Archive for June, 2008

An argument flared up in my office today when Drew Bledsoe’s name came up and my buddy Troy (Detroit Lions fan, just to give you an idea of his credibility) said that Bledsoe had a terrible career.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I was wrong in 2001 when I wanted Drew to start in the Super Bowl against the Rams. My bad. Give me a mulligan on that one. Having said that, when Drew’s career comes into question I will most certainly defend him vehemently.

I do not deny that Bledsoe had his ups and downs as a starting quarterback. He threw over 200 interceptions during his 14-year career, and seemed to have a knack for holding on to the ball too long and getting sacked. It also doesn’t help that Patriots fans will forever think of him as the Wally Pipp of the franchise.

Despite his shortcomings, the Walla Walla native should definitely have a spot in Canton as soon as he is eligible. He took the Patriots to 2 Super Bowls, and along with Bill Parcells and Robert Kraft was able to make the Pats relevant again. When it comes to the Hall of Fame, however, putting up numbers are very important, and in that regard Drew McQueen took care of business. He threw more touchdown passes than Jim Kelly and Steve Young, threw for more yards than Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas, and completed more passes than Fran Tarkenton and Troy Aikman.

There is no argument, so don’t even try. Maybe Drew didn’t deserve to start in Super Bowl XXXVI, but he does deserve the Hall.

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So I went to pick up my typical headache-curing breakfast this morning (sausage, egg & cheese with a Vitamin Water) like I do on most Mondays. It wasn’t until I devoured the sandwich and polished off my usual Raspberry-Apple drink when I realized something startling: the VW wasn’t Raspberry-Apple, but “Revive” which is like a fruit punch. The crazy thing was, it tasted just like the Raspberry-Apple that I usually get. This was very unnerving. I decided that I needed to get to the bottom of this. I walked back over to Scali’s on Pearl St. and purchased 3 more Vitamin Waters: Orange, Dragonfruit, and XXX. I went back to the office and started closing my eyes and sipping from each. The Orange had a bit of a tang, but it was very slight. The other 2 tasted exactly the same, and furthermore tasted just like Revive which I thought was Raspberry-Apple.

In conclusion, I am now convinced that Vitamin Water has 1 or 2 concoctions and puts different food coloring in them to market them as different flavors. If anyone out there is a psych major I will personally fund a study to explore the way we can convince ourselves of how something is going to taste.

Sorry for wasting 35 seconds of your time but I had to get that out.

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SELL ALCOHOL ON GOLF COURSES (H 227) - The Senate approved legislation that would allow cities and towns’ licensing authorities to license golf clubs to sell alcoholic beverages or wine at any location on the grounds of the golf course. The House has already approved the measure and final approval in each branch is necessary prior to the proposal going to Gov. Patrick.

’bout freaking time if you ask me.

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by Jess B.

Mike told me about his blog after our 1st date, I read it before our 2nd, and had sent the link to my friends by the 3rd. After our 6th date he finally convinced me that I needed to write my own post and provide a female perspective on the internet dating experience. Here, in my own words, is how I came to be Jess, 24, South Boston.

So why did I decide to try eHarmony?

To give you a little bit of my history first, I had been in relationships for the first 8 years of my eligible life and had never been single so I didn’t know where to start or how to actually “date” without it being a late-night booty call. I’ll admit that the idea of just being the “cat lady” crossed my mind, but my family and friends wouldn’t accept this - they said I had too much to offer to be alone.

So I tried to go to bars to meet people, and honestly, I was a little excited at the notion that I COULD give my number to cute guys that I met out. I have had a fake ID since I was 18, but a boyfriend since I was 15, so freedom at the bars was a new privilege to me. But I quickly realized that being single at bars wasn’t a privilege after all, and I started giving out my best friends numbers (or in extreme cases I would give out the New York Rejection Line…yeah I was cold sometimes…sorry).

After about 6 months of this I was discouraged and decided I was done dating for a while. So I decided to get a dog. I figured by getting a dog I wouldn’t become the “cat lady”, and statistically speaking people like dogs more than cats, so it’s a stepping stone. I also should mention that the dog that cost $1,400 was purchased for me by a guy I met at a bar who lives in Chicago. We had what amounted to a brief phone/email relationship, I only saw him 3 times, and never slept with him, but apparently he thought that buying me a puppy would get him laid (Yes- men are that stupid sometimes). I also started seeing two of my ex’s again (both conveniently named Mark) and would tell my friends and family that “Mark and I are trying to work things out.” This shut them up, but I knew full well that it was just a friends-with-benefits situation.

That worked until the holidays. The first time spending them alone sucked, and my family and friends could tell that it bothered me. They convinced me that for the new year I should start fresh. That meant to stop seeing the ex’s and the losers I met at bars, change my phone number…and join eHarmony.

I stopped seeing the guys, and changing my number was easy, but it took a few months of convincing for me to actually sign up for the service, but a couple months ago I finally took the plunge.

95% of the time I was on there I was thinking that this is ridiculous, retarded, doesn’t work, and is full of losers. The other 5% of the time was spent meeting a guy or two that I thought had potential, but quickly realizing that they either wanted to get married like yesterday or had severe cases of commitment-phobia.

Anyway, here are a few of the classics from my time on eHarmony:

Date #1:

Kevin from Stoneham is taking me to a Sox game, and I’m pretty excited. Call me naive.

My first warning sign should have been where he wanted to meet before the game. I can’t even remember the name of the bar, but it’s some hole in the wall like 15 blocks from Fenway that “doesn’t get crowded and has really cheap beers.” When I get there he is already working on his first beer and doesn’t offer to get me one. This sort of irritates me, but I’ve been around long enough to know that chivalry is dead, so I deal with it and buy my own drinks. The breaking point was at the game.

In the 3rd inning he returned from the bathroom with 2 beers. He handed me one, so I assumed that he bought it for me, and I started drinking it. Then he asked for it back. “I just needed you to hold it for a minute, it wasn’t for you,” he said. “I’m sorry, you’re a great girl and shit but no girl is worth an $8 beer.”

Yeah, I was done. I can handle buying myself beers, but telling me that I’m not worth $8 is just plain rude. I excused myself to use the bathroom and never went back. I left him there alone at the game in the 3rd inning and found a cab to take me home.

Date #2:

I get matched with this guy named Mark whose profile says he’s 6′4″, a corrections officer, and lives in Framingham. Based on height (and name) he sounds completely like my type, but the 2 pictures in his profile were taken from a distance, so I had no idea what he really looked like. Regardless, I agreed to a date and he picks me up to go to dinner in the North End. When he gets out of the car he is huge- I didn’t realize how tall 6′4″ really is when you’re only 5′3″. But he was also kind of wide, and to put it politely, genetically challenged (butt ugly). So I really wasn’t into him at all, but I stuck it out through dinner with the help of 4 glasses of wine. On the way home he started to tell me that he had ordered me flowers, but when he had gone to the florist to pick them up they had closed and he wasn’t able to bring them. He said he didn’t want to come empty handed so he had stopped to get me something else.

It’s bad enough that he thought he needed to bring me flowers, because there clearly isn’t going to be a second date, but now he has a gift for me??? He invited me to Red Sox game, so you can imagine how bad the date went for me to turn down Sox tickets. I drank enough wine at dinner just to get through it, so now I’m really buzzed, 10 feet from my door. I just want to go inside, pass out and end this. The last thing I want to do is put on some gracious thankful performance for this guy.

But no. It’s gift time.

And out comes a tube of Chap Stick. Yup- chap stick. Not even a regular Burt’s Bee’s type of chap stick- but a pastel purple tube with some Disney character princess on it. I think it’s a joke and start laughing, until he insists I put it on. I’m trying to be as good of a sport about this as possible so I open it and go to put it on, but not only was the outside purple- but the actual chap stick itself is purple AND has sparkles! He proceeds to tell me that “In your pictures you had such a great smile, so I thought I would get you Chap Stick to protect those gorgeous lips of yours”.

Oh yea, lucky me! I’m sitting here in the car with Shrek putting on Cinderella purple sparkly Chap Stick- waiting at any point for Ashton Kutcher to jump out and tell me I’m on an episode of Punk’d. But that doesn’t happen.

That was enough to keep me off eHarmony for a few weeks.

Until Date #3:

I get matched with this guy named Pat, who also only has 2 pictures, but they are closer so at least I can tell he’s not genetically challenged. His profile says that he’s 5′9″, average height, and he is definitely good looking. I agree to a date, but from my last experience I learned that it is better to meet somewhere so that I can escape if I need to. We met up in the restaurant parking lot, and he is in a huge pick up truck. I have to admit that I am kid of excited for this date; he seemed like a really nice guy.

Until he gets out of his truck.

To say that he was short would be an understatement. With heels on I’m probably 5′6”, and there is no way this guy was above 5’5”. He completely lied on his profile and now I’m stuck on a date with eBashful, one of the 7 Internet Dating Dwarfs.

Lesson learned- the internet can be really deceiving.

This is why I was a little hesitant when Mike from Cambridge sent me the first round of questions. I could have sworn he listed “sex” and “porn” in the section detailing what he was passionate about, but when I checked back the next day it was gone. Oh well, I must have imagined that. I liked his profile because we have a lot in common: Bruce, beirut, the Sox, the Pats, tailgating, and when that song comes on that gets everyone pumped up (totally reminded me of how excited I get when Don’t Stop Believin’ comes on at a bar). He was very dark looking and at first I wasn’t sure if he was American or not. But he was cute…I love dimples. And most importantly, he seemed normal.

I have concluded from my experience that internet dating is a very imperfect world. Companies like eHarmony market compatibility that you can’t get at a bar, but the fact is you can’t find chemistry online. Basically, they cancel out- neither is a perfect situation.

Looking back, eHarmony was a ton of work and I would never do it again. I did meet a pretty fun guy though, so I would like to think that it worked out for me, but I suppose only time will tell.

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by Josh Bard

Lets just say this, before the playoffs started, I didn’t think Game 5 tickets against the Hawks would be worth the effort of a deposit. Expectations were Snoop Dogg high. Then out of nowhere came the Joe Johnson debacle, which is like calling it the Spygate misinterpretation. Sure the C’s Papelbonned Game 7, but who could be sure which team would face the Cavs in the next round.

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Before we get to Davo’s final letter to the left coast I need to throw down a few thoughts about last night. I watched the game with my roommates at Jose McIntyres, ran to Store 24 to buy victory cigars, and then made our way through Faneuil Hall and down to the celebration outside the Garden. These won’t be coherent sentences, just random thoughts on an incredible night.

- I have never ever seen a city as packed as Boston was last night. Even the shitty bars as far away as the financial district had a line outside that was 20 deep. It was insane.

- If Paul Pierce isn’t the 3rd greatest Celtic of all-time, he is certainly in the top 6. I’m saying that he is right behind Larry. Look at the numbers. And now he has a ring. McHale, Cousy, Havlicek fans, feel free to comment.

- I couldn’t have been happier for KG. If Pierce was the team MVP, KG was the organization MVP, no questions asked.

- PERK IS A BEAST!

- I bet Kobe doesn’t like it as much when he’s the one taking the pounding.

- Phil Jackson can only win championships with two top-50 players. Sure, Red had plenty of hall-of-famers, but thats because he scouted, drafted, signed and traded for them. I never want to hear them mentioned in the same sentence again.

- The Celts looked more like the Harlem Globetrotters last night.

- It felt like they hit 25 big 3-pointers. Not sure what the actual stat was.

- I am going to try and start “EDDIE! EDDIE!” chants at Sox games just to see what people do.

- At one point in the night some dude sprinted by me followed by a cop, right after chucking a street sign through an office window about 10 feet from where we were celebrating.

- The T ride home may have been one of the best parts of the night.

- There is no city I would rather live in than Boston, Massachusetts.

But I digress…

————————————————————

My Dearest Friend Jeffrey,

Congratulations brother. As I predicted before the finals began, the Celtics won their 17th Championship in 6 games. Watching game 6 could not have been more enjoyable. After 26 whirlwind playoff games–an NBA record–I was not in the mood for another close one. I wanted a blow-out, and I got one.

This game was such a blow-out that it seemed like the Celtic bench was going to just explode with 8 minutes left in the game, because they had just been sitting there for the whole 3rd quarter KNOWING they were about to win a championship, and they knew they had to wait ANOTHER quarter before they could celebrate. They got so antsy that Paul Pierce dumped a bottle of gatorade on Doc Rivers…I had never heard of this being done in a basketball game, but I loved it.

As I allow this championship to sink in, I can’t help but notice that this one is different from other championships I’ve experienced. When the Red Sox won in 2004, I loved it, but that championship wasn’t for us Jeff. It was for the countless Red Sox fans that had been living and dying with the team since World War 2. When the Patriots win, that championship isn’t for us Jeff. It’s for all of New England, equally…even the people in northern Maine. Same goes for the Sox championship last year.

The championship that the Celtics won last night was for us Jeff. It wasn’t for the generation before us, like the Sports Guy, because these people experienced the Bird era. It wasn’t for the generation before them, my father’s era, because those people experienced Cowens and Havlicheck in the 70s. It certainly wasn’t for my grandfather’s era, because those people experienced Russel, Cousey, and Red.

The 2007 championship means more to people like me and you than to ANY other generation of Celtic fans. The generation that grew up in the era of M.L. Carr and Antoine Walker, and Reggie Lewis, thinking we knew what it meant to love the Celtics…This champtionship was for us, and that makes it unique among the numeruos championships we’ve experienced in the last decade.

Congratulations to Paul Pierce, who in my view solidifed a spot in the Hall of Fame over the last 6 weeks. Congratulations to Doc Rivers, for putting up with the crappy teams he’s had to coach and b.s. complaints that fans have been throwing his way for the last two years. Congratulations to Danny Ainge, for joining the Theo Epstein Club for absolutely disgusting years for pro sports executives. Congratulations to KG, who, as he aptly phrased it last night, is “on top of the world!” Congratulations to Ray Allen for fighting through that miserable slump play an integral role in the NBA finals. Congratulations to Red Auerbach, for still having a share of the NBA record for championships won by a coach.

But most of all Jeffrey, congratulations to us kid…

Sincerely,

Davo

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June 2nd, 2008: Day 6

(Note: Half of this was written on June 2nd, half later that week and it was edited a week after that. If you can’t handle a little mix of past and present tense then go read some English major’s blog)
I’m not going to lie to you, internet dating isn’t as easy as they make it out to be. Its downright taxing.

If my work load at my real job wasn’t enough to keep me occupied on a Monday morning, I have 24 ladies that I need to analyze. I decide that my love life needs to become a priority, and I have a half hour before my first conference call of the day, so I put aside selling environmental insurance and focus on eHarmonizing.

I told myself when the process began that I would never post pictures of the girls on the blog, since that would certainly cross the line. I will slightly break that rule today, but only because I’m not putting the picture up for the purposes of making fun of her.

That said, I have never been so tempted to just put up a picture of each girl I got matched with as I was today so you could just see what I’m working with here. I didn’t expect to sign up for an online dating site and immediately have smokeshows calling me and gorgeous girls ringing my doorbell, but I was expecting something a little bit better than this talent pool, especially after waiting 3 days for the matches to pile up.

I am not going to get into the specifics of exactly what is wrong with the majority of the matches, because I did that in Part 3 and there is no need to be redundant. Lets just say that of the 24 women, 20 of them were either 9-irons (good from about 120 yards away) or wouldn’t be able to fit in a grandstand seat at Fenway. I’m not kidding. Krista from Brookline looked like she got hit in the face with a bag of doorknobs. Only 4 of the 24 weren’t ugly, which means eHarmony is hitting about .167. Even Robinson Cano is hitting .225.

Of the handful that I didn’t immediately close, only one was worth the $59.95 a month: Jess, 24, South Boston. All it took was her display picture for me to know that I was going to like her. She had gorgeous blue eyes, a great smile, wearing a Sox hat and drinking a beer on Yawkey Way. I was sold.

I decided to scrap all other communication for the day and focus my attention on Jess. I sent her my first standard round questions even before I read her profile:

I like these because they’re casual. I don’t want to come across as some creep and ask the girls if they’re passionate or if they believe in soul mates. I’m just trying to buy a cute girl a drink, not looking to go ring shopping.

Time to check out this girl’s info…

Height: 5′3” (perfect)
Occupation: Senior Account - Private Wealth Firm (hmm…impressive)
Smokes: Never (good)
Drinks: Several times a week (atta girl)

So far so good. The chances are that this girl will never respond to my questions, but the fact that I have been matched with a seemingly total package has reinstalled my trust in eHarmony, despite their .167 batting average.

I needed to get to some work before I could continue to stalk Jess, and it wasn’t until 11 or so that I could sign back into my dating site. When I did, her answers were waiting for me. She said that she would strike out on her own and introduce herself to people if she went to a party with me (which is exactly what I would do, so we’re 1-for-1), her idea of a good adventure is singing karaoke (bet she has never seen me rock a Neil Diamond 3-fer), her perfect date is a professional sporting event (good thing we live in Title Town), and she loves to go to hole-in-the-wall restaurants with great food. I’m not going to say that I’m in love with this mystery girl, but I’m getting there.

Time to answer her questions. Thank God I got 5 no-brainers and didn’t have to over analyze this:

OK…that was easy enough. I quickly sent her my “Must Haves/Can’t Stands” (which I have decided are a complete formality and a joke) and can do nothing but sit back and wait.

(3 hours later…)

She must have a self-confident loyal guy with a sense of humor and can’t have a mean-spirited liar who uses drugs. I must have relaxed sociable girl with strong character and can’t have rude, self-centered girl who is excessively overweight. Like I said, we get it…everyone wants people with lots of good qualities and few bad qualities. Let us send an email already.

Time to answer her 2nd questions:

And to send mine:

Again, I have to sit back and wait. I’m usually a patient person but this is the first eHarmony communication with a match that I could actually see myself in public with, so excuse me for being a little energetic.

(7 hours later…)

I have settled into a good spot on our couch to watch the Sox-O’s game and decided to bring my laptop with me, partially to check my fantasy team and play Facebook Scrabulous but mostly to eHarmonize the shit out of Jess, 24, South Boston.

I signed on during the 2nd inning and had finally received her answers:

1. You’re at an open bar, what do you order?

Well that depends on my mood/occasion. I am an equal opportunity drinker and love beer, wine, hard alcohol- everything pretty much So maybe I would order a martini, margarita, glass of Reisling….not sure.

2. You’re on a desert island for a year and can only have 1 book, 1 movie and 1 album to last you for 365 days…what do you choose?

Interesting that this deserted island has a CD player and DVD player- but Ill go with it My album would be a Kenny Chesney CD- a mix of his greatest hits. Some of my favorite memories are of summers tailgating and going to his concerts with all my friends from my hometown. My book would be The Secret. My movie would probably be Good Will Hunting because I love that movie and it would remind me of home by having the all the shots of Boston.

3. Why are you on eHarmony?

Because I am not really the girl in my pictures- I am actually quite ugly and have a horrible time meeting guys. Just kidding haha. I am on here because I dont meet new people in my day to day life (I work with all women too which can get old) and I never take any of the guys I meet at a bar seriously so I figured this would be my best option to meet genuine guys.

Maybe my opinion is skewed because this girl had me at “sox hat” and “drinks several times a week,” but I was totally down with those answers. I enlist the help of Andy and Charles as I try and construct the perfect 1st email to send my new online crush. Lets just say that I refused to ask this girl whether or not she liked Santana, so they were no help.

I did my best to write a message that was both funny and laid back, asking her if she would like to get a drink with me sometime. I was happy with my finished product and sent it off into cyberspace, hoping for the best.

I know that this whole eHarmony thing was supposed to be a social experiment, but I can’t help but get a little excited to meet an attractive, cool girl who shares similar interests. After all, you never know…this could be, an everlasting love…

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Finally, the word has an official definition

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How many things mentioned in Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire can you list in 15 minutes?

I got 71 out of 120, and I thought I knew the song inside and out. Without the music to get you going its hard as hell.

Browse around the site and do some of the other challenges. This is the ultimate time waster. If anyone can beat me at NFL 1st overall picks, college mascots or Heisman winners I’ll buy you a beer.

Part 5 of the eHarmony story will be out by the end of today or tomorrow. Sorry for the delay, this was a long weekend. Banner 17 can’t get to those rafters soon enough, I need a few nights off.

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