Archive for November, 2008

A television show isn’t really a television show until it makes this blog, and a great television show cannot be truly great unless it becomes the theme of a SportsFanParadise Power Ranking.

Ladies and gentleman, HBO’s True Blood has just became a great television show.

As always, fans of football will be able to learn something about the show, fans of the show will learn something about the NFL, fans of both will love it and fans of neither can go read someone else’s blog.

Non-Spoiler Alert: Since most of you aren’t on the bloodwagon yet I won’t reveal too much past episode 1, so please feel free to assault your On Demand this weekend and catch up.

Here we go, worst to first…

The Maudette Pickins Division
These teams are dead. They were pretty useless when they were alive, but now they are completely and utterly dead.

32. Detroit Lions

31. Kansas City Chiefs

30. St. Louis Rams

29. Cincinnati Bengals

28. Oakland Raiders

The Bill Compton Division
These teams are also dead, and they have been for quite some time. They still show up every week though, but only hurt people who are so bad that they really deserve it.

27. San Francisco 49ers

26. Seattle Seahawks

25. Houston Texans

24. Cleveland Browns

The Jason Stackhouse Division
They are all pretty good looking teams, but mildly retarded. It seems that no matter how much you want to like them they just keep screwing up.

23. Denver Broncos

22. Jacksonville Jaguars

21. San Diego Chargers

20. New Orleans Saints

The Tara Thornton Division
These are all teams that you do not want to mess with. They can spit fire, but are ultimately handicapped by the demon inside them (in this case, their inept head coach).

19. Philadelphia Eagles

18. Buffalo Bills

17. Minnesota Vikings

16. Chicago Bears

The Adele “Granny” Stackhouse Division
Everybody loves these teams, you just can’t help it. Can also be called the “feel good story” division. But for some reason I just don’t think they will make it very far.

15. Green Bay Packers

14. Miami Dolphins

13. Carolina Panthers

12. Arizona Cardinals

11. Baltimore Ravens

10. Washington Redskins

9. Atlanta Falcons

The Sam Merlotte Division
These teams will all be key players down the stretch. The question is whether or not they will be heroes or just turn out to be dogs. They each control their own destiny but have required a transformation to return to championship form.

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

7. Dallas Cowboys

6. Pittsburgh Steelers

5. New England Patriots

The Sookie Stackhouse Division
These teams seem to be the chosen ones. They have powers that the others do not. They’re special.

4. Tennessee Titans

3. New York Jets

2. Indianapolis Colts

1. New York Giants

Share on Facebook

The traffic jam atop the Big 12 South and the BCS Standings is confusing a lot of people, but I don’t see the confusion. Texas beat Oklahoma, Oklahoma beat Texas Tech and Texas Tech beat Texas.

Lets look at all 3 games though:

If you combine the points that each team put up over the 3 games the final scores breaks down like this:

Oklahoma: 100
Texas: 78
Texas Tech: 60

Margin of victory?
Oklahoma: 44
Texas: 10
Texas Tech: 6

Yet somehow Texas sits atop Oklahoma based on a hard-fought 10 point win they had in Austin 2 months ago. Doesn’t seem right to me. Anyone think we should have a playoff?

Share on Facebook

Thanks to Le’Ron McClain’s last minute touchdown to run the score up on the Eagles I am now 5/8ths of the way to a $1,000 parlay. I’ve never done an 8-teamer before…I may have still been drunk this morning, not sure. Either way, if you’re looking for something to pull for during the 4:00 games then throw your support behind Denver -8, Carolina +1 and Washington -3.5.

Share on Facebook

by Josh Bard, Stat Boy For A Day (11/20/08)

So here’s the scene: I am at a bar Saturday night in DC, talking to a pretty girl, which means full-on use of negs, DHV’s and other tidbits I’ve learned from The Pick-up Artist. From the corner of my eye, I can see on the bar TV that BC is beating down FSU and realize I need to check the Oklahoma State score. I pull out my phone, check the score, and look up just in time to see said chick rolling her eyes at my frustration that they aren’t covering. Now I realize its a little lame to be at a bar, talking to a girl, and wondering if Oklahoma State is going to beat Colorado by 16.5, but I get that “oh-you’re-betting-on-sports” eye roll all the time, and I’m starting to get a little sick of it.

There is a huge double standard in this country between wagering on sports and wagering on the economy, or as you may have heard the newspeople call it, playing the stock market. But in the end, stocks and Wall Street are all just fancy-speak for gambling. Now I’m not a business school graduate but I understand the basics of the biz. The cornerstone idea being that when you buy stock in a company, you are gambling that your share or stake in them will do well. You are risking your money that a specific entity will perform better than others.

I also think an answer lies in the government’s involvement in each. Gambling on sports is illegal in the US, outside of Las Vegas, while you will find no across the board restrictions on investing. The problem is that the government reaps ridonculous yields from the country’s investments (sans that whole bailout thing nowadays). The government is fueled by a good economy and heavy demand for stocks because it means that its companies are performing well. The value of companies and the value of the work they do, drives up the dollar value and our government’s worth. Then, if you should “win” money from your investments, don’t think you get the entire sum without seeing part of it chopped off for taxes. Captain Hadley knew it in Shawshank Redemption when he said “Uncle Sam. Reaching into your shirt and squeezing your tit til it’s purple.” I’m not saying that the government should get in bed with gambling and then tax winnings but if it led to legalizing sports gambling, it might be worth a try. It’s not like its any less noble of a business than the lottery.

Share on Facebook

Logan Mankins

Talk about versatility. This guy pulls off a Johnnycakes handlebar stache like a champ, then goes full on lumberjack. This goes to prove once and for all that there is nothing more intense than a playoff beard that starts at the beginning of the season. I can picture the scene in the Mankins household circa September 2007. Logan doesn’t feel like shaving one morning so he turns to his wife and says “Honey, I don’t think I’m going to shave until we lose a game.”

“OK dear.”

Share on Facebook

I was going to write a column gushing about our midget superman, but I think I’ll just revisit my column from August 31st of this year:

8/31/2008:

* Its about that time again. No, not just the time when football starts (Keep an eye out for my Week 1 Picks on Wednesday) but the time when “M-V-P…M-V-P” chants begin to rain down at MLB stadiums. This year the chants at Fenway are not for David Ortiz, but instead for the smallest of the Red Sox. And Dustin Pedroia deserves it.

The numbers don’t lie and neither does Sports Fan Paradise: Pedroia is the best candidate for the American League MVP award, and here are some of DP’s stats to prove it…

.327 - batting average, which leads the league.

185 - hits, the most in baseball.

106 - runs scored, the most in baseball.

17 - stolen bases. He has only been caught once.

.990 - Pedey’s fielding percentage. He has been filthy this season.

Nobody will even be able to make a good case for guys like Justin Morneau, K-Rod, or some schmuck on the Rays, especially considering the fact that DP is on pace for 200+ hits, 75 RBIs, 20 Stolen bases and a batting title.

And to think, we were all ready to give up on this guy 16 months ago and have Alex Cora play everyday.

* I also have strong feelings about the N.L. award. While Brandon Webb and Tim Lincecum have certainly turned in the best season-long pitching performances in the Senior Circuit, and deserve to compete for the Cy Young award, CC Sabathia gets my vote for MVP.

Think about it, when the Brewers aquired Sabathia in July they were a game behind St. Louis for the NL Wild Card. Today they sit 5.5 games up. If these guys make the playoffs I don’t see how CC doesn’t win the award. The “front runners” to win MVP are probably Chase Utley, Albert Pujols, Lance Berkman and Hanley Ramirez, but if the season ended today none of these guys would make the playoffs.

In his time with Milwaukee Sabathia has pitched in 11 games. His stats? 9 wins, 6 of them complete games, 85 strikeouts and a 1.43 ERA. Like I said, Webb and Lincecum each put an entire season together and deserves the Cy, but what CC has been more valuable to the Brewers in 2 months than most any other player has been all season.

* While we’re at it, why don’t we get out September 1st Baseball Award Predictions out of the way. I was 6 for 8 last year and going for the sweep.

A.L. MVP
Pedroia

N.L. MVP
Who should win: Sabathia
Who will win: Pujols

A.L Cy Young
Cliff Lee

N.L. Cy Young
Brandon Webb

A.L. Rookie of the Year
Evan Longoria

N.L. Rookie of the Year
Geovanny Soto

A.L. Manager of the Year
The Winner of the East
(If the Rays pull this off then Maddon has to get it, but if the Sox can catch them, considering all the injures and the Manny bullshit, it has to go to Tito)

N.L. Manager of the Year
Lou Pinella

You read that correctly. Besides picking Brandon Webb for NY Cy Young instead of Tim Lincecum (Webby had a tough stretch the beginning of September), I nailed everything. Both managers, both ROYs, both MVPs and the obvious Cliff Lee pick. Maybe I should stick to predicting baseball awards and lay off NFL picks for a while.

Share on Facebook

ESPN - Mercury Morris was a vocal critic of the New England Patriots when they were on their quest for perfection last year. But the unofficial spokesman for the 1972 Dolphins — the NFL’s last unbeaten team — said he’s a fan of the Tennessee Titans, the last undefeated team of 2008.

“If the Titans show up [in the Super Bowl with a perfect record], they would be exactly like we were. Nobody believed after the 10th game, the 12th game, the 16th game,” Morris said on ESPN’s First Take on Monday.

The 1972 Dolphins, who went 14-0 and then won three playoff games, are the last team to go undefeated. Morris rushed for 1,000 yards and 12 touchdowns that season.

The Titans improved to 10-0 Sunday with a 24-14 victory at Jacksonville. New England finished the regular season 16-0 in 2007 but lost in the Super Bowl against the New York Giants, failing to finish undefeated.

“The Patriots, you people were crowning them after the second game and the season was a formality. I kept trying to tell you,” Morris said on First Take.

The Titans’ next game Sunday is against the AFC East-leading New York Jets. After games against the Lions, Browns and Texans, Tennessee finishes with two tough tests: hosting the AFC North-leading Steelers and facing their AFC South rival Colts in the final week.

So Mercury Morris thinks that the ‘08 Titans are a better squad than the ‘07 Patriots? I don’t get it. I’m starting to believe that Morris took the fall for some ESPN big-wig in a 1980s cocaine trial. Why else would the Worldwide Leader keep putting a microphone in front of this guys face? Mercury is to football as Flavor Flav was to hip-hop: at one time they managed to sneak their way on to a good team, but they have no credibility whatsoever.

Share on Facebook

SportsFanParadise was able to locate a copy of the memo that got the entire operation pulled. I can’t believe it even made it this far in the planning stage, its way too funny for ESPN.

ESPN
Promo
SAG
PAY RATE: SAG PROMO RATE

Director: Matt Aselton
Casting Director: ERICA PALGON
Interview: Thurs 11/13 and Fri 11/14, Mon 11/17
Fitting: 11/21
Shoot: 11/24, 25
Location: New York

SUBMIT ELECTRONICALLY LIZ LEWIS CASTING PARTNERS

EVERYONE MUST BE STRONG WITH COMEDY/IMPROV. PLEASE WRITE ANY ADDITIONAL NOTES, IN THE NOTES PAGE, ABOUT ACTOR’S COMEDIC/IMPROV EXPERIENCE/TRAINING, THAT WOULD BE HELPFUL IN LOOKING THROUGH SUBMISSIONS

All roles are ages 18-22 yrs old. WITH THE EXCEPTION of PERDUE.

The concept: The spots take place in the ESPN College Basketball Call Center (CBBCC). All of these guys are there representing their schools, calling people on the phone to get them to watch more College Basketball. Basically they are selling college basketball.

SEEKING:

[ DUKE UNIVERSITY ]

MALE. Our guy for Duke UNIVERSITY is a smart, with it, young WHITE male. He’s handsome. He’s from money. He is, in short, the kind of guy, everyone can’t stand. He is the kind of guy everyone wants to be.

[ NORTH CAROLINA ]

FEMALE. She’s a Southern bell. She is the counterpoint to Duke. Being young and pretty everyone wants to be around her. She’s charming. Not a dingbat, she’s sharp.

[ TEXAS ]

MALE. Straight out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, Texas is a young man’s man. He is the kind of guy that could field dress a deer and then take you to the debutante ball in 20. Polite, farm boy. He’s good at everything. Except call centering.

[ KANSAS ]

MALE. Kansas is straight off the farm. However, he takes great pains to point out that Kansas is very cosmopolitan, as witnessed by their record, their burgeoning tech industry, and their hybrid corns (bonus: modified by fish genes!)

[ CONNECTICUT ]

MALE. Connecticut is all things Connecticut. He’s a little bit older. He’s a little bit thicker around the waist. He’s WHITE. He’s also competitive. Very. Waspy, blue blood.

[ OKLAHOMA ]

MALE. Oklahoma is awesome and he thinks everything is awesome. He’s very enthusiastic about all things call center and all things life and he wants to share this contagious enthusiasm with everyone he meets. Wide-eyed, as naive as they come.

[ LOUISVILLE ]

MALE. Louisville is very true to place. He’s short. He’s HISPANIC. And one day he hopes to carry on in proud Louisville tradition and race thoroughbreds.

[ TENNESSEE ]

FEMALE. Tennessee is orange crazy. The ice tray in her orange fridge, that freezes the water she dyes orange, is that orange. The party girl cowboy hat she wears is a white and orange zebra print. The tattoo on her lower back is Pantone 3 for that Tennessee orange. The only thing that’s not orange is her dog, which is the mascot Smokey. Did we mention she’s crazy? A slutty girl who would hang out at the cowgirl hall of fame.

[ PURDUE ]

MALE. Child prodigy. 14-year-old. Or open to an 18-year-old who looks 14. Aeronautical engineering. Wiz kid. Think McLovin from Superbad.

[ VILLANOVA ]

MALE. Villanova is the poor man’s Duke — he’s not quite as handsome, he’s not quite as rich, he’s not quite as dapper. After 2 or 3 beers though, who cares? As he’s friendly enough.

[ NOTRE DAME ]

MALE He’s an ASIAN kid who is in to all things Notre Dame, ridiculously so. Oh, and he’s always fighting. Every time we encounter him he always has some words or another, be it the faint traces of a black eye, or a scab or whatever. He epitomizes the fightin’ Irish.

[ PITTSBURGH ]

FEMALE. Pittsburgh is a tomboy. She obviously grew up in the neighborhood and isn’t going to take any guff from anyone and she’ll wallop you in the eye with a crowbar if you suggest different. So don’t. Think Tina Fey type.

[ SYRACUSE ]

MALE. Jewish kid from Long Island that is loving the college experience. It has opened up a world he never knew existed. All you can eat buffets in the cafeteria — who knew? To Syracuse, everything is a party.

[ GEORGETOWN ]

FEMALE. Georgetown, a 4.36 GPA who’s lived in 9 world-class cities, but all the time in her sister’s shadow (her GPA is 4.37). She’s sort of the female Duke, except most people like her. Think Reese Witherspoon.

[ GONZAGA ]

MALE. No one knows what Gonzaga looks like because no one knows where to find him. He is still stuck in the grunge look, reckless, in from the wild. Flannel look. Chews tobacco. Guy that would go to school in the Pacific Northwest.

[ MARQUETTE ]

FEMALE. Marquette, on a scale of 1-10, she’s a six. A B-, C in every category you can define a person by. Her defining characteristic is you don’t really remember her. You’re not breaking your arm to get to her, but you’re not chewing it off to get away. She does have a winning personality though. Midwest, sweet girl.

[ MICHIGAN STATE ]

MALE. Blue collar to the core. Michigan State is one tough kid that grew up by putting a few down. That’s just Michigan State’s way. Big beefy kid.

[ MEMPHIS ]

MALE. What can we say about Memphis? He’s a southern BLACK kid, really culinary and polite. He’s artistic, and draws comic books really well.

[ MARYLAND ]

MALE. He plays lacrosse. A dude. Low key. Mid Atlantic, wears baseball hats and chinos.

[ OHIO STATE ]

MALE. He looks like Jim Tressle (head coach of Ohio State football) in the dress code. Red sweater vest. Always. Doesn’t care for swearing either — of course we never really test this out as they are commercial advertisements and no one swears in them, but it’s true nevertheless. A Republican.

[ ILLINOIS ]

MALE. African-American. Young Obama. Think Toofer-the straight-laced, Harvard grad writer from 30 Rock (Keith Powell)

[ OKLAHOMA STATE ]

FEMALE. She’s a fun loving girl, Oklahoma born and bred. Decided not to travel out of State so she should be closer to home. She’s a flirt. She’s a hot chick.

[ TEXAS A&M ]

MALE. True to the region, Texas A&M is one tough dude. He’s not big physically, but he is imposing. He’s an ROTC kid and his 100-yard stare lets you know it.

[ BAYLOR ]

MALE & FEMALE. Baylor is not one people but two. It’s a couple. In fact, we’re not even sure which one goes to Baylor. We only know they are madly in love. Their world is each other, which is really sweet or really sickening, depending. Think Sheri Oteri and Will Farrell as the cheerleaders.

thanks to fawn for the tip

Share on Facebook

Brett Favorite, Mangina and the Jets come to Foxboro tonight to try and take the division lead from the Patriots. The crazy thing is, some people think they have a chance (drunk idiots from Long Island, one of my coworkers and Chris Mortensen).

So what if we have had a few injuries? Name a team that hasn’t. So what if our starting QB went down 5 minutes into the season? So what if he was the best player on the planet? So what if we lost our best defensive back (and team leader) for the season (and probably his career)? So what if our starting running back is on IR and both of his backups are out too? So what if we just lost our best linebacker for the week, and possibly the season? WHO NEEDS ‘EM???

We will win the Belichick way. That means not making any trades or picking up any free agents with names people recognize. We will play with the players we have and those players will make plays. So for those of you who aren’t fanatics and will probably change the channel a few times tonight to catch The Office, here is a quick rundown of some of the faces you can expect to see making plays for the Pats tonight, assuming you already know Matt Cassel:

#59 Gary Guyton
Position: Linebacker
Replaced: Tedy Bruschi, any other LB that needs a breather
School: Georgia Tech
Mom’s Name: Janice
Specialty: Run and short pass coverage. Fast for his size.

#42 BenJarvus Jeremy Green-Ellis
Position: Runningback
Replaced: Laurence Maroney, Sammy Morris, Lamont Jordan
School: Ole Miss
Mother’s Name: Latonia
Specialty: Making people say “Cedric Cobbs WHO?”

#24 Jonathan Wilhite
Position: DB
Replaced: Everyone who has gotten burned (Deltha Airlines)
School: Auburn
Mother’s Name: Glenda Miley
Specialty: Good open-field tackler

#58 Pierre Woods
Position: Linebacker
Replaced: Adaleus Thomas
School: Michigan
Wife’s Name: Doris
Specialty: Pass rushing

Well if that doesn’t look like a police line-up from The Wire then I don’t know what does. (Sorry, couldn’t help it)

So what does all this mean? Nothing. Kibosh. Squadoodle. There is no way the Jets win this game. McCain has a better chance of making a late surge in North Carolina and overtaking Obama. I already bet a Capone’s steak & cheese on it and emptied a quarter of mine and Bardo’s betting account on the Pats -3.

I feel like every time Eric Mangina pulls some shit Belichick must start ranting like Jack Woltz in The Godfather: “You don’t understand. Eric Mangini will never beat me. This win would be perfect for him, it’ll make him a great coach, and I’m gonna run him out of the league - and let me tell you why: Eric Mangini ruined my reputation. For three years we had him under contract - acting as a coordinator, spying on other teams, filming their plays from the sidelines. I spent hundreds of hours mentoring him. I was gonna make him a great coach. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I’m not a hard-hearted man, and that it’s not all wins and losses: He was a great football mind; he was smart. He was the greatest protege I’ve ever had, and I’ve had them all over football. And then Week 1 of last season comes along and he turns me in for cheating. He threw his reputation away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position can’t afford to be made to look ridiculous! Now you get the hell out of here. And you tell that goombah that if he wants to try any rough stuff then he can talk to Vince!”

I truly believe that: Eric Mangina never gets that big win. Not tonight, not ever. He will have to settle for fluke 3-point victory in 2006 as the only time he got the better of Belichick, only to have the Pats beat him by 20 in the playoffs that season.

(Note: I finally figured out what Favre looks like every time he passes the ball. Remember in elementary school when you would play football at recess and the bell would ring so you knew you only had 1 play left, and the QB would just close his eyes and chuck the ball? Yeah, that.)

As for the rest of Week 11…

You are reading the picks column of a renewed man. My 10-4 week has done wonders for my mojo. Not enough that I am proud of my 64-75 record, but certainly enough to propel my charge to .500. With that said, here goes something…

FALCONS -6 over Broncos
Taking the Saints last week was as big a blunder as I have made all year. I try to repent today.

Upset Special:
CHIEFS +5.5 over Saints
Arrowhead Fucking Stadium.

DOLPHINS -10.5 over Raiders
I love me that Wildcat offense.
Love it.

GIANTS -7 over Ravens
I really really like Baltimore to keep this close and make a run. I’d take them +10 but not +7…I’m probably playing for a push.

COLTS -8 over Texans
I know that not all of these homers will cover, but I can’t for the life of me figure out which ones won’t. Houston plays Indy tough, but the Colts just beat a Steelers team in Pittsburgh that is 10 points better than the Texans.

Titans -3 over JAGUARS
Bardo says that Jax plays good teams tough, but that Tennessee just wins. I’m with him.

PACKERS -3.5 over Bears
These teams have played each other so much its like watching Ric Flair wrestle Hulk Hogan. They both suck, one is perceived to be better, but its anyone’s match.

Lock of the Week: Eagles -9 over BENGALS
Brian Westbrook has something to prove and Philly always seems to crush bad teams.

Lions +14 over PANTHERS
This has 29-6 written all over it but I don’t like anybody -14 this year.

Vikings +3.5 over BUCS
We are entering a period where I believe Adrian Peterson will start completely dominating.

Rams +6 over 49ERS
Gross.

Cardinals -3 over SEAHAWKS
Sure…

STEELERS -5 over Chargers
Bounce-back game.

REDSKINS +1.5 over Cowboys
Romo is back, but they need to prove a lot before I get back on that wagon again.

BILLS -5 over Browns
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…

Share on Facebook

So Slim has like $10 on Central Michigan straight up over Northern Illinois and apparently I think that this qualifies as a legit reason to stay up until midnight to watch the end of this overtime battle.

Anyway, the CMU Chippewas ended up winning on a field goal by Andrew Aguila. There is nothing special about him except for his aggressive Zorro-stache which had catapulted him into the BFHIS Tournament of 2008.

You be the judge, your comments will decide on how far this kid goes.

Share on Facebook