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As you know I am always trying to put new, original content on this blog. I am aware there are tons of similar sites out there, with more resources and readership than SportsFanParadise. I don’t expect people to delete Deadspin and Barstool Sports from their bookmarks in favor of our blog, for now at least. And I know that I am not Bill Simmons, I am a part-time blogger and full-time business development specialist, at least for now.

There is, however, something that I can offer that the Sports Guy can’t. I’m completely willing to humiliate myself and go the extra mile so that a few readers can have a laugh.

It is with this mentality that I introduce a new recurring segment here on SFP, which we’ll tentatively call Mike Tries Internet Dating. Please email us at sportsfanparadise@gmail.com if you can come up with a better title.

The motivation for this idea is three fold. First of all, I am and always have been interested in social experiments. I think its very interesting to explore an intriguing area of society, and I for one am intrigued by people who fall in love with help from the internet. Secondly, I am 24 years old, single, employed and living in a metropolitan area; if I’m ever going to try my hand at excessive dating now is the time. Thirdly, I’ve been trying to think of a way this experience won’t be hilarious, and I just can’t. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride…

(Disclaimer: I will be posting disclaimers from time to time.)

(Disclaimer: I will be writing these columns day-to-day as I go through the process. I may go back later and edit them, which may create conflicting tenses, but I’m sure you can handle it.)
Step 1: Choosing a site

The first decision I need to make is which dating site to use. I want this to be as legit as possible, so I’m thinking that my two options are Match.com and eHarmony.com, the top two rated websites for this type of thing. One of my friends suggested that I just put up craigslist personals, but I quickly nixed that idea. I want this to be socially relevant, not creepy.

Match.com seems popular enough, but when I did some research I realized that it is basically just Facebook, but for $16.99 a month. Users are able to browse through pictures and profiles and send messages to people that they like, as my inside source describes it: “an online meat market.” The same inside source said that she knew people who had a lot of success on eHarmony, and sold me on the fact that it was the most in-depth and credible option. Instead of users just clicking on pictures of people they are attracted to and sending MySpace-esque pick-up messages, eHarmony actually matches you up with people. The process begins with filling out a 15-page online survey/personality profile. Once they can gauge what type of person you and are what you’re looking for they begin sending you matches. It is up to you and the match to begin communication, which starts with a 4-stage process where you ask each other multiple choice questions chosen from a list, as well as sharing your “must haves” and “can’t stands.” I’m serious. Once that process is complete you can begin “open communication,” which I suppose is like emailing or something…I guess I’ll find out when I get there.

The one catch: an account on eHarmony costs $59.99 a month. Now, I know what you’re thinking, this is way too much to pay for a gag. But when you think about it, $60 is a cheap night on Boylston or a half hour at Zachary’s strip club down the Cape. Plus, if I meet my future wife or win an online Pulitzer, I’m pretty sure I won’t regret throwing a few Andy Jacksons at this 30-day experiment.

Step 2: Filling out my Personal Profile and Match Settings

Once I entered my billing information I was all set to begin the eHarmony experience. Here we go. After I filled out the page with all my personal info (height, salary, ethnicity, etc.), it informed me that I had completed only 7% of the survey. The next 14 pages included mostly rating systems on a scale of 1-7, where 1 usually meant “never or not at all” and 7 meant “always or very much so.”

I first had to rank myself in 6 categories: Well Groomed, Athletic, Handsome, Fit, Sexy and Overweight. I am filling this out in my living room with roommates Andy and Slim Charles while watching the Celts game, so I asked them for some help. Andy didn’t think I was well-groomed, but we decided that he took that to mean “well-dressed” or something, while I think its asking whether or not I shower. Anyway I gave myself a 7. I also gave myself a 7 for Handsome, mainly because I wanted to give myself a 6 for Athleticism, and I am much better at getting girls than I am at sports. A 6 for Fit and a 1 for Overweight was the least I could do to make myself think the Boston Sports Club membership is paying off, and a 6 for Sexy just because I couldn’t, in my right mind, say that I am as sexy as the scale allows. They didn’t ask me to rank my modesty, but if they did I would guess it would be around a 2.

(Note: I am 99% sure that the girls will not see how I rated myself. Hopefully by giving myself high numbers I will influence the computer to give me some 6’s for Sexy and some 1’s for Overweight)

The next page is giving me some trouble (it will be the hardest of the 15 to fill out). They are now asking me to check off the races that I am comfortable being set up with. Now, I typically tend to date women of Caucasian decent, but that doesn’t mean that I am not open-minded, it just sort of works out that way. I guess I would like most of my matches to be white, but I don’t want to shut the door on some gorgeous black girl or a hot Asian. So I checked everything, except two, Arab and Indian (dot, not the feather, I’m totally down with finding a Pocahontas).

I know, I’m an asshole. Here’s the thing though, I’m not saying that every Arab is a terrorist, because of course they’re not. And I’m pretty freaking sure that terrorists don’t use eHarmony, but what if I get set up with a girl who has a terrorist in her family? Ever think of that? Or worse, what if I get with one of those Taliban girls whose father kills her because she shamed the family by hooking up with a Western guy? I can’t have that on my conscience. So Arabs are out. As for Indians…it’s pretty simple: never been a big fan of the food, culturally they don’t shower as much as they should, and I’ll be damned if my kid has 2 faces or 6 arms or bark instead of skin. So Indians are out…again, I apologize. Realistically though, joining eHarmony has to be the whitest thing anyone can do. I doubt this will be much of a melting pot.

The next section asked me to choose 4 adjectives that my friends would use to describe me. Andy was there, so I let him make the call. He picked loyal, funny, outgoing and genuine (but with the stipulation that I am not always genuine to girls that I am trying to hook up with, just genuine to my friends). Since I am posting an honest account of this experience on the internet I think that makes me pretty damn genuine. I’m leaving it on there.

The next 7 or 8 pages were more of less the same, ranking qualities and characteristics on levels of importance. I said that it was important to me that my match not smoke, and that I would prefer someone who drinks 1-2 times a week (I don’t want to be set up with a lush, but me and a girl who never drinks probably won’t get along too well). When it comes to height and education I think like Sebastian Telfair; neither are very important to me. I’m only 5′8 so I would rather not date girls much taller than me, but if they’re hot I really don’t care. (Note: I put down 5′9 in my info. Sue me). I would like a match that went to college, but again, if she is really hot all she needs is a GED.

The last filter setting I needed to decide on was age. While I’m not 100% against dating 18- or 19- year old girls, I decided that for the purposes of going to bars and ordering my date drinks without breaking state laws I would make the floor 21 years old. As for the ceiling age, that is up for serious debate. I have never dated anyone over the age of 33, but like most things in life I’m not vehemently against it. I decided that, for the purposes of this social experiment, I will cap my match results at 29-years-old. No need to turn this into an episode of Age of Love…that was so last summer.

OK…just 1 section to go…I haven’t concentrated this hard on something since the 2nd time I took the SATs. The last thing I need to do is to write what I am passionate about in 600 characters or less. I feel like this is the make or break part of the questionnaire since it is the first thing that my matches will read about me.

I was thinking about writing a cheesy paragraph about my goals and shit, and then I realized that if I didn’t get at least a little creative with it I wouldn’t stand out. So I just started writing down things that I enjoy, and this was the final product:

“Life, good times with my friends and family, sports, good weather, the Sox, the Pats, the Celts, barbecuing, politics, good movies, bad reality TV, not growing up so fast, sex, wiffleball, LOST, The Wire, my part-time job, the softball team for my full-time job, my blog, calling it “beirut” and not “beerpong”, good food, dancing, cooking, the beach, stand-up comedy, Italy, meeting new people, the weekend, porn, Bruce concerts, playing golf, sandwiches, US Weekly, tailgating, when you’re at a bar and that song that really pumps you up comes on, and cute girls with braided pigtails and Red Sox hats.”

I think that pretty much sums me up. I may need to edit this depending on the level of success I have early on, like if for some reason girls don’t want to date someone who admits to liking porn in an eHarmony profile. But I told myself that if I was going to do this I would do it with 100% honesty, at least at the beginning, and Day 1 is too soon to go back on that…so porn stays in there.

Step 3: Wait

There is nothing else I can do tonight. My orientation message told me to be patient, but that I could have matches sent to me as soon as tomorrow. This could either be a disaster or maybe, sing it with me…this will be, an everlasting love…

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Thursday May 29th 2008 (Day 2)

Today was a typical morning: hit the snooze a few too many times, took a quick shower, put on semi-wrinkled pants and a shirt-and-tie combo that stealthily covered a burrito stain on the shirt, and checked Eddie Money Ball’s performance the night before.

(Note: I know nobody except the 9 guys getting their asses handed to them cares about this, but I am absolutely dominating my fantasy baseball league. I drafted Josh Hamilton much earlier than everyone had him ranked, which was my proudest move until I fleeced my buddy Travis by sending him BJ Upton and a hot Xavier Nady for a slumping Ryan Howard and an injured Alfonso Soriano. Since the trade Howard and Soriano have a combined .500 average with something like 80 home runs and 1,000 RBIs. A Zambrano led all-NL staff, solid bullpen, and the 2nd most speed in the league. I have never had a team this well-rounded. I know, I’ll stop, but I had to publicize this, and its much better that I did it in a quick paragraph as opposed to an entire column devoted to my fantasy baseball prowess).

After making sure my squad was still ahead by 20 points in the standings I checked my Gmail account. Sure enough, I had 9 messages from eHarmony. The first one was to congratulate me on taking the important first steps on my journey towards finding my soul mate, while the next 8 were to tell me that I had a match. Apparently the eComputer thinks that these 8 women are the best matches for me (with the stipulation that they don’t smoke, drink at least once a week and are between the ages of 21-29). I didn’t have time to look at their profiles without being late for work, so it would have to be done in the office.

As I stood in the crowded Red Line T car I couldn’t help but think that there was a chance that one of the 8 lucky ladies was on the T with me. What if she already checked out my picture and knows I’m one of her matches? Can people tell by looking at me that I’m on eHarmony?? Am I all of a sudden subconsciously giving off the vibe that I am the kind of creep who would use an online dating service??? Full of paranoia I got off the T at South Station and made a beeline for my office building.

It’s 8:52. Even though I’ve only been in the office for 23 minutes I decided that its a good time to take my first break of the day. I gathered a few of my coworkers as witnesses as I reveal my 8 matches. In the next days and weeks I will be calling on these guys, as well as my roommates, to help me decide on whether or not I should contact a girl. The crew at work consists of Troy who sits to my left (21, lives with his girlfriend and 8-month-old daughter), Jesse to my right (27, lives with his wife), and Ty in the cubicle across from me (24, single, lives with his buddies and goes out hard every weekend). While I didn’t necessarily assemble a crack team of sociological advisers, these morons do cover a wide spectrum when it comes to relationships.

They all agreed to take a 5-of-9 break too, and we huddled around my computer and analyzed my Day-1 results.

Lets just say it wasn’t pretty. Or thin.

(Disclaimer: I want to give a quick overview of how it works once you are matched with someone. Basically, you and the match each receive notification and can look at each others profiles. Then we have 3 options. The first is to send them “1st Step” questions, which are 5 general multiple choice questions. Mine mostly focus on what kind of date someone would enjoy and what they do for fun. If you think the person is hideous or you know you won’t be interested in them, you can exercise the 2nd option, “closing the relationship.” This is basically a way of telling someone that they suck. When closing you can check off a reason from a list of about 10. I decided that for the purposes of not being a complete asshole I would just check “other” when closing someone. The third option is to just wait and see what the other person does).

Of the 8 matches, 2 of them sent me 1st step communication. One of them was listed as 26 but looked like an old 36, and the other looked like John Kruk. Not a great beginning. If instead of internet dating I was trying my hand at pitching, this would be like drilling the first batter and giving up a homer to the 2nd guy.

The other 6, with the exception of Michele from Boston, were not…how should I say this…lookers. If they went to see a live taping of the Tonight Show they would probably be put in the balcony. One had the worst teeth I have ever seen on a non-Englishman, another had a left eye that was about 3 times the size of the right one, and the other 4 looked like they could round out the offensive line for the Ithaca College Bombers. And when I say “offensive” I mean it…these girls were offensive.

Michele was by far the prettiest of the bunch, but I suppose thats like saying that Blanche was by far the hottest Golden Girl. She has a larger than average nose, says shes 5′8”, and didn’t post pictures showing anything below her shoulders (I will come to recognize this as a red flag).

I “closed” the 6 ugliest girls, sent Michele 1st step questions, and chose answers for the one who looked like she was right on the heels of 40 (we’ll call her a MIWLF). The questions I sent to Michele were pretty standard, what she liked to do on her free time, which dates sounded like the most fun to her, etc. She probably isn’t anyone I would want to go out with, but when you’re involved in a social experiment you need to do things for the sake of science, which is why I answered the MIWLF’s questions as honestly as possible. The final thing I needed to accomplish during the break from work (after all its 9:15, and instead of just slacking off by myself I’m bring 20% of the sales floor down with me) is send the MIWLF 5 multiple choice questions of my own. As my eHarmony experience continues I will get lazy and just send the same 5 initial questions that I sent Michele, but for this one I decided to get creative. The guys all threw in suggestions, and the final list looked like this:

1. How do you feel about premarital sex?
2. How often do you exercise?
3. If I had a bad day what would you do for me?
4. How do your romantic relationships end?
5. What do you think about “soul mates”? (Ty insisted on that one)

We were satisfied that the questions ran the gamut of hilarity and awkwardness. Hopefully we’ll get some interesting answers at least.

All said, I am going to score Day 2 of the eHarmony experiment as a push. I didn’t come across any 10s (not even two 5s), but I did learn about how to close matches and send questions. Its probably better that I wasn’t matched with any cuties on the first day, this crop can be my guinea pigs. Lets just hope that tomorrow’s matches are less pig.

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Friday May 30th 2008 (Day 3)

I woke up this morning to 8 new matches, and I have to say we’re getting a little bit better. Still not great, but better. I had some actual work to do when I first go to the office, so it wasn’t until 10:30 that I was able to assemble the Casanova Squad and dissect the new talent.

Heres how it broke down:

-Asian girl who only drinks a few times a year…sorry, thats not gonna cut it. Closed.

-Pretty girl, but shes 5′10 and I’m an exaggerated 5′9. Closed.

-Ugly girl and shes 5′11…maybe if I were a WNBA enthusiast. I’m not. Closed.

-Katie from Braintree…kinda cute in a Calista Flockhart sort of way. I sent her 1st round questions.

-Jenny from Arlington…really cute in a “my friends signed me up for this but I can date whoever I want” sort of way. Shes still definitely getting 1st rounders.

-Marcie from Brighton…mischievously cute with a look like she is totally down for doing a thing or two. She is getting the questions ASAP.

-Black girl…nice smile but it looks like she could be on the big side. She actually sent me the preliminary questions before I got the chance. Normally this would be an automatic Close Match, but I feel like I should give this one a chance. I have seen absolutely no diversity on this site so far, so for the sake of the experiment I think its time to take a risk.

-Erin from Boston…Remember the girl from Silence of the Lambs that Buffalo Bill kidnaps and keeps in the pit? Yeah this has gotta be her sister. And guess what? SHE CLOSED ME! I mean, seriously, WTF??? Aren’t I a catch?

I’m not prepared to say that eHarmony delivered the goods, but they certainly improved on yesterdays morose collection of cyberchicks.

In addition to the few cute girls that I was matched with, as well as the questions sent to me from Big Brown, I got some 1st step answers from the MIWLF. She gave pretty generic responses, nothing interesting enough to make up for the way she looked, but since this was my guinea pig I had to see it through, and I sent her my “Must Haves” and “Can’t Stands.”

(Tangent: While I’m here let me vent for a minute. This part is by far the most retarded of the whole process. The “Must Haves” are things like chemistry, sense of humor and hygiene, which is shit that everyone obviously wants in a relationship. Those aren’t half as funny as the “Can’t Stands” though. Let me name off a few of the options to check off for something that you can’t stand about a match: lying, cheap, rude, poor hygiene, cheating, excessively overweight, self-centered, depressed, mean-spirited, intolerant, angry, lazy, in denial, victim mentality, boorishness, gambling, drugs, racist…you get the point. And theres like 20 more options, but they only let you check 10! I’ll probably be the guy that gets matched with self-centered racist just because those two negative qualities weren’t top priority.)

By the time I got home from work I had received replies from both the MIWLF and Big Brown. It was time to send them the “2nd round questions.” In this section I needed to come up with 3 of my own. I decided to send Big Brown the questions that I will most likely send to any other girl who gets to this step, and then let my roommates (who have now gathered in the living room and started pregaming) decide on the questions for the MIWLF.

My questions were:
1) What do you order at an open bar?
2) If you could only have 1 book, 1 movie and 1 album to last you an entire year, what would they be?
3) Why did you join eHarmony?

My roommates questions were:
1) Why would you have to use a dating site?
2) Do you watch Lost?
3) Do you like Santana?

I asked them about their reasoning for #3 and they said that it is the easiest way to find out of she smokes pot or not without coming right out and asking. I’m not the expert so I went with it.

Since it’s Friday night, and despite what you may think I have not become a complete loser, I decided to give eHarmony a break until Monday. It would give me some time to recharge my batteries (keeping up with 8 new matches a day isn’t easy, this is like Big Love) and to stockpile 3 days worth of matches to keep me occupied at work on Monday.

Saturday May 31st 2008 (Day 4)

You know how people say “friends don’t let friends drive drunk?” Yeah, well there should also be bumper stickers that say “Friends don’t let friends eHarmonize when they have been drinking all night and are three-quarters in the bag.”

I can’t give very specific commentary as to what transpired in the early morning hours, but I woke up at noon with the nagging feeling that I should check my computer. Sure enough, I had an email waiting for me from Big Brown:

“congrats on being the first guy on here that i’m actually excited to meet. i never knew that loving the Wire and Lost would ever get me a date lol! soooo…brunch on sunday sounds good. theres a place right by my apartment that has a great brunch…i think its supposed to be nice out so we can probly sit outside. my number is 443-***-****…let me know what time you want to meet!”
-B

Sing it with me…“this will be, an everlasting love…”

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Sunday June 1st 2008: Date #1

On most Sunday mornings I don’t function well enough to pour a glass of water, let alone go on a first date. When my alarm went off at 10:30 I seriously considered calling Big Brown and canceling brunch, but I was still a little buzzed and decided to just go with it. I’m thinking of this date like the first time you play golf in the spring. I’m not really looking to score very well, but it’ll be good to swing the clubs and get the kinks out before any important rounds later in the season.

After a quick shower I headed over to the North End, since apparently we agreed to meet at the Living Room on Atlantic Ave. Not sure if you’ve ever driven to the area, but finding a parking space in the North End is harder than finding a virgin at a UMass sorority. I had to settle on a hourly lot and walked up to the restaurant at about 5 after 11…already late and in the hole $15.

I was expecting the worst but hoping for, well, not the worst. I called BB when I got there and she said she was already inside. Here goes nothing.

Lets first focus on the positives, Big Brown turned out to be a very nice girl. She was sweet, polite, and had a warm smile. That said, at 11:00 on a Sunday morning I wasn’t really prepared to share a meal with Monique. Looking back, I should have expected this. She didn’t look fat in her pictures, but there weren’t really any full-body shots in there either. They were all taken at awkward angles, like the way they filmed Jennie Garth when she was pregnant during season 87 of 90210. She wasn’t the fattest girl I have ever seen in my life, but if you were to combine the weight of the two largest girls I’ve ever been on a date with I’m going to say BB has them covered.

We shared an awkward hug and said that it was nice to meet each other. The hostess asked us if we would rather sit inside or out. “Oh, its so nice out we should sit outside,” BB said. It was early and I was hungover, but I was still able to think on my feet. Atlantic Ave is a busy street, and I wasn’t really ready to put my new eRelationship on display for everyone who passed by, especially since theres a chance I could see someone I know. “Actually, I’ve never gotten to sit inside here, I’ve always stood, so why don’t we sit in here?” It was the best I could come up with but it worked, and we took our seats on some comfy couches inside.

The next 45 minutes didn’t go by as quickly as I would have liked, but they were very bearable, if not enjoyable. The worst part of the date came early, when I asked her where she worked. Her reply of “125 High St.” wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t happen to work at 121 High St. Not the coincidence I was looking for right off the bat, since I don’t think I want to turn this into lunch dates, and I certainly don’t want to never call her and then bump into her on the sidewalk. Not off to the best start, but its early.

Brunch doesn’t lend itself to lots of courses, so after she downed her pancakes and I did terrible things to a sausage, egg & cheese breakfast sandwich there was nothing left to do but talk (and throw back a cape codder or 3). I have to admit that the girl was pretty cool. She was a huge fan of both Lost and The Wire, so whenever there was an awkward silence I could just say “So, I can’t believe Locke is dead,” or “Who did you like more, Stringer or Avon?”

The problem with our conversation, which I can see being a problem if I continue to go out with girls I am matched with on eHarmony, was that she kept trying to take it a different direction than I intended. She asked what kind of family I came from, while I asked what she did the night before. She asked about my goals for the future, while I asked her which bars she liked in the area. I decided at about 11:35 that I would begin the process of informing this girl that I was probably not the compatible match she was hoping for, after all, she was 26 and admittedly looking for a relationship. I figured the easiest way to do this was to tell her that, at 24 years old, I went on spring break this past March.

All she could do was laugh. And laugh. Then she said something that I wasn’t expecting: “Thats hilarious! But you know what, thats great! You seem like a fun guy, I can’t wait to hang out again.” At this point (11:45 or so) I have already paid and we are still sitting and enjoy the comfy couches when BB asks if I want to go across the street and walk along the pier. I say that I would love to but that I really need to get to my softball game (which starts at 4:30). I say that I had a really nice time and that we should do it again some time. She reminds me that I have her number and I say I will give her a call next weekend. I won’t, but I have been a gentleman for the entire meal and I don’t want to be an asshole on the 18th green.

(Note: If by “gentleman” I meant that I scheduled a date with her via email when I was drunk, won’t call her again and will write about the experience on my blog, then yes, I was a gentleman.)

I survived Date #1. On the bright side I got a great breakfast sandwich, got to talk about my 2 favorite shows, and most importantly I didn’t see anybody I know. Ever the optimist, I’ll call it a success.

Tomorrow at work I will have 24 new matches to get to, one of which will be Date #2, and I won’t treat that one like a warm-up round.

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June 2nd, 2008: Day 6

(Note: Half of this was written on June 2nd, half later that week and it was edited a week after that. If you can’t handle a little mix of past and present tense then go read some English major’s blog)
I’m not going to lie to you, internet dating isn’t as easy as they make it out to be. Its downright taxing.

If my work load at my real job wasn’t enough to keep me occupied on a Monday morning, I have 24 ladies that I need to analyze. I decide that my love life needs to become a priority, and I have a half hour before my first conference call of the day, so I put aside selling environmental insurance and focus on eHarmonizing.

I told myself when the process began that I would never post pictures of the girls on the blog, since that would certainly cross the line. I will slightly break that rule today, but only because I’m not putting the picture up for the purposes of making fun of her.

That said, I have never been so tempted to just put up a picture of each girl I got matched with as I was today so you could just see what I’m working with here. I didn’t expect to sign up for an online dating site and immediately have smokeshows calling me and gorgeous girls ringing my doorbell, but I was expecting something a little bit better than this talent pool, especially after waiting 3 days for the matches to pile up.

I am not going to get into the specifics of exactly what is wrong with the majority of the matches, because I did that in Part 3 and there is no need to be redundant. Lets just say that of the 24 women, 20 of them were either 9-irons (good from about 120 yards away) or wouldn’t be able to fit in a grandstand seat at Fenway. I’m not kidding. Krista from Brookline looked like she got hit in the face with a bag of doorknobs. Only 4 of the 24 weren’t ugly, which means eHarmony is hitting about .167. Even Robinson Cano is hitting .225.

Of the handful that I didn’t immediately close, only one was worth the $59.95 a month: Jess, 24, South Boston. All it took was her display picture for me to know that I was going to like her. She had gorgeous blue eyes, a great smile, wearing a Sox hat and drinking a beer on Yawkey Way. I was sold.

I decided to scrap all other communication for the day and focus my attention on Jess. I sent her my first standard round questions even before I read her profile:

I like these because they’re casual. I don’t want to come across as some creep and ask the girls if they’re passionate or if they believe in soul mates. I’m just trying to buy a cute girl a drink, not looking to go ring shopping.

Time to check out this girl’s info…

Height: 5′3” (perfect)
Occupation: Senior Account - Private Wealth Firm (hmm…impressive)
Smokes: Never (good)
Drinks: Several times a week (atta girl)

So far so good. The chances are that this girl will never respond to my questions, but the fact that I have been matched with a seemingly total package has reinstalled my trust in eHarmony, despite their .167 batting average.

I needed to get to some work before I could continue to stalk Jess, and it wasn’t until 11 or so that I could sign back into my dating site. When I did, her answers were waiting for me. She said that she would strike out on her own and introduce herself to people if she went to a party with me (which is exactly what I would do, so we’re 1-for-1), her idea of a good adventure is singing karaoke (bet she has never seen me rock a Neil Diamond 3-fer), her perfect date is a professional sporting event (good thing we live in Title Town), and she loves to go to hole-in-the-wall restaurants with great food. I’m not going to say that I’m in love with this mystery girl, but I’m getting there.

Time to answer her questions. Thank God I got 5 no-brainers and didn’t have to over analyze this:

OK…that was easy enough. I quickly sent her my “Must Haves/Can’t Stands” (which I have decided are a complete formality and a joke) and can do nothing but sit back and wait.

(3 hours later…)

She must have a self-confident loyal guy with a sense of humor and can’t have a mean-spirited liar who uses drugs. I must have relaxed sociable girl with strong character and can’t have rude, self-centered girl who is excessively overweight. Like I said, we get it…everyone wants people with lots of good qualities and few bad qualities. Let us send an email already.

Time to answer her 2nd questions:

And to send mine:

Again, I have to sit back and wait. I’m usually a patient person but this is the first eHarmony communication with a match that I could actually see myself in public with, so excuse me for being a little energetic.

(7 hours later…)

I have settled into a good spot on our couch to watch the Sox-O’s game and decided to bring my laptop with me, partially to check my fantasy team and play Facebook Scrabulous but mostly to eHarmonize the shit out of Jess, 24, South Boston.

I signed on during the 2nd inning and had finally received her answers:

1. You’re at an open bar, what do you order?

Well that depends on my mood/occasion. I am an equal opportunity drinker and love beer, wine, hard alcohol- everything pretty much So maybe I would order a martini, margarita, glass of Reisling….not sure.

2. You’re on a desert island for a year and can only have 1 book, 1 movie and 1 album to last you for 365 days…what do you choose?

Interesting that this deserted island has a CD player and DVD player- but Ill go with it My album would be a Kenny Chesney CD- a mix of his greatest hits. Some of my favorite memories are of summers tailgating and going to his concerts with all my friends from my hometown. My book would be The Secret. My movie would probably be Good Will Hunting because I love that movie and it would remind me of home by having the all the shots of Boston.

3. Why are you on eHarmony?

Because I am not really the girl in my pictures- I am actually quite ugly and have a horrible time meeting guys. Just kidding haha. I am on here because I dont meet new people in my day to day life (I work with all women too which can get old) and I never take any of the guys I meet at a bar seriously so I figured this would be my best option to meet genuine guys.

Maybe my opinion is skewed because this girl had me at “sox hat” and “drinks several times a week,” but I was totally down with those answers. I enlist the help of Andy and Charles as I try and construct the perfect 1st email to send my new online crush. Lets just say that I refused to ask this girl whether or not she liked Santana, so they were no help.

I did my best to write a message that was both funny and laid back, asking her if she would like to get a drink with me sometime. I was happy with my finished product and sent it off into cyberspace, hoping for the best.

I know that this whole eHarmony thing was supposed to be a social experiment, but I can’t help but get a little excited to meet an attractive, cool girl who shares similar interests. After all, you never know…this could be, an everlasting love…

—————————————————————-

Jess Tries Internet Dating

Mike told me about his blog after our 1st date, I read it before our 2nd, and had sent the link to my friends by the 3rd. After our 6th date he finally convinced me that I needed to write my own post and provide a female perspective on the internet dating experience. Here, in my own words, is how I came to be Jess, 24, South Boston.

So why did I decide to try eHarmony?

To give you a little bit of my history first, I had been in relationships for the first 8 years of my eligible life and had never been single so I didn’t know where to start or how to actually “date” without it being a late-night booty call. I’ll admit that the idea of just being the “cat lady” crossed my mind, but my family and friends wouldn’t accept this - they said I had too much to offer to be alone.

So I tried to go to bars to meet people, and honestly, I was a little excited at the notion that I COULD give my number to cute guys that I met out. I have had a fake ID since I was 18, but a boyfriend since I was 15, so freedom at the bars was a new privilege to me. But I quickly realized that being single at bars wasn’t a privilege after all, and I started giving out my best friends numbers (or in extreme cases I would give out the New York Rejection Line…yeah I was cold sometimes…sorry).

After about 6 months of this I was discouraged and decided I was done dating for a while. So I decided to get a dog. I figured by getting a dog I wouldn’t become the “cat lady”, and statistically speaking people like dogs more than cats, so it’s a stepping stone. I also should mention that the dog that cost $1,400 was purchased for me by a guy I met at a bar who lives in Chicago. We had what amounted to a brief phone/email relationship, I only saw him 3 times, and never slept with him, but apparently he thought that buying me a puppy would get him laid (Yes- men are that stupid sometimes). I also started seeing two of my ex’s again (both conveniently named Mark) and would tell my friends and family that “Mark and I are trying to work things out.” This shut them up, but I knew full well that it was just a friends-with-benefits situation.

That worked until the holidays. The first time spending them alone sucked, and my family and friends could tell that it bothered me. They convinced me that for the new year I should start fresh. That meant to stop seeing the ex’s and the losers I met at bars, change my phone number…and join eHarmony.

I stopped seeing the guys, and changing my number was easy, but it took a few months of convincing for me to actually sign up for the service, but a couple months ago I finally took the plunge.

95% of the time I was on there I was thinking that this is ridiculous, retarded, doesn’t work, and is full of losers. The other 5% of the time was spent meeting a guy or two that I thought had potential, but quickly realizing that they either wanted to get married like yesterday or had severe cases of commitment-phobia.

Anyway, here are a few of the classics from my time on eHarmony:

Date #1:

Kevin from Stoneham is taking me to a Sox game, and I’m pretty excited. Call me naive.

My first warning sign should have been where he wanted to meet before the game. I can’t even remember the name of the bar, but it’s some hole in the wall like 15 blocks from Fenway that “doesn’t get crowded and has really cheap beers.” When I get there he is already working on his first beer and doesn’t offer to get me one. This sort of irritates me, but I’ve been around long enough to know that chivalry is dead, so I deal with it and buy my own drinks. The breaking point was at the game.

In the 3rd inning he returned from the bathroom with 2 beers. He handed me one, so I assumed that he bought it for me, and I started drinking it. Then he asked for it back. “I just needed you to hold it for a minute, it wasn’t for you,” he said. “I’m sorry, you’re a great girl and shit but no girl is worth an $8 beer.”

Yeah, I was done. I can handle buying myself beers, but telling me that I’m not worth $8 is just plain rude. I excused myself to use the bathroom and never went back. I left him there alone at the game in the 3rd inning and found a cab to take me home.

Date #2:

I get matched with this guy named Mark whose profile says he’s 6′4″, a corrections officer, and lives in Framingham. Based on height (and name) he sounds completely like my type, but the 2 pictures in his profile were taken from a distance, so I had no idea what he really looked like. Regardless, I agreed to a date and he picks me up to go to dinner in the North End. When he gets out of the car he is huge- I didn’t realize how tall 6′4″ really is when you’re only 5′3″. But he was also kind of wide, and to put it politely, genetically challenged (butt ugly). So I really wasn’t into him at all, but I stuck it out through dinner with the help of 4 glasses of wine. On the way home he started to tell me that he had ordered me flowers, but when he had gone to the florist to pick them up they had closed and he wasn’t able to bring them. He said he didn’t want to come empty handed so he had stopped to get me something else.

It’s bad enough that he thought he needed to bring me flowers, because there clearly isn’t going to be a second date, but now he has a gift for me??? He invited me to Red Sox game, so you can imagine how bad the date went for me to turn down Sox tickets. I drank enough wine at dinner just to get through it, so now I’m really buzzed, 10 feet from my door. I just want to go inside, pass out and end this. The last thing I want to do is put on some gracious thankful performance for this guy.

But no. It’s gift time.

And out comes a tube of Chap Stick. Yup- chap stick. Not even a regular Burt’s Bee’s type of chap stick- but a pastel purple tube with some Disney character princess on it. I think it’s a joke and start laughing, until he insists I put it on. I’m trying to be as good of a sport about this as possible so I open it and go to put it on, but not only was the outside purple- but the actual chap stick itself is purple AND has sparkles! He proceeds to tell me that “In your pictures you had such a great smile, so I thought I would get you Chap Stick to protect those gorgeous lips of yours”.

Oh yea, lucky me! I’m sitting here in the car with Shrek putting on Cinderella purple sparkly Chap Stick- waiting at any point for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’m on an episode of Punk’d. But that doesn’t happen.

That was enough to keep me off eHarmony for a few weeks.

Until Date #3:

I get matched with this guy named Pat, who also only has 2 pictures, but they are closer so at least I can tell he’s not genetically challenged. His profile says that he’s 5′9″, average height, and he is definitely good looking. I agree to a date, but from my last experience I learned that it is better to meet somewhere so that I can escape if I need to. We met up in the restaurant parking lot, and he is in a huge pick up truck. I have to admit that I am kid of excited for this date; he seemed like a really nice guy.

Until he gets out of his truck.

To say that he was short would be an understatement. With heels on I’m probably 5′6”, and there is no way this guy was above 5’5”. He completely lied on his profile and now I’m stuck on a date with eBashful, one of the 7 Internet Dating Dwarfs.

Lesson learned- the internet can be really deceiving.

This is why I was a little hesitant when Mike from Cambridge sent me the first round of questions. I could have sworn he listed “sex” and “porn” in the section detailing what he was passionate about, but when I checked back the next day it was gone. Oh well, I must have imagined that. I liked his profile because we have a lot in common: Bruce, beirut, the Sox, the Pats, tailgating, and when that song comes on that gets everyone pumped up (totally reminded me of how excited I get when Don’t Stop Believin’ comes on at a bar). He was very dark looking and at first I wasn’t sure if he was American or not. But he was cute…I love dimples. And most importantly, he seemed normal.

I have concluded from my experience that internet dating is a very imperfect world. Companies like eHarmony market compatibility that you can’t get at a bar, but the fact is you can’t find chemistry online. Basically, they cancel out- neither is a perfect situation.

Looking back, eHarmony was a ton of work and I would never do it again. I did meet a pretty fun guy though, so I would like to think that it worked out for me, but I suppose only time will tell.

FOR LEGAL REASONS THE CONCLUSION TO THE EHARMONY STORY CANNOT BE POSTED ON THE SITE. TO REQUEST THE FINAL CHAPTER PLEASE EMAIL SPORTSFANPARADISE@GMAIL.COM. THANK YOU.

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Love the site? Hate the site? Got a mailbag question for the Sports (FP) Guy? Want to know how Bardo and Karaoke Craig get such VIP access?

send your thoughts to: sportsfanparadise@gmail.com

mike will get back to you asahp

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by Andrew Weiner

1. Wet Hot American Summer
Best movie every about a Jewish summer camp.

2. True Romance
Written by Quentin Tarantino, directed by Tony Scott, starring Christian Slater, Patricia Arquette, Val Kilmer, Dennis Hopper, Gary Oldman, Brad Pitt, Tom Sizemore, James Gandolfini, Samuel L. Jackson, Chris Penn, and Christopher Walken. Enough said.

3. Wonderland
True Story about porn star John “Johnny Wadd” Holmes and his role in a quadruple homicide in California in July of 1981. Holmes is the inspiration for the movie Boogie Nights, which briefly touched on the killings but did not go nearly as far as Wonderland in showing the brutality and basic disregard for human life that occurred on that day.

4. Easy Rider
1969 film about two dudes exploring the counter culture of America on their choppers. Written by and starring Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper. Also staring Jack Nicholson in his breakout role as hard-drinking George Hanson.

5. Casablanca
Even by 2008 standards, Humphrey Bogart is the fucking man in this one.

6. Bottle Rocket
Wes Anderson (Royal Tenenbaums, Darjeeling Limited)’s directorial debut about amateur thieves, starring Luke and Owen Wilson.

7. American Psycho
Probably the most quotable movie of all-time.

8. The Lost Boys
Classic 80’s movie staring Keifer Sutherland and the Coreys. During the filming of Lost Boys Keifer introduced Feldman and Haim to cocaine. Twenty years later I think they are all sharing a cell in some state prison. Nice work Bauer.

9. Summer of Sam
A Spike Lee joint about a group of Italian-Americans living in fear throughout the “Son of Sam” murders in New York City during the summer of 1977. Starring Adrien Brody and John Leguizamo. Great Soundtrack.

10. Fletch
Chevy Chase has been in 2 great movies, a few decent ones, and about 35 horrendous flicks. This is one of the 2 classics. Combines a good plot with hilarious one-liners.

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Last night How I Met Your Mother, currently clubhouse leader for sitcoms, ended its season with a proposal from Ted Mosby, its lead character. If that wasn’t enough, Barney, legen-DARY womanizer, decided to fall in love with Robin. In fact, the last few episodes of HIMYM, followed a “lets get serious about relationships” arc that I don’t much care for. I know the show is eventually headed down a path towards marriage (as we figure out who the mother is) but unless the producers are only figuring one more season, I think they are jumping the gun here.

• Friends- Lambaste the show if you want, but when critics and ratings are both so strongly in favor, its useless to dissent. In a mostly post-Seinfeld sitcom world, Friends was king. It had a simple premise, great writing, and outstanding character relationships… that was until the dreaded season 7 finale, The One with Chandler and Monica’s Wedding. This watershed moment changed all of the chemistry and dynamics of the group. The Joey-Chandler relationship was dunzo. The Monica and the girls relationship, c’est la vie. Chandler was less snarky, not as nebbish, and stopped goofing around, all the things that made him great. Instead of 6 friends hanging out, episodes would be 3 sets of 2 friends and their “hilarious” hijinx.

• Scrubs- From season 2 until season 6, Scrubs was my favorite show because Bill Lawrence, the show creator and lead writer, found a way to be goofy and light-hearted while telling some serious hospital stories. Scrubs was my favorite 30-minutes of the week during this time, as it delivered almost every week. The JD and Turk friendship (best shown in the My Musical episode Guy Love song) was genuine and fresh and wasn’t spoiled by Turk’s serious relationship, because Lawrence made sure that for Turk, JD always came first. However, Lawrence couldn’t stay true to guy love once Turk and Carla had a baby (Season 6 aka the Tipping Point) and at this point, Scrubs‘ tomfoolery and witty shenanigans took a backseat to the serious reality of being a parent. Since then, and through this season’s finale, Scrubs has become borderline unwatchable. Turk isn’t fun loving anymore, JD has also recently become a father also and **SPOILER ALERT** he stinks now too. (I never thought I’d say this but Braff’s JD character is a distant fourth to JD Drew, JD Salinger, and Jack Daniels on the “My Favorite JD’s” list. For the record, it’s still ahead of JDate.)

• The Office- Everyone who watches loves almost every character, from Michael to Dwight to Kelly (who has been the best character all year). However when it comes to favorites, most people really care about Pam and Jim. That’s also why most people are stupid. Go back and watch episodes from the first three seasons and remember how cool Jim was (a foil to Dwight, the rampant office pranks, the nerdy sexual tension we could all relate to). Picture Jim now, whining to clients on a golf course, stinking at ping pong, and seriously caring about his job. All I know is if 2005 Jim met 2008 Jim in a dark Scranton parking lot, 2005 Jim would kick his ass (or least put his stapler in a jello mold and posted a Reward Poster for his missing cahones). Now lame relationship Jim spends his work time working… BORING.

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The only thing standing in-between Tom Brady and Miss USA is Miss Teen USA…

…And Josh Bard

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Is Ronald gonna have a smack a bitch?

(thanks to Shaun)

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Beat cancer, win the final game of a World Series, then throw a no-hitter?

I feel like my last 2 years haven’t been quite as productive.

I told you not to count him out.

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by Josh Bard

I am as happy as anyone can be who just spent three hours chewing their fingernails down. This was one of those “hero’s journey archetype” games where everything worked out the way it was supposed to, but it never looked like it would. Check out the scene at the end of the game.

Paul Pierce, the captain, the only Celtic who has been here since the last time we enjoyed the C’s, had the ball in his hands. New additions Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen yielded to Pierce frenzied possession after frenzied possession; it was a game that the Truth was going to win or lose; it was up to him. On a night when he exorcized his LeBron James demons, Pierce also made his return to the conference finals. He made the big plays, consistently hitting pull up jumpers that he never doubted and I never expected to keep falling. LeBron beat Pierce up and down the floor statistically, but when it counted and where it counted, Pierce reigned over King James. And again, the man who has muddled through Celtics mediocrity (at best!) the last five seasons is reborn into elusive playoff territory with a team who’s rebuilding is finally complete.

How cyclical that five years after the last inspired Celtics playoff run and subsequent post-season schism, that Pierce again captains a set of contenders, that the Garden is again loud and filled with Red Auerbach’s spirit, and that there is once again banner banter. Danny Ainge’s self-proclaimed, widely-scrutinized rebuilding process is complete. And in slightly less time than the Big Dig took, and with one less casualty (unless we’re counting Antoine Walker’s career).

#34 wasn’t the only hero and wasn’t the only Celtic who’s character arc came full circle in today’s Game 7. How about Eddie House who had been relegated to a front-row spectator for the first five games? It seemed only Doc Rivers couldn’t see the problem with Sam Cassell hogging the minutes and shots early in the series. House, an emotional leader and offensive spark-plug all year, literally and figuratively came to play in Games 6 and 7. To those looking back, his stats will never resemble the game he played today, but in 15 minutes House did almost everything right. A huge jumper, the extra passes to free up teammates, and the gutsiest play of the game, diving on a loose ball destined for out of bounds and turning it into James Posey free throws. There weren’t enough imaginary Tommy Points that could have validated the “jump-out-of-your-seat-ness” of that play. House even made his presence felt on the bench, emphatically clapping in LeBron’s ear during a wide open 3-pointer, and throwing him out of rhythm. And how appropriate that Eddie hit two humungous free throws you would expect from someone like Sam Cassell and was the one left holding the ball as the final horn sounded. Meanwhile, as House was celebrated by his teammates, Sam Cassell could be seen talking to Damon Jones, likely comparing each others uselessness.

Finally our role-players are playing the correct roles (Rondo 8 points, 8 assist, 8 rebounds; PJ Brown 10 points, each one somehow exponentially more clutch than the previous). And while no team wants to get stuck in a Game 7, this team may have been helped more than it was hurt from the extra 48 minutes. Even if two of the Big 3 Celtics headline acts had subpar performances, the team learned that it can count on some of the overlooked nuts and bolts of a well-oiled homecourt machine. Maybe we cant expect any more big games from Ray Allen (star of He Got Lame) or another career resume game from Pierce, but we know understudies like Powe, PJ Brown, Rondo, and Posey all will help the team in their way. You could argue that these long series are making our older veterans older for the worse or you could argue its making our younger players older for the better.

Detroit will be by far the best team the Celtics have played in the playoffs so far, and the most well-rounded. This is a team without one of two prime scorers and a team that resembles our own. Win or lose now, the Celtics wont have disappointed too many fans. Most, myself included, are just happy to have a hometown basketball team that makes us proud more often than it doesn’t (like, in say, 4 of 7 games).

Do I feel like the last two weeks have given me more indigestion and pit-stained t-shirts? Absolutely. Have I pounded down a few more beers out of bitterness and frustration? At least 10. And now it will continue for another week, at least… and I’m pretty excited about it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither were the 2007-8 Celtics and even if we have to do this in stressful 7-game segments, I’m done complaining.

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