Sports Fan Paradise

Mike the Greek’s Fearless Super Bowl Predictions

Feb 5

I told myself I wouldn’t gamble on the Super Bowl this year. It’s a good match-up, I said. You’ll enjoy watching the game regardless, I said. You don’t need to have money on it for it to be exciting, I said.

And I was cool with it. 2009 wasn’t exactly the most successful gambling season I have ever had, thanks to Brett Favre taking a huge dump on my 6-team parlay on Week 7. I still have nightmares about his fumble to Lamar Woodley and then pathetic non-attempt to make the tackle. I thought he wasn’t just a quarterback, but a football player. I guess tackling isn’t part of just having fun out there. Asshole.

Anyway, like I said, I was totally down to just enjoy a chili dip, some wings and and few adult beverages and watch two great teams go at it. I didn’t even do a squares pool at my office like I usually do, and I have run one of those every year since Bills-Cowboys. And I’m talking the first Bills-Cowboys Super Bowl. I was like 8-years-old. None of that this year. But then Bodog emailed me inviting me to gamble on any number of the many prop bets that have been set up for the game. And of course, I caved.

What can I say? I live for the action.

Length Carrie Underwood will sing national anthem:
Over 1:42: +135
Under 1:42: -165

1:42 seems high considering she has only sang the anthem above that once (2005 NBA Finals) when she clocked in at 1:43. She dropped a 1:40 at the NFC Championship Game in 2006, but has gotten faster since then, with a 1:38 at the 2006 MLB All-Star Game and a 1:35 before Game 3 of the 2007 World Series. A 1:36 at the Coca-Cola 600 a few years back is also pushing me towards the under, but you can’t trust NASCAR stats.

To properly bet on this you need to factor in 3 things: The singer, the moment, and the odds. Underwood has seen a lot of success since her 1:35 in 2007, and she is definitely in the diva discussion. The confidence that comes with that influences one to want to hear their voice for as long as possible. The moment is huge, there is no greater stage in America. And the odds, at +135, make the over an enticing bet.

So there you have it, $20 on the over. I think she carries it to at least 1:44.

Result of coin toss:
Heads: -105
Tails: -105

Tails never fails. Except for this Sunday. $10 on heads.

Team to score first:
Colts: -150
Saints: +120

The NFC has won 12 straight coin tosses in the Super Bowl. If the Saints get the ball first they will most likely score on that first possession, since Sean Payton usually scripts successful opening drives. +120 is a solid bet. Throw $20 on it.

First scoring play of the game:

How about New Orleans Field Goal at 4/1 odds? Like I said, the Saints should start with it and move the ball, but Indy has an underrated defense. Also, you have to factor in nerves accounting for a dropped 3rd and 5 pass on the first drive. Hartley FG for the win, Tom. $10.

Team to call the first coaches challenge of the game:
Saints -115
Colts -115

EASY MONEY. Sean Payton challenges a lot. I don’t have a specific stat but he led the league in tossing red flags in 2008. They will most likely be behind in the 1st half and may get desperate. Plus, I still don’t have proof that the Colts have a head coach. Last time I checked it was a cardboard cutout of Lovie Smith disguised by a royal blue hat and sweater vest. Put $10 on New Orleans.

Will both teams make a field goal of 33 yards or more in the game?
Yes +170
No -210

Did I read this correctly? I can get a buck-seventy on my dollar if each team kicks a field goal?? 33 yards isn’t a bomb, that’s a below-average length. I know everybody expects a shootout but I can’t stress enough that these two teams have solid defenses. That will be the story at the end of the game. I see some a few bend-but-don’t-break stands. Put $20 on “Yes” and enjoy the $34 in return.

Total number of field goals missed by both teams:
Over 1: +350
Under 1: -500

Some call it “hedging your bet” but I call it not being a dumb ass. This is the easiest insurance bet of the decade. Put $10 on the over and cover yourself for the $20 you put on each team making one. AGAIN, points will be at more of a premium then everyone is projecting, they WILL be trying long kicks. Seriously, this prop bet thing is like stealing money.

Odds to win Super Bowl MVP:
Peyton Manning: 10/17
Drew Brees: 2/1
Reggie Wayne: 10/1
Reggie Bush: 8/1
ETC…

This is probably the toughest bet of all to win money on. I always struggle with MVP betting, and I’m the guy who correctly bet on B.J. Upton to hit the 1st homer of the game in BACK-TO-BACK GAMES during the 2008 ALCS getting 20-1 and 15-1 odds respectively.

The Colts are clearly the favorites and in that case Peyton is clearly the favorite for MVP. Still, 10/17 odds just aren’t worth it, but betting on another Colt doesn’t make sense either, so the only smart money is to go with a Saint. Brees is the clear favorite there, but 2-1 odds won’t turn your $5 into anything meaningful, and I wouldn’t advise betting more than a 5-spot on something that you’re so unsure of.

If the Saints win it will most likely be because of their defense. The leader of that group all season has been Darren Sharper, who is getting 28/1 odds to take home the honor. I’m not saying it’ll happen, but if New Orleans wants to win their secondary will have to step up. If you’re going to throw a few bucks at anyone it might as well be Sharper. $140 come to Papa.

Total Receptions for Donald Brown:
Over 1.5: +140
Under 1.5: -170

The Saints have been notorious for hitting guys in the mouth, especially QBs and RBs. Expect Peyton to get pressured and Addai to get knocked out for a play or series here and there. Manning will be looking to dump it off to avoid pressure at Brown will be the safety valve. At least twice. Put $10 on the over.

Total Receiving Yards for Marques Colston:
Over 75.5: -130
Under 75.5: Even

I have never been a huge Colston fan. I feel like most of the Saints’ big plays go to Henderson or Meachem. Brees will be throwing a lot but the key to a New Orleans victory will be running the rock and controlling the clock. I feel confident putting $15 on the Under.

OK, by my calculations we have wagered $130 so far. I am setting a personal limit at $150, even though I’m confident I’ll be in the positive come Monday.

With my last $20 I’m going to make a bold parlay, taking Indy at -5 and the Under (57). I can’t say it enough, the defenses will decide it. I’ll officially take the Colts 31-24.

And, yes, I’m aware that I have a gambling issue.

Share on Facebook

No Comments

Amerikaz Most Wanted

Feb 4

Posted by admin in Boston Mike

Check out my latest post on Sports Fan Live about why athletes should be allowed to carry guns and cheat on their wives in peace.

Share on Facebook

No Comments

I’m So F#%*ing L O S T

Feb 3

Posted by admin in Boston Mike

SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE THEN JUST STOP RIGHT HERE. NOT THAT I’LL BE ABLE TO TELL YOU MUCH ANYWAY, BUT STILL. GOOD IDEA TO JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE CAUGHT UP. OR JUST READ IT. I DON’T CARE. YOUR LOSS.

250px-6x01_la_x

Last night’s 6th and final season premiere of LOST was exactly what I expected.

No, I didn’t expect Jack’s plan to work (And not work? At the same time?)

No, I didn’t expect Desmond to be on Oceanic Flight 815.

No, I didn’t expect to see all that shit at the Temple.

BUT, what I DID expect, was to have no clue what was going on. Which I don’t. So I was totally right. Right?

Click here for a recap of the episode. This site covers every detail of the show, and I mean EVERY detail. Like the fact that “The seat layout inside flight 815 is 3-4-3 and it is only available in B747 or A380. But when it lands on LAX, it is a twin engine plane which resembled a B777 or A330.” Needless to say they’re pretty thorough.

I won’t be posting my theories about where this season is going because I don’t want to waste your time. I have no clue where this is going and chances are you don’t either. What I will do is post a weekly reaction to the previous night’s episode with my 3 favorite things, 3 questions, and 3 things to watch for.

3 Favorite Things

1. That the 1977 crew (Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Miles, Hurley, Jin and “Sayid”) are now in 2007 along with the Aljira peeps (Ben, Sun, Ilana and my favorite character Frank Lapidus), the Others (Richard, Cindy, Emma, Zach, Kenny Powers’ brother and the ninja), Dead Jacob and Monster Locke. Makes it much easier to watch when everything is happening in the same time period and this sets the stage for some CRAZY shit to go down. And for Jin and Sun to be reunited. I’m soft like that.

2. That we get to see what will/would have happened to the Oceanic passengers had the plane not crashed. Jack fixing Locke’s spine? Sawyer conning Hurley? Kate kidnapping Claire? The possibilities are endless.

3. That we get to see what has/does/will/would have happened to everybody else had the Island been blown up in 1977. Desmond never crashes on the island, and perhaps completes his race, then finds himself on Oceanic 815 briefly (he is special and can travel through time so I don’t put much stock into where and when he is). Ben and anybody else on the island at the time of the incident (Widmore, for one) probably doesn’t exist. Perhaps Hurley really is a lucky guy and it’s because the Island never existed during his lifetime. It’ll be interesting to see it all unfold.

3 Questions

1. How did Sayid come back to life? Is it really him or did Jacob or the Monster take his form? If so, why did they use his real body instead of a duplicate body like the Monster did with Locke. If not, did the water save Sayid or was it the Island? Does Jacob control the water? Is it dirty because he died?

2. How was Desmond on the plane? Was he really on the plane? Where did he go? Why was the flight so similar to the original 815 but so different at the same time (Desmond being there, no Shannon, subtle differences like Cindy only giving Jack 1 bottle as opposed to 2)?

3. Will these 2 realities (2007 w/Island and 2004 take-2 w/o Island) converge? And…where the hell did Christian’s body go???

3 Things To Watch For

1. Jack had that cut on his neck when he was on the plane. Seemed important.

2. Desmond. He isn’t credited in being in this episode and it has not been announced that he will be in any more. Still, he has always been extremely intricate to the storyline so hopefully he will have a significant role.

3. Black powder. Obviously it is the Monster’s kryptonite. Was it keeping him inside the shack back in 2004 or was it keeping him out of it?

Feel free to comment since I am obviously clueless.

Share on Facebook

No Comments

The Celtics’ Situation

Feb 1

Posted by admin in Bardo

137090_512x288_generated

The Celtics have problems. You know that, I know that, Doc Rivers might know that. What is debatable though, are levels of concern we should have after three straight, devastating losses, to three of the best teams in the NBA last week. I was wavering between “its alright, everyone goes through slumps” mode and “Code Red, Dan Shaughnessy, Sell Sell Sell” mode. I was trying to come up with a solution for the team, to figure out where things were going wrong, when I realized what the 2010 Celtics season has become.

We are The Situation. The parallels are uncanny. First is the whole closing thing. In Orlando and against the Lakers, it was the case of an inevitable collapse. You could see from midway through the fourth that no lead would be big enough to hold onto. Like Situation, the Celtics make us think we’re going home winners, only to fold in the waning seconds. The results are always the same, though the details slightly different; an airballed three pointer, a blown defensive coverage, or the mishandling of a grenade without the wingman personnel.

The C’s and the Sitch also share an age problem. Both are older than their peers and older than they should be for what their goals are, which leads to almost a pitiable image.

Meanwhile the Celtics and the Situation both need a helping hand; neither is going all the way without an assist. Mike’s help comes from Vinny or Pauly D wingmanning the hell out of the fat cows who come back to the Jersey House. Without them, the Situation’s night is going to end lonely and unfulfilled. Similarly the Celtics are going to need help from someone else, in the form of a trade. Without a useful big man to spell KG’s knees or another guard to backup Rondo, the Celtics season is doomed. Neither is going all the way

Also like the Situation, the Celtics have to prey on twos, threes, and fours instead of bagging any tens. Against the Lakers, Magic, Cavs, and Hawks, the Celtics are 2-7. We have had no problem swooping up the wins against the Nets, Wizards, Knicks, and Twolves (6-0). The Situation says “You have to walk through the weeds to get to the flowers,” but in the NBA, if you can’t beat the run with the big boys, see you next year.

Share on Facebook

3 Comments

24: The Drinking Game…Who’s with me???

Feb 1

Posted by admin in Boston Mike

Courtesy of DrinkPlanner.com

24dg

Take one drink if:

* Jack says “damn it!”
* You hear the CTU/FBI ringtone
* Something (security systems, computers, video, etc.) is hacked into
* Someone needs an open socket

Take two drinks if:

* Someone requests something sent to their screen, PDA, or phone
* Someone flanks, moves into position, or secures the perimeter
* Something is going to happen “within the hour”
* Someone needs schematics or requests access codes
* Someone requests to be “patched through” or conferenced in to a call

Take three drinks if:

* Jack orders someone to drop their weapon
* Jack drops his weapon
* Chloe is awkward
* Chloe is a pain in the ass
* Someone is followed
* Jack breaks protocol, the law, or commits treason
* Someone is tortured until they give up information

Take a shot if:

* Jack says he “doesn’t have time to explain”
* Jack says “I just need you to trust me”
* Jack says “Right now he’s our only lead!”
* Jack “had no choice”
* A suspected “bad guy” is really a good guy working undercover
* Someone thought to be dead is actually still alive

Finish your drink if:

* A mole is revealed in CTU, the President’s staff, or the FBI
* Jack recovers from death or near-death in an inhuman amount of time (like within the hour)
* Someone mentions Jack’s wife or his estranged relationship with Kim (this rule won’t work in the 1st season)

I’m totally doing this tonight. By myself.

Share on Facebook

No Comments

11 Revelations from Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s new SBTB Tell-All Book

Jan 28

Posted by admin in Bardo

COURTESY OF LiVEJOURNAL

(I.E. We didn’t write this)

screech

This weekend, I read Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s entire autobiography, “Behind the Bell”. And I might be the only person who’s ever done that.

Literally, the only person. I’m fairly sure no editor actually read it cover-to-cover; on page four we get the sentence “Fuck fame. Allow me to tear down your allusions”… and that sets off a book just riddled with spelling errors, punctuation errors, repeated references to craft services as Kraft services and weird line breaks. On two separate occasions, entire paragraphs are actually repeated.

But you’re not reading this for me to call out Dustin Diamond’s copy editor. Nor was I reading his book to look for such errors. (I just notice them because I’m a precocious-in-a-bad-way son of an English teacher.) No… we all want to know the unbelievable “Saved by the Bell” sex scandals that he witnessed first hand. (Or, as he disclaims in the prologue, some of them are “things [he] heard from reliable sources.)

And I’ve got ‘em for you.

1. Dustin Diamond has a large penis and has used it to have sex with more than 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland.

Diamond’s sales pitch for this book, it seems, is: “As wholesome as ‘Saved by the Bell’ appeared on screen, the exact opposite was happening behind the scenes, and I’m broke and desperate enough to sell everyone out and tell you about it.” But his unspoken mission statement is: “I’m not Screech. I’m 100 percent, in every single way, not Screech. I’m cool, I follow no man, and women find me irresistible.”

Diamond tells of many of his exploits; even starting one chapter about halfway through the book with the sentence, “Is it bragging to say I’ve banged over two thousand chicks in my life?” (And as my fellow journalism brethren will note, yes, that line contains yet another misused word.)

And while it seems he met many of these anonymous “chicks” when they were extras on the show or during the cast’s mall tours and cross-country appearances… he says he actually seduced a large number of them at Disneyland.

“People don’t realize that Disneyland in the early ’90s was the perfect place to meet and hook up with chicks,” he writes. He then goes on to describe the best rides on which to carry this out (”The Haunted Mansion — a totally dark, nine-minute ride.”) And finally, he explains, his method was simple. He and a friend would walk around, wait until two (often international) tourist girls would recognize him as Screech, and take it from there.

The saddest part of all this? As I read that, I said to myself, “Yep. That probably did work.”
2. Mario Lopez raped a girl, and NBC paid her hush money.

Definitely the most damning accusation in the book… but one that Diamond doesn’t hedge (like many of the upcoming points). He flat-out says that Mario Lopez “lured [a girl] back to his pad… and was forced to have sex against her will.”

NBC’s lawyers stepped in to maintain the image of its clean teen stars, though, and paid the girl to be quiet. “And my understanding,” Diamond writes, “is that it wasn’t a boatload of cash, either, somewhere around fifty grand.”

I found a “Variety” article about Lopez being accused of date rape, so there is other corroboration on this. It’s amazing — back in 1993, before the Internet turned the American celebrity gossip press into the British celebrity gossip press, a huge “SBTB” fan like me never heard a word of this. If this date rape accusation had happened 15 years later, within moments of the story coming out a photo of A.C. Slater would’ve been on Perez Hilton, complete with a MS Paint mouth semen.

3. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen cheated on the actor who played Johnny Dakota simultaneously with Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Thiessen comes off pretty poorly in the book. In this instance, Diamond discusses the famous anti-drug “SBTB” episode — the one where a movie star named Johnny Dakota shows up to film an anti-drug PSA but then tries to get the crew to use drugs… and they stand up to him. Apparently, Thiessen was dating Eddie Garcia, the actor who played Johnny Dakota.

But, little did he know, Diamond says, she was having sex with both of the other male leads of “SBTB” under his nose. In fact, he says, for the entire week of that episode, Thiessen was sneaking off, right under his nose, going from one guy’s dressing room to the other’s. Garcia eventually found out and ended things, because, it turns out, he was nothing like his character and was the most “steadfast dude you’d ever want to meet.”

4. During the “No Hope With Dope” episode, the cast members were all smoking weed in their dressing rooms.

Diamond doesn’t reveal that much about the drugs floating around the cast, but does say that “the ‘No Hope With Dope’ episode ended up being a huge hit … I just can’t help but think of all the off-camera drinking and recreational drug use being indulged in by the cast members during that time … I could even smell a certain ’smoke’ wafting from the crack beneath Tiffani’s dressing room.”

Man. I feel more betrayed than Ox when they accused him of being the one smoking the joint in the men’s room.

5. Elizabeth Berkley also did both Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar… but only once Tiffani-Amber Thiessen was done.
Berkley doesn’t get a ton of ink in the book — you almost perceive that Diamond has sympathy for her post-”SBTB” career being almost entirely a spiral of slut/hooker roles spurred by her decision to do “Showgirls”.

He does, however, mention that, once Thiessen was done with Lopez and Gosselaar, Berkley decided she wanted to get with both of them too. He says “there was a desperation to [her] ho’ing, like she had a lot of catching up to do.”

I don’t know about that. I think she just might’ve found jeans with two rows of belt loops too irresistible to pass up.

6. Lark Voorhies then did them as sloppy thirds.
From this book, and other things I’ve read, I get the impression that Voorhies is one of the shyest people in the history of mankind. According to Diamond, it took years for “Lisa Turtle to come out of her shell” (and I give him a point for that pun)… and when she finally did, she took her requisite turn on the Lopez/Gosselaar ride.

Basically, Diamond says, you can match up the timing of these relationships with the timing of Zack’s romances on the show. Kelly got the early years… then Jessie had the kiss during the rehearsal of “Snow White and the Seven Dorks” (eight if you count Studly)… and finally, Lisa got her quick run during her fashion show.

Diamond also seems to take legitimate personal umbrage with how that fashion show episode went down — he feels that Zack kissing Lisa, while knowing Screech had always loved her, was the ultimate sign that Zack Morris was a Bad Person. It’s one of the few times that he allows the line to be blurred between himself and Screech. I would’ve thought he’d be more upset that he didn’t get a crack at Thiessen during the famous “Kelly and Screech? Way to go Screech!” episode. Kevin probably cockblocked him.

7. When Lark Voorhies was engaged to Martin Lawrence, he abused her (at a minimum verbally).
This might be the strangest (and most abstract) scandal that Diamond tries to expose. He basically suggests that Martin Lawrence did something to make Voorhies even more reclusive and non-communicative.

He says that he saw Voorhies shortly after her fiance, Martin Lawrence (yes, the famous one) ended things with her, publicly, on the “Arsenio Hall” show. Diamond says “She flinched whenever a man was near her or a man’s voice was suddenly projected toward her. She rocked back and forth mumbling to herself in a very disturbing fashion, as if in her own world. You can draw your own conclusions from that.”

So Glennbeckian!

8. Dustin Diamond had sex with NBC’s VP of children’s programming, Linda Mancuso.
Diamond doesn’t go into too much detail about his other 1,999 sexual partners, but one of the NBC executives who oversaw “SBTB” gets almost an entire chapter.

Mancuso was 18 years older than Diamond but, he says, from the moment they met she treated him like an equal. Eventually, as he got older, that turned into a sexual relationship.

As I read this I kept thinking, “Wow, this is really specific and controversial stuff to be saying about this woman who he seems to really care about — how pissed off is she going to be?” Then I got to the point where he reveals that she died from cancer in 2003. She was 44 at the time of her death.

The skeptic in me quickly thought, “Well, what a convenient story — the only sexual partner whose name he reveals, and the highest-profile sexual partner at that, is dead.” But hey, draw your own conclusions, right?

9. Mark-Paul Gosselaar confessed to the cast that he took steroids before “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”.
Enough with tell-all books revealing steroid use. Those revelations jumped the shark when Jose Canseco declared that he used to inject steroids right into Mark McGwire’s ass. This next decade had better yield an era of tell-alls revealing (1) athletes cheating on wives (spoiler alert: all of them) (2) pop singers who really couldn’t sing and (3) plastic surgery confessions.

10. Ed “Max” Alonzo used to get gay with Neil Patrick Harris while they talked about magic.
This one was probably my favorite. It’s about Ed Alonzo, who played the mostly useless character of Max (owner of The Max) during the early years of “SBTB”. Max would always do magic on the show, which corresponded to Alonzo being a magician in real life.

Well… Neil Patrick Harris has always been a big fan of magic. (Now, as an adult, he’s on the board of LA’s famous Magic Castle… and all the magic that Barney does on “How I Met Your Mother” is inspired by Harris’s real-life skills.)

So, according to Diamond, “[Alonzo] wound up spending a lot of time with Harris. A lot of time. For a while they were inseparable, going away to perform magic together, conjuring their mystical spells of enchantment. It wasn’t until years later that Neil Patrick Harris announced he was gay.”

That’s a clever literary way to draw a syllogism… and I completely bought it. What can I say? I’m also the one who spotted Dumbledore as gay from a mile away and saw homoerotic sexual tension in every interaction Harry and Malfoy had for all seven years at Hogwarts.

I just see my homosexual friends slowly but surely taking over magic, the way they took over steelwork, snapping, racquetball and Bravo. (And they’ll take over marriage unless you put your foot down. Don’t turn around, there may be a gay guy standing over your shoulder, trying to marry you as we speak. It’s definitely something that’s worth being afraid of and spending millions of dollars to fight against.)

11. Executive producer Peter Engel used to have bisexual threesomes with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Mark-Paul Gosselaar in his office.
And why not, right?

According to Diamond, Engel was a former cocaine user and Hollywood party scene guy who saw the light and became a born-again Christian. As the showrunner for “SBTB” he banned swearing on set, and refused to let Bayside High be anything short of a utopia that was as clean as Singapore and pure as Walton’s Mountain. (It’s why there was never an episode that broached the topic of teen sex.)

But… he really tries to guide the reader into believing Engel, Gosselaar and Thiessen used to get-it-on. He never says it directly, but if he’s not implying it, then I surrender my reading comprehension merit badge. Here are a few excerpts, in order, from the section about this.

“I’ve heard lots of Hollywood hearsay in my day, but I can only vouch for what I saw… here is one of the most fucked up things I saw behind the scenes of ‘SBTB’. Draw your own conclusions because I still don’t know what to make of it.

“[Gosselaar] started getting called to [Engel]’s office for long meetings… and closed the door behind him. Which was weird… because typically Peter kept his office door open.

“[Thiessen] also began to be summoned upstairs for long, cloosed-door meetings… then, both [Gosselaar] and [Thiessen] (!) were called together into [Engel]’s inner sanctuary for another mystery marathon behind closed doors.

“[Gosselaar] and I were selected to go on a Paris [publicity] trip together… lo and behond, [Thiessen] pitched a bitch. She went up to [Engel]’s office for another hours-long, closed-door meeting, and when she re-energed it was suddenly her and [Gosselaar] now making the trip.

“[Thiessen] wasn’t even supposed to be around for ‘The College Years’… all of a sudden, [Thiessen]’s locked again in those troubling closed-door meetings in [Engel]’s office and, voila, she’s off to college with the guys. From then on the show’s writing became all about Zack and Kelly.”

So, yeah. At least through Diamond’s eyes, the entire “SBTB” era was pretty much one giant orgy and everyone was invited. (Except Mr. Belding. Dennis Haskins, who Diamond refers to as a close friend, escapes this book with very few mentions and virtually nothing controversial. Either Diamond left him out of the stories, or Rod Belding swooped in and took his spot in all the orgies.)

Now that I’ve cashed out the 11 biggest bombshells in the book, you might be wondering if it’s worth reading. My answer is… sort of. The writing isn’t great (I don’t think Nobel Prize-winning books repeatedly use the word “douchenozzle”). There’s such an aura of a money grab here that it’s hard to buy into Diamond’s credibility — how many half-truths or complete fabrications are included simply to pump up the craziness of the book?

But, over the 300+ pages you will get two things. One: You’ll get a lot of cool behind-the-scenes looks at “SBTB” which, for huge fans like me, were fantastic. And two: You’ll get a really strong look into the mind of a scarred, desperate child star, forever typecast, alienated and altered by his time on such a seemingly juvenile television show.

To me, the book read very sad. Diamond clearly perceived himself as a picked-on outsider during filming and that bitterness still stays with him today. The constant insistence that he’s not Screech (I smoke pot and shoot BB guns, look at how cool I am! I’ve banged 2,000 chicks, look at how much of a player I am!) falls squarely into the zone of him doth protesting too much. And little throwaway lines — like one about him and his widower Dad no longer speaking to each other because his Dad mismanaged and lost most of his earnings — give fleeting honest looks at the unhappy, unfortunate state of a guy my age who I grew up with and admired.

If you’re a big “SBTB” fan… and you’re willing to see it without rose-colored nostalgia glasses… I strongly recommend the book. (In spite of all my criticisms, I read the entire thing in one day and never found myself bored or daydreaming.) If you’re not a big “SBTB” fan, though, or you’d like to keep the cast members pure and innocent, preserved in mylar bags attached to your wall like The Collector… then focus your reading attention on a book with more literary merit.

AKA any book written by anyone other than Dustin Diamond or Stephenie Meyer.

Share on Facebook

No Comments

I’m not your blogger, buddy

Jan 28

Posted by admin in Boston Mike

pu0kt

courtesy of Topher Fox

Share on Facebook

1 Comment

The Guido Globes

Jan 22

Posted by admin in Boston Mike

jersey-shore-mtv

Hollywood has the Golden Globes, Seaside Heights has the Guido Globes.

That’s right, it’s time to hand out some awards for the greatest reality show of all time, MTV’s Jersey Shore. The Guido Globes, celebrating the best in fist-pumping since 2010.

Best Original Dance Move

The nominees are…

Pauly’s Beat Beat
“We’re beatin’-up-the-beat, that’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First, we start off by banging the ground, we’re banging it as the beat builds ‘cause that beat’s hittin’ us so we’re fightin’ back, it’s like we beat up that beat.”

Snooki’s Back Hand-Spring
Perfect for attracting nice juiced hot tanned guys.

Ronnie’s Creepy Patent Move
He doesn’t even know how he invented it. It just happened. He loves the beats and now he’s going to break it down dancing.

And the winner is…Pauly D for beating up the beat! The Fist Pump is sweeping the nation. You cannot stop it you can only hope to contain it.

The next category is Most Glorified Inanimate Object

The nominees are…

The Hot-Tub
The good news: The tub WOULD have filtered fast enough to kill the herpes.
The bad news: It didn’t account for the hair gel.

J-Woww’s Left Breast
Simply dominated the first couple episodes.

J-Woww’s Right Breast
This was my sleeper pick. Definitely flew under the radar for a while before coming on strong in AC.

Ham
HAM!

And the Guido Globe goes to…J-Woww’s Left Breast! If I know anything about the Right Breast it will be the first to call and congratulate. It has always been a classy tit.

Moving on…

Best Nickname. The only nominee is “The Situation.”

If there were a nickname hall of fame then “The Situation” would be like Roberto Clemente. They would waive the 5-year waiting period and elect it immediately. Mike may not have been the deepest guy or the coolest reality TV character ever, but his nickname will live in infamy.

The next Globe to present is the “CT, We Hardly Knew Ye” Award for leaving a reality show before it was their time.

The nominees are…

Angelina “Jolie”
You took pride in cock-blocking and you thought that you were naturally hot and awesome, when in reality you couldn’t have been more annoying and you made Mike look like a good, down-to-earth guy. But this isn’t why you got kicked off. Your work ethic was about as existent as one of J-Woww’s “shirts”, and you didn’t have the balls to talk to Danny face-to-face, so you and your trash bags got the boot. My boss said that he needed to have a word with me the other day and I told him that I would only talk to him in the bathroom. He wasn’t amused. Apparent Jersey Shore hasn’t swept the entire nation.

Brad Ferro
You landed the Punch Heard ‘Round The World. Too bad it was on a girl that wasn’t even 5-feet-tall and on national television. You lost your job as a special needs gym teacher and are now the poster-boy for domestic abuse. But hey, look at the bright side, as soon as I learn how to podcast you’re one of my first dozen calls. I promise. Keep your head up.

J-Woww’s Morals
You have a boyfriend. You love him. You can’t imagine your life without him. But you saw Pauly’s pierced penis within 48 hours of being on the Shore.

And the winner is…Brad Ferro. Serious question: Has anyone EVER made this much of an impact on television in 20 seconds of air time??? I don’t think so. Even the American Idol failures get 2 minutes. Hell William Hung made an album that sold like 35,000 copies. Brad Ferro we HARDLY knew ye.

OK lets get to the next category, Best Hair

The nominees are…

Pauly D’s Blowout
But don’t let the spike hair fool you, he’s not a bitch.

Sammi’s Extensions
They look natural. No really, they do.

Snooki’s Poof
She invented the freakin’ poof.

Ronnie’s Blow-Hawk
3 parts gel, 2 parts Ron-Ron juice, 1 part creepiness.

And the winner is…Snooki, of course. She INVENTED the freaking poof!

OK, only a couple categories left. Next up, Best Advice.

The nominees…

Pauly D: “Poor girl… she needs to take some karate classes or somethin’. She needs self defense. Somebody’s got to teach her how to fight…or duck.”

Ronnie: “Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore.”

mike_06441 The Situation: “If you want to look somewhat like The Situation, which is gonna be pretty hard, you need to get that protein in your diet.”

The Situation: “I wait till the last minute to shave, I wait till the last minute to put the shirt on ’cause you feel fresh. These are rules to live by, shave last minute, haircut the day-of, maybe some tanning and the gym. You gotta do the guido handbook.”

The Situation: “You better be hittin’ the gym & if you’re not hittin’ the gym for like an hour or so, you know, you may have a problem. Ok, cause I’m at the gym for like an hour-and-a-half.. ya know?.. workin’ on my fitness.”

The Situation: “When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”

The Situation: “As long as you keep calling there will be success in your numbers game, it’s just like anything…Everybody gets stood up, everybody gets hung up on and rejected, I’m not saying I’m not, I’m just saying 9 out of 10 times I’m good wit it.”

And the winner is naturally The Situation. “I mean this situation is gonna be indescribable, you can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.”

Finally, the Guido Globes for Most Valuable Guido and Most Valuable Guidette.

Angelina, you were useless. Nobody batted an eyelash when you were kicked off the show. It would have been like Janice getting kicked off the Sopranos. Good riddance.

Sammi, you were the best looking female on the show (I guess…right?) but you were the epitomy of an annoying girlfriends. You could find drama in a piece of white toast. Ronnie had the potential to win MVG and you absolutely ruined him.

J-Woww, you were probably the preseason #1 and front-runner for this award, but sadly you disappeared as the season went on. Aside from a couple good fights you were nonexistent, like Jimmy McNulty in Season 4 of The Wire.

snooki Snooki, congratulations. You deserve this award as much as anyone has ever deserved an award. You not winning this award would be like Tiger Woods not winning the Black Golfer of the Decade Award. You dominated from start to finish. Had you decided to leave on day 2 it would have been one of the greatest unknown tragedies since Mike Stiriti quit JV football sophomore year. You danced like a champ, you took punches like a champ, and God damn it you invented the freaking poof. Through it all I can honestly say that you were someone I could actually see myself being friends with. Through all that fake tan and makeup is a genuine person and I’m glad that America got to know you.

(Was that the deepest, most poignant thing ever written about Snooki? Has to be, right?)

OK, on to the Most Valuable Guido…

Vinny, you’re a good dude. Someone that I could totally see myself being friends with in some alternate universe where colleges didn’t accept people based on grades or test scores. You’re a real dude. But you brought about as much to the table as Dunbar in a RW/RR Challenge. Sorry buddy.

DJ Pauly D…what is there to say? You were by far the coolest house member and you were downright hilarious. I would pay money to party with you. (Just not $5,000…sorry). You single-handily carried segments, if not episodes, and Stevie Van Zandt would be impressed by your sidekick skills. You just didn’t have enough story lines to win the award. Maybe next year.

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. I gotta say dawg I’m disappointed in you. I had such high hopes! In the first episode you were guy who liked to get “filthy, creepy and weird.” You took your shirt off and girls came to you, like flies to shit. What happened to the guy that said “If I was just gonna get sloppy, I should have just pounded out what’s her name on Friday night.” You changed, bro. Sammi ruined you and you know it. I hope the smushing was worth it.

And the winner is…The Situation. He changed the game. Simple as that.

Share on Facebook

2 Comments