Archive for January, 2009

Whenever I go into the bathroom and take a shit at work I feel like Miles from Lost walking over a spot where someone died. I can sense that terrible things have happened there.

Anyway, here are some links to keep you busy on Super Friday…

If you know me you know I’m a Sporcle fiend, and this may be my favorite game yet: Long live Oregon Trail! (And if you want to play it old school, click here)

Wondering whatever happened to the “Macho Man” Randy Savage? Well he’s still alive, and he’s taking over the internet. If you think I’m not going as him again next year and updating the costume then you don’t know squat. Oooooohhhhhh yeeeaaaaaahhhhh.

For those of you who don’t care about living past 50, I give you the Bacon Explosion. This has Big Sexy written all over it.

Sometimes when I’m bored at work I watch people on Segways take diggers. Today is one of those days. This has always been my favorite Segway face-plant, but today I found a compilation. Enjoy.

As far as I’m concerned, Stuff White People Like has been one of the 10 funniest blogs around for a while. But like Rick Reilly learning about Beirut, CNN is catching on to a hot new blog…about 2 years late.

The Paul Shirley of college hoops. This kid is hilarious, good stuff here.

I’m not all that excited for the game, but I’m definitely pumped for Bruce’s 12-minute party.

Razzball: Fantasy baseball advice with a twist. Funny shit.

My internet dating experiment was a waste of time. eDisharmony is the way to go…might as well cut to the chase, right?

For you L O S T addicts: Lostpedia.wiki.com is the ONLY website you should ever look at for Lost knowledge. Its not a blog and does not include opinions. No spoilers and no dork predictions. Just cold hard facts that you might have missed over the last 4+ seasons. Read this and then this and tell me your mind isn’t blown.

Ever taken a test and just had no clue of the answer? Are you one of the guys who perfected a symbol for true/false tests that was a hybrid of a T and an F? Well here are some people who flunked with dignity.

Best site for sports headlines. According to an inside source this is where the PTI guys get the news.

And finally the Picture of the Day. I’m not providing any commentary other than saying that its nice to see our criminals taking more of a role in the political process:

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If anyone wants to order me one for my birthday (3/27) I won’t complain

Thanks to Big Sexy for the tip

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by Mike, Bardo and Karaoke Craig

Can you believe it? 99 more in the bag since our 100th post celebration in early July. By post #300 this thing will be live and we will be raking in the dough. I’m serious. Really, I am. Until then, enjoy 100 things that the 3 of us can’t stand about the world of sports.

(Note: The Yankees are not included because 3rd place teams don’t evoke emotions)

100. The two week break before the Super Bowl
99. Athletes coming out of retirement more than once
98. Temporary greens
97. Frank TV promos
96. Raising banners for anything less than a championship
95. Guys who take co-ed intramural sports too seriously
94. The current state of heavyweight boxing
93. The fact that standard pub food is ridiculously easy and cheap to make, but at ballparks it tends to be both shitty and overpriced.
92. NFL overtime rules
91. Dan Shaughnessy
90. Going to a minor league baseball game that seems more like a summer camp for pre-adolescents. Between the herd of cartoony mascots promoting healthy gums brought to you by Crest, the haircut contest, the “catch six foam baseballs shot by a slingshot in your oversized sweatpants and win a gift certificate” contest, the “Meet Spongebob on the main concourse” promotion, the inflatable obstacle course behind the right-field wall, and the “cheer for which Nickelback or Avril song will be played after the next half inning” game. Can’t we go to a game and be drunken, obnoxious, foul-mouthed grown-ups anymore?
89. Icing
88. The Slam Dunk contest since the mid-90s (minus Dwight Howard and Vince Carter)
87. That they canceled Sports Night
86. Tropicana Field
85. Losing the last game of a big parlay
84. Spike Lee
83. That if you went to a D-III or D-II college, or a mid-major/D-IAA school, no one you bump into will know enough about how well your football team’s doing to make small talk about it. This includes your fellow alumni.
82. How long it takes for refs to review obvious plays
81. Celebrities or politicians who throw out the first pitch and can’t reach the plate
80. Beth in the RR/RW challenges
79. Al Davis
78. Slow-rolling the nuts
77. Mercury Morris
76. Following a spare with a gutter ball
75. 99% of Super Bowl commericals
74. Paying for parking
73. That Ben Affleck only attends Sox games if its an ESPN Sunday Night Game of the Week.
72. Windy days for wiffleball
71. Penalty kicks deciding a game you care about, endless overtimes deciding a game you don’t
70. When your star pitcher gets injured during the World Baseball Classic
69. The Manning Family
68. NC State fans pretending that they are Duke or UNC
67. Corporate stadium naming rights
66. That clear face-protector thing that some NBA players wear
65. Kurt Warner’s wife
64. The deflation of baseball cards
63. Getting screwed in the NBA draft lottery
62. People from places like Tampa pretending to care about sports
61. NBA Eurotrash facial hair
60. The San Diego Chargers
59. People who hedge their bets
58. Stadiums that won’t let you tailgate more than 2 hours before the game
57. The Baseball Hall of Fame voting process
56. Rick Reilly
55. Pre-season rankings
54. Networks cutting away from a close NFL game in the 4th quarter
53. Woody Paige
52. Skip Bayless
51. People who bounce pitches in kickball
50. Male cheerleaders
49. Guys who enforce PGA rules during a friendly game
48. When people try and put their own spin on the national anthem
47. Offensive fouls in NBA video games
46. Idiots who call sports radio talk shows and propose asinine trades
45. When you have a guy’s jersey and he gets traded
44. College stadiums that don’t sell beer
43. D3: The Mighty Ducks
42. Jamie Gold
41. Floppers
40. The fact that no matter how much they say otherwise, deep down, 99 percent of pro athletes don’t give a shit about the city they play for.
39. Being told to sit down during a game
38.”NIT Champions” t-shirts
37. Chris Berman’s “Whooop!”
36. Stuart Scott’s lazy eye
35. The Pro Bowl
34. People who root for their fantasy team over their home team
33. People with more than 2 fantasy football teams
32. Duke
31. Guys who wear third-party or wrong-sport jerseys to games
30. Games ending in a tie
29. Owners relocating teams
28. Broadcasts that cut away when someone runs out on the field
27. Dick Vitale
26. Foam fingers
25. Thundersticks
24. Cowbells
23. Rally Monkeys
22. The Gaylord Meinekee Car Care PapaJohns.com Meaningless Bowl
21. When the dealer Blackjacks
20. Tim Tebow
19. The Steve Harvey Show
18. When actors in sports movies can’t throw or swing
17. Adult autograph seekers
16. Alcohol-free golf courses
15. The fact that ESPN will fire someone for going against The Man, but will throw a microphone in front of any non-employee who will say something controversial (See #77)
14. Agents
13. The fact that the NFL reserves the right to black out games that aren’t sell-outs, thereby crippling the ability of fans to inflict market forces on ever-rising ticket prices.
12. When a torn ACL ruins a would-be championship season
11. Teams with 11 wins not making the NFL playoffs
10. Out-of-touch newspaper writers
9. Pink Red Sox hats
8. Major League Soccer
7. NASCAR
6. The Tour de France
5. The WNBA
4. Brett Favre
3. Paying $8 for a beer
2. Bandwagon fans
1. The BCS

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For some reason sportsbook.com has disabled my account. They must have seen some of Bardo’s college basketball parlays and assumed fraudulent use. The tragedy is that I feel pretty good about today’s games. While I’m on hold with customer service I figured I’d share the knowledge so all can prosper. Here it goes, sans deep analysis:

Cardinals +160 money line over Eagles
Like Ricky Roma says in Glengarry Glen Ross: “I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion… If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way.”

Everyone in the country likes an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl. I think the Steelers edge out Baltimore in a close one, but I can’t get behind Philly. Lets forget that the Cardinals are the Cardinals and the Eagles have been generally a winning team for the last decade. The game is being played in 73 degree Phoenix today. Anquan Boldin is back, Larry Fitzgerald is better than ever, and nobody in their late 30s gets rid of the ball quicker than Kurt Warner. The ‘Zona run defense has been rock solid this postseason and Brian Westbrook is at about 70%. While I wouldn’t call Donovan McNabb a choke artist, I wouldn’t call him Robert Horry either. And don’t forget that Andy Reid is one of the worst late game play callers around. Whenever you can get odds on a home team that has been hot as hell you take it. Sorry Philly.

Ravens +6 over Steelers
Pitt by a late field goal. When you play a team for a 3rd time in a season there are few surprises.

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Slim sent me a link to the Top 33 according to The Beer Blog. Only the 10 were SFP-worthy:

10. The Redneck Grass Table

Nothing screams “A&M grad” like a grass table, and bouncing would be impossible, but it is aesthetically pleasing.

9. Hanging Table

It seems like more work than just folding up a table and putting it in a closet, but I suppose if you have a small room this is practical. As a side note, does anyone know anyone who went to URI? I just checked my Facebook account and while I have plenty of UMass, UVM, UNH and UConn friends I have exactly zero friends from URI. Can anybody explain this?

8. The Fire Pit Table

Heres the deal, I’m more than willing to bump this up to #1, but I need some details on how the hell it works. Wouldn’t the balls melt? Do you shoot over the fire? Wouldn’t it get too hot? You must only be able to play outside right? I love the ingenuity but there is way too many variables.

7. The Octagon

Eh. I suppose it looks cool, and theres obviously nothing else to do in Lansing then to construct shit, but does it work? What if everyone shoots at the same time, the balls are bound to collide. I hate people messing with me when I’m shooting, let alone 3 other balls being thrown across my line of site.

6. The Snow Table

I suppose if life gives you lemons, make a ‘rut table out of snow. I for one hate the winter, hate snow, and hate being cold. I don’t ski, snowboard, or make snowmen. If I were these guys I would play drinking games in my nice warm house, but thats just me.

5. The Sand Table

Ahhh, now thats more my speed. Now why the HELL didn’t we think of this on spring break last year!?! This has Karaoke Craig written all over it.

4. The Nebraska Hockey Table

I’m not a Cornhusker fan, but I have to admit this is pretty sick. Incorporating the sticks with the bottle caps is a nice touch, my boy Millspaugh is the only one I know who could construct something this nice.

3. The Patriots Table

What can I say? I’m a homer. I bet if I played a game of 47-cup beirut on this table with someone from Arizona I would win 47-7.

2. The Neon Ladies Table

Now we’re talkin’. I dare you to play on this table and not have a good time. This has P-A-R-T-Y written all over it.

1. The Beer Pour Table

I am a man impressed by craftsmanship, and this my friends is craftsmanship. The way the foam is flowing from the mug…Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Monet, they were talents, don’t get me wrong, but this…this truly belongs in a museum.

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WE’RE BACK! After my disappointing title defense in the MTV Challenge fantasy league this fall I am excited to get back on the horse. I still contend that if Abram hadn’t left The Island to close a business deal I would have taken it home. But I digress.

The Challenge is back in 2009 with a 2nd installment of The Duel, which for my money is the best format they have ever done. The rules are pretty straight forward and the smartest of the best competitors tend to win, which is how it should be. Challengers compete in a group challenge, which is predetermined as either a “male duel day” or a “female duel day.” Each challenge will have a male and a female winner. If it is a male day, then the female wins a prize and the male wins immunity from that night’s duel. He also gets to pick someone of the opposite sex (in this case female) who then picks a male who then picks a female until there is only 1 male standing. That person that doesn’t get picked then picks someone of the same sex, besides the winner of that day’s challenge, to go into the Duel with him.

Its as pure as it gets: you need to be friends with people and form alliances so they will pick you, but you can’t really dick people over or they will take you into the Duel. Once you’re in the Duel there is no bullshit, no alliances, no throwing missions, just mano-a-mano. The Duel brought us some of the craziest battles ever in the fall of ‘06, namely the pole wrestle between Wes and Derrick that left both competitors bloody and emotionally destroyed. It was awesome.

This year’s cast looks pretty solid, especially on the guys side. There are some really intriguing story lines. I have decided forgo my odds section and put out some old fashion power rankings. These rankings aren’t necessarily based on whether or not I think they have a chance to win, but more of a reflection of how long they will be able to stay on the show. The fact is, there is no way that Big E’s fat ass will ever win a final challenge, but that doesn’t mean anybody wants to call him out in a Duel. He’s fucking enormous. Plus he is a fun guy, and now that nobody needs to worry about him bringing down their team they will want to keep him around.

I have devised these rankings based on 3 factors: physical ability, intelligence, and popularity. This is pretty much all you need to succeed, and intelligence is a stretch at best.

First the gals…

1. Tori (RR: Viewer’s Revenge)
Despite this only being her 2nd challenge I’m pretty sure she will go a long way. She seems like a decent enough competitor, but her ace in the hole is her “relationship” with Brad. I’m not sure if they are still dating or not, but having one of the most beloved guys in your corner only helps in a challenge like this. People may say I’m crazy putting her at #1, but I’m going out on a limb.

2. Rachel (RR: Campus Crawl)
I was really high on Rachel before The Island, since she seemed like a perfect candidate to dominate (historically popular, lesbian personal trainer) but she didn’t live up to my expectations. Still, I don’t see many girls on this cast that can match her physically. With no Ev on the challenge (a damn shame) it looks like Rachel is the resident dyke.

3. Robin (RW: San Diego)
What is there to say about Robin that hasn’t been said before. She always has a chance in challenges like this because she has 20 lbs on every girl and nobody wants to face her in a Duel for fear of strength being a major component. Robin is on her 7th challenge and has never won. She is the Susan Lucci of RR/RW Challenges. Is this finally her year?

4. Jenn (RW: Denver)
I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it: Jenn is one tough bitch. She held her own in the Inferno 3 and showed that she can win face-offs and compete well in challenges. Heard it here first, Jenn is my sleeper.

5. Ruthie (RW: Hawaii)
Another competitor that we thought we would never see again. Ruthie was always the scrappiest female and despite her stature has kicked serious ass in past challenges. She is like the female Derrick, tough and likable. She is a recovering alcoholic, and last time I checked doesn’t drink, which can only be an advantage around this group of booze hounds.

6. Diem (Fresh Meat)
Diem has always been a pretty strong competitor, and everyone seems to have liked her a lot in the past. Apparently she broke up with CT since they last competed, which makes me a bit nervous. Either they are still tight and she can leverage the alliance, or she is going to have the games biggest bad ass trying to send her home.

7. Paula (RW: Key West)
She doesn’t have her boys on Kenny and Johnny Bananas on this challenge, so it looks like she will have to make some new friends. I think she is a decent competitor, slightly overrated and opportunistic, and has a chance to stay out of the Duels for a while, but as the lone Key Wester it will be really tough for her to win.

8. Katie (RR: The Quest)
Another scrapper, Katie joins Robin by tallying a record 7th challenge. Some people would tell her to get a real job, but I fully support her lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to get paid appearance fees for going on spring break, and then get flown down to a tropical island to party with your friends and climb around on jungle gyms? I’d give a kidney for the opportunity.

9. Shauvon (RW: Sydney)
This is her first challenge, and she left the RW show early, so I’m sort of green on what kind of talent she may have. I do know one thing about her though: she has gigantic fake breasts. And if I know anything about succeeding on a reality television show its that it helps to have gigantic fake breasts.

10. Aneesa (RW: Chicago)
From my June 2007 Inferno 3 preview:
I’m sick of Aneesa. She’s fat and slow and always getting hurt, but for some reason she doesn’t seem to have a clue as to how weak she is. “I’m a competitor” seems to be her slogan, and her logic for calling herself a valuable asset. What the hell does that mean? She can’t compete at anything, not successfully anyway.
I can’t believe she is on another one of these things.

11 & 12. Kimberly & Brittini (RW: Hollywood)
I didn’t watch their season at all so I know nothing about these two. I do know that they will have no friends, since neither was on The Island and they only have one cast mate on the challenge. I googled them and their pictures are less than impressive. Unless one of them starts boning CT right away they will probably find themselves in an early Duel.

13. Brooke (RW: Denver)
Yes, the girls I’ve never heard of are higher than Brooke. This ranking is because to win this challenge you need to win at least 1 Duel, and there is nobody that could lose to her in anything. Mental, physical, endurance, doesn’t matter. She is the weakest of the weak. She could lose to an inanimate object in half of the face-offs they had last season.

The Guys…

1. CT (RW: Paris)
Do I think that Chris Tamburello will win this challenge? No, I don’t. But these are power rankings and nobody brings more power to these challenges then CT. He has the experience, strength and lunatic attitude to win just about any event, and there is NO WAY any of these other guys will call him into a Duel. Not a chance.

2. Evan (Fresh Meat)
You have to assume that Evan has been taking cycle after cycle of steroids since last appearing on a challenge, and that he will be in tip-top shape. That said, he is still a manipulative idiot that can’t get laid on challenges, and he is without his wingman Kenny. The last time he did a Duel he was outsmarted by CT. How does that happen? He is a scary Duel opponent but I don’t see him pulling off a victory.

3. Brad (RW: San Diego)
Brad is tiny compared to most of these guys, so he enters this challenge as an underdog. He is the most beloved competitor west of Derrick which will help him get votes, and he has the veteran qualities to win challenges. I don’t like his chances against some of these big boys if they were to meet in a Duel, but if he can be outsmart his way to the finals I think he has the best chance to win.

4. Eric (Fresh Meat)
Again, this is a ranking system all about power, and Big Easy has plenty of it. There is a 0% chance he can win the final challenge, since Brad could beat him in an endurance test with 2 broken legs. I would put his odds at 100-1, but that doesn’t mean any of these guys want to go into a Duel with someone who could squat a car. The only reason he isn’t ranked #2 is because some of the Duels may be speed-oriented.

5. Landon (RW: Philly)
Wow, what a wild card. He hasn’t been on a challenge in a while, which means he is either out of shape or he has been juicing and doing angry pull-ups yelling out CT’s name. According to his Wikipedia page his house was recently foreclosed and he was arrested for attacking a police animal. Translation: he is a potentially crazy motherfucker with nothing to lose. I’d be scared if I were the rest of the guys.

6. Derek (RR: Viewer’s Revenge)
Not to be confused with Derrick. This guy is a physical specimen but has shown signs of softness. I’m pretty sure Gay Ryan knocked him out of Gauntlet 3. He hooked up with Paula last time he was on a challenge so maybe he can leverage the relationship.

7. Dunbar (RW: Sydney)
All brawns, no brain. Thankfully this is only an MTV reality show so he should do fine. Plus he has some friends on the challenge, so despite being one of the most unlikeable cast mates in recent memory he will be able to swing a few votes.

8. Isaac (RW: Sydney)
Isaac is another wild card with lots of questions following him into the challenge. Is he tight with Dunbar and Shauvon? Is he as cool as he seemed on the show? Is he bad-ass enough to stand up to CT (who will surely call him out alpha wolf style on night #1)? Is he even a good athlete? BY FAR the most intriguing competitor.

9. Mark (RR: USA, The First Adventure)
I remember watching this guy’s Road Rules season in my living room on my green couch. We got rid of that couch before I went to MIDDLE SCHOOL. In all honesty though, the guy is 38 years old. I don’t care how jacked he used to be or how experienced he is in challenges. He’s 38. He’s 2 years older than Priest Holmes who was too old for football 3 years ago. Still, he’s the 2nd most intriguing competitor.

10. Davis (RW: Denver)
He’s gay, but not the fragile girly gay like Ryan. He is a bigger, stronger gay guy. That said, he seems to always be crying, and the lasting image I have of Davis is him getting crushed in an Inferno with Derrick that included running around a corner in football gear trying to get a football into the opponent’s end zone, or as I like to refer to it, “the scene that made my father a HUGE Derrick fan.”

11. Adam (RW: Paris)
Adam proved himself as a strong competitor in Gauntlet 3. He has the chance to win a challenge or 2 if the event plays to his strength. But you gotta weigh more than a buck-fifty to get in the top 10. Sorry bro.

12. Gay Ryan (Fresh Meat)
The only reason he isn’t #13 is because I don’t know no Nick Brown. And because Ryan is a pretty popular dude.

13. Nick Brown (RW: Hollywood)
Again, don’t know anything about these Hollywood cats. He looks like a skinny guy, won’t have a strong alliance, and isn’t being helped by the fact that the last Hollywood guy we met, Dave, quit the Island like a pussy. Sorry for putting you below Gay Ryan, the only thing you can do is show me something Nick Brown. Show us what ya got.

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A friend sent me a link to the top-selling NFL jerseys of 2008. A few things stand out…

- Brett Favre is #1. I’m not going to go on another anti-Favre rant, but I am going to mention that he is also #13, a feat that can only be accomplished by a dishonest manipulative turncoat that still manages to remain popular.

- Eli Manning now sells more jerseys than Peyton. This could be because of all the bandwagon Giants fans that hated Eli until he won Super Fluke XLII, OR because everyone realizes that the league MVP is on the decline. Question: What do you think of a guy rocking an Archie Manning throwback? Is this the least gangster jersey on the market? It must be.

- Tom Brady was kept out of the Top 10 thanks to Bernard Pollard. If I saw someone rocking a Bernard Pollard jersey in public in would probably run them over with my car. I will go as far as saying its the equivalent of a conservative republican wearing a Lee Harvey Oswald jersey.

- Four Cowboys landed in the top 12: Tony Romo (#2), Marion Barber (#4), Jason Witten (#7) and Terrell Owens (#12). And people wonder where Jerry Jones is getting the money to build that new stadium. Say what you want, they are still as “America’s Team” as you get.

- Devin Hester at 15 is by far the biggest reach of the group. Did he even return a kick for a TD this year? I need a stat boy. Bardo!

- Matt Ryan came in #17. I know he had a great season and is the new “face of the franchise” and what have you, but you have to assume this ranking is due to Bad Newz Kennelgate. Think about it, every Falcons fan had to replace their Michael Vick jersey and who better to get then the new QB. Seriously, Vick did to #7 Falcons jerseys what Hitler did to the Charlie Chaplin mustache. I don’t care if you had your ’stache pre-1940s, you had to shave that shit after WW2, just like there is no acceptable reason to wear a Vick jersey unless its Halloween or you lost a bet.

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