he survived the Smoke? Does he now also have a darkness growing in him?
I can easily see the season playing out like a chess match between Jacob and Flocke, recruiting and harnessing powers, as more and more of the island’s mystery is revealed. It’s odd though, that I don’t really care whether good will triumph over evil, as much as I do about what happens to the specific characters. Also clearly I don’t care much about side-flashes (Don’t confuse that with my unwavering support of side-boob!) at this point in the season.
One Wild Prediction: Best moment of the season will be Jack’s reworked “Live Together, Die Alone Speech” to draw the services of Sawyer to Team Jacob before the final showdown. You will be emotional.
DOWN GOES FRAZIER!!!
Feb 25
Sad day. Sad day indeed. I guess you gotta know something about music to predict this shit. She had the look though. She had the fuckin look. Cue Michelle Delamor?
That’s right, a bunch of knuckleheads in Virginia Beach actually let me take Ash-Rod #3 overall, AFTER Lacey Brown! Can somebody give me a Sam Bowie!?! (Look it up girls).
Now that I have my stud, along with fan-favorites Big Mike and Haeley Vaughn and sleeper Paige Miles, I am ready to make a run at my first AIFL title. Hopefully my past MTV RW/RR Challenge Fantasy League success will translate on a different stage. Sort of like how Shaun White is also a nasty skateboarder.
Of course everyone in the league turned to me to come up with the rules, so being the experienced fantasy commish this shouldn’t be a problem:
Survive an episode (until Top 12): 1 pt
Survive an episode (post-Top 12): 3 pts
In the bottom 3 (up until Final 5): -1 pt
In the bottom 2 (up until Final 4): -2 pts
Standing ovation from judges: 3 pts per judge
Finish 2nd: 5 pts
Become the next American Idol: 10 points
There you have it. Set in stone.
El Pres over at Barstool also handicapped this season, giving Ash-Rod 30-1 odds and picking Siobhan Magnus to win. I’m a dedicated Stoolie but he is way off.
I’m going with Chocolate Thunder for a team name. It’s domination time.
Where do you go from here if you’re Canadian? Seriously, like hockey was your thing. What’s next? Is Bertucci’s going to start serving better Italian food than Italy?
I know it was just a preliminary game but still, if an entire nation is going to put all their bacon in one basket they better DOMINATE that basket. Hockey is like the 8th most popular sport in this country. I hadn’t even heard of anybody on Team USA. All the guys on Team Canada were guys I thought were American. Just sad is all it is.
Bardo on Tiger
Feb 20
The last time we all dropped everything and gathered around the boob tube to watch the fate of a disgraced athlete, Judge Ito told us OJ Simpson was innocent. Today, there was similar disappoint as Tiger Woods read an apologetic statement and offer us little else. Tiger had the opportunity to show the world he was truly sorry and on the road to becoming a new, better man. Spoiler alert, he didn’t.
Friday Morning Tiger was equally robotic and automatic like the Sunday Afternoon Tiger we used to know on the links. Tiger read aloud for 13 minutes, like some horrific bedtime story full of monotone reflections, nonspecific statements, and a complete disregard for character development. He hardly exhibited emotion, though, to be fair, a 72nd-green fist pump would have been pretty uncivilized
In fact the only part of the monologue (and that’s what it was) that wasn’t worthless to me, was Tiger admitting his feelings of entitlement. But that’s where it started to get personal and also where it ended, as Tiger quickly went back to his Mad Libs apology set, plugging in a religious affiliation as well as an adjective, a verb ending in -ing, and a body part (plural).
Let’s get real. This wasn’t an apology. This was a prepared statement, an apologetic essay. It was practiced and manicured and precise, like every aspect of Tiger’s golf game. It was everything we should have expected from Tiger, a guy who can’t be made to look anything but in control and never leaves his comfort zone. The biggest F-U from Tiger, no questions, meaning we can add the three (THREE?!?!) media members in attendance to the list of people Tiger has stiffed.
Having every detail prearranged showed his continuously mismanaged priorities; that his image comes before everything else, including his family and the apology. If his image wasn’t most important why wouldn’t he have spoken from the heart? Why did he need “I am truly sorry” written down? Had Tiger strayed from the script and spoken off the cuff, he may have stuttered or stammered or appeared vulnerable. He would have thrown himself in front of the apology bus instead of jumping out of its path and pretending to be hit.
I don’t care that he put himself out there and admitted his wrongs because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you have sex with tens of women outside your marriage Its called manning up and Tiger showed today, he is no more of a man than he was three months ago.
