Archive for September, 2007

by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

Where I watched: PTI Newsroom, Washington D.C.

Who I watched with: My friend Davo and boss Erik

1) Dallas is the class of the NFC and I don’t know why.

Somehow, someway Dallas is the cream of the crop. They rise to the top, they never eat pig cuz a pig is a cop. Sorry I got carried away.

Dallas replaced a hall of fame coach, started a second year quarterback, and have a defense that is statistically worse than last year. Even though they have beaten three teams with a two total wins they look almost untouchable. Marion Barber III cant be stopped in the red zone and has gone Winona Ryder, stealing touchdowns on too many possessions. But why are the Cowboys meshing so well?

For lack of any reason, I would like to blame this on the oh-so-hot Carrie Underwood. Widely known is that Tony Romo lines up under her when he’s not under center, could their relationship possibly help his on field mojo? Eight second half touchdowns for Romo this season would vouch for his improved stamina. Perhaps we could test for sexually transmitted touchdowns (STTD’s?).

Romo and the Cowboys have arrived and for sho’ the league better watch out and recognize (Heads up for the undefeated Pats-Cowboys showdown in week six!!!)

2) The worst division in the NFL is the AFC West.

A quick rundown of the 4 teams: Denver (2-1), Kansas City (1-2), Oakland (1-2), San Diego (1-2). Yuck. Some quick hits: All four teams have been outscored aggregately. Denver has won both games by a last second field goal and both were results of mistakes by their opponents. Kansas City and Oakland are dreadful looking, two of the worst four teams in the league.

Tennessee, Houston, and Baltimore are all non-first place teams that would own that division. Sure, the Chargers could rebound and still put up a respectable record but lets all agree to disagree with Denny Green. THEY ARE NOT WHO WE THOUGHT THEY ARE. (And props to Coors for finally integrating Denny Green’s rant into a commercial. I think it could have been better but I’m just happy its here).

For sho’the AFC West is brutal to watch, brutal to bet on, and brutal to think about in these first few weeks.

3) Fantasy football is completely out of whack.

Admission: I have only played fantasy football for two years before this one.

However, has there ever been another year where the top four logical picks in a fantasy draft have all big gigantic busts? This is driving me crazy. Crazier than the same new iPod commercial which is saying something because if I see it for another week of games, I might author a book “If I Did It, Here’s How I Blew Up the Apple Store.”

Seriously there are about five things that actually make me happy: The Pick Up Artist, the one day a week when the Yankees lose, still wearing shorts, still seeing girls in sun dresses, and fantasy football anticipation. Fantasy football is about to be crossed off the list, just like Sam Adams Summer Ale was last month.

Anyway, the four supposedly top picks have six touchdowns and in three weeks. Meanwhile guys like Adrian Peterson, Marshawn Lynch, and Lamont Jordan are scoring like they are US Senators in the men’s room. Lets get these fantasy studs going for sho’ and get some fantasy owners across the nation to back off the ledge.

4) Bold Prediction:

There were lots of things to learn after watching week 3 of the NFL but instead of listing something else, I want to go on the record with a bold prediction:

The New England Patriots will defeat 4 teams this season that were previously undefeated.

Here’s how it breaks down: They already beat the 1-0 San Diego Chargers in week 2 (I’m not counting the Snitching Jets in week 1). Next the Pats would have the aforementioned week 6 match-up with the Cowboys. Thirdly, the Colts in week 9 and finally I see the Pats taking down the Pittsburgh Steelers in week 14. If you check the Colts and Steelers schedules, it’s not hard to believe that they could be flawless when the Pats roll in.

Is it a long shot that these situations present themselves? Sure. Are the Patriots guaranteed wins in those? Of course not. That’s why it’s so bold!! (Wilbon even laughed at me when I pitched this to him) I need a lot of things to go my way and seeing how great (read: piss poor) I am at NFL Pick’em, the odds will be miniscule. But screw it, I’m throwing my good (read: adequate) name on it.

For more of Josh Bard’s work watch Around the Horn, weekdays at 5 on ESPN

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While many of my readers are happy that this blog has gotten back to focusing on sports, there are others who are clamoring for more reality TV columns. I admit that my Age of Love coverage may have been excessive, but the middle of summer is the worst time to write about sports.

Now that football has arrived I have plenty to blog about, but I decided that this week I would mix it up a bit and combine my opinions on the NFL with those of my guiltiest pleasure, The Hills. Even if you don’t watch this classic MTV staged-semi-reality-drama, you will be able to appreciate column. If you do love LC and the gang, but don’t watch football, this will teach you everything you need to know about 10 teams that have started the season 2-0.

The New England Patriots: Very similar to the star of The Hills, Lauren Conrad. Both as beautiful as ever, but got MUCH hotter in the off-season. While Lauren added a hot new friend (Audrina) to her team, the Pats picked up Randy Moss, who looks like the steal of the spring. Some people are jealous of Lauren because of her success, and even try and bring her down, but they all need to realize that, like the Patriots, she is invincible. Also, both were involved in scandals that involved videotape; New England was caught filming the New York Jets’ defensive signals, while it was rumored that Lauren made a sex tape with her then boyfriend Jason.

The Dallas Cowboys: This team reminds me a lot of Spencer, the person responsible for spreading the nasty rumors about Lauren. Like Dallas, Spencer is cocky (T.O.), brash (Jerry Jones), and dating a hot blonde (Romo). If he were the GM of an NFL team he would certainly not be morally opposed to signing troubled defensive tackle Tank Johnson, as the Cowboys just did. As we saw in the season 3 premiere, Spencer has no problem making commitments to people with issues.

The Indianapolis Colts: The main rivals of the Patriots and the only team that seems capable of taking them down. They are as hated in New England as Heidi Montag is in the Conrad house. See, Heidi and Lauren used to be BFFs, but then they started hating each other after they fought over a guy (it wasn’t Adam Vinatieri, that would have just been too coincidental). Heidi is even in more TV commercials than Lauren…go figure.

The Green Bay Packers: A surprising 2-0 team, but they probably don’t have the depth to go very far this year. Someone else plagued by lack of depth seems to be Lauren’s ex Jason Wahler. Jason is to LC as Brett Favre is to the Packers: they haven’t been winning together for a long time, but since they’ve been together for so long its hard to break up. In the long run LC knows that she can’t move on until Jason is completely out of her life, but he always seems to be popping back up.

The Houston Texans: This team was brought in a few years back to spice things up a bit, the same reason producers asked Lauren to become friends with Audrina. She is certainly the expansion team of the show: young, hot, but certainly needs to improve on some things, especially her choice in men (we’ll meet her beau in a minute). She lived in Southern California when Reggie Bush was at USC, so I’ll assume she passed on dating him, which means she has even more in common with the Texans.

The Washington Redskins: Like Audrina’s boyfriend Justin Bobby, the ‘Skins are just so damn confusing. Are they the team that more than handled the Eagles this past Monday night, or the team that barely beat the sad Miami Dolphins on a last second field goal? And is his name Justin or Bobby??? Apparently his name is Justin but his friends call him Bobby…or is it the other way around? I don’t know…either way, I’m just so damn confused. Funny thing is, Audrina and Justin Bobby were all but over before the season began, had a rocky date in Week 1, and then had a great weekend away and got back together in Week 2. Sound familiar?

The Denver Broncos: Possibly the most under appreciated team in all of football, they haven’t had a losing season this decade. Almost as under appreciated is Lauren’s “friend” Whitney. She and Lauren work together, and they always “talk,” but it seems like the only things they discuss are Lauren’s problems. Whitney is more of a sounding-board than anything, it would be nice to see her assert herself every once in a while. Speaking of lack of assertion, the Broncos have won their first 2 games by a total of 4 points, on a pair of last second field goals.

The San Francisco 49ers: The ugliest of all the 2-0 teams, just like Elodie is the ugliest of the recurring characters on The Hills. I’m sorry, she is. To be fair, she would probably be really hot if she were on a show with ugly people, like Flavor of Love (sort of like how the Niners would dominate in the CFL). Her redeeming quality is that she is a hard worker and has a bright future (see Frank Gore, Alex Smith and Vernon Davis).

The Detroit Lions: Even I have to admit, Brody Jenner is a hottie. Much like the Lions, however, he is too dumb to accomplish anything. He may grace the cover of magazines, and you may enjoy gawking at him like scouts gawk at Detroit wide out Calvin Johnson, but in the end he is empty between the ears. Brody thought about hiring Lion’s offensive coordinator Mike Martz to help him pick up women, but realized that he didn’t want to be too aggressive and get turned down all the time.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: No surprise here. Like Lauren’s best friend Lo, they always seem to be around. They aren’t constant favorites in the AFC, but they are perennial contenders, and you always expect them to be there in the end. Lo was a cast member on Laguna Beach when it premiered in 2004, and since then has been a constant force. They both had down seasons in ‘06 (Lo began to lose touch with Lauren, the Steelers went 8-8) but as always, they’ve both rebounded.

Photos courtesy of MTV.com

Week 3 Picks:

Lets just say that last week proved, once and for all, that I am not a genius. If it weren’t for Green Bay beating a hobbled Eli and the New York Football Giants I would have gone 0-5.

I decided that I need to make some changes to counter my lack of intelligence. First, I will pick every game, instead of just the 4 or 5 that I like, because at this point I don’t really like any games. Second, I will stop giving a “lock of the week.” Once you screw that one up (thanks Sean Payton) nobody will take you seriously. Third and final, there will be no more “fun picks,” since nothing about this is fun.

OK, here goes nothing…

Colts (-6) over Texans*
- I love Indy on the turf, even against a division rival. Plus Houston is without Andre Johnson.

Chargers (-5) over Packers*
- If anyone has anything to prove this week its Rivers, LdT and Norv Turner.

Chiefs* (-2.5) over Vikings
- I didn’t see Hard Knocks on HBO, which some people feel is clouding my judgment.

Eagles* (-6.5) over Lions
- Speaking of something to prove, McNabb can start to prove that hes better than white quarterbacks by beating the whitest of the white, Jon Kitna.

Bills (+16.5) over Patriots
- I promised myself after last week that I wouldn’t pick against the Patriots again this season, but then I saw this line and thou-
Screw it, they’re so nasty:
Patriots (-16.5) over Bills

Jets* (-3) over Dolphins
- The Jets have a better all-around team and should be able to pull off a low scoring win.

49ers (+8.5) over Steelers*
-San Fran will be the best team that Pittsburgh has played yet and keep it close.

Ravens* (-8) over Cardinals
- After a sloppy loss and a sloppy win its time for Ray Lewis to let the dogs out.

Rams (+3.5) over Bucs*
- So what if they beat the Saints? I’m still picking against Tampa Bay every week. Call it a grudge.

Broncos* (-3) over Jaguars
- At Mile High, and the Jags are currently last against the run (that should change, but not this week).

Seahawks* (-3) over Bengals
- At Qwest field, and the Bungles are currently 30th in overall defense (that shouldn’t change).

Browns (+3) over Raiders*
- I have a fever, and the only prescription is more Derek Anderson!

Panthers (-4) over Falcons*
- Even with Vick the Panthers tend to do well in Hotlanta, where they haven’t lost in regulation since 2002. If De’Angelo Hall starts talking smack to Steve Smith the line may as well be -17.

Redskins* (-3.5) over Giants
- If the line were -6 I’d take New York, since I don’t love the ‘Skins, but the Giants need to show me something before I’m picking them on the road.

Cowboys (+3) over Bears*
- Home field advantage doesn’t mean much when your fans want to kill your quarterback.

Saints* (-4.5) over Titans
- The Superdome crowd is exactly what New Orleans needs to get back on track.

Last Week: 1-4
Season: 4-6

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by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

Where I watched: PTI Newsroom in Washington DC

Who I watched with: My friend Ross, Co-Worker Mo, and Boss Erik

1) Devin Hester is the most electric player in the league.

Do you remember playing soccer when we were younger and everyone just kicked the ball and ran but there was that one kid who was already scoring goals on headers? That’s what it feels like watching Devin Hester on special teams.

It’s no guarantee that Hester will hold onto the punt but once he takes his first two steps, I can’t think of worldly terms to describe his movements. His returns are odysseys into the end zone. Hester glided through and around Chiefs for 73 yards, six points, and hundreds of dropped jaws.

Even though those were his only tangible points, he would return everyone’s jaw to the floor late in the 3rd quarter with another journey past the pile-ons. This time Hester’s score was negated by an unneeded hold. I don’t know if it’s dumber to actually be kicking to Hester or for his teammates to commit penalties and give back points.

(Quick tangent: Two people I watched with are Bears fans and they want him in on offense. Maybe its time to give it a shot; Hester has half of the Bears touchdowns this season. These guys were talking about sending him long, throwing him screen passes, and giving him direct snaps and letting him off the leash. They seemed desperate but every time Rex drops back, the Bears offense drops with it.)

For sho, stop kicking the ball to Hester!!

2) We should all pay more attention to Jon Kitna.

Once the butt of the classic “if you were Jon Kitna, would you use yourself in Madden?” joke, Kitna’s image has drastically been changed. Not only is he a legitimate fantasy commodity and throwing to one of the top three receiving corps, but he is also fascinating.

In June, Kitna predicted that his Lions would win 10 games this season and got more laughs than Detroit native Dave Coulier ever got. Now, two games into the season, Uncle Jonny’s promise doesn’t seem so goofy. He threw three TDs in Week 1 and then outdid himself this week by returning from a concussion and leading a game-winning drive.

Kitna didn’t take much credit, claiming his recovery was a miracle. “I just definitely feel the hand of God. That’s all it was. You can’t explain it.” I had no idea God was a Lions fan or even from Michigan.

For sho, keep your eye on Kitna all year. Who knows what other fun he could deliver?

3) Every network’s broadcast needs to be improved.

This is the NFL. It has the biggest television audience, the most expensive and intricate television deals, and is the most marketable of any sport. Three major networks and ESPN all carry at least one game a week, and yet none of the broadcasts are acceptable.

FOX and CBS broadcast the most games and have the lowest video quality every year. Compare the video with those on the NBC and ESPN broadcasts and any debate is over. NBC’s Football Night in America should be flagged for too many men on the mics while ESPN’s Monday Night football is just too gimmicky.

For sho’ our beloved NFL needs a broadcast face lift from all parties.

4) Only two teams can beat the Patriots: The Colts and the Patriots.

Many teams have left their fans with questions after two weeks of play, but the play of the Patriots has made stone cold statements. The manhandling of the Chargers should have been enough to quiet some critics of Belichick’s Spy Hard sequel.

Its not that the Patriots can’t lose to other teams, it’s that they won’t. If their high octane passing game isn’t clicking, than their short yardage plays will suffice. And if neither is working, their defense will prevail. Nobody wants to admit this because we’re all so wrapped up in sideline antics, but the Patriots are lapping the competition, with exception of the Colts. When you’re that good, only you can stop yourself.

Is this cocky? Probably, but can you name another team that can play on the same field as the Patriots? Most fan bases have to spend each week of the season worrying about whether or not their team will get a win. Meanwhile, Patriots fans should be asking themselves “When will the football experts shut up and let us enjoy this season?”

Pats fans, sit back, relax and smile, this is going to be fun, for sho’.

For more of Josh Bard’s work, watch Around the Horn, weekdays on ESPN.

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Q: What do you call the law firm of Michael Vick, Eric Mangini, Roger Godell, today’s column and Theo Epstein?

I’m not going to go into how unfair and ridiculous the Commish’s ruling on Belichickgate was, all I’ll say is that if this were any other NFL team (including the Colts, Chargers, etc) there would have been absolutely no penalty. It would have been a non-issue. Nobody likes Belichick because, lets face it, his “people skills” could use a little work, and I feel that the league has always held a grudge against the Patriots for their perceived organizational arrogance (not to mention that they were unmarketable Super Bowl champs). But I digress.

Hey, it could be worse, I could be a Portland Trailblazers fan.

NFL Picks: Week 2

OK, so last week wasn’t exactly the picking debut I wanted, but I’ll take it. I’m pretty sure that the 750k fine and loss of a draft pick is my punishment for underestimating the Patriots’ dominance (or for overrating Man”genius”, whichever). I also seemed to have been the last person on the planet to be informed that the Chiefs are absolutly terrible. My bad.

Even with those blunders I still finished 3-2, thanks to the Bucs being awful, the Browns being worse, and the fact that I nailed the over/under in the Thursday nighter. Even with the Colts running up the score in the 4th quarter and Drew Brees calling timeout with 8 seconds left to get in one more pointless play the final tally stayed comfortably under 53, thanks to a brilliantly predicted slow and low-scoring first half.

On to this week…

It is a very easy week for Pick’Em leagues, with 8 teams favored by more than a touchdown. The Steelers (-9.5), Broncos (-9.5), Jags (-10) and Bears (-12) are all at home and look to be the obvious choices. Its going to be a lot harder to pick against the spread, but I’ll give it a shot.

(* indicates home team)

Colts (-7) over Titans*

Indy just has too much firepower. Doesn’t matter that the game isn’t on the turf, the Tennessee defense won’t have an answer.

Packers (+1.5) over Giants*

I’m going to go ahead and assume that either Eli Manning doesn’t start or he does and plays like he did last season. The Giants are shaky (at best) on defense, and Brandon Jacobs is banged up. The highlight of this game will be to see whether or not Tom Coughlin actually starts the “hefty lefty” Jared Lorenzo.

Bills (+9.5) over Steelers*

Like Boomer says, nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills. They will rally around Kevin Everett’s injury and come out pumped up, and I think they have the defense to keep this one close.

LOCK OF THE WEEK: Saints (-3) over Buccaneers*

The only reason that this line is so low is because the Saints got whooped on National Television in the opener against the Colts. I think that the beating they took will only provide more motivation to a team that reached the NFC championship game last season. The Saints beat the Bucs by 17 in Tampa last season, and there is no reason this year should be any different. I’m going to keep betting against Gruden’s boys until they prove me wrong.

FUN PICK OF THE WEEK:
Vikings-Lions Over 42.5 points

Detroit finished dead last in rushing last season, while Minnesota had the best run defense in the league. The Vikings did, however, finish dead last in pass defense, while the Lions finished 7th in the league in passing and then drafted Calvin Johnson. Lets just say Detroit won’t be running the ball on Sunday.

On the flip side, with Tavaris Jackson at quarterback (his career passer rating looks like a bad grade on a Spanish quiz) the Vikings can only run, and of course the Lions aren’t great at stopping any ground game.

With Kitna chucking the ball into a bad secondary all day I don’t see this as a low scoring game. The Viking’s D might outscore the O, but somehow they’ll get over 42.


(Yes, I just picked 4 road teams and 2 of the worst teams in football to exceed scoring expectations. Like I said last week, I never claimed to be a genius).

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Week 1

by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

Where I watched: Sam’s Place Sports Bar in Nashville Tennessee

Who I watched with: My brother and 2 of his Vanderbilt friends

1) The Patriots are as Real as Ed Hochuli’s Ripping Guns:

If you want to crown our ass then crown our ass. We are ice good, which Outkast would tell us is cooler than being regular good. I would argue further that it means that we are in contention for the championship ice. Urban dictionary defines ice as “expensive jewelry, usually in the form of diamonds that is worn in either necklace, ring, chain, or earrings” (it also defines it as methamphetamines, but the only Patriot that applies to is Rodney Harrison).

The Pats played so well on offense that we didn’t even notice the D. Playing without our two most game-changing players, the Patriots came through with 6 sacks and 2 forced fumbles against a team created solely to beat them. The Jets brought in a new running back as their big off-season move, which yielded less than Randy Moss-esque results.

On the Moss front, it was nice to see him awaken from a four season hibernation. We have always been told that a rolling stone gathers no moss, but we learned this week that a rolling Moss gathers 9 receptions for 183 yards and a touchdown. Anyone who watched the game must have the lasting image of Randy flying past three Jets in triple coverage and coming down with pigskin and six points in open airspace in the end zone.

(Quick Tangent- my brother and I got in a huge fight on Saturday Night that was whipped up thanks to too much beer and tequila, a long walk home, and both of us being asses. It was even sealed with a few f-bombs, a door slam, and a vow not to talk to each other for a while. The next day at the bar there was tension in the air, the hangover of a drunken fight. When Randy Moss came down with the aforementioned TD, a round of hi-fives circled the table and all was forgiven. Suddenly, our cold war was over. Randy Moss, to my brother and me, was the equivalent of Rocky to the Soviets and Americans. He was that good on Sunday.)

Anyway, the Patriots looked as solid on Sunday as I can ever remember them looking in the last six years (read: three championship seasons). The number 1 for sho-rity is that the Pats should win 13 or more games and are primed to face the Colts in the AFC Championship again.

2) Houston is this year’s sleeper.

They are looking pretty good because they have built a team with smart moves instead of trying to cannonball in the deep end that is NFL hype. Yes, that was a guised shot at Reggie Bush. Not because he isn’t exciting, fast, dating Kim Kardashian, already an NFL icon, or an enviable player. He is seemingly all of those things. I just think Mario Williams is a better fit for a Texans defensive core that is scary legit.

Pairing a solid defense with above average QB Matt Schaub and supremely under-appreciated Andre Johnson should make many teams nervous about messin’ with the Texans. (Other key components include the veteran presence of Ahman Green, coaching capability of Gary Kubiak, and Hostess cupcake schedule of KC, Miami, Atlanta, Tennessee x2, Oakland, Cleveland, Tampa Bay, and Jacksonville x2)

I don’t think they are yet ready for the playoffs but I give them 8 wins for sho,’ 9 if they keep their heads on straight and 10 if they can pull out a lucky bounce or six.

3) The NFC is wide open

Lets all agree on this one. No one looks real good. I can’t find more than two teams that actually impressed me this week. The Vikings looked good on Adrian Peterson’s fresh legs, but how good could they really be with Tarvaris Jackson at QB? They play in an easy division but I hear that sex boat scandals are like ACL tears (they take 2 seasons to recover). In the end, I don’t see it this year.

The Cowboys were as impressive as any team can be when facing an Eli Manning led team who have lost their top two running backs (to a knee injury and a Today Show job). Their defense was pretty good, not a squad you would want to face but not a team you’d fear either, as Roy Williams and DeMarcus Ware seemed fatigued already. Romo was good, TO great, but they were playing a JV defense decimated by injury.

The Saints stunk, the Eagles stunk, the Rams stunk and the Falcons stunk. No one coming out of the NFC would shock me; I would take the best Arena team with the right odds in my favor. For sho’: this is anyone’s conference and don’t be surprised if Roger Goodell makes the Super Bowl only for the AFC this year.

4) You should be able to boo people at sports bars watching NFL Sunday Ticket.

This sounds mean but is definitely something I’d like to work on. Let’s get a Sports Bar Bill of Rights. This is my proposition, I am open to amendments:

Allowed: wearing obscure team jerseys, cheering when your team is scoring so we can turn to look at your game, showing up on time (or not complaining that there isn’t a table for you), fantasy football trade negotiations, cute girls in football jerseys or cute girls who understand the game, respecting others’ hangovers, taking notes, rooting for the point spreads.

Not allowed: Asking others if you can sit down with them if you aren’t planning on rooting for the same team, bringing a computer and watching StatTracker, Mimosas, cell phone conversations longer than 2 minutes not concerning football, jerseys of players who have changed teams more than twice since being on your team.

Whether this is the final list of Dos and Don’ts is open for discussion, but this is for sho’: we need to adopt something, and quick, because there were lots of violations of common courtesy this weekend at Sam’s Place. Chime in and spread them quick or we will soon be living in a world were sports bars look more like Internet cafes or Gap Outlets.

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I am not a genius. I’ve never claimed to be. All I am is a young man who knows a lot about football. Do I know as much as an NFL expert? Of course not, but I think a lot less than they do.

See, in a world where everyone is in a fantasy league and sports gambling is a billion dollar industry, there is a huge market for “experts.” These guys know their stuff and are paid big money to make bold predictions based on all their in-depth theories. The problem is, somehow basic football logic gets lost in their complicated thought processes.

Thats where I come in. For the next 17 weeks I will pick a few games a week (I figure somewhere between 3 and 6) against the spread and also give my Lock of the Week (I’m trying to come up with a catchy name for that). I will also keep track of some “expert” pickers to see how an average Mike like myself stacks up.

Week 1 Picks (*= home team)

Jets* (+6.5) over Patriots

For 4 reasons:

1. Nobody knows Belichick like the Mangenius, the one guy in the league who might out-coach him.

2. The Pats are playing without the recently suspended Rodney Harrison and the injured Richard Seymour, two of their defensive leaders.

3. This will be Randy Moss’ first game action with his new team and Asante Samuel’s first real action since ending his holdout.

4. Laurence Maroney never carried the ball 20 times in a game last season. He will need to do that for them to win by a touchdown

Plus they’re on the road, but I’m not even ranking that as a reason since it doesn’t matter to New England.

Do I really think the Pats will lose? No. But I certainly wouldn’t bank on more than a 21-17 or 20-14 victory.

Chiefs (+3) over Texans*

Handicappers love home teams, especially on opening weekend. Kansas City made the playoffs last year while the Texans finished 6-10. Neither team lost or gained enough talent to make me ignore the fact that Larry Johnson is in his prime and the Texans’ run defense ranked 20th in the league in ‘06. Plus, Herm plays to win the game.

Steelers (-4.5) over Browns*

Not much insight here. One teams good, the other sucks, and 5 points doesn’t seem like that much to me. Sure, they’re playing in the Dog Pound, but how many points does that make up for? The Steelers are returning 10 of 11 starters on a defense that ranked 6th in the conference last season while the Browns are starting Charlie Frye at quarterback. Seems like a no-brainer but it might be a trap, we’ll see.

LOCK OF THE WEEK:

Seahawks* (-6) over Bucs

Maybe you need to spend an entire football season in the Tampa Bay area to really appreciate how terrible the Bucs are. I do think Jeff Garcia is more of a Jon Gruden-type QB (think Rich Gannon), so they improved a bit on offense from last year’s pathetic campaign. They are still trying to run Monte Kiffin’s “Tampa Two” defense that they made famous, but they don’t have the right parts anymore. The acquisition of Cato June gets them faster at linebacker, which is important in a Cover 2, and Kevin Carter might have 1 more good year left in him at D-end. The main problem is that they are still lacking that powerful nose tackle that can pressure the QB and free up the linebackers to fall back into coverage (think Warren Sapp circa 2001 or the Bears’ Tommie Harris), since Chris Hovan has proven to be unreliable.

Long story short, the Seahawks play in the loudest stadium in football and are going to beat Tampa by at least 2 scores.

Finally, a fun pick for all you degenerate gamblers:

Saints-Colts Under 53 points.

I don’t usually like betting on the over/under but I couldn’t pass on this one.

The initial reaction to this match-up is that it will be a shootout, featuring the 1st and 3rd best offenses of 2006. The Saints averaged 25.8 points per game last season, while Indy put up 26.7 per contest, an average total of 52.5.

The reason that I like the under is because I am counting on a low scoring first half. There will probably be some opening night jitters, plus good teams tend to play lower scoring games with each other, despite the proficiency of their offenses. The Colts have a decent defense while the Saints’ D is pretty good, so there is no reason to think they would outscore their averages of last season.

So there you have it, my inaugural picks. Hopefully I don’t look like a moron come Monday. While I personally don’t have the bankroll to put cash on these predictions I wholeheartedly urge you to do so…just remember who hooked you up.

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I can’t in my right mind let a whirlwind Labor Day Weekend go by without some serious reflection and pointed insight. Although Labor Day is sort of anti-climatic when you don’t have a job, I was still determined to try and have as much fun as possible.

It was the first weekend in September, better known as “Lets Have Everyone Move Into Their New Apartments On The Same Weekend Weekend” in Boston, which basically means that every road is blocked with moving vans, traffic is at a standstill and girls are scattered on the sidewalks screaming on their cellphones in tears. Basically the stress level of the entire town is at code red, while everyone who isn’t moving is just looking to help a little and party a lot. Thankfully, I was one of those people.

72 hours, 50 or so beers, 9 bars, 3 tailgates, a college football game, a PGA tournament and a no-hitter later I am alive to tell you about.

The Good

Friday

I figured that if I was going to drink beer and eat meat all weekend I might as well exercise a little bit before it all got started. I decided on an early evening run around the Charles, which is easily one of my favorite 10 things to do in Boston. I started in the West End, ran along the river on the Storrow Drive side, cut across the Mass Ave bridge and came back along Memorial Drive, finishing at the Science Museum. There is no better loop to run to really get a feel for the city, especially with the view of Capitol Hill from the MIT side of the river. The 4 miles would certainly not make up for the damage I did to my body in the following 3 days, but it was a nice way to kick off the weekend.

Saturday

I wasn’t at Fenway Park on Saturday night, nor was I in front of a TV. I was in a friend’s cable-less new apartment helping kill a keg when the rookie was mowing down O’s. My brother gave me a play-by-play of the final 2 outs, but he was in Philadelphia watching on a roommate’s computer via a Sling Box, so he wasn’t exactly Don Orsillo. Looking back I should have done more than run down the hallway of the Comm Ave apartment I was in, banging on doors and seeing if they had cable, but it had been a long day and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I didn’t actually see the game until I was watching the 1:00 AM replay at the Pour House on Boylston much later that night, and I didn’t actually see the game through sober eyes with audio until Sunday’s edition of Sox In 2.

With that said, I may not be the most qualified person to review Clay’s performance, so I won’t. I haven’t been to too many historic games at Fenway, so I can’t say where Saturday ranks among the best Sox games to be at. What I am, however, is an expert on Red Sox telecasts. While I only get to a handful of games a season I rarely miss a game on NESN, and what I can tell you is this: I have never, ever, in 17 years of cognitively viewing the Boston Red Sox, ever seen Fenway go wild like that.

I watched Ted Williams’ appearance at the ‘99 All Star Game, the same game that Pedro Martinez made the best hitters in the National League look foolish. The place went nuts that night, but it was an All Star game which meant that the place wasn’t packed with true fans, plus they have added thousands of seats since then, so it couldn’t compare on the noise meter.

I was tuned in for the ‘04 ALCS, when Roberts stole 2nd in Game 4 and Ortiz did nothing but hit walk-offs, and Fenway wasn’t as loud as Saturday. The reason for this is probably because half the fans had already had heart-attacks by extra innings in those games, plus the Sox were still down in the series.

The best part about the no-no, and the reason why I am claiming it to be the best collective Fenway fan reaction of my lifetime, is because everybody agreed. The score was 10-0 and nobody was worried about the outcome. If there were Orioles fans in attendance they were certainly pulling for Buchholz by the 8th. With an Ortiz game winning homer, even in his prime clutchness, people were still nervous when he came to the plate in the 9th with a man on. Thats the difference about Saturday: nobody was on the edge of their seats. Instead they were standing, jumping, screaming, hugging and dancing at every out. Not one person left the Fens that night, not even Phil Mickelson’s young children. Everyone old enough to comprehend what was happening would’ve given every cent in their pockets to see the barely 23-year-old toss a no-hitter in just his second big league start, including Phil Mickelson.

It was that energy, that electricity, that made 4 Yawkey Way THE place to be on the first night of September. I hope to God that someday I get to experience a game half that exciting.

The Baddeley

Sunday

What I needed most on Sunday was a day of rest, but my buddy Greg and I had tickets to the Deutche Bank Championship in Norton, MA and couldn’t pass up on a day of Tiger and Phil. I had never been to a PGA event, so I didn’t really know what to expect when I arrived at the TPC course, except of course a lot of walking and a hangover. I’m sure that there is a proper way to view a golf tournament, whether it be staying at one hole or following one guy, but we decided to just walk around sporadicly and look for golfers we recognized.

(Sidenote: We got the tickets from an Ithaca friend who was working at the tournament. The week before she tried to convince me to help her out by caddying for the Pro-Am the day before the real tournament began, with a chance that I could be on Donald Trump’s bag. The problem was that I had a job interview that day and couldn’t reschedule, so I had to weigh the 1 in 10 chance that I got some sales job with the 1 in 1,000 chance that I became the next Apprentice. I chose to interview and didn’t get the job. Should have rolled the dice.)

Greg and I first stood at the practice tees for a while, which might have been the most amazing part of the day, as we watched the pros hit incredible shot after incredible shot. You know those PGA commercials that say “These guys are good”? They’re not kidding, its the perfect slogan.

From there we made our way towards the 5th hole and found an enormous hoard of people, 4 deep along the ropes. Sure enough, this was the crowd that followed Mr. Woods. Now, it is very difficult for me to describe the way that fans follow Tiger. The only comparison that I can make is to the way Catholics flock around the Pope. Seriously, never since my trip to the Vatican have I seen more people in awe of one man. We followed the masses until Tiger made his putt at the 6th green, and then decided that we would have more fun staying in one place and watching people play through.

We stayed at the 6th long enough to see Mickelson hit the most incredible approach I have ever seen in person, and then to watch the next group play through, which included 26-year-old Australian Aaron Baddeley. We took an immediate linking to “Badds,” not because of his golf game but mostly due to his smoking hot wife and her even hotter friends.

(Sidenote: At the time I did not know this was his wife, but the way she said “Great shot Aaron” gave me a sense of familiarity, plus this group of gorgeous blondes did not look like your typical golf fans. When I got home I googled the crap out of Baddeley and learned that it was in fact his wife, Richelle, and that she and her friends were members of the “Badds Brigade.” He also has a ridiculously self-indulgent website. You can’t make this stuff up.)

So that basically made the decision for us, Badds was our new favorite golfer and we would join the brigade and follow him for the rest of the day. We tagged along for the next 5 holes until we got our 130th awkward “please watch the golf and stop staring at me” look from the beauties and decided to leave Team Baddeley behind. We ventured to the 18th green and got lucky by snagging some great seats in the grandstand, where we stayed as everyone finished up.

My first PGA event turned out to be a huge success, and I learned that nothing cures a hangover like $6 Bud Lights and 300 yard drives.

The Ugly

Saturday

I’m pretty sure the national media has piled enough criticism on the Michigan Wolverines, so there is no need for me to elaborate. In fact, their loss to Appalachian State may have been the 2nd ugliest thing to happen in college football that day…

Let me set the scene: It is the first quarter of the BC-Wake Forest football game at Alumni Stadium in Chestnut Hill. It is around 4:00, hours since my day of tailgating began at noon. I am standing in the BC student section behind the west goalpost with good friends Mike and Hank (both BC alum). I am wearing a plain white t-shirt and seersucker shorts while everyone else (and I mean everyone) in the section is wearing a yellowish-gold BC Superfan shirt. I have just realized that each yellow t-shirt has a different slogan on the back based on school year, so I start yelling “EAGLES SOAR TOGETHER!” or some crap at every freshman girl I see.

As I am in the process of making myself stand out even more than I was before, Wake Forest scores a touchdown right in front of us to take a 14-0 lead. Seemingly the only one in the section not phased by the early deficit, I get excited about the prospect of catching the extra point kick. I bet Mike and Hank $10 each that I can get the ball, then proceed to tell the entire row of girls behind us that if I catch the PAT they need to meet us at the bar after the game, and they agree.

I move into the aisle directly lined up with the uprights, and position myself perfectly. I am definitely the only guy who is making a serious bid for this ball, which gets me even cockier, and I turn to an older guy in the next section and guarantee to make a catch. “And when I do, I’m going to throw the ball back and hit the Demon Deacon’s mascot, Johnny Moxon style.” The gentleman wished me luck.

Then everything went wrong. The snap was good, the kick was good, and it cleared the net, but now it was time for me to do my part. The ball was soaring, end-over-end, right at me, and at this point I really thought I was going to be a hero. As the ball was coming down towards the aisle I realized that I was a step or 2 too high and that it was going to hit at might feet, so I jumped down a couple rows just as the ball arrived. Sure enough it hit me right in the nuts.

Now I’m not talking about a little, “oops got ya in the balls” situation, I’m talking like full-on, can’t breathe, right in the testicles pain. I immediately dropped the ball, keeled over and collapsed onto the metal stairs. All I could hear was laughter.

After a minute or so on the canvas I collected myself and headed back to my row. People were still pointing and laughing, and the older gentleman asked me if I was OK. When I got back to my seat one of the girls behind me joked about how she wouldn’t be seeing me at the bar, and everyone laughed again. The only person not surprised by my display was Mike, who has known me since kindergarten and has come to expect these type of scenes.

Long story short, I felt for Michigan that day, since we were both dealt devastating low blows.

Monday

Finally a day to recover. I was flirting with the idea of having a barbecue but the fact that I had slept for less than 15 hours in the past 3 nights caused me to take a day off. I came home and hit my couch hard with the new Sports Illustrated in hand.

I hadn’t gotten a chance to really delve into SI’s NFL preview yet, and I was interested to see how Peter King would rank the best 500 players in the league. Lets just say I was more than disappointed.

(Sidenote: I met Peter King’s next door neighbor on Friday night and she said he was the nicest guy ever, so I will try and be as polite as possible with my critique).

My first problem was the Tedy Bruschi was ranked 404th. Now, I’m not saying that he is as good as he was 3 or 4 years ago, but c’mon. You’re telling me there is over 400 players that you would rather have on your team? I saw that rookie middle linebacker Patrick Willis was ranked 151 spots higher than Bruschi so I assumed that King compiled the list based on potential, but then I see promising offensive tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson ranked 355.

I understand how difficult it must have been ranking guys who play different positions, comparing apples with oranges and bananas and watermelons, so I won’t complain that Vikings defensive tackle Kevin Williams is ranked higher than Antonio Gates, Larry Johnson and Marvin Harrison. It disturbs me, but I won’t complain. What I will give Mr. King (great guy, I’ve heard) is some crap about his ranking of guys at the same positions.

Donovan McNabb, when healthy, is one of the best play makers in the league, and easily the most talented quarterback not named Manning or Brady. King ranks him 72, behind Vince Young (41), Philip Rivers (38), and Marc Bulger (18). Young should pray that someday he is included in the same sentence with McNabb, while Rivers and Bulger are products of their respective systems (look at Rivers’ game log from 2006, he had some terrible games).

King obviously has something against the Eagles, or perhaps the city of Philadelphia, because he also stuck Brian Westbrook at #96. Westbrook has been both the leading rusher and the go-to receiver for Philly the last few years, and shows no signs of slowing down. Would you really rather have Maurice Jones-Drew (84) or a guy who can only return kicks like Devin Hester (69!).

Lock down corner De’Angelo Hall got jobbed at 133, waaay behind Asante Samuel (40) and Nnamadi Asomugha (45) who got props for being in the right place at the right time and getting a skewed amount of interceptions. Steelers star runner Willie Parker was ranked 2 spots behind Chargers back-up Michael Turner, which is ludicrous, and Randy Moss found himself at 246 (I know he dogged it in recent years but look me in the face and tell me he isn’t still one of the 5 most talented wide outs in football). And thats not even the worst thing…Needham High grad and Saints’ tight end Eric Johnson didn’t even make the list!!! You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

I could go probably go on all day if I had kept reading, but I got too stressed and decided to dumb it down and turn on MTV. Thankfully, MTV apparently knew exactly what I needed. While I’m not ready to declare what I saw next as another Age of Love-type show and write about it weekly for this blog, I can say that it went immediately on my DVR list. I am of course talking about Celebrity Rap Superstar.

I won’t go into detail, you really need to see the show for yourself, but basically its just 7 or 8 “celebrities” being tutored (for like 20 minutes) by C list rappers, and then getting up on stage and American Idoling some rap favorites. The best performance of the night belonged to Char Jackson (formerly of Moesha and Kevin Federline’s bed) who “owned it” as the judges said. Rocker Sebastian Bach was also pretty good, but I thought he had an unfair advantage seeing that he was basically just doing his day job in a different tempo. The worst of the night was a 3-way tie between one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends, Pedro from Napolean Dynamite, and some douche bag from Laguna Beach, who all bombed miserably.

(It was Jason (right) from Laguna Beach and The Hills, the one that dated Lauren Conrad. I was going to play it cool and pretend I didn’t know about him but this site is all about honesty and I love those shows).

Its an absurd program but won’t be canceled because its on MTV (which is great because it has plenty of potential). It was the perfect mind-numbing entertainment to relax me after a crazy weekend.

I am definitely getting too old for this shit.

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