Archive for February, 2009

from Reiss’ Pieces

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Tom Brady is off the market and the biggest headcase in NBA history just signed with the Celts, but that doesn’t mean we can’t HOLLA FOR SOME HOT LINKS!

Mr. Chi City got a parking ticket. This brotha can’t catch a break.

Apparently Derek Jeter calls himself “DJ” on his college girlfriend’s voicemail. Man this guy has it rough.

This is why you’re fat. That entire site rivals but does not compare with best casserole ever posted on Morning Dump’s past.

This is definitely the manliest way to stay warm during the winter.

Ever wonder how much it costs to put a hit on someone? SFP doesn’t condone murder-for-hire but this is interesting.

Are you a shopping cart hero? Warning: Addictive.

Free SFP bumper sticker to anyone who can beat my record of 113. And no you can’t use an entire ESPN production and research staff for help.

While we wait for my girl Whitney Matheson to post her 10-best Lost comments column on Pop Candy, check out this interesting article about the show’s script coordinator. And also while we’re waiting, here are some of my questions for you guys…

- Is this war that Widmore mentioned definitely between he and Ben? I think that they may be on the same side, but fighting for power (think Obama and Hillary). They both seemed to want the Oceanic 6 to have gone back, and they both seem somewhat aligned with Mrs. Hawking.

- Are Caesar and Ilana part of the war? They are definitely not random crash victims…they have an agenda.

- Who was the woman that went to the main island with Frank Lapidas? Sun? Wouldn’t it make sense that she flashed to the island with Jack, Kate and Hurley? (Maybe not since Locke flashed to the small island).

- Is Walt like Desmond? Are his dreams really just memories? Remember Season 1…Walt is special. He is not done. Locke, Desmond, Walt, Aaron…these people are special.

- Frank landed that plane pretty well. Could he have used whatever part of the runway that the Others were building when Kate and Sawyer were captive?

- What time period are they in on the small island? Can it be different than the main island? WTF?

- Is Locke alive-alive, island-alive, or just alive if the time that the island has skipped to is before his the date of his actual death? Does this apply to Christian too?

-Can a brotha get a Jacob update? WTF?

But I digress…

Finally, what better way to start the weekend than to get BOSSCOCKED!

and the MD wouldn’t be complete without a hilarious POTW:

Picture of the Week…Touche:
(Click to enlarge)

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With less than 180 minutes until the Sox take on the Mighty Eagles of Chestnut Hill in their annual Spring Training commencement game*, I felt that it would be appropriate to revisit the projected opening day roster.

* According to the Fish Scientist (BC alum and member of the Fenway Faithful), fans of both should be rooting for the adults. “Getting beat by the BC Eagles would not be a good omen for the season.”

1. Jason Varitek - Good to have you back, Cap. Not the greatest negotiation of all-time (”$10 million?-No…Well, how about $5 mil- DEAL HOWIE!!!) but we’ll blame Boras.

2. Josh Bard - If ‘Tek stays healthy and Sports Fan Paradise really takes off, he could be the 2nd most famous Josh Bard in the Boston.

3. Kevin Youkilis - Just scroll down 2 posts. Apparently Enza has a “Mr. Slave-from-South Park” fetish.

4. Dustin Pedroia - When you already have a Rookie of the Year, MVP award and World Series ring by your 2nd season there isn’t much else to do but try and play in all 162 games. For the sake of post-season legs I hope he takes a day or two off, but good luck to him.

5. Mike Lowell - I heard some schmuck on EEI saying that the pressure was on Lowell this season. Like most of their callers he was completely wrong. Even if Lowell doesn’t return to his 2007 offensive form, he is still one of the best defensive 3rd basemen in the game. Plus, with the lineup they have he will be able to hit 7th and see good pitching. I predict a .300-25-85 season.

6. Julio Lugo - GM Mike would trade him to an NL team that needs a shortstop for a case of Miller High Life, eat most of his contract, make Lowrie the starter and try and resign one of the Alexs as a back-up. But it looks like he’s staying so lets hope he can turn it around.

7. Jed Lowrie - Be patient young grasshopper.

8. David Ortiz - After saying that anyone who tests positive for PEDs should be suspended for a year, lets hope none of Papi’s teammates come up dirty. I love the big fella but lets face it, he was garbage last year, especially in the playoffs. He needs to focus more on launching walk-off homers and less on dropping Schillingesque sound bites.

9. Jason Bay - I’m gonna start calling him Bertucci’s until I can think of something more clever (and more Canadien). Why Bertucci’s? Think about it. Have you ever had a bad meal at Bertucci’s? No. They are pretty fucking consistent. Rarely is the food or service out-of-this-world spectacular, but have you ever left a Bertucci’s feeling like you got ripped off? No. Just like you’ve never left Fenway thinking “man, Jason Bay sucked tonight.” He is Mr. Consistency.

10. Jacoby Ellsbury - If we’re going to talk about pressure, this is where it is. I can boldly say that we will not make the playoffs unless Ellsbury improves on his 2008 numbers. Sure, the 50 stolen bases were unheard of in Boston, but this isn’t a track meet. His .280 batting average isn’t going to cut it, especially when he had less than 10 homers and 50 RBIs. The most alarming stat, however, was his .336 on-base percentage. To put that in perspective, there were 19 guys in the AL East alone with better OBPs than our “lead-off hitter” last year (”" until he owns the spot). Hell, there were 5 Orioles with better OBPs. That won’t cut it. Get on base Jake.

11. JD Drew - What’s left to say? We pay him $3 million per playoff home run. Thats how the Drew Crew rolls.

12. Rocco Baldelli - Like I said in the last edition, mitowhateveritis scares me. But far be it from me to insult a Rhode Island kid the morning after the Providence Friars knocked off the #1 team in the country.

13. Josh Beckett
14. Daisuke Matsuzaka
15. Jon Lester
- Who wants to be the Ace? The Big Texan? The Dice-man? My moneys on Lefty.

16. Brad Penny - If reports are accurate, Penny is back to his 2007 form and in the best shape of his life. For you non-fantasy baseball geeks, that means 16-4, 3.03 ERA, 200+ innings pitched and banging Eliza Dushku. If he can duplicate that (and Ellsbury bumps his OBP over .400) I GUARANTEE we win 100 games.

17. Tim Wakefield - He can, should and probably will pitch until he is 50. He may be more of a mop-up guy come September, but I still say he is the most valuable Red Sox player of my lifetime.

18. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake - Pap wasn’t as unhittable in ‘08 as he was in ‘07, but I’d still take him over any closer in the game. Yes, K-Rod, you are grossly overrated.

19. Justin Masterson
20. Hideki Okijima
21. Manny Delcarmen
22. Javier Lopez
- Is their something to be said for bullpen chemistry? I don’t know. I do like the young core that we have out there, and I think that with some of the additions we have made (see 23 and 24), this will not be a weakness come post-season time.

23. Ramon Ramirez - There was a time when I would have traded Coco Crisp for a half can of Pringles. The fact that we were able to add a guy who had 21 holds with a 2.64 ERA last season is remarkable.

24. Takashi Saito - 39 saves in 2007 and a 1.95 ERA over his 3 MLB seasons. Let the race for official set-up man begin. Has our bullpen ever looked this good on paper???

25. John Locke - If Locke can act as a proxy for Jack’s dad in Lost, he can also act as a proxy for John Smoltz. Of course there will be injuries, but when the team is healthy the 25th spot will be an interesting storyline. Will Jamie Kotsay’s husband get the nod? Brad Wilkerson? Jew-Taz? I think Kotsay probably cracks the opening day roster with Clay Buchholz pitching down the Lou Merloni Highway trying to get his stuff back, but what do I know?

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So I was playing Sporcle this morning, minding my own business and dominating a category about band names, when I clicked on an interesting new quiz. It was titled “Can you name the most used computer passwords of all-time.” Never one to not try new things, I gave it a shot, but only got four (123456, 12345, 1234, and qwerty). When I gave up and saw the results I was sort of weirded out.

Keep in mind that I have NO CLUE how they obtained this information, especially since “all-time” implies that these are the 20 most frequently used passwords in history, but this is supposed to be a list of the most common words or phrases that Americans can easily remember:

1. 123456
2. password
3. 12345678
4. 1234
5. pussy
6. 12345
7. dragon
8. qwerty
9. 696969
10. mustang
11. letmein
12. baseball
13. master
14. michael
15. football
16. shadow
17. monkey
18. abc123
19. pass
20. fuckme

OK. Well…this certainly gives us some insight into the American public, doesn’t it. If you were an alien who just landed here and looked at this list you would be able to break down our society into 5 main groups based on these passwords…

Group 1: Idiots
Anybody who can’t remember anything but pass, password, abc123 or a combination of 12345678 is officially a half-tard. I’m sorry. But if there is NOTHING about you thats unique enough to make your password then you should probably back away from the computer and go get a life. Think about how easy it would be to create hacking software with sequential combinations of 1-8, these people are just setting themselves up to get infiltrated. Actually, “abc123″ was most likely the password for the CIP Device on 24 and thats why Dikembe Mutombo and Tony Almeida’s ex-domestic terrorist boss were able to take control of every airplane and power plant in the country before they even ate breakfast. Just saying…throw your pet’s name in there or something.

Group 2: Porn Addicts/Guys who will end up on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator”
I mean I know your password is supposed to be private and you’re not looking to impress anyone with it, but who really thinks of “fuckme” or “696969″ before they think of anything else? You know who? A whole heck of a lot of people apparently. Most of them are probably addicted to porn or have at least a borderline addiction, and assuming thats all they use the internet for I guess these are somewhat appropriate. And how creepy of a password is “shadow”? When I think of shadows in an internet conotation my mind keeps coming back to “places where pedophiles lurk.” I have a friend whose dog is named Shadow, so maybe its just a popular password because its a popular pet name. Thats what I’m hoping. Either way, I’m SHOCKED that “pussy” ranked as the 5th most used password in history. Thats simply amazing.

Group 3: Fantasy Sports Geeks
It doesn’t surprise me that “baseball” and “football” made the cut, since fantasy sports and online gambling are probably 2nd only to porn in terms of dominating web traffic. I’m a little surprised that “mustang” made the list, however, since 3 groups that I don’t think would use a computer much are motorheads, cowboys, and Norwood High students.

Group 4: Dorks and Weirdos
“dragon” speaks for itself. Either you’re still obsessed with D&D or you have immersed yourself into WoW. Either way you need to go get some fresh air. (Thats Dungeon’s and Dragon’s and World of Warcraft for those of you who fall into Group 5). While “master” might be derived from master password, it could still be wizard-speak. Same for “letmein”. I see that and I just thinking about Danny DeVito in the season finale of Always Sunny, “you’ve gotta pay the troll toll…”

Group 5. Normal People
“qwerty” is a perfectly acceptable password. I know this because it was my AOL password from 7th grade until I stopped using AOL (sometime in college). It is (or was, until this list came out) obscure enough that nobody would guess it, but easy enough to do because it was conveniently placed from left to right on the top row. It was genius. I can guarentee that the likes of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were using “qwerty” back in the 80’s. Also, “michael” is a perfectly acceptable password. Whether its your name, the name of your son, or the name of someone you idolize, “michael” is just flat-out solid, a memorable password for people who want to feel good every time the sign in to a website.

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Besides Andy sending me this article about how the steroid dealer in The Wrestler is an actual steroid dealer in real life (I believe it because he fucking nailed that part), and Karaoke Craig dropping this gem, NOBODY sent me a link for the Morning Dump. I can’t do this all by myself people, despite popular opinion I do in fact have a job.

So in the spirit of it being Friday and because I’m a little hung-over from my 2nd Bruce cover band show in less than a week, I decided not to write anything today. Instead, we’re going to play a little game of athlete look-a-like, and today’s focus is current and former wrestlers.

Don’t like it? Start your own blog.

Val Venis vs. Aubrey Huff

John Cena vs. Justin Morneau

Fatu of the Headshrinkers vs. Troy Polamalu

Booker T vs. Corey Dillon

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake vs. Jonathan Papelbon

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SPOILER ALERT! Don’t read this if you haven’t watched last night’s episode.

I was going to send this in a mass email to my Lostie friends, then decided I’d rather they visit the blog and rock out the comment section…so here ya go. Please object and counter:

- I LOVED that Locke/Jack/Oceanic 6 - Jesus/Doubting Thomas/Apostles parallel. I’m not very religious but I think that was genius. Ben telling the story about how Thomas was the hero, and the bravest of the 12 Disciples, until he doubted that Jesus could have truly rose from the dead, and it wasn’t until he felt the wounds that he believed. Jack is always the brave one, and he got everybody to go back to the island (like Thomas got the Apostles to Judea) but it wasn’t until he read the note that he completely believed. And it wasn’t until then that they were able to return.

- Also, 12 Disciples: Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sun, Jin, Clare, Boone, Shannon, Michael, Walt, Charlie. (Thats a HUGE stretch, but those 12 and Locke were the original 13 cast members)

- I love Mrs. Hawking/Farraday’s Mom. Ben, Richard, and everyone else just withhold info while she basically lectured us with fact after fact for 10 minutes.

- I love how this show set up the rest of the season: present day will probably be everyone on the island, figuring out what the fuck they’re doing in the 1970s and whether or not they will continue to skip in time or whatever, and the flashbacks will be showing how the hell everyone made it back on the plane. We get to see Locke’s whole ordeal next week, and then hopefully in the weeks that follow figure out who convinced Hurley to go back (Charlie?), how Sayid got arrested (or fake-arrested?), who fucked Ben up (Sayid?), what happened to Kate and Aaron (we he stolen? did she give him to Grandma?), who is that Arab dude (posing as Sayid?), what Sun did before getting on the plane, etc.

(I think that Ben, Hawking & Co. were trying to recreate the flight as best as possible. Locke as a proxy for Jack’s dad, Sayid playing Kate’s role as a prisoner with a federal marshal, then that random Arab dude maybe playing Sayid’s role. But I don’t know, thats random)

- I think that when Locke turned the wheel the island stopped in the 1970s. That would explain why Jin was dressed in Dharma gear and driving the van, and why Farrady was down in the mine/hardhat area in the premiere. Not sure what that means about Miles being Dr. Hanso’s Asian baby though. Its possible that Sawyer, Jin, Juliet, etc. have been chilling in the 70s for the last 3 years (since thats how long it had been in “off-island” time since Ben first turned the wheel.

Here are the big questions that the show raised:

- Is the island always moving in time or just when they turn the wheel? I feel like it had been awhile since they last moved it and thats why Widmore was able to find it. That said, Hawking made it seem like it was always moving randomly.

- Who was the man who first figured out all the shit about the island moving? Widmore? She made it seem like he was the key.

Finally…

I LOVE Frank Lapidis

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I was roadtripping down in DC and Philly for the last 5 days, so I’m a little behind. Barstool posted a jumbotron video of a kid going apeshit to Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer during a recent Celtics’ broadcast. El Prez said that it looked fake, but it looked pretty real to me. The stoolie consensus on the message board was that it really happened (since there were many witnesses who were there) but that it was staged.

(Grammar Game!: I posted 5 compound words in the first 2 sentences. Only 2 of which are actual words. Which are they???)

Well, according to my source deep within the Celtics organization, the performance was as real as it gets. He said that if it were staged they would have done it again every night, since they run those things into the ground. They weren’t able to track the kid down and he hasn’t been back since, but the camera guys scan for him each game.

I think he looks like the redhead’s son from Desperate Housewives, but thats just me.

Here’s another link to the video if the Barstool link doesn’t work.

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Also, Wade Boggs drank beer!

Seriously folks, if there was ever a Boston athlete that showed all the obvious signs of ‘roiding it was Izzo. He’s like 5′2, jacked out of his mind, and was enough of a force on the kickoff squad to propel himself to be one of the team captains. Still, the Pats’ version of Danny Bonaduce is one of my favorites. It goes to show that we don’t hate Bonds and A-Rod because they cheated, we hate them because they’re assholes who we hated anyway.

heres the article from ESPN.com:

New England Patriots special teams captain Larry Izzo is scheduled to testify for the prosecution in the perjury trial against Barry Bonds, which is expected to begin March 2 and last about a month.

According to media reports, Izzo will testify that he received performance-enhancing drugs from Greg Anderson, Bonds’ personal trainer, in 2003 along with instructions and a schedule of how to use them.

“Mr. Izzo will testify that he was a professional football player and that he first contacted Greg Anderson by phone in approximately January 2003,” the court filing by the prosecution says, according to The Boston Globe. “Mr. Izzo will also testify that he first met Anderson in person in approximately May 2003 at BALCO and submitted a urine sample at BALCO at Anderson’s request. Mr. Izzo will also testify that [he] submitted additional urine samples to Anderson at later times as well.

“Mr. Izzo will also testify about receiving performance-enhancing substances from Anderson, about instructions from Anderson about how to administer the substances, about the schedule Anderson gave to him for administering the substances, and about what Mr. Anderson told him about the efficacy of those substances.”

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Everything you need to know about the Celtics you could have learned in the last three games. We lost at home to the Lakers in overtime, we beat the Knicks handily on the road, and we lost to the Spurs at home in the final minute. I don’t want to get all Shaughnessy on you but if we expect the C’s to match last years fate, we need to Obama this bitch, lets make some change.

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