Archive for October, 2008

Even Barstool is on board with my costume

Happy Halloween bitches…here are some spooky picks to make you a little bit of money this weekend. I feel good about this week.

Texans +4.5 over VIKINGS
Jaguars -7.5 over BUNGLES
CHIEFS +8.5 over Bucs
Ravens +1.5 over BROWNS
BILLS -5.5 over Jets
RAMS +3 over Cardinals
LIONS +12.5 over Bears
Packers +5 over TITANS
BRONCOS -3 over Dolphins
Falcons -3 over RAIDERS
GIANTS -8.5 over Cowboys
Eagles -6.5 over SEAHAWKS
COLTS -6 over Pats
Steelers +2.5 over REDSKINS

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Oooohhhhhh Yeeeeaaaah

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I had another losing Sunday last week, which means getting over .500 for the season will not be an easy task, and hitting my 60% promise is less than likely. But I’m not giving up, not by a long shot. There are 10 weeks left. If I pick up 2 games a week then I’m in decent shape, but I’ll need a huge week thrown in there somewhere.

Until I get my mojo back I will be suspending my Lock of the Week. Effing Cowboys. Also, from here on out my Upset Special will be me having more wins than losses on Monday morning (although I did nail my “Papi hits a big homer in Game 5 pick”). No more gimmicks, no more cheesy ways of picking, just good old fashion sports gambling…

I don’t know what to say really. 14 more picks to continue my gambling life. It all comes down to today. Now either I heal as a picker, or I’m gonna crumble. Inch by inch, pick by pick, till I’m finished. I’m in hell right now, gentleman. Believe me. And I can stay here, get the shit kicked out of me, or I can fight my way back into the light. I can climb out of hell. One pick at a time.

Now you can’t do it for me. You don’t know enough. I look around my office, I see these young faces, and I think… I mean I’ve made every wrong choice an amateur football expert can make. I pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off any team who has ever won for me, and lately, I can’t even stand to watch the Dallas Cowboys. You know when you get too cocky about picking, games get taken from you. That’s part of gambling. But you only learn that when you start losing games. You find out life is this game of inches. And so is betting on football. Because in either game, life or betting on football, the margin for error is so small. I mean… one half a point, like when I picked the Bucs at -10.5 last week and they won 20-10, and you don’t quite make it. One half point too much or too little, and you don’t quite cash in on it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They are in every newspaper, every website, every Sportscenter. On this blog, I fight for that inch. On this blog, I tear myself and Bardo to pieces for that inch. I claw with my fingernails for that inch. Because I know when I add up all those inches, that’s gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I’ll tell you this - in any gamble, its the guy whose willing to die who’s gonna win that inch. And I know if I’m going to have any life anymore, it’s because I’m still willing to fight and die for that inch. Because that’s what gambling is! The -6 right in front of your face…

Now you can’t make me do it. I’ve got to look at the Bardo, look into his eyes. Now I think I’m gonna see a guy who will go that inch with me. I’m gonna see a guy who will sacrifice his bank account for this blog, because he knows when it comes down to it, I’m gonna do the same for him.

That’s a blog, gentlemen. And either we heal, now, as a blog, or we will die, as individuals. That’s football betting, guys. That’s all it is. Now, what am I going to do?

Raiders +7 over RAVENS
I hate this game because you never know what to expect from either team, but I had a hunch here. Baltimore allows, on average, 16 points per game, while Oakland averages 16 points per game. Even though Baltimore only scores 17.5 a game, Oakland gives up 24.7. Seems easy to me, Ravens 21, Raiders 16.

Chargers -3 over SAINTS* (In London)
Bullocks! The Saints get hosed out of more home games than the U.S. Army. All bets are off when teams play across the pond, but I’ll take a Chargers team that killed the Pats 11 days ago over a New Orleans team without Reggie Bush.

JETS -13.5 over Chiefs
Has all the makings of a blowout. I don’t think that playing in a “Herm Edwards Bowl” will pump up the lowly Chiefs enough to make up for the loss on Pumkin.

(Me using another flavor of love reference in this column -3 over Me refraining)

Bills -1.5 over DOLPHINS
If recent weeks have taught me anything it is to always take the home team in any game you’re not sure about. I am calling this my Golden Rule. But I can’t pick an inconsistent Miami squad against a Bills team that has yet to lose with Trent Edwards at the helm.

COWBOYS -2 over Bucs
This is the craziest line of the week. On one hand the Bucs have a much much better defense, but on the other hand they are playing in Dallas and haven’t won a road game in regulation this season. Who knows what you’re going to get from Dallas, but they have too much talent to keep losing. Right?

EAGLES -9 over Falcons
Lets see if rookie Matt Ryan can stand up to Jimmie Johnson’s blitz packages. I’m looking for a big offensive performance from a rested Eagles team with a hopefully healthy Brian Westbrook.

PATS -7.5 over Rams
I’d like it more at 6.5, but lets face it: This New England team either has it or they don’t. The Rams have shown that they can play under Jim Haslett, so if the same Pats team that showed up for the Miami and San Diego games comes for this one then they’ll get smoked. Hopefully the team that handled the Jets and crushed the Broncos will be on display and it won’t even be close. I just can’t pick a team that 2 weeks ago we thought was the worst in football over the Pats in Foxboro. I don’t care how many injuries the Pats suffer, I just can’t do it.

PANTHERS -4 over Cardinals
On a neutral site I might take Arizona, but I don’t like the cross-country trek. Carolina just smoked another mediocre team with a great passing game (New Orleans), so theres no reason they can’t do it again.

LIONS +8 over Redskins
Golden Rule.

Browns +7 over JAGUARS
Using the same logic as the Ravens-Raiders game. The law of averages has Jax winning a close one.

STEELERS -3 over Giants
Get your popcorn out for this one as it should be a great game. Pittsburgh has the best defense east of Nashville, while the Giants run the ball better than any team in the NFL. I take Pitt because the G-Men have shown cracks recently.

49ERS -5 over Seahawks
Golden Rule.

TEXANS -9.5 over Bengals
Cincy sucks very very hard. They’re terrible. Matt Schaub, Steve Slaton and Andre Johnson will put up huge fantasy numbers.

Colts +4 over TITANS
This is the statement game for Tennessee. They can earn a unanimous nod as “best team in football” if they can pull it off. Its finally time for America to see their defense. But Peyton Manning always shows up on Monday night. Colts in a close one.

Last 2 weeks: 9-19
Season: 42-57
Simmons: 52-47

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It took me a day and a half and an old school Patriots victory to be able to blog about the Sox season. I don’t have an eloquent eulogy for the 2008 squad, just a line-up of random thoughts:

- Sunday’s loss wasn’t what some would call a “stomach-punch game.” It stung, thats for sure, but it wasn’t as bad as Tampa’s loss in Game 5.

- It stung so badly because I thought for sure we would win, not because I necessarily thought we should have won. The Pats should have beaten the Giants in the Super Bowl. Thats why this loss doesn’t even come close to comparing in terms of disappointment.

- The Rays were the better team and played better for the entire series. No question about it. Evan Longoria and BJ Upton were the two best players on the field during this series (better than Pedroia) and Matt Garza was the best pitcher to step on the mound (better than Lester).

- I have nothing against the Tampa Bay Rays. They can pitch with the best, play good D, have a fast lineup with incredible power in the middle, and also feature a decent bullpen (which I’d say is their only weakness). They’re going to be good until they are too cheap to resign these guys.

- I do, however, have a lot against “fans” of the Tampa Bay Rays. Since they don’t exist. Bandwagon jumpers and fair-weather fairies are my least favorite types of people, and these Florida fruitcakes embody that entire pathetic population.

- TBS should never, ever be able to carry another sporting event besides Braves baseball and WCW Wrestling. Chip Caray should find another career before he further defecates on this father and grandfathers’ legacies. He was flat-out wrong with half of the things he said over these last 11 games, while sounding like a retard the other half of the time. Buck Martinez and Ron Darling shouldn’t be able to get Little League World Series gigs, and the technical people at TBS fucked-up worse than any television sports programmers since the Heidi Game. On the other hand, the Steve Harvey Show received its highest ratings ever.

- Game 5 will go down as one of the Top 10 Games of My Life (look for the column at the end of this week. Despite the way the series turned out, nobody can take that game away from this team or their fans. It defined Classic.

- It became evident over the course of the playoffs, as to what the main difference was between this team and last year’s championship team. The ‘07 squad had the most formidable 3-4-5 hitters in all of baseball in Ortiz-Ramirez-Lowell. This year we lost all 3, instead going with the Corpse of David Ortiz and two terrific 6-spot guys (Youk and Drew) who are great hitters but aren’t the RBI-type guys needed for those spots (see: Evan Longoria, Carlos Pena). Our pitching was as good as last season if not better (sure, Beckett wasn’t as good, but Dice-K was much improved, at least in Game 1, and Lester still took the weight of being the ace), and our bullpen pitched well when it mattered. We just couldn’t drive in runs, with the exception of the 11 o’clock hour on Thursday night, and it is because we lost the entire heart of our World Series order.

And finally…

- I agree with some, that if Manny were on this team he would have come up with a much-needed RBI to win Game 7. But I firmly believe that with him on the team we would not have had the same attitude (heart, desire, unity) that was necessary to win Game 5.

And you might not believe me, but I’d rather not have Manny and be golfing today. This is better.

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there are 2 different types of people in the world. the people who go to sleep when their team is down 7-0, and the people who don’t.

don’t be the first guy.

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I’ve spent hours upon hours over analyzing the Sox this month. Way too much time. I have been stressing about Beckett, tearing my hair out over Ellsbury, and praying that whoever has kidnapped David Ortiz and replaced him with a 2002 version of Mo Vaughn will swap them back before 8:07 tonight.

All that ends today.

When we were down 3-1 in last year’s ALCS I wrote a column about not losing hope. But this year’s pump-up blog will look a little different. I’ve decided that its time to have fun, and I fully intend to enjoy tonight’s game, win or lose, since it could be the last one I see until Spring Training (Rays-Phils doesn’t do it for me).

So I’m throwing the statistical comparisons out the window and cutting the analytical bullshit. With the help of ESPN The Magazine’s Diamond Trax I will tell you who is going to win this series, based, of course, on each player’s entrance music.
(thanks to Farrah for the tip)

Lets break it down…

1st Base/DH

Boston: David Ortiz
Song 1: “Big Poppa” by Notorious B.I.G.
Song 2: “This is Why I’m Hot” by Mims

Tampa: Carlos Pena
Song: “Alante Alante”
Artist: Omega

Analysis: I’m not feeling Pena, my boy from Haverhill, going with a song in Spanish. I took it for 7 years and never reached an intermediate level. You’re losing me chico. As for Papi, he has been everything but hot recently, but he redeems himself with Big Poppa. Always a classic.
Advantage: Boston

2nd Base

Boston: Dustin Pedroia
Song: “F**k Wit Dre (Explicit)”
Artist: Dr. Dre

Tampa: Akinori Iwamura
Song: “Hurricane”
Artist: Eikichi Yazawa

Analysis: Still not feeling the foreign shit and I love little Pedey dropping explicit lyrics on the Fenway Faithful.
Advantage: Boston

3rd Base

Boston: Kevin Youkilis
Song: “Push It”
Artist: Rick Ross

Tampa: Evan Longoria
Song: “Down and Out”
Artist: Tantric

Analysis: Longoria can cut the bullshit with this “I’m so emo” act. His life is awesome. Tantric? Please. Go slit your wrist.
Advantage: Boston

Shortstop

Boston: Jed Lowrie
Song: “Teenage Kicks”
Artist: Busted

Tampa: Jason Bartlett
Song: “Drop and Gimme 50″
Artist: Mike Jones

Analysis: Hey Jed, you already look like a 12-year-old, how about picking a grown-up song and trying to convince people otherwise?
Advantage: Tampa

Left field

Boston: Jason Bay
Song: “Alive”
Artist: Pearl Jam

Tampa: Carl Crawford
Song: “Certified”
Artist: Glasses Malone
Analysis: I’ve never heard of Glasses Malone while Pearl Jam hasn’t been relavant in years (unless of course you’re Theo Epstein). Glasses couldn’t be any blacker, just like Eddie and Co. couldn’t be much whiter.
Advantage: Gotta give it to Tampa

Center field

Boston: Coco Crisp
Song: “Lollipop”
Artist: Lil’ Wayne

Tampa: BJ Upton
Song: “Lollipop”
Artist: Lil’ Wayne

Analysis: Neither get points for originality. If I had the time I would do a study about Center fielders and overplayed rap songs, but I just don’t.
Advantage: Boston. Just kidding, Push

Right field

Boston: Jacoby Ellsbury
Song: “Cherub Rock”
Artist: Smashing Pumpkins

Tampa: Cliff Floyd
Song: “Moneymaker”
Artist: Too $hort

Analysis: The Smashing Pumpkins sucked even back when they were popular. Change your name to $mashing Pumpkins and come talk to me.
Advantage: Tampa

Starting Pitcher

Boston: Daisuke Matsuzaka
Song: “Stronger”
Artist: Kanye West

Boston: Scott Kazmir
Song: “Knockin’ Doors Down”
Artist: Pimp C

Analysis: I love Dice-K going all-American with his selection, but for a short white dude Kazmir is also bringing the pain.
Advantage: Push

Relief Pitcher

Boston: Jon Papelbon
Song 1: “Wild Thing” by the Troggs
Song 2: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” by Dropkick Murphys

Tampa: Grant Balfour
Song: “Galvanize”
Artist: Chemical Brothers

Analysis: There is no better combo that Pap could have chosen. When the Fenway speaker blasts those first few chords of “Wild Thing” the place goes apeshit. And if Dropkick doesn’t pump you up then you have issues
Advantage: Boston by and landslide.

There you have it. Boston wins 4-3. Heard it here first.

While we’re predicting things…

Upset Special:
I had a dream last night that David Ortiz hit an opposite-field 8th inning homer to give the Sox the lead in Game 5. There were a couple inconsistencies, like the game was held at the Trop and not Fenway (which leads me to think it was supposed to be Game 6 or 7) and he hit it from the right side of the plate. I don’t know what this all means, but keep your eyes peeled for some Papi heroics.

Which leads me to…

Week 7 NFL Picks
Chargers PK over BILLS
CHIEFS +8.5 over Titans
Steelers -9.5 over BENGALS
DOLPHINS -3 over Ravens
BEARS -3.5 over Vikings
Saints +3 over PANTHERS
Lock of the Week: Cowboys -7 over RAMS
GIANTS -11 over 49ers
TEXANS -9 over Lions
Jets -3 over RAIDERS
WTF Game of the Week: Browns+7.5 over REDSKINS
Colts -1.5 over PACKERS
BUCS -10.5 over Seahawks
Broncos +3 over PATRIOTS (don’t judge me)

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2007 ALCS:

Game 1:
Boston 10
Cleveland 3

Game 2:
Cleveland 13
Boston 6

Game 3:
Cleveland 4
Boston 2

Game 4:
Cleveland 7
Boston 3

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LIVE FROM ST. PETE!

As much as I wanted to head down to my old stomping grounds for the first 2 games of the ALCS I just couldn’t pull it off. Lets just say I am not exactly in the best financial situation right now, and it has nothing to do with bad mortgages or the stock market (more like Vegas and the NFL). But don’t worry about me, this site brings in plenty for me to live comfortably.

Instead of making the trip myself, I sent one of Sports Fan Paradise’s undercover correspondents to the Trop to cover Game 2 for the blog.

Who would have thought. Next thing I know Abram will get knocked out of the RR/RW Challenge before Gay Ryan. Oh wait.

Besides watching the Sox win, Ferg’s is the best part about attending a Rays game. Think Cask’n'Flagon only 3 times the size, half of it is outdoors, the beers cost $1 and the waitresses make Hooters girls look prude.

Real fucking clever. You’d think they had won something in the past decade.

I’m not going to bash the Rays in this column, because they are obviously a good team. They’re young, they’re talented, and they’re confident. Its a scary combination. I’d rather face the heart of any other order than Upton-Longoria-Crawford right now.

But I will bash their stadium and their fans. Its the shittiest place in America to watch a baseball game, and their fans are as fake, dumb, and obnoxious. We’re just drunk and obnoxious. Theres a difference.

Thank you Rays fans! Thanks for attending games now they we made the 2nd round of the playoffs!

The anti-Fenway. I’m serious. Have you ever been to Strike 1 in Danvers? How about an indoor driving range? Thats what the Trop is like. Its like an enormous billboard storage facility with green carpeting and a baseball game a few times a week.

Until September the fish got more attention than the team. Now its about 50/50.

And as a side note, could you ever imagine Henry & Co. putting anything this distracting in Fenway? Not a chance.

Thats just about as stereotypical as you get.

Good to see the business I started is still up and running.

OK, time to make fun of some “fans”…

Those aren’t wigs, its just how they roll down in the F-L-A. I’m serious.

Name 2 players on the team. Go. Do it. #1 fan my ass.

Fenway has a smoking section, the Trop has a retard section. No big deal.

If I’m his principal I suspend him too. Little punk.

The guy in the black cut-off pretty much sums up what it means to be a Devil Rays fan:
1) Look at my ARMS!
2) Look how PUMPED I am!
3) Look how I am paying attention to the jumbo-tron and not the field!

Q: Whats the difference between a guy from Jersey and a guy from Tampa?
A: A bad tan.

MORE COWBELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I ride my skateboard all day because my Dad doesn’t love me enough to play catch with me, but he just bought me this $100 jersey and a foam finger so I guess I’m a baseball fan now.”

(And can somebody please tell Luis Rivera to put the guns away)

And finally, a picture of the fans that I remember from my last trip to St. Pete, back when the Rays were in last place:

On her tombstone it will say:
Ethel Rosenstein
1920-2017
“She never lived long enough to see the Rays go to the World Series.”

So what if they lost the game in extra innings? We don’t start trying in the ALCS until we’re down at least 3-1.

Don’t get down on yourselves Sox fans. And remember…

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NFL Picks Week 6

There comes a time in a man’s life when he needs to take a break. It can happen in relationships, work, anything really. Well right now I need a break from football. The last two weeks left me feeling like a little bitch prisoner on Oz. I am looking over the lines for this week and my mojo is nowhere to be found. I’m lost. The NFL has been so ass-backwards this year that a 7-7 week would feel like a victory.

The problem is, here at Sports Fan Paradise there are no bye weeks. I promised I would pick every game this season, and I intend to keep that promise. But the truth is that my mind is in sunny St. Petersburg FL tonight, and I am completely focused on this ALCS. So, to keep me from actually using strategy and thinking about these match-ups in football terms, I have decided to pick the games based on which mascot would win in a death match. Why not?

The Picks…(home team in caps)

Raiders +7 over SAINTS
The saint would be raped and pillaged before he could even say a Hail Mary.

COLTS -4 over Ravens
The Raven would definitely get his shots in and piss off the horse (say, for 3 quarters) but eventually the horse gets in a good kick and then, bam, crow pie.

JETS -7.5 over Bengals
Hmm, this is a tough one since a bengal would certainly maul a jet pilot, but you need to think about it in terms of a jet crash landing on to a tiger. The tiger is dead.

*Note = The Jets are the only team in professional sports named after inanimate objects, so this conundrum shouldn’t be a factor for the remainder of the column.

Panthers +1.5 over BUCS
If a Raider is a bad-ass pirate than a Buccaneer is a gay pirate. Even with the sword I think the panther goes all Siegfried and Roy on them.

VIKINGS -13.5 over Lions
Another tricky one. I’m assuming that the Viking is wearing all the armor and has a huge ax like the troll in LOTR. After seeing that youtube video of the lion hugging his former owners I can’t give them the nod over an armored guy with a huge ax.

Bears -3 over FALCONS
The Colt/Raven precedent is a factor here. While a falcon is more of a “bird of prey” than a raven, I am still going with the Bears. If falcons could successfully hunt animals bigger than rabbits then they would. And they don’t.

TEXANS -3 over Dolphins
Even though most people who live in Texas own a gun, they can leave it at home for this fight. I don’t see how a dolphin could do anything in a fight. They have absolutely no offensive weapon. (Unless if you count snapping the ball directly to Ronnie Brown. That seems to work.)

REDSKINS -13.5 over Rams
I wouldn’t want to piss off a ram, but Native Americans have been taking down buffalo since white people were still living in Europe. And a buffalo is a lot bigger than a ram. A quick arrow to the eye and a spear to the heart and its over.

Jaguars +3.5 over BRONCOS
Its tough for any animal to beat a bronco in mile high, but I think the Jags have the speed and teeth to do it. This is definitely the toughest match-up to pick so far, but from what I can remember from the Discovery Channel jaguars are carnivores that kill in packs. Broncos are just horses that eat hay and get pissed off every once in a while.

Eagles -4.5 over 49ERS
For my uneducated readers, a “49er” is someone who panned for gold out west in the mid-1800s. They had no weapons. An eagle would fuck them up.

Lock of the Week:
Cowboys -5 over CARDINALS
Guy with a gun vs. a bird that eats worms and is bright red so it cannot blend into anything.

Packers +2 over SEAHAWKS
Seahawks are birds of semi-prey (which means they eat fish…sort of like those half-assed vegetarians who eat chicken). Still, to work in the Wisconsin meat packing factories means that you have to be tough, and some weak harbor bird isn’t going to get the best of them.

Patriots +5 over CHARGERS
Guy with a musket vs. the .00016% chance that he gets struck by lightning. I’ll take my chances.

Giants -8 over BROWNS
I am not 100% sure what exactly the “Giants” refer to, but the Wiki answer is that they were named after big people. The Browns were named after Paul Brown, who is dead. I’ll take the big dude over the dead dude 7 days a week.

Last Week: 5-7
Season: 33-38
Simmons: 37-34

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