Archive for October, 2007

Last night was just one of those nights that makes you thank your lucky stars that you’re from Boston.

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The following excerpts are pieces of emails between Dave Fialkov and Mike Stiriti, while the two Godfather aficionados were discussing how Boston sports compares with the Corleone family.

I have started to think of Terry Francona as the Godfather, and it makes everything he does hilarious. Can you just picture this scene in his office?

Francona: “When we make the move out west I want Lester to be my left hand man.”

Wakefield: “But Terry…”

Francona: “You’re out, Tim.”

Or that scene in Part 2 where they talk about killing Hyman Roth…

Francona: Tim, I need to know that you support me. If not, you can take your wife, and Doug Mirabelli, and go down to Vegas.

Wake: Why do you treat me like this Terry, I’ve always been loyal to you.

Francona (in Italian): So, you’re staying?

Wake: Si, estayo.

George Steinbrenner talking about Dice-K…

“Dice-K Matsuzaka never gets that win. That game is perfect for him, it’ll make him a big STAR, and I’m gonna run him out of the league - and let me tell you why: Larry Lucchino ruined one of the Yankee’s most valuable prospects. For five years we had him under training - pitching lessons, fielding lessons, English lessons. I spent 40 million dollars on him, I was gonna make him a big STAR. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I’m not a hard-hearted man, and that it’s not all dollars and cents: His gyroball was beautiful; he was young; his fastball had movement. He had the greatest piece of arm I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen ‘em all over the world! And then Larry Lucchino comes along with his 51 million and guinea charm, and he runs off. He threw the pinstripes away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position can’t afford to be made to look RIDICULOUS!!!”

Larry “Lucky” Lucchino to Don John Henry…

“I believe in Red Sox Nation. Red Sox Nation has made my fortune. And I raised Theo Epstein in the Red Sox fashion. I gave him freedom, but I taught him never to dishonor his team. He found a rightfielder; not a 5th-hitter. He went to the bank with him; he gave him money. I didn’t protest. Two months ago, J.D. Drew came up to the plate, with the bases loaded. They cheered for him to get a hit. They wanted him to take advantage of his talent. He resisted. He kept hitting into double plays. So they booed him, like smart fans. When I went to the locker room, his confidence was a’broken. His ego was a’shattered, held together by his 70 million reasons to live. He didn’t even weep because of the guaranteed money. But I wept. Why did I weep? He was the hope of my spring, beautiful swing. Now he will never be a .300 hitter again. I went to the manager, like a good CEO. Francona brought Drew into his office. The manager changed his place in the batting order - to leadoff. TO LEADOFF! He led off that very day! I stood in the locker room like a fool. And those two bastards, Theo and Drew, they smiled at me. Then I said to Jacoby Ellsbury, for justice, we must go to Don John Henry.”

Scene from a New York City Hotel Room, circa October 2007…

Mariano Rivera: Hey Boss. How do you feel?

Steinbrenner: I’d give 7.2 million just to be able to take a piss without it hurting.

Rivera: Who said that Joe Torre would be let go if we lost the Cleveland series?

Steinbrenner: Uh, Brian Cashman.

Rivera: I know, but who gave the go ahead? I don’t think I agree with that.

Steinbrenner: A few years ago, in 2004, I spent a lot of money on the Yankees to win a world series. I re-signed a lot of key people, brought in Gary Sheffield, Alex Rodriguez. And I had faith in Joe Torre. Things were good, we made the most of it. During the playoffs, we breezed through the first round, and faced the Red Sox in the playoffs. After we won the first three games, the prospect of getting back to a World Series excited me so much, that I took a vacation until the series began, just to prepare myself. Later on, I got a phone call from Mr. Cashman, telling me that there would be no Yankees in the World Series. Now, there isn’t even a banner, or a plaque, or a signpost, commemorating the 2004 Yankee season in this town! Someone blew a few saves, I don’t know who. When I heard it, I wasn’t angry. I knew Torre, I know how he manages a bullpen, making bizarre moves, doing stupid things. So when I heard we blew the series against the Red Sox…I let it go. And I said to myself, THIS IS THE BUSINESS WE’VE CHOSEN. I DIDN’T ASK WHO BLEW THE SAVES, BECAUSE IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BUSINESS. That 5 million — in a bag in your locker. I’m going to take a nap — when I wake, if the contract’s on my desk, I’ll know I have a closer. If it’s not, I’ll know I don’t.

Scene from Theo Epstein’s office on November 6th 2007…

Theo Epstein: Our friend and former relief pitcher Eric Gagne is in the news. The front office of the Yankees turned down his request to play there as a replacement to Rivera. He landed at La Guardia last night offering a “gift” of playing for only a million dollars if they’d let him stay. They said no. His changeup has been invalidated, except for his return trip to AAA.

Tom Werner: He’ll try Cleveland next.

Larry Luccino: Cleveland won’t take him. Not for a million, not for less then a million.

After the New England Patriots practice on Thursday, October 11th…

Gisele Bundchen: Tom, you never told me you knew Randy Moss!

Tom Brady: Oh sure, you want to meet him?

Gisele: Yeah!

Brady: You know, my coach helped Randy in his career.

Gisele: Really? How?

Brady: …Let’s watch him braid his cornrows

Gisele: [after watching Randy for a while] Please, Tom. Tell me.

Brady:…Well when Randy was in the 8th year of his career, he was signed to this contract with an asshole owner. And as his career got worse and worse he wanted to get out of it. Now, Randy is my coach’s favorite receiver. Belichick went to see the owner, with an offer of a 2nd round draft pick to let Randy go, but the owner said no. So the next day, Belichick went to see the owner again, only this time with Vince Wilfork. Within an hour, the owner signed the release, for just a 6th round pick.

Gisele: How did he do that?

Brady: Belichick made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Gisele: What was it?

Brady: Vince Wilfork sat on his head, and my father assured the owner that either Randy Moss or the owner’s dead body would be leaving Oakland.

Gisele: …

Brady: …Thats a true story.

(cut to Moss trash talking about TO and the Cowboys)

Brady: That’s my team Gisele, its not me.

Scene from Don Francona’s office, 1:45 AM Sunday October 14th 2007

Don Francona: Gagne, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a closer; you’re not a set-up man. I don’t want to know you or what you do when you’re not blowing playoff games. I don’t want to see you in the locker room, I don’t want you near my clubhouse. When you see our general manager, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there. You understand?

About 13 years ago…………

(After a game in Texas, Rick Reilly is walking around the Ranger locker room and approaches the locker of Jose Canseco. Fearing being caught red-handed, Jose quickly throws a bag of performance-enhancing drugs to Rafael Palmiero, who–confused and calm–puts them in a bag in his locker….)

(2 days later, The following conversation takes place in Spanish….)

Jose Canseco: You still have my goods?

Rafael Palmiero: (nods)

Jose: Did you look inside?

Rafael: I’m not interested in things that don’t concern me.

Jose: A friend of mine in the Bay Area has some good andro…Maybe your wife would like it if you hit more home runs.

Rafael: Sure, she would. But who wants to buy Andro.

Jose: It would be a present. I know how to return a favor.

Rafael: Yea sure — my wife would like more home runs.

Eric Mangini talking to assistant coach Bryan Cox and GM Mike Tannenbaum the night before the Week 1 contest against the Patriots…

Mike Tannenbaum: Lets talk about this game tomorrow and get a strategy to counter the Patriots’ camera tricks.

Bryan Cox: No! No more strategy sessions…You want to counter their camera tricks? Say STOP VIDEOTAPING GAMES FROM THE SIDELINE, if not, I go to the League with it.

Tannenbaum: No, coach, the other teams won’t stand for that!

Cox: Well than the other teams and the reputation fo the league are going to have to suffer.

Tannenbaum: You’re taking this too personally Bryan!

Cox: You call cheating against our team not personal?

Tannenbaum: Even cheating against us was business. Now, I just checked, and the guy who is videotaping our game tomorrow is definetly on Bellichick’s payroll and for big money. What you have to understand coach, is that no team has ever ratted out another team for this kind of thing before, never. You remember Green Bay last year. It would be catastrophic, all the teams would come after us, the Jets would be outcast!

Cox: All right, we wait.

Mangini (at his desk): It can’t wait.

Cox: What?

Mangini: It can’t wait. No matter what Belichick says, he’s gonna cheat tomorrow. That’s the key for him. Gotta get Belichick. There’s gonna be a game tomorrow, right? It will be us and the Patriots. We checked the schedule and find out where it’s gonna be held. Now we insist that a member of the Commissioner’s office knows what we’re up to, so I feel safe. Now, Belichick will talk to people before the game, so he can’t know what we’re up to then. But if one of you can find a way to have someone point out to a league official what their camera guy on the sideline is up to, I’ll rat out Belichick then.

Bryan Cox: What are you doing? Nice young coach. You think this is the game film, where you do this from a booth? No, you rat him out and then BADDA BING, GO SHAKE HIS HAND AT MIDFIELD AFTER THE GAME. You’re taking this awfully personal. Hey Mike, this is football and Mangini is taking this very personal.

Mangini: Where does it say you can’t rat out a coach?

Tannenbaum: Eric, come on.

Mangini: Now, wait a minute, we’re talking about a crooked coach, a dishonest coach who got caught up in cheating and got what was coming to him. That’s a terrific story. Now, we got Jets fans working for ESPN, don’t we coach?

Tannenbaum: Yes.

Mangini: Well, they might like a story like that.

Tannenbaum: They might….they just might

Mangini: It’s not personal fellas. It’s strictly football.

For more of Dave and Mike, email us while we’re supposed to be working

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by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

Where I watched: The PTI Newsroom Who I watched with: Tony Reali

1) The Road to Domination is Long

All over the TV/radio/newspapers/internet there have been postulations, speculations, and smack-talkification about the Patriots going undefeated. It’s all just banter at this point.

It’s not that I don’t believe that it could or will happen; it’s just that I think we’re a little premature here. Is this perhaps the best time in the history of the world to be a Bostonian? Is the epicenter of the Sports World located near the Mass Pike? Maybe, but lets not engrave any trophies yet. Hope is rational, when a team dismantles others every week like it is 1930’s Germany storming through Europe (WW2 references are all the rave this fall). Yet it must be countered with a bit of realism.

Germany blew it because they ran into Russia, a country that was seemingly miles behind in terms of quality of battle (for the record, another downfall was the senseless killing of minorities thing that made every team gang up on them). All the war talk programs weren’t afraid of Russia on the road like the sports talk shows aren’t concerned about the Pats chances with Buffalo on the road or the Miami in snowy Foxboro.

Here’s the thing, even if the Patriots are better than all of the other teams, they have to not get unlucky 10 more times. No game yet has been close enough for a bad call to change the result but let’s not count out that chance.

Breaking down the schedule real quick, there are a few Russia’s that could derail this Blitzkrieg. The obvious one is the Colts… on the road… in two weeks. I’ll be happy to start thinking about world domination after week nine. Pittsburgh and the Giants are two other roadside mines potentially keeping Patriots flag waving across the land.

Either way lets table this discussion and see if it’s still valid in after week 9. For sho’ the Pats are great but there may be overlooked foes ruining an unblemished record: Injuries, bad calls, friendly fire, and an insane number of Russian replacement troops.

2) Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?

I don’t know if I feel bad for Cleveland because the Cavs got swept by the Spurs in the 2007 NBA Finals where a Frenchman was the MVP or because they just joined the ’04 Yankees by embarrassing themselves in the ALCS. Either way I want to pose a question: How many years can a team be rebuilding before its fans question the coach or organization?

Depending on the next few weeks, Browns fans might start feeling the same tightening of the throat, tearing of the eyes they experienced with the Cavs and Tribe. At 3-3, the Browns aren’t out of contention for anything from a wild card playoff spot to Top 10 draft pick. What if things go south in upcoming games against Seattle, at Pittsburgh and at Baltimore?

In Romeo Crennel’s two-year tenure he has gone 6-10 and then 4-12. Cleveland drafts well, with guys like Braylon Edwards, Joe Thomas, Kellen Winslow, Brady Quinn and Kamerion Wimbley. They’ve had good signings tarnished by injuries in Willie McGinest, Jamal Lewis and LeCharles Bentley. But the stats here don’t lie and the Browns defense has gotten worse quicker than the offense has improved. The Browns haven’t won more than six games since 2002. Tom Petty said “The waiting is the hardest part,” but he never rooted for the Browns.

So how long is too long to wait for a decent team? Maybe the Browns get hot, and the talent finally surfaces, but if I were from Cleveland I would demand 8 wins or for sho’ demand some changes.

3) I Believe in Fantasy Football Karma

Anyone who knows me (at least in the DC area), knows I’ve been bragging a lot about my work fantasy football team. I bragged about my team name “Hardon the Porn,” a twist on league name Pardon the Horn. I bragged about snagging Brian Westbrook with the 11^th pick. I bragged about two trades that caused multiple “trade roofies” jokes in the office (Lendale White for Ronnie Brown; Willis McGahee and Santana Moss for Reggie Bush and Larry Fitzgerald). I bragged about taking down the 5-0 team. I bragged how my 3-3 team was a surefire playoff team and anointed it a team to beat.

And then the storm hit. I had a season low in points this week. Ronnie Brown goes down making a tackle. MAKING A TACKLE!!! I got passed in the standings by teams I was sure I was better than. I blame it all on fantasy karma. I never should have opened my mouth and rubbed in the trades. I shouldn’t have counted on easy wins and guaranteed points. I shouldn’t have considered my extra running-back as a blue chip trade bait.

I’m afriad this karma may carry over to the NFL too. I shed my first beads of sweat over the Patriots this weekend, as Tom Brady came back onto the field in the fourth quarter in Miami. Belichick, in typical F you all style, called on number 12 to throw up a sixth touchdown, after giving away a score with the backup in. Brady jogged in, walked down field, and ran back to the sideline to end his day. It easily could have turned out worse, as I was picturing it, with Brady’s leg in four pieces and the world finding out that Brady really does bleed for the Patriots.

These decisions never seem to pay off, eventually things come full circle. Beware, because for sho’ karma doesn’t have to be on the schedule to beat your favorite football team or you fantasy geek-league squad.

4) Denver Broncos…yuck.

As I perused the standings, I threw up on myself when I saw that the Broncos were a 500 team. 3 wins and 3 losses.

Mike Shanahan’s team won again on Sunday by a field goal, their third win at the last second. In Week 1 Denver’s kicker Jason Elam connected with :01 left and the clock running. In Week 2 it was Shanahan, with the tricky timeout on the Raiders’ Sebastian Janikowski to win by 3. Then they lost by 9, 18, and 38 to Jacksonville, Indy, and San Diego respectively. This week it was another field goal win.

Total point differential for the Broncos? -58. Take that and think about it for a second. Here are the teams with worse differentials: the Miami Dolphins and St. Louis Rams. Two teams with a combined win total of zilch.

We’re talking about one of the numerous NFL teams that could beat any team (besides the Pats) on any given Sunday, but come back the next week and lose to the aforementioned Miami and St. Louis teams.

(Editor’s note: If Will Smith or Nelly try to write a rap song about Boston I am going to hire Suge Knight to take care of the problem. Forget about the SI Cover Jinx, how about The Curse of the Soft Rapper NFL City Titled Song?)

For ’sho, don’t waste your time or money on the Denver Broncos.

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Late Edition

A 12-2 Game 6 victory leads to excessive celebration which leads to not getting your picks in for the 1:00 games. I’m pretty sure nobody was counting on my brilliance to make them some Benjamins, so I won’t apologize.

Cowboys (-9.5) over Vikings
Adrian Peterson is a beast and scares the piss out of me, but Minnesota has a terrible pass defense, so Romo and TO shouldn’t have too much trouble putting up 28.

Chiefs (+2) over RAIDERS
The Raiders have a negative turnover ratio, the Chiefs have a positive one. Thats enough for me. Oh, and a message to Priest Holmes, you still owe me a 2005 fantasy football season, whenever you get a chance.

BENGALS (-6) over Jets
Heeeerrrreeees CARSON.

Bears (+5.5) over EAGLES
Now that McNabb is no longer a mobile quarterback the Bears should have no problem getting in his grill. Look for Tommie Harris and Ricky Manning to have big days.

Rams (+8) over SEAHAWKS
Every week. 0-6 taking St. Louis. Terrified to jump from the bandwagon the week they show up, so I’m staying on.

Steelers (-3.5) over BRONCOS
Now that it is pretty clear that Denver no longer has a home field advantage they aren’t getting the obligatory -3 at Mile High. Pittsburgh’s D will stifle Travis Henry and Willie Parker should have a big day. Steelers by 7.

Colts (-3) over JAGS
The Jags always play Indy tough, beating them frequently, and the Colts are worse on the road. If that weren’t enough reason to take the Jags in a mini-upset, Marvin Harrison might not play. But I still like the Colts, they always come to play on national TV night games.

Last Week: 8-3-2
Season: 29-18-5

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If you ask most 23-year-old members of Red Sox Nation which team they most identify with, the majority will say the 2004 squad. Nothing wrong with that, of course, those curse-killers were a lovable bunch of idiots. None of us will ever forget those 2 weeks in late October when our Sox rallied from the brink of defeat and went on the best 8-game winning streak of all time.

Tonight, scattered throughout the country, the members of that ‘04 team are doing different things. Pedro is counting his money under a mango tree, Damon is looking at himself in the mirror and Kevin Millar is off somewhere, doing what Kevin Millar does. But for 8 members of that storied group, tonight is spent in a Cleveland hotel room. They are most likely resting, reflecting, and studying some tape on C.C. Sabathia. What they should do is walk down the hallway and start talking. Talk to Dice-K. Chat with J.D. Drew and Coco Crisp. Share some laughs with Delcarmen and Pedroia. Try and imitate the mood of ‘04, when a bunch of idiots didn’t see a 3 games to none deficit as anything to worry about and took care of business. Tell them to take it one game at a time. Tell them to have fun doing it.

2004 was special, don’t get me wrong, but this is my team. The 2007 Boston Red Sox are my Red Sox. During previous seasons as a fan I had obstacles: school, work, a girlfriend. This year, it was just me and the Sox. I studied the Sox, I clocked in every night at 7:05 (frequently working over time), and most importantly, I love these Sox.

I was there when they were trying to sign Matsuzaka, trying to guess how much yen it would take to steal him from the Yanks. I was there when they signed Drew, trying to start a fan club (”The Drew Crew”) even though I knew they paid way too much for him. I went to spring training for the first time in my life, and had the MLB cable package in April when I was still in Florida. I followed them to the Bronx, making my first ever (and last, I promise) trip to Yankee Stadium in late May. I flew back down to Tampa for their mid-summer series with the Rays, loving the fact that the Trop was filled with Varitek jerseys. And I watched. Not every pitch of all 169 games, but most of them.

During the near-implosion in Toronto last month I decided to lower my goals for the team. I decided that if they could hold on and win the East, take their Division Series and watch the Yankees lose theirs, then 2007 would be a success.

Now, I want to take that back. No matter what happens tomorrow, or this weekend, these guys had a great season, but I should never have lowered my goals. Why should I? The team hasn’t lowered their’s. They will take the field for the 170th time tomorrow night, in crappy weather, in a crappy city, and they will go to work like they have every night. And they are going to win, because the Cy Young Award winner is taking the mound on regular rest, and because to be on the Red Sox means to know that you’re never out of it.

That is why, for better or worse, this is my team. Varitek is still my captain and Ortiz is still my Papi. Schilling is still the guy I want out there in a big game, Manny is still the best attraction in baseball, and Wakefield is, without a doubt, the most important Red Sox player of my lifetime. Beckett is my Ace, Pedroia is my Rookie of the Year and Lowell is my MVP. Julio Lugo may not field like Alex Gonzalez or hit like Orlando Cabrera, but he is my shortstop (until the off season), and J.D. Drew may be a huge disappointment, but he is my huge disappointment.

Most importantly, Terry Francona is my manager.

I don’t care what anybody says about the talent of this team, they don’t make the playoffs with anyone else at the helm. We were foolish in ‘04, giving the credit to Theo Epstein. With all respect to the boy wonder, Tito got this team 3 wins from the World Series in spite of the front office moves. Maybe you’re not happy that he brought in Gagne for the 11th on Saturday, or that Jacoby Ellsbury hasn’t gotten a chance in the playoffs, or that Beckett didn’t go last night on 3 days rest. All I know is that he has made the right moves for the last 4 seasons and you probably don’t even coach a little league team.

I know that the Pats are 6-0, that BC is ranked #3 in the nation, and that the Celtics picked up KG and Jesus Shuttlesworth. I hear ya, it’s going to be a lot of fun in the coming months. But don’t get ahead of yourself. We all know which team owns this city, and their season isn’t over yet. After Beckett takes care of business tomorrow night the series will go back to Fenway, and Tom Brady will have to stay on page D2 for another few days.

This is my team, these are my guys, and I’m not giving up on them yet.

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by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

Where I watched: PTI Newsroom

Who I watched with: My friends Mo and Tony and my boss Erik

Patriots: Get It? Got It? Good.

There really is only one serious question left: Are the Pats better than the Colts?

Here’s what we know: The Patriots are better than all of the other teams by at least 17 points. They can beat you with their defense. They can beat you in the air with Moss, Stallworth, Watson, or Welker, or a combination. They can beat you on the ground with backup running-back Sammy Morris. Ellis Hobbs is a special teams threat. Brady is a deity and could impregnate a woman who had her tubes tied (I believe ESPN’s Chris Mortensen is reporting that Tom Brady was actually the one who impregnated the Virgin Mary). Bill Belichick is on a mission to defecate on every team until the league gets the message.

(Patent idea: A t-shirt with a picture of the Mangini-Belichick manhug from last year and under the picture it says “Lets Hug it Out Snitch”)

Objectively, if I had to list a concern at this point of the season, I would question how the Patriots will handle a game that is close at the end. At this rate, their late game composure will go untested much of the year. For sho’ the Patriots will be on cruise control up to week 9. Until then we will have to wonder how the Patriots will motivate themselves to keep this up.

2) NFC South: Worst to First

The NFL re-aligned divisions in 2002, creating the NFC South for the Saints, Panthers, Buccaneers, and Falcons. Every year since (except for one) the last place team the year before has gone on to win the division the next year (in 2004 the Panthers finished third and won in 2005). Besides not owning a lap dog and never dating girls with dragon tattoos, that’s the only rule of the NFC South.

Jon Gruden’s Bucs finished 4-12 and in the cellar last year. This year things are looking better, even without substantial change from last year. Ignoring the draft, the Bucs seemingly only made one big upgrade: Jeffery Jason Garcia, quarterback esquire (Tangent- There have been a lot of questions asked about Jeff Garcia’s personal life which may have been avoided if he called himself JJ Garcia. That’s a man’s names).

Here’s what JJ does. He doesn’t throw interceptions and because of that he doesn’t lose much. Last year in the last eight games started for the Iggles, Garcia threw 2 picks versus his 10 TDs. This year as the captain of the Buccaneers Black Pearl, Garcia is six touchdowns deep, without any interceptions. Garcia doesn’t have the rocket arm of Peyton, the mojo of Brady, or the weapons of Romo but for sho’ Garcia is as steady at the helm as anyone in the league. So long as I’m not the center he lines up behind, I want JJ Garcia on my squad.

3) New Orleans Saints Premature E-back-ulation

Lets just say I am on the bandwagon, but I’m sitting close to the emergency exit. The way I feel about the Saints now is the way I feel about Hayden Panetierre; I’m a fan a little to early for me comfortable admitting to the public.

Did you see the game on Sunday night?!? Me neither because game three of the NLCS was on and I was flipping between that and a DVR-ed Heroes episode. But I saw an extended highlight and checked the stats. Could it be that the 2006 Saints are back in original form? It only took five tries to get it right this year, but 2007 Brees looks like 2006 Brees, 2007 Bush almost looks like 2006 Bush, and 2007 David Patten looks like 2004 David Patten.

Mark the Saints down for easy wins against Atlanta twice, San Fran, St Louis, Carolina, and Arizona. If they can win a couple others, we’re talking playoffs again. Remember, they haven’t lost to a team who is under .500 yet. For sho, give it some time, especially for the defense to keep improving, but this is a Saints team that has a chance against the NFC Premier (oxymoron).

4) No Signs of Life at the Trading Deadline…

Why cant the NFL trading deadline be a big deal like it is in the NBA and MLB and like it used to be in the NHL before the NHL died? Week six (one third of the way through the season) seems unusually early for a deadline but the lack of activity is inane.

There are teams that need running-backs (Packers, Bucs, Rams sans Jackson) and teams that have running-back surpluses (Vikings, Redskins, Panthers, Jaguars), so why aren’t there trades? You’re telling me that that the Packers and Bucs, who are potentially playoff bound, wouldn’t give up a draft pick for one of them? There are also match-ups for meager wide receiving corps and injury depleted defenses.

As far as I can tell, there were only two trades, both for draft picks. Chris Chambers to the Chargers and lifelong backup Michael Bennett to the Bucs. Basically the NFL’s snooze button function.

With the deadline being in week six, one would think more teams are still in a buyers’ state of mind. Are teams afraid to give up draft picks because without picks, the NFL draft weekend is even more boring than it already is? With all of the changes Roger Goodell is trying to make to the NFL, for sho’ he should find a way to incentivize a trading deadline program. The Goodell Rule, a way to catalyze the limp trading deadline: brought to you by Cialis, the offical “catalyst” of the NFL. Someone tell Brett Favre to warm up the arm, we need a football through a tire swing!

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by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

I woke up this morning with an odd feeling that I couldn’t place. I recognized the feeling, I’ve awakened to it before. I immediately sensed regret, and after four years of college I knew to check for the obvious signs of a late night mistake. After quick walk through my apartment I confirmed that I was alone, but there were some empties auspiciously scattered on my coffee table.

The mystery in the air could be cleared up with one final test: a check of the cell phone call log. Who did I call or text last night in the wee hours of the morning?

(Side note: Technological patent idea! I wish my phone had a Breathalyzer device on it like DUI offenders get on their cars. Where I must blow less than a .08 to place a call or text).

When I got to the inbox, it all made sense:

Received at 1:01am from Brother: I cant breathe right now. Gagne? Whyyy?

Sent at 1:06am to Brother: Did Jon Lester die? Why is Gagne coming in?

Received at 1:13am from Brother: I cant watch this anymore, its not healthy.

And so I was right and wrong. It was a late night mistake, egregious to the very core. It was a familiar mistake, although not the kind I was expecting to wake up to.

Why was this happening? Terry Francona isn’t stupid; we always talk about how he’s a good coach. Yet Francona brought in Eric Gagne in the 11^th inning with guys like Jon Lester and Javier Lopez staying cold in the bullpen. Granted both Lester and Lopez stunk, but they were brought in with inherited runners and against Indians who had momentum up the wahoo.

Gagne had less chance to succeed than the god-awful looking movie The Comebacks. First, he had pitched last night against the same first two batters he was facing last night. Why would we give them a pitcher they had just seen? Second, he had throw 25 pitches the night before, allowing a hit and walking two. Thirdly, what has he done for us this season? Not much besides allowing runs in 7 of 20 appearances and sporting a 6.75 ERA and a WHIP over 1.8. He sucks. The end.

Meanwhile, I remember the pangs of this mistake in the past. On September 18, the Red Sox, or should I say Eric Gagne, blew a game to Toronto, during the pennant chase. After the game, Francona defended his decision to bring in Gagne (who let up walk, single, walk, walk, double in the loss) over Papelbon by saying that he had to find out if he could trust Gagne in the end of the season. Don’t believe me? Check it out.

So who is to blame? Gagne doesn’t just blow games now, he blows, period. For Francona it’s a “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” situation. I don’t know who sucked more.

However, I am a solutions-oriented guy, so lets finish vomiting, rinse with mouthwash and move on. Besides hoping that momentum hasn’t completely shifted in the series, the Red Sox can only make one logical move. Thanks to a new rule this year, teams can remove a player from its roster and replace him. The caveat is that the replaced player may not return for the next series, if the team moves on. With that said, goodbye Gagne, welcome back Bryan Corey.

The easiest way to avoid a late night mistake is by removing the problematic person from your cell phone contact list. In the case of the Red Sox, its about time to erase Gagne.

(Photo courtesy of CBSSportsline)

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Well, I finally did it. I had a great feeling about last week and my picks came through, I just really wish i had put some real cash down…stupid Congress and their stupid legislation.

I finished Week 5 at 11-3, raising my season record to 21-15-3, a much needed improvement.

I usually wait until Friday to make my picks, but some of the early lines for Sunday were too enticing to pass up, I want to jump on them before they move. Now that I have a winning record I feel like I can also provide some insight into my decisions…you know, to spread the knowledge.

CHIEFS (+3) over Bengals

I would love to say that this will be the week that Larry Johnson shows up, seeing that they’re playing against a terrible run defense and all, but he is not the same runner he was last year. Still, I think that he improves on his 55 yards per game this week. The one thing the Chiefs do well is defend the pass, and the Bungles might be rusty coming off a bye…I’m going with an upset.

JAGUARS (-6.5) over Texans

No great insight here, I just like the fact that Maurice Jones-Drew woke up last week and the fact that Andre Johnson is still hurt.

BROWNS (-4.5) over Dolphins

The whole Trent Green thing could prove to be a spark for Miami, but they just aren’t that good and don’t seem to care too much. Plus, I picked up Derek Anderson on my fantasy team (who, as the CBS announcers informed us Saturday, is called “DA” by his teammates…the creativity astounds me) so I’m looking for some STAAATS.

Vikings (+5.5) over BEARS

This game is going to be so ugly. I’m taking the Viks because I can’t see one team winning this one by a touchdown, it will almost surely come down to a missed field goal or a safety. Not going to be pretty, something like Bears 18 Vikings 13.

Eagles (-3) over JETS

With Brian Westbrook returning to Philly’s offensive attack I don’t see the Eagles scoring less than 20, and I’ll take Donovan McNabb over Chad Pennington anytime.

Rams (+9.5) over RAVENS

I have been picking the underdog Rams every week and every week they let me down. I know that the week change it up they will come up big. Not this week. Not on my watch.

Titans (+3) over BUCS

Vince Young just wins football games. So what if he throws more picks than touchdowns? He is 9-2 in his last 11 games. Combine Young with a Titan’s defense that has allowed less than 15 points per game facing a depleted Tampa Bay backfield and you have an easy road win.

PACKERS (-3) over Redskins

The Pack are a couple Favre interceptions away from having a perfect record, and look to be one of the most balanced teams in football, but Washington has only allowed 2 touchdowns through the air this season. It will be up to #4 to rally his squad and bounce back from last Sunday night’s loss to the Bears. I like the Packers by a touchdown because they’re in at Lambeau, but I think they may be a little worse than everyone thinks while the ‘Skins are probably underrated. Watch out.

CARDINALS (-4) over Panthers

It is very possible that the combined age of the starting quarterbacks in this one will be 80. Even if Vinny Testaverde doesn’t see any time against Kurt Warner, it is still hilarious that both of these guys have jobs. Seriously, the Pat’s backup Matt Cassel could start for either of these teams, and probably a handful of others in the league (try San Fran, Atlanta, Minnesota and Miami). Shouldn’t we be getting a 2nd round pick for him, because if Brady goes down we’re screwed anyway. Oh, I almost forgot, analysis! The Cards have a better quarterback, better offense, better defense and are at home. They’ll win easily.

Patriots (-5) over COWBOYS

For the record this game was an even pickem in Tuesday morning’s globe. I knew it wouldn’t stay that way for long after Romo’s debacle Monday night, I just didn’t think it would jump 5 points. Fact is, I would be taking Brady and co. at -13.5. I know the Cowboys have a good defense and some serious play makers, but Dallas exposed themselves against the Bills and nobody is better at analyzing film and exploiting weaknesses than Bill Belichick.

CHARGERS (-9.5) over Raiders

By routing the Broncos in Mile High San Diego took themselves out of the New Orleans Saints category and got some of their swagger back. While I hate how big this line is (I would love it at 6.5) I still have to go with the Chargers in another statement game. I don’t like picking favorites with big spreads in a division game, but Oakland has allowed 25 points per game this season, and I don’t see why Tomlinson and friends won’t put up a 30 spot.

SEAHAWKS (-6.5) over Saints

Speaking of the hapless helpless Deuceless Saints, they’re playing on NBC’s Sunday night game in the loudest stadium in professional sports. AND ONLY 6.5 POINT DOGS! I guarantee this will be 8 by kickoff (thats why I’m picking on Wednesday). This won’t be a rout because the ‘Hawks aren’t all that incredible, but c’mon, the Saints have allowed twice as many points per game than Seattle, which brings a healthy Shaun Alexander to the table. ‘Hawks 28 Saints 13.

Giants (-3.5) over FALCONS

Now for the Monday nighter. ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd has a great way of picking games that he doesn’t have an immediate gut reaction on. He looks at what he calls the 2 most important stats in football: turnover ratio and 3rd down conversions.

Atlanta enters the game with a +2 giveaway/takeaway ratio, while New York is at -1. Atlanta has converted 42.1% of 3rd downs, while New York is better at 44.6%.

What does this tell us? I have no idea. I like the Giants by a touchdown in a wacky one. As we saw on the last installment of Monday Night Football, weird things happen when the sun goes down.

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by Josh Bard. special to BostonMikeWorld.

Where I watched: My Apartment in DC

Who I watched with: My friends Scott and Linda

1) Mr. College Should Have Quit While He Was Ahead

Look, I like Matt Leinart as much as the next heterosexual guy does. He’s suave, he’s athletic, he lives in Arizona, he’s insanely rich, and chicks seem to dig him (even without the long ball). I even admire his presumed dance skills, since he stayed a fifth year at USC to play football and took only one class: ballroom dancing.

But Matt Leinart should have found some way to stay in school. I’ve been to college for four years and I know there are many many ways to break rules, and I never had an Athletic Director watching my back. His professional career, albeit only 17 games, has been a dud. Here’s what Leinart has done so far: 16 INTs and 13 TDs, split time with Kurt Warner, had one baby out of wedlock and got a good tan. Basically he is half a job, a USC degree, and one kid short of being Kevin Federline.

Once considered a top three pick in a class with Reggie Bush and Vince Young, Leinart has fallen to the back of the pack. I have to imagine he has a lot of regret and a good deal of self-disappointment (about equal to the self-disappointment of someone who works in sports television, yet is watching The Hills while both Monday Night Football and the Indians/Yankees games are on, while writing an article that will be read by more than one and less than three people).

Besides immediate and drastic improvement, there aren’t many other options for Leinart’s return from injury. Without that, we won’t forget how our expectations went unmet. Maybe Leinart was doomed because he absolutely owned the entire collegiate landscape like no one of our generation has. But for sho, Leinart’s NFL life, like his last season at SoCal, has fallen short of all expectations. Maybe if this whole football thing doesn’t work out he can win his championship on Dancing With the Stars.

2) Trent Green vs. Travis Johnson: Everyone is wrong

There are really more than two sides to this argument.

Side one: Trent Green took a cheap shot at Travis Jackson’s knees that was not totally legal. He could have ended Travis Jackson’s career. The concussion was his own fault and he should have known better, than to lead with his head.

Side two: Trent Green has always been a classy guy who made a bad decision in a tight spot that was in no way malicious or deliberate. Sure it was a cheap shot, but he’s a quarterback and blocking isn’t his forte. In fact the play was busted and he was not supposed to be blocking anyway. Travis Jackson is overreacting because not only is he fine, but he could see Trent Green was still down. Then after the game, hours after the incident, the classless Travis Jackson had no need to curse out Green after the game (in one of the funniest locker room clips recently).

Side willing to consider both sides: Trent Green probably didn’t mean to take that shot but either way, it was not cool and he could have ended Jackson’s career. He did not end another man’s career and may have actually ended his own. This is his second serious concussion in two years and he is as young as he is concussion prone. Travis Jackson should have been upset in the heat of the moment with his emotions taking over after a scare.

There are many vague pieces of this puzzle and they can be fit together in many ways. It was a scary play. It could have caused two seasons to end; and may have caused one. It’s an interesting case that could go to the NFL Behavior Supreme Court with debacles like the Tuck Rule and touchdown celebrations, but for sho, neither man took the higher ground and neither is completely correct.

3) The Underrated Colts

I am not saying that the Colts are underrated because I am sick of hearing how great they are individually. They are underrated though in that their offensive line gets little to no credit for their success.

First, these 300 pounders are defending Indianapolis’ crown jewels in Peyton’s limbs. Peyton doesn’t get sacked often and has started in all 149 games of his career, he never gets hurt. The only commercials he doesn’t have the credibility to do are for unemployment, hazard pay, and health insurance.

Meanwhile, this offensive line can set up runs for anyone. Last year Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes shredded opponents on the ground, and this year Addai has spotlighted as one of the top feature backs in the league. In his three and a half games this year, Addai has five rushing touchdowns and over four hundred yards.

This week with Addai sidelined, Kenton Keith stepped in and stepped up, thanks to his faithful steed of Colt linemen. Kenton had 121 yard and two touchdowns against a solid defense. They could plug Heather Mills in the backfield and she could hop off for 20 yard gains. Everyone knows Manning, Wayne, Harrison, and Addai, but please try to name one offensive lineman for the Colts. For sho you cant, and for sho we should start recognizing why the Colts really are so good.

4) Mid-Season Rule Change!!

Complaints about the NFL are like those big dark bagel chips in ChexMix; there are way too many of them and no one likes them. But four out of five dentists agree that this whole “calling a timeout one second before the snap of a game-winning field goal” thing has got to go.

This isn’t the first year we’ve experience it, but it’s finally come into its own. In week two it was the elder Mike Shanahan pulling one over on newbie-coach Lane Kiffin. Then in week three Kiffin turned and Punk’d the Cleveland Browns with the same trick. Last night, the Bills Dick Jauron tried it on for size but Nick Folk prevailed, smoking the first and second kicks through the posts leading to a super-sized Cowboys celebration.

I’m sure it won’t stop being used, because it is a good coaching decision. Why not make the guy make the kick a second time? Teams can then oppose a tired kicker’s leg and heightened kicker’s nerves. We don’t need to change the rules by a lot; icing the kicker has always been legit. The rule should be that once the kicking team sets the line, all timeouts are invalid. If you wanna ice him, than ice his ass… just do it before the line sets. This is getting out of hand.

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After battling through a summer of sub-par television that featured down seasons from Entourage and Rescue Me I was PUMPED for the new fall season. With the exception of Big Love, which really came into its own in season 2, I didn’t have a show to get excited for since Age of Love and Inferno 3 ended in the beginning of the summer.

This year there were a few new shows that I was eager to try out, along with a few old favorites that I was looking forward to. While I didn’t actually watch a few of the shows that I am about to grade, I still have a strong opinion on them (the beauty of writing for your own site is that you don’t necessarily have to be credible).

The Office: A+

Just when you thought the show had hit it’s peak (the “tipping point” as Malcom Gladwell would contend), The Office counters with a tremendous premiere. The first episode of season 4 started with a bang (or, more appropriately, a thud) and was followed by 59 minutes of hilarity (the first half of the program was especially funny).

Jim and Pam are finally together, which could potentially be disastrous for the show (see Moonlighting) since the humor is always better from sexual tension than romantic bliss, but for some reason I think these guys will be able to pull it off. The strength of The Office remains the incredible characters, as I was discussing with my mother, a huge fan of the show. We agreed that it is nearly impossible to pick a favorite character. We both agree that Michael carries the show, but that Stanley, Phyllis and Kevin may be the funniest in their lesser roles. I personally think Jim is the man, but have to give the nod of my favorite to Dwight…but, wait, then there’s Creed. I just can’t decide, the cast is as deep as the ‘86 Celtics and as ridiculous as the ‘06 Celtics, and I hope it never reaches it’s tipping point.

Dirty Sexy Money: B

The latest dark dramedy from ABC held a special place in my heart before it even premiered, since it stars Peter Krause, who played Casey McCall on Sports Night (right, my favorite non-Sopranos TV show of all-time).

Dirty Sexy Money features Krause as the new family lawyer to the Tripps (think the Kennedys plus the Hiltons) after his father (the family’s previous attorney/adviser) is killed in a mysterious plane crash. The show is pretty entertaining and well cast, with Samaire Armstrong of OC and Entourage fame as a pleasant surprise in the Paris Hilton knock-off role (and I think we finally found a role for Billy Baldwin, as the brother with issues of a rich family). Natalie Zea as the oft divorced daughter is great, and gorgeous, I have no idea why I’ve never seen her in anything before.

My biggest knock on the show is that its too obvious. It is marketed to an older, more sophisticated crowd, but then lays the story out at a 3rd grade viewing level. My prediction is that it suffers from being on network TV. I doubt the ABC brass will let it be dirty or sexy enough to live up to the title, FX would probably be a better home for the show. Not really sure which direction they plan on taking this, but because of Krause I’ll keep watching.

Big Shots: B-

The “Desperate Housewives for men” centers around four CEOs who golf and talk about their problems. One of the guys’ wife cheated on him, another is cheating on his, another is his wife’s bitch and the 4th is single but is about to be exposed for an encounter with a transvestite prostitute.

What I like about it: It’s slick and gives me something to aspire to. Also, one of the stars is Joshua Malina, another graduate of Sports Night.

What I don’t: The same thing I didn’t like about the network’s female counterpart; the show isn’t funny enough to be a comedy or dramatic enough to be a drama. I’ll give it a few weeks, but I’m certainly not married to it.

The highlight of the show is Paige Turco as Dylan McDermott’s ex-wife. Yes, the same Paige Turco that played April O’Neill in the 2nd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie (”The Secret of the Ooze”, for those of you scoring at home). Turco is a Springfield, MA native who just turned 42. I am so bummed that she wasn’t one of the cougars on Age of Love, she would have beaten Amanda easily.

Law & Order SVU: C-

It used to be one of my favorites, but sadly it has jumped the shark. They are reusing story lines, getting more and more unrealistic, and in the premiere they blatantly ripped off Primal Fear, with the ugly one from Sex and the City playing Ed Norton’s role. Detectives Benson and Stabler don’t work together enough, which is a shame because their dynamic was the backbone of the show. Watch this show the same way you watch Clemens and the Yankees Sunday night…they probably won’t be around much longer.

Private Practice: D

This show would get an F if Kate Walsh weren’t so hot. Next week she turns 40 and can join the Paige Turco club.

Cavemen: D-

I’d rather see the Gecko get 30 minutes a week.

MTV: F

For not having a Real World/Road Rules Challenge this fall. Really? Really??? What, was CT busy? Tonya couldn’t get any time off from Mons Venus? Derrick got a real job?

C’mon MTV, deliver the goods.

NFL Picks: Week 5

I took a week off from picking to collect my thoughts. I feel good about this week though, lets see if I can get on a winning streak.

PATRIOTS -16.5 over Browns
RAMS +3.5 over Cardinals
49ERS +3.5 over Ravens
Bears +3 over PACKERS
TEXANS -5 over Dolphins
Jaguars -2 over CHIEFS
Panthers +3 over SAINTS
GIANTS -3.5 over JETS
STEELERS -6 over Seahawks
Falcons +8 over TITANS
Lions +3.5 over REDSKINS
Bucs +9 over COLTS
Chargers -1 over BRONCOS
BILLS +10 over Cowboys

Last Week: Bye
Season: 10-12-3

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