Archive for January, 2006

If you know me, then you know that there is nothing that I get up for more than fantasy football. Well, other than fantasy baseball I guess. I have a history of success in baseball, a streak of second-place finishes dating back to sophomore year in high school culminating in a long-awaited championship in 2004. I have also won a fantasy basketball crown, and been competitive in fantasy hockey and golf. For some reason, I always choke during football season. I do more research than anyone else in my league and I feel that I am as or more knowledgeable than my competitors, but for some reason it never works out for me. Coming off of a 9th place finish last year, and with plenty of time on my hands to prep, I KNEW that 2005 would be my year.

Pre-season
The first order of business was to figure out a team name. The name is important, but nothing to stress over. It should be short, clever, end in an “s” unlike those questionable WNBA and MLS team names (like “Galaxy” and “Storm”), and say a little something about yourself without being too much of an inside joke. Fantasy Football writer Matthew Brown advises “when choosing your name, remember that it is an extension of you.” The worst fantasy sports name of all time was the Tan Sox, the best is a toss-up between the Minnesota Benders and anything involving my buddy Jeff’s hot mom. If you don’t know what a Minnesota bender is, well, I can’t really show you over the computer without being creepy, and if you don’t know Jeff’s mom then I feel bad for you, she’s hot.

Anyway, I decided to go with the “Flutie Flakes” for the 2006 campaign, paying homage to one of the greatest athletes in Boston history. Two weeks before the draft, before anyone else was even talking about it, was doing research. Mainly Peter King, the SI preview issue, ESPN Insider’s projections, and fantasyfootball.com’s expert opinions. I felt like I had a perfect strategy: take the best running back available with my first two picks, then take the best QB left with my third, followed by that QB’s main target with my 4th pick (a strategy about compound interest or something, getting double points every time they hook up). I would also look to pick a tight end earlier than usual to ensure a go-to-guy in the redzone. Finally, I would shoot for either the Ravens or Patriots defenses and two kickers who play their home games in a dome. Perfect.

Draft Day
I walk around all day like a jewish kid on the first night of hannukah. Waiting for 6:00 pm, too excited to do anything else. Five minutes before the first pick we find out the draft order. This is a good time to introduce the league.
1st pick- Parker
2- Neale
3- Steve
4- Shaun’s brother Ryan
5- Yours Truly
6- Travis
7- Jay
8- Craig’s friend Dan
9- My friend Mike from Boston
10- Shaun
11- Craig
12- Rory
The draft goes as expected for the first four picks: LT, Peyton, Shaun MVP Alexander, and Priest Holmes. I’m up with pick 5 and have a bit of a decision to make but not really, Edgerrin James is the smart pick. Edge it is. The rest of the first round saw a bunch of guys that turned out to be terrible fantasy players in 2005. Randy Moss (6th) and Marvin Harrison (12th) were solid, but Culpepper, McGahee, Corey Dillon, Jamal Lewis and Julius Jones did not live up to expectations.
The second round was very frustrating for me. I was waiting patiently with the 8th pick in the round for my other running back, hoping that Tiki Barber would fall into my lap, giving me a great 1-2 backfield of guys who could run as well as catch passes out of the backfield. And having a Manning on their teams doesn’t hurt them either. Well, as expected Tiki was taken with the 19th overall pick, leaving me a decision at 20: do I stick with my guns and take the best running back available (the always reliable Packer Ahman Green) or grab a stud QB (Tom Brady) or a top wideout (TO). I decide that I won’t stray from my game plan and I snag Green at the buzzer. TO went promptly at 21 and Parker closed out the first round with Chad Johnson at 24, which turned out to be a great pick.
The third round is where everything fell apart for me. I was banking on Brady being available, but Ryan took him a pick before me. I then made the mistake that would cost me fantasy football immortality for another year. “With the 29th pick in the 2005 Ithaca Football League draft, the Flutie Flakes select Michael Vick, from the Atlanta Falcons.” If this were a real draft the room would have sounded like it did on Chapelle’s racial draft when the Latino’s drafted Elian Gonzalez. Dead silence. This was like THE no brainer of fantasy football: never, ever, under any circumstances draft Michael Vick. They should call him Iceberg for the way he causes teams to sink.
The rest of the draft was basically a scramble, trying to make up for the boner I pulled in the third round. I snagged the Falcons tight end Alge Crumpler in the fourth round, therefore completing my compound interest and solid tight end strategies. I took the Pats D in the fifth and Jags WR Jimmy Smith in the sixth. By round seven I realized that Vick may not be good enough to start, so I’d better get another quarterback. Jaguar Byron Leftwich was there, so I was able to get, like, double double compound interest. Michael Bennett, who I thought was going to start for the Vikings was my 8th man chosen, and dome kicker Jeff Wilkins was my 9th. I don’t even remember my last six picks, just glimpses of another indoor kicker (Detroit’s Hanson) and another Jags wideout (Reggie Williams). The rest of the guys are meaningless, I don’t think any of them were on my final roster anyway. It was bad, I’m taking like Jermaine Wiggins and J.J. Arrington bad.
Parker probably had the best draft, starting with the top pick Tomlinson, but also snagging Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson (compound interest bullshit), Carolina’s defense and Matt Hasselbeck, the best back-up QB in our league. There were a lot of sleepers (players who turned out to be great, but went later than they should have, for those of you who aren’t into this sort of thing), like Steve Smith (Shaun took him in the 5th round with the 58th pick), Cadillac Williams (107th, Craig), Larry Johnson (154th, Shaun), Chicago’s D (90th to Jay), Tampa Bay’s D (136th, Mike), and Santana Moss (100th, Ryan). As you can see, I had none of these sleepers, I had the guys who Peter King, Sports Illustrated, and ESPN said would be sleepers, most of which turned out to suck.

The Season
I was planning on providing a weekly look-back of my season, but by Week 4 I was so depressed that I scrapped the idea and settled on a quick Top 5 Things That Killed My Fantasy Football Season List, to sum-up the demise of the Flutie Flakes.

5. I drafted Michael Vick (aka Ron Mexico) in the 3rd round. He didn’t even START for my team, Byron Leftwich and Mark Brunell ended up sharing that role.

4. My team name just wasn’t good enough to make up for my lackluster draft. While Flutie Flakes wasn’t my worst name ever, it certainly wasn’t the best in our league. Parker’s “Milwaukee’s Best” takes the cake, with Travis’ not as original but ironically funny “Milwaukee’s Worst” coming in second.

3. I had to play Parker twice. LT, Carson, and the gang beat my poor Flakes 119-58 in week 2 and 88-59 in week 13.

2. Second round pick Ahman Green scored less points in the 4 games combined before his season-ending injury than Tomlinson averaged on a mediocre afternoon.

1. I forgot the most important rule in fantasy sports: have fun. I got so wrapped up in scouting and studying that I lost my entire feel for the game. I had my head so deep in spreadsheets that I forgot the reason that I was doing it all, because I love sports. I know that Vick doesn’t throw many touchdown passes, that he gets hurt a lot and throws way too many interceptions. I know this because I’ve seen him play over 20 times, at Virginia Tech and Atlanta, and I have commented on how much he would suck for a fantasy team. I should have gone with my gut instead of my game plan. So what if I promised myself I would take a running back with the 2nd pick, I should have taken Tom Brady instead. Not because he is much more handsome than Ahman Green (which he totally is) but because he’s the shit, and I knew in my heart that he would have a money year. I was so busy adding and dropping players (I made 36 moves, most in the league by 20. The guy who won the championship made 3) that I forgot to use the message board for its true purpose: to talk as much shit as humanly possible. I should have talked about people’s mothers, sisters, future daughters, and how I was going to kick their ass. Thats what fantasy sports are all about, and I lost sight of all that. I won’t make the same mistake next year.

Oh, before I go, just wanted to make a Super Bowl prediction…
Steelers 21
Seahawks 10
MVP: Hines Ward

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Last weeks live journal was somewhat well-received so I thought I’d do another one. The 3:00 start was perfect; gave me time to hit the Chinese buffet before but won’t cut into Desperate Housewives.

2:59 PM- Somewhat intriguing matchup for the AFC Championships: 2 teams with good running games, 2nd tier star QBs, solid defenses, and coaches that have been to the Super Bowl. Denver has the home field advantage but Pittsburgh seems to be the sexy pick.

3:00-Time to “Assume the Position,” which is just our houses way of saying that we are going to sit on the couch or recliner for more than 3 hours in a row; only moving to piss, get another beer, or answer the door when our food arrives.

3:01- I have to mention quickly that had Vanderjagt put that kick through last week the Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx would have had a new chapter, since it was The Bus who was featured on the January 16th cover.

3:03- Jim “A tradition unlike any other…The Masters on CBS” Nantz and Phil Simms are in the booth. Probably one of the top 3 tandems in 21st century NFL broadcasting.

3:04- Both quarterbacks are sporting hideously unkept beards. Reminding me of Al Gore when he went off the deep end after the 2000 election.

3:05- The UPS Reliable Game Picks says that the keys to the game will be “the blitz” and “the kickers.”

3:06- The first installment of an apparent “Terrell Owens is a Quality Human Being” advertising campaign airs, some Boost Mobile commercial for a cell phone. I thought that was Joe Horn’s thing but maybe I’m mixing up my prima donna wide receivers.

3:07- Cut to Bonnie Bernstein, who doesn’t fail to look like Carmela Soprano for the 8th consecutive week.

3:08- Broncos return the opening kick to the 20, here comes No Mistake Jake.

3:10- GAMEPICKS: Shaun-”Broncos, but I want the Steelers.” Brian-”Broncos”, Mike- “Steelers.” Pickem Champ Jen-”I don’t know…I don’t think I care.”

3:13- I think its ironic that Tatum Bell wears Clinton Portis’ old number 26. It is just more evidence that every Denver running back since Terrell Davis is completely interchangeable, products of the best run blocking offensive line of the era.

3:13- Nantz says that the winner of today’s game will be considered the best coach in the NFL. Somewhere in a dark film room Bill Belichick is plotting his revenge.

3:14- No Mistake Jake doesn’t throw an interception on 2 straight plays. Phil Simms seems to be part of the movement that as long as Plummer isn’t shooting himself in the foot than he is playing incredibly.

3:15- Broncos punt and put Steelers inside their own 10, followed by a reminder that the Southwest Airlines commercial where the guy hears the ding and jumps over the cublicles is still funny.

3:16- Hines Ward is very underrated. He is probably a top 5 NFL wide-out and doesn’t seem to get the credit. Moss, TO, Steve God Smith, Chad Johnson, Marvin Harrison. Ok, top 6. Still, hes underrated.

3:19- Ward, on cue, drill Champ Bailey and makes a nice play on a deflected pass for a first down.

3:20- The Steelers’ offensive coordinator looks very very much like Bill Cowher. They should call him Cowher Lite, its hilarious.

3:21- Willie Parker fumbles, but his knee looks like it may have been down.

3:22- Cowher challenges. Shaun thinks that it will get overturned, but Phil Simms doesn’t. I personally don’t care, and wish the refs would get shit right the first time more often, I am so sick of these 4 minute stretches of the same replay.

3:24- Ruling on the field is overturned, Shaun is therefore smarter than Simms, but Simms still has more Super Bowl rings and better sperm.

3:25- Roethlisberger has completed a few nice passes in a row, he looks good.

3:26- Shaun: “Ben Roethlisberger looks like a scumbag.” Everyone agrees. Big Ben then “gets sacked by Michael Myers and Ebenezer Ekuban”, which sounds somewhat like a horror movie title.

3:27- Cowher Lite’s name is Ken Wizzenhunt and CBS loves to cut to his camera.

3:29- Jeff Reed hits a 47-yard field goal, UPS looks smart. 3-0 Steelers.

3:32- Everyone loves the Dr. Pepper “I would do anything for love” commercial. It is agreed that the Meatloaf selection is perfect and the facial expressions make the commercial.

3:35- No Mistake Jake fumbles, Steelers ball on the Denver 39.

3:36- Another hand off to Willie Parker…Where’s the Bus???

3:37- On cue, Bettis enters and runs up the middle for 2 yards. Has there ever been a player who is considered the face of the franchise but plays as little as Bettis? Seriously, what if Brett Favre only took 30% of the Packers’ snaps or Tim Duncan only played 15 minutes a game? Maybe Roethelsomething is the face of the team now, but it was the Bus on the cover of SI and the Bus with the most media in front of his locker after the game, but he still can’t participate in more than 2 plays in a row because of a bad knee, asthma, and old age.

3:38- 1st quarter ends at 3-0.

3:41- TD pass from Big Ben to Cedrick Wilson. 10-0 Steelers.

3:42- Shaun changes his pick to Pittsburgh.

3:43- Jay joins us and assume the position.

3:44- Reed’s kickoff goes out of bounds, Madden ‘06 style.

3:46 This week on the Late Show Dave’s guests include, Anthony Hopkins, Pierce Brosnan, Bernie Mac, and Dr. Phil. Shaun decides that if he could be anyone in the world it would no longer be Justin Timberlake, but Dr. Phil instead, which leads to this exchange:
Brian- “Yeah, but he’s married, wouldn’t you want to bang a lot of girls?”
Shaun- “Dr. Phil is like everyone woman’s dream, he could get so much ass!”
Jay- “It would be like MILFs all day.”
Shaun- “They would ask for advice and I’d be like ‘well you can start on me,’ or ‘This is what you need to do with your life: have sex with me, and then that’ll show you how much you love your husband.’”
Jen- Says nothing but is clearly not amused nor happy with her life decision to move back to Ithaca.

3:48- I ask “what would happen if Deltha O’Neal and Tatum Bell had sex? (pause…) You’d get Tatum O’Neal!” Nobody laughs. Upon further review, nobody in the room knows who Tatum O’Neal is, which means not many people reading this will know either and I probably should have cut 3:48 out of the final draft.

3:55- Denver gets the ball down to the 6 but can’t punch it in and settle for a field goal. 10-3 Steelers.

4:00- No penalties yet, other than the illegal procedure on the kickoff. Discipline = great coaching.

4:11- Campbells Chunky Soup commercial, featuring the 3rd woman who has been used to portray Donovan McNabb’s mother. I’m pretty sure that this one is his real mom, but I know for a fact that his first one was the grandmother from Ghostwriter and the principle from City Guys.

4:16- First and goal Pittsburgh with 2 minutes left in the half when the Bus plows his way in for 6 and CBS shows the obligatory shot of Mr. and Mrs. Bettis slapping high-five to everyone within 3 rows wearing black and gold. I wish we got a cutaway of Mr. and Mrs. Vanderchoke last week. 17-3 Steelers.

4:21- No Mistake Jake throws a pick at the 1:48 mark. Kropa-”I think they’re losing on purpose.” This is vintage Plummer…THE SNAKE IS BACK!!! (a week late though).

4:26- Roethlisberger avoids tackles, scrambles to his right, and finds Ward in the back of the endzone. 24-3 Steelers in a rout.

4:30- Pittsburgh linebacker Andre Frazier is hurt on the kickoff. Looks like his leg, the gator is coming out to cart his off. I start yelling “Down goes Frazier!! Down goes Frazier!!” Another joke that nobody in the room gets. I’m done trying to be funny for the day.

4:32- The Broncos get booed into the locker room, Mile High has been deflated. HALFTIME.

4:38- Since when is Cliff Huxtable a member of the CBS Halftime Show?? Oh, wait, sorry, that’s Shannon Sharpe.

4:46- 2nd half is underway. This is the first weekend since September that I haven’t had money riding on a few games, and I must say its very relaxing.

4:47- Big Ben is 15/19 for 294 yards and 2 TDs, easily winning the Mach 3 Turbo Quarterback Battle.

4:50- This would be 3 road playoff wins in a row for the Steelers, first time its ever happened. If they win the Super Bowl than this would have to go down as one of the most remarkable runs in NFL history.

4:54- 4th and 2 for Pittsburgh. Go for it? 52-yd FG? They punt and down it at the 3 yard line. When you’re on you’re on.

5:01- Who was missing Jenna Elfman? Did anyone care that she was no longer on prime time television? Who wrote letters to CBS demanding Jenna Elfman?

5:03- The room decides that Champ Bailey has a great name. If I weren’t naming my first born son Brady I might consider Champ. Jen points out that either Champ or Bailey would make appropriate names for a lab or golden retriever.

5:08- 70 million people watch Criminal Minds??? There are only 300 million people in this country. Is CBS trying to get me to believe that 1 out of every 4.3 people in the U.S. watches Criminal Minds??? I don’t know 1 person who watches it. I also don’t get the difference between “America’s Number One Network,” “America’s Favorite Network,” and “America’s Best Network.”

5:11- Great catch by Rod Smith over Troy Polamalu. Denver needs 7 badly if they want to keep this respectable. Also, has anyone else noticed the striking similarity between Polumalu and the Fatu, the WWF wrestler of the mid-90s? Check it out:
http://media.phillyburbs.com/2005/09/22/STEELERS_WHERES_POLA.jpg
http://home.comcast.net/~gnagus/headshrinkers2.jpg

5:12- After a quick visit to the Nielsen Ratings website I have learned that 7 of the top 10 watched shows in the country are in fact on CBS. The other 3 are on ABC. This shows why having NFL rights is so important.

5:15- Jake the Snake throws a 30-yard touchdown pass to Ashley Lelie. 24-10 Steelers.
(Sidenote: In high school Ashley was not even the best player in his family. His brother Mary-Kate was a stand out running back before a severe coke problem halted his career.)

5:21- Cedrick Wilson is having a monster game. Not quite Steve Smith numbers but he has made a bunch of big plays.

5:23- Shows not to watch: Courting Alex, How I Met Your Mother, and Love Monkey. And what happened to Jason Priestly? He is now the short buddy sidekick of the guy who was Ed on America’s Worst Network NBC.

5:26- Jeff Reed hits a 42 yarder with 13:40 left in the 4th quarter. 27-10 Steelers.

5:32- Fan in Elway jersey visibly yells “You Suck!” at the Snake. Cue Rick Pitino…”John Elway is NOT walking through that door. Terrell Davis, Shannon Sharpe, they’re NOT walking through that door, and if they do they’re going to be gray and old.”

5:48- Sorry I stopped paying attention, but I think Denver somehow scored a touchdown. 27-17 Steelers.

5:55- Just when the Broncos can really make this a game, the Snake gets sacked twice in a row and fumbles. Steelers ball…VINTAGE Jake the Snake.

6:01- Roethlisberger dives in for 6. CNN is going to project this one for Pittsburgh. 34-17 Steelers.

6:03- Please prepare yourselves for the hundreds of “the Bus is driving home to Detroit” references that you will hear in the next excruciatingly long 2 weeks.

6:10- Game over. 6-seed in the Super Bowl. Go nuts America.

6:11- Big Ben goes to shake hands with the Snake and accidentally drops his AFC Champions hat in front of Plummer. Ben goes for the hat before Jake’s hand, reaches for it for an awkward 4 seconds while Plummer looks on in humiliated disbelief. It was a great year for No Mistake Jake, but you KNEW he would go out this way.

6:13- Time to watch the Seahawks-Steve Smith game. Laaaaate.

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Its 4:00 pm on Sunday January 15th as I am viewing the end of my third playoff game in 24 hours. Game 1 was boring, game 2 was heartbreaking, and game 3 was absolutely insane. I decided that I should keep a running diary of the fourth game, just in case something incredible happened I would have some nice documentation. Plus, is there a better way to analyze the interaction between sports and media than a minute-to-minute live journal? I’ve read plenty of these done by Bill Simmons on ESPN.com, so I figured I knew what I was doing. Here goes nothing.

4:23- I change the channel from CBS to FOX, still in shock over the conclusion of the Pittsburgh-Indy game. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions; I felt like I was watching one of those movies that tries to make up for lack of content with numerous twists at the end. As I’m thinking about Mike Vanderchoke’s diamond earring I am blindsided with another meterosexual catastrophe: I think Jimmy Johnson had product in his hair, and it was spiked like Ryan Seacrest. Like when he got gatorade dumped on him after a Super Bowl and Emmitt Smith rubbed his head, only spikier.

4:32- Gametime. This is truly a toss-up, 2 great defenses, I have no idea who is going to win. If I had any money left on SportingBetUSA.com I would have put it on the under 30.5, banking on a 13-10 or 17-13 game. Sadly, I lost it all on the Pats game, which I won’t be emotionally secure enough to talk about until February. Lets just say there’s a certain back judge who may want to stay away from the entire New England region for a while.

4:33- Joe Buck and Troy Aikman have the call. Everyone in the room (housemates Shaun, Jay and Dusty, housemate girlfriend Melissa, and rabid Carolina Panther fan Craig) agree that this is the best looking booth in the NFL. We’re not gay or anything, its just that Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf weren’t doing it for us.

(Side note on Joe Buck: While I think he’s one of the best in the business, I don’t like how he sounds like he has somewhere else to be, like I should be flipping channels for the more important game. That and the fact that he went off on Randy Moss for the mooning thing in Green Bay, apologizing for it being on the network. The FOX network. The people who brought you Temptation Island. He overreacted to an incident and showed that he can be a little racist. Just because Randy had the ‘fro goin on and doesn’t talk like white folk didn’t mean J-Buck had to be a hater.)

4:40- Game picks: Jay-Carolina, Craig-Carolina, Shaun-Chicago, Dusty-Chicago, and I like the Bears. Melissa took the Panthers “because Jen will win money.” This needs to be explained. Every year I run a Pigskin Pickem league, simple format where you pay $5 and pick a different team every week, whoever has the most wins takes home the money. 13 people participated: Shaun, Jay, Craig, my younger brother, 6 friends from Boston, 1 of their fathers, and my girlfriend Jen. When the season ended in a 4-way tie we took it to the playoffs, where 2 fell last week, leaving Jen and my buddy Mike. They each took the Seahawks, Pats, and Colts, but Mike took the Bears and Jen the Panthers. I can’t explain how someone who doesn’t know a bootleg from a zone blitz could make it this far, other than saying that Jen’s pickem success proves that there isn’t much skill involved with picking NFL games.

4:41- Buck throws it down to Chris Myers on the sideline. Did Myers get promoted to this job, or is it a step down from Sportscenter anchor?

4:42- First play of the game, quick pass to Steve Smith for a couple yards. I like that strategy, get it to your best player early, let him get into a rhythm.

4:43- Deep pass to Steve Smith…I think its over 50 yards…Touchdown! Second freakin play of the game. I guess that rhythm thing worked out.

4:44- Shaun was under the impression that the Bears would only win if it were a 3-0 game. He quickly changes his pick to the Panthers.

4:48- Bears quickly go 3 and out, then punt the ball about 9 yards out of bounds. It looked like a punt in Madden when you completely miss the accuracy thing.

4:58- I have now seen the Diet Pepsi Machine commercial 1,856 times. We can’t decide whether or not the refs would call bullshit pass interference penalties on him too if he really played for the Patriots, but we can agree that the best line of the commercial is “I just wish that Hot Dog Machine was that talented.”

5:09- Is Rex Grossman Jewish? And if so is he the best Jewish quarterback of all time?

5:14- If the Bears win this game, will SNL bring back George Wendt for a Superfan skit?

5:15- The room agrees that George Wendt is most likely available.

5:16- Julius Peppers picks up a fumble and takes it to the house. No, wait, challenge flag. Commercial. It happens to be for GoDaddy.com, which leads to my best idea of the day: go to one of those websites that ranks the 8th grade basketball players, and register their names as websites, then when they hit it Lebron you can sell it to them for a million dollars. Or I can go back to serving crab cakes at The Country Club. Either one.

5:18- The play on the field is reversed, Craig is livid.

5:25- Steve Smith brings down another deep pass, down to the 2 yard line. Where did this guy come from??? He goes from being the #2 receiver on the team to a missed year with a broken leg, then comes back and puts up MVP numbers. This feels like Carlos Beltran in the 2004 playoffs, where everyone kinda knew about him but not really, then he gets hyped before a playoff game and proceeds to exceed all expectations.

5:28- Kasey field goal: Panther 10, Bears 0.

5:32- The “24″ season premiere is tonight on FOX. I’d love to, really, I just can’t make the commitment.

5:36- After seeing a commercial with a monkey, the house decides we need one. Some excerpts from the conversation included “Don’t we have some money in that utilities fund saved up for a rainy day…or a monkey?” and “We’ll train it to play beer pong…and monkeys can blow.”

5:37- Game recap: The Steve Smith Show.

5:40- Brian Urlacher intercepts Jake “Daylight come and Chris Berman needs to relax” Delhomme. Everyone in the room, besides Craig, seems to like Urlacher. Maybe because hes white and we’re all white and hes playing a predominantly black position. The Larry Bird thing. I dunno, just throwing it out there, might be easier for the white masses to relate to a white superstar, ya know, because they may feel alienated and/or intimidated by the “thug” persona of someone like Ray Lewis. I dunno, again, this isn’t a sociology class, just making a point.

5:43- Brad Maynard shanks his 4th punt in a row. I have never ever heard a punter get booed like this.

5:51- Kasey knocks in another field goal: Panthers 13, Bears 0.

5:59- As Rex Grossman drives the Bears down the field I realize that he doesn’t look much like a “Rex.” And Lovie Smith doesn’t look like a “Lovie.”

6:00- Shaun asks me what exactly a “Lovie” looks like, and questions if anyone should be named “Lovie.”

6:05- The Bears score to make it 13-7; Jen calls from the tanning salon for a score update.

6:07- I decide that Albert Brooks might be a good Lovie, but it gets challenged immediately. Under further review.

6:10- Its been an hour since we order Steak & Cheese subs from Collegetown Pizza and you can sense the tension in the room.

6:13- Steve Smith is single-handedly kill the Bears/

6:17- Carolina field goal as time runs out; Panthers 16, Bears 7 at the half.

6:21- Jimmy Johnson’s hair looks gayer than it did in the pregame show.

6:48- Sorry, the subs came. Early in the 2nd half…I haven’t really been paying attention…I think Deshaun Foster is hurt.

6:49- Yup, Fosters leaving on a John Deer Gator. They never come back if they leave on one of those.

7:04- Delhomme finds Steve Smith for another TD. This is getting absurd.

7:05- PAT good: Steve Smith 23, Chicago 14. The Bears must have scored while I was getting acquainted with my friends Steak and Cheese, I have no idea how the Bears have 14 points.

7:14- As the Bears drive down the field I realize that if the game ended now it would still be Under 30.5.

7:26- The Bears pound it in: Steve Smith 23, Chicago 21. So much for the defensive struggle, this is an absolute shootout.

(Side note: While I’m mentioning Over/Unders, lets talk about how much the bookies made yesterday. The line on the Seattle game was 10, and the final score was 24-14. That means that everyone who bet that game lost (must have been thousands of people). And you know more people took the Pats +3 than the Broncos, so they cleaned up their too. If the GoDaddy.com thing doesn’t work out I may open a sports book.)

7:42- I am woozy from all the scoring, Panthers got another touchdown, its 29-21.

7:43- Embarrassing moment of the game: Panthers placekicker Jon Kasey falls on his face while shanking the extra point. The lead is only a TD and 2 point conversion.

7:47- 5:13 left in the 4th quarter, Bears have the ball down 8.

7:53- Grossman throws a pick on 3rd and 10. Now seems like an appropriate time to mention that the 4 other quarterbacks making their first playoff start lost this year. I’m pretty sure Rex will make it 5.

7:57- 58th “24 Season Premiere” promo of the day. OK, I might watch…we’ll see.

7:50- Bears run a reverse to God on 3rd and 6 but he comes up short, Bears get the ball back.

8:02- Craig and Jay argue about what the “GSH” on the Bears uniforms mean. Jays convinced that it stands for Grossman Shipping and Handling and is an advertisement for Rex’s family business. Sometimes Jay tells stories. I interject that it may have something to do with George Halas, which satisfies Craig.

8:04- 4th and season…Rex can’t complete the pass. Still a few ticks left, but if this were an election CNN would project the game for Carolina.

8:05- Delhomme takes a knee and the game is over. On one hand I’m glad: I can hopefully take Jen out to dinner and she’ll count that as the money I owe her. On the other hand, I really wanted to see the Super Bowl Shuffle come back. Can’t win ‘em all.

8:10- Postgame show, complete with “24 Season Premiere” ticker. Only 2 minutes and 46 seconds left.

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If there was ever a single team that exemplified steroid use in Major League Baseball it is the 1992 Texas Rangers. Although I believe that steroids were pumped into the Oakland water supply at some point in the mid 90s, this Rangers team is filled with players that simply defy logic. Jose Canseco admitted that ‘roids were rampant in the locker room, and this team hasn’t done much to prove him wrong.

DH: Canseco, 41 years old, admitted user.

OF: Julio Franco, 47, starting 1B for the Atlanta Braves

OF: Ruben Sierra, 40, starting DH for the New York Yankees

OF: Juan Gonzalez, 36, hit a total of 134 homers in 3 years, pulled every muscle in his body and hasn’t played a full season in 5 years.

1B: Rafael Palmiero, 41, starting 1b for the Baltimore Orioles…Raffy hit a total of 16 home runs in his first 2 full seasons in the league, has hit 250 since turing 35…suspended for 10 games by MLB for violating steroid policy.

C: Pudge Rodriguez, 34, starting catcher for Detroit Tigers…averaged 13 homeruns a season before hitting 35 in 1999 and won MVP, his homerun total for 2005, after steroid testing began, is 14.

P: Kenny Rogers, 41, back with rangers…cy young candidate through first half of 2005 season, suspended for pushing cameraman (roid rage?)

P: Kevin Brown, 40, starting pitcher for the New York Yankees…broke his hand punching a wall in ‘04 (roid rage?)

P: Nolan Ryan, 58 years old, retired…now i’m not saying that he was a user his whole career, but the man threw 100 mph when he was 42 years old.

I’m sure that not everyone named actually took steroids, but we’re looking at some serious coincidences. Either way, this group serves as an example of ballplayers who have set records and are part of baseball history. On the heals of Palmeiro’s positive test a professor asked me to write a one page essay on whether or not the records of known users should be wiped from MLB’s official records. After some research I confirmed that there was no precedent case in which records were wiped away, and it led to my conclusion about sports fans and analysts and their obsession with records and stats.
I finally realized that my professor was asking me to answer an irrelevant question. Baseball records don’t matter, they are absolutly insignificant in any realm of human life. They should be kept, so that when one is broken it can be exciting and celebrated. 1998 was exciting because of McGwire and Sosa. Everyone enjoyed that, and it brought people pleasure. Isn’t that the point of sports? Erasing McGwire or Bonds’ home run records won’t take away from the excitement that the baseball world felt watching them be set. The numbers are irrelevant 61,62, 70, 73, who cares? The point of keeping records is so enthusiasts can look back and remember past events, and when they look back and see 73 home runs in a season, they can talk about how steroids influenced baseball. Erasing a record doesn’t erase an event or a memory or a feeling, and thats all that sports should be.

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What if the relationship between reality TV and pro football got really serious?
It is September of 2006 and the super-mega-media-giant-on-levitra National Football League has used its corporate influence/large erection and bought out all of television. All of it. Well except for ESPN, which will continue to run Sportscenter, NFL Live, EA Sports NFL Match-up, NFL Countdown, NFL Prime Time, and Monday Night Football but is in NO way controlled by the NFL. Paul Tagliabue has just announced the fall lineup for reality programming…

The Bachelor
Starring: Terrell Owens
Premise: 32 NFL teams fight for the love of one prima donna wide receiver.
Big Moment: Broncos coach Mike Shanahan and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones engage in a violent cat fight over #81…Shanahan’s fake teeth fall out and Jones’ face falls off.
The Twist: TO will likely keep the final rose for himself and retire to a life of watching his MTV Cribs episode on repeat.

Temptation Island: Minnesota
Starring: Daunte Culpepper, Fred Smoot, and 6 other Vikings players.
Premise: Coach Brad Childress’ Xs and Os compete with strippers’ lapdances for the attention of the team.
Big Moment: Culpepper tearfully chooses Childress over Temptress.
The Twist: Childress chooses Brad Johnson over Culpepper, citing his confidence in BJ keeping his eyes on the prize. Upon hearing his former coach call Johnson “BJ”, Culpepper gets an idea and calls back Temptress.

Joe Millionaire
Starring: 49ers kicker Joe Nedney
Premise: Producers convince 12 beautiful women that Nedney is an NFL superstar and they fight for his love (and money).
Big Moment: Joe reveals to the final woman that he is not a football player, but rather a place kicker.
The Twist: Producers allow the distraught woman to dump Nedney and choose any other NFL Joe for a date. To everone’s dismay she overlooks Jurevicious and Horn and chooses Theisman.

Extreme Makeover: Team Edition
Starring: The Houston Texans
Premise: Owners clean house, trying to fire everyone who had anything to do with Dom Capers.
Big Moment: Reggie Bush runs for 245 yards and 4 touchdowns in the NFC Championship Game.
The Twist: Producers reveal the procedure that made the transformation possible: doctors lyposuctioned the fat from David Carr’s head and equally distributed it to the offensive line.

Real World/Road Rules 37
Starring: The New Orleans Saints
Premise: Owner Tom Benson packs up his team and takes them on a wacky season long road trip.
Big Moment: After a poor start Aaron Brooks is benched for Mike The Miz.
The Twist: Brooks is cool with it, but gets some sympathy sex from Tonya anyway.

Cops
Starring: Marcus Vick
Premise: Same old shit.
Big Moment: Marcus pulls a gun on his mother.
The Twist: The Younger Vick is able to change his name to Don Mexico and dodge police until Week 15.

The Biggest Loser
Starring: The NFL’s heaviest lineman.
Premise: The obese giants split into teams and try and shed the pounds.
Big Moment: Ted Washington reveals that he once ate Martin Grammatica.
The Twist: Lions exec. Matt Millen sues the show, assuming by its title that it was a documentary about his career as a general manager.

Beauty and the Geek
Starring: Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.
Premise: The Coach shows the QB how to break down film, while the QB teaches the Coach how to be cool.
Big Moment: Belichick sheds the gray sweatshirt and knit hat for a navy pin-stripe and a meterosexual haircut.
The Non-Twist: The Patriots win the Super Bowl.

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Is it just me, or are pro athletes getting tossed from sporting events at a record pace? In one episode of Sportscenter I witnessed Redskin safety Sean Taylor get ejected for allegedly spitting in the face of Bucs tailback Michael Pittman and Morris Peterson get thrown out of a Raptors game for playfully slapping ex-teammate Vince Carter. Pitchers get tossed automatically for hitting a batter if there has been previous drama in the game, even if the offense was simply a soft curveball that got away. Fans tune in to games to see star players play, not to watch power-hungry officials make themselves into the story.

I suppose I understand the spitting thing if an athlete directs his saliva at a referee or umpire (a la Robby Alomar). There aren’t many other acts that rank as high on the rude scale as spitting in another human’s face, but for this discussion we need to put the act in context. Sean Taylor is paid to run into other men and hit them as hard as he can. He is considered a tremendous athlete and is revered for the giant blows he hands out to runningbacks and receivers. If one of these hits were to end up in paralysis or other serious injuries, Taylor would not be ejected, since he was doing his job. No matter what Taylor ate before the game, a little of his spit isn’t going to hurt someone as much as getting jacked-up by #21, so why did the ref immediately eject the free safety? It turns out that one of the 1,731,229 rules in the NFL rulebook is that any player seen spitting at another results in an automatic ejection. So the ref was just doing his job, which didn’t include flagging Pittman, who whacked Taylor in the side of the head as an apparent retaliation. The important question is was it in the best interest of the NFL to eject a team’s best defensive player during a close game in the playoffs? I’m not saying that some rules shouldn’t apply in meaningful games, but isn’t the goal of the NFL to produce the most exciting games to attract viewers who attract advertisers which pay the NFL lots and lots of money? I think that the league should accept its product for what it is: an imperfect product with flexible rules. Taylor was sent to the lockeroom for spewing about 1/1000 the amount of spit that Chris Berman lets fly during a “2 Minute Drill” and it almost cost his team the game. The next day a 300 pound defensive end delivered a cheap-shot to Pro Bowl quarterback Carson Palmer that tore his knee ligaments and ended the QB’s season. He wasn’t even flagged.
The NFL needs to get it’s priorities straight, not be so flag-happy in the playoffs, and protect the best show on TV.

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This year’s Rose Bowl was a fluke. Not because Texas pulled off an upset victory, but because there was no controversy as to who won the National Championship. Don’t get used to it. With the Holy Heisman Trinity headed to the big show and increased parody among historical powerhouses (Nebraska, Michigan, and Tennessee combined to finish a lackluster 20-15 in ‘05), the future of college football looks as wide open as Dom Caper’s calendar. Not only will at least 1 or 2 undefeated or deserving teams get snubbed from the “National Championship” game every year, but the other BCS bowls will continue to be meaningless. If only there were a brilliant sports nut with plenty of time on his hands to solve this problem.
I decided not to wait for the call from Myles Brand. I have developed a system that will make everyone happy: the traditionalists, the money-grubbers, and the fans who want to see a playoff. The NCBS (National Collegiate Bowl System) is an 8-team playoff that combines the traditional bowls with the modern day commercialized bowls. The first improvement is that the conference championship games will be like first round playoff games, where each major conference will determine which school will represent in the NCBS. The 6 conferences recognized as “majors” by the NCBS are the ACC, Big East, Big Ten, Big Twelve, PAC-10, and SEC. The final two spots in the NCBS will go to the schools who are either independent (like Notre Dame or Navy) or part of a mid-major conference (Conf. USA, Sun Belt, WAC, MAC, and Mountain West) that finish the highest in the NCBS Poll. The NCBS Poll will be an equal combination of the AP Poll and the Coaches Poll.
If the NCBS had been in effect in 2005, the 8 teams that would have advanced to the playoffs would have been USC (Pac-10), Texas(Big 12), Georgia(Won SEC Championship game), Florida St.(Won ACC Championship), West Virginia(Big East), Penn State(Big Ten), Notre Dame(Independent, Wild Card birth), and TCU (Mountain West, Wild Card birth).
Ok, time to field your criticism.
“You’re an idiot. Virginia Tech and LSU finished in the top 10, not FSU and Georgia, so why are you an idiot?”
We here at the NCBS feel that if the conference championship games were considered important and teams were focused and pumped up for them, then the results would reflect the best teams advancing. Maybe if Marcus Vick had focused more on football and less on how he could be more of a criminal, then Tech would have won the ACC. Next question.
“Hey idiot, are you telling me that Ohio State is NOT one of the best 8 teams in college football!?!”
I don’t know if they are or they aren’t, but they were given an opportunity to be in the NCBS. They lost to Big Ten representative Penn State on October 8th, not to mention dropping a home game to Big 12 rep Texas. While we agree that the NCBS will not always produce the 8 best teams, we feel that it will always produce the 8 most deserving teams, based on their performance throughout the season.
“Yo idiot! Why isn’t Nevada in the NCBS??? They won the WAC fair and square!”
What does WAC stand for? Nevada has a football team? Is it Nevada’s field that is blue or some other clueless school? Listen, the NCBS and all associated with it loooove the mid-majors, so much so that we gave TWO wild card spots to the best teams that do not belong to the 6 major conferences. We don’t know what more you want.
Ok, now that we’re done with the criticism it is time for me to please the traditionalists. Remember when the bowl games were predetermined based on where a team finished in their conference standings? Before computers were used and the national championship was “unified”, this is the way it was done.
“Did the players where helmets back then?”
No. It was 8 years ago. Shut up.
The NCBS will go OLD SCHOOL for the first playoff round once the 8 teams have been set. The best of the Pac-10 will face the best of the Big Ten in the Rose Bowl (a 52-year tradition that was shat on by the BCS), the winner of the Big East takes on the winner of the ACC in the Orange Bowl, the SEC representative faces a wild card team in the Sugar Bowl, and finally, the Cotton Bowl will pit the best of the Big 12 with the other wild card team. Thanks to this clever system, the four most prestigious bowls (which will be held…gasp…On New Years Day) can continue their storied history, while also being meaningful in the large scope of a national champion.
Ok, time to wrap it up. This is the point where I satisfy the school presidents, advertisers, and CEOs. THE FINAL FOUR. At this point, we at the NCBS are going to let the greedy people sort out most of the details. There will be 4 winners of the bowl games. The team that finished highest in the Polls will face the team that finished lowest, and the hypothetical #2 will play the hypothetical #3, the 2 winners will then meet a week later to decide the NCBS national champion. After that, have at it. Bid away, Chick-Fil-A! Tostitos, Nokia, Pontiac, Burger King, who cares??? Sponsor the game, give away cheesburgers and cell phones, do your thing. Its 2006, we understand how this work.
There you have it. A fair and exciting playoff system that includes only 2 extra games played for the championship teams (we recommend that contenders nix 1 or 2 of the meaningless early season games against teams like Nevada). The history of the New Years Day bowls are in tact, everyone will make LOTS of dough on advertising and sponsorship, and, most importantly, college football fans can quit bitching about why there team didn’t get a fair shot. I’m done, thanks for listening. Oh, if you see Myles tell him I took care of it.

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