HOLLA.

Welcome home everyone.

As sad as it was to leave our cozy home at lite.blogspot I think this address will better suit our entrepreneurial goals.

Due an action-packed weekend that included a Celts game, 2 pub crawls and Marathon Monday festivities I was unable to blog at all…and with Bruce shows tonight and tomorrow I doubt I will be able to do much until Friday.

The site still needs some building and some formatting changes, but theres no reason to leave my readers out in the cold while the IT department is hard at work. Who needs video, pictures or even workable links??? For the first post at the new URL we are going unplugged. Call it the acoustic version of the mailbag. Hit it Max!

.

Dear S(FP)G,

CT’s turn on the premiere episode of this year’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge had to be one of the most disappointing–and yet utterly predictable–showings in the competition to date. Everyone knows the guy could’ve single-handedly dominated this season, but, instead, he let Adam get in his head and he did what everyone expected him to do, getting into a physical altercation and getting tossed from New Zealand to boot.

(Meanwhile, wasn’t it just a little TOO convenient how quickly MJ and Nehemiah showed up in their place? If we’re to believe the show’s editing and think that the first contest happened the day after the altercation, how on earth did they get there on time? There’s just no way they could’ve been called up, packed their bags and been flown halfway around the world in time to make the rugby game while it was still light out the next day. It’s legitimately impossible. But it’s also clearly not the case: Thanks to the producers’ sloppy editing, MJ even tells the camera that he got called up “a week ago” and asked if he wanted to go to New Zealand. WTF? Either the whole CT-Adam thing was staged and predetermined, or the competitiors have way too much time between arriving and jumping into the competition, far as I’m concerned. Granted, they must’ve needed a lot of time to learn and subsequently film that really crappy Samoan intro that basically only serves to make Evan look like a huge tool. But, anyway, if the producers didn’t set the fight up for immediate drama and didn’t already have Nehemiah and MJ already in a hotel somewhere nearby, then I’m convinced that the rest of the guys paid Adam off to take CT out. In all seriousness, that’s the smartest play, I think. Either way, though, WE DON’T GET TO SEE THIS. Which is a complete joke. Basically, what I’m saying is this: I need answers.

But I digress…)

Here’s my question: Is there a real-life, professional sports equivalent to CT and his move this season?

The obvious answer would be Ron Artest, but now in Houston, he seems to have calmed down, even if he’s a shadow of his former self. The next obvious choice, I think, would be T.O., when he got suspended by the Eagles a few years back. But, in my opinion? The best option’s gotta be Sean Avery. Brought onto the Stars as the potential torche-bearer to replace the soon-to-be-retired Mike Modano, he’s pretty much EXACTLY like CT in that he was signed not just for his goal-scoring capabilities, but also because he’s a known bruiser, who likes to go after his opponents’ best players, start fights and ruffle feathers. But, only a couple games into the season, he got in trouble with the NHL for calling out the fact that a player on another team was dating his “sloppy seconds”, which, aside from being the sports quote of the year in my book, was used, in this case, as applied to his ex, Elisha Cuthbert. Kind of similar to when CT told Robin and Katie that “if I wanted to get ass, you know where I’d go,” about Diem, right? Anyway, because the rest of the clubhouse couldn’t stand him, the Stars cut him and decided to eat his entire salary. Even though he was only doing what the team’s management had just signed him to do.

You tell me: Is there a better comparison? I think the Cuthbert-Diem similarities pretty much lock it up for Avery. But maybe you’ve got a better one, S(FP)G?

- Pete in Dallas

.

Thanks Pete. I don’t live in Dallas nor am I a hockey fan, so while I did read about the Avery situation earlier this year it was not huge on my radar. The problem with your comparison is that Sean Avery isn’t important enough in the sports world, while CT is by far the most volatile and famous figure on Challenge casts.

If I’m comparing CT to a pro athlete I’m looking for a guy who is physically dominant and extremely entertaining, yet not somebody I would want on my team. Someone who is signed with the knowledge that they are most likely going to do something ridiculous resulting in them never stepping foot on the field. If the 6:00 Sportscenter led with “______ has been arrested after an altercation with (insert authority figure) which was triggered by a 911 call from hotel security reporting that ________ was (insert terrible act) in the lobby with (insert farm animal) while using (insert hard drug)” and you are AT ALL surprised then _______ is not the athlete I’m looking for.

The problem is there is no athlete who would normally be the best in his sport that is also capable of doing absolutely anything to get himself in trouble. That is why my answer is a hybrid of Tiger Woods and Pacman Jones. Imagine if Tiger Woods got really drunk off whiskey the night before the Masters and beat the shit out of Anthony Kim, then went to Honey’s Angels and beat the shit out of a stripper. Thats the CT version of a professional athlete.

.

Let’s assume you’re 12 years old and, against all odds, you’ve found yourself either owning/managing or pitching in the major leagues. Which veteran ballplayer giving it one more go would you rather have dating your single mom: Timothy Busfield’s character in Little Big League or Gary Busey’s character in Rookie of the Year? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS IN THESE MOVIES.

- Stinky, Syracuse

If its between those 2 I’ll take Poindexter over Gary Busey any day of the week. Busey is the last guy I’d ever want for a stepfather. If I can choose any cinematic veteran ballplayer I’ll take Crash Davis, slightly edging out Tom Bergeron in Major League. If I’m choosing between actual baseball players it would be Mike Lowell in a landslide.

.

I know you’re a big Sporcle guy, what is one category you can’t wait to see?

-Kevin, THE Boston University

3-way tie between “20+ home run guys from RBI Baseball 3″, “all-time cast of Baywatch”, and “girls Jay King has hooked up with.”

.

Share on Facebook

Sports (Fan Paradise) Guy Mailbag Take 2!

I’ve been very impressed with the emails people have been sending in. To be quite honest I didn’t think you guys had it in you, but I sounded the alarm and you delivered. I am a little disappointed with the lack of female representation in the bag, but hopefully the ladies will come around soon.

I’m actually busy as hell today so this post will be a gradual one. I’ll post an answer every hour, on the half hour, so feel free to check back in periodically.

As always, send your provoking questions for S(FP)G to sportsfanparadise@gmail.com

It’s NFL draft season. However, since my team doesn’t have a first-round pick this year, mock NFL drafts are 99 percent less interesting to me than in years past, and my imagination has run amok thinking about other, potentially more interesting draft possibilities. Who, for instance, are the top 5 celebrities on your draft board if you’re trying to find the ideal wingman for a night out? I think we’re looking for a recognizable, interesting guy who seems like he’d instantly develop a rapport with anyone but not necessarily embarrass you or your friends in the looks department. I’m thinking some of the Apatow crew (Seth Rogen, Jason Segel) would be strong candidates. Jack Black? Zach Braff? Kenan from Kenan and Kel?

-Carolina Craig, Philly

The #1 pick is easy: Neil Patrick Harris.

For the last 4 years he has portrayed the character of Barney Stinson, the greatest wing man in television history. I trust NPH to help me pick up women for the same reason that I would trust Mathew Fox to perform an emergency appendectomy, Tim Daly and Steven Webber to fly a plane, or Keifer Sutherland to save millions of American lives. He is good looking enough to attract women but short enough to make me look good, and he is gay, so there is no competition at the end of the night.

Other first round picks? How about Tom Brady. Even is he decides to cheat on Gisele its not like there won’t be 100 other women who want to be with “the guy Tom Brady was with.” Just ask his actual wingman Will McDonough; his life does not suck.

Rounding out my Top 5 would be Vinny Chase (E always overachieves), Bret Michaels (because he seems to attract the type of women I wouldn’t mind partying with at this stage of my life), and Benjamin Linus (because he can get anyone to do anything and think it was their idea).

I’m liking the idea of non-football mock drafts. We will expand on this.

The Sports Guy has had some great guests on his podcasts including Peter Berg, the genius behind the greatest show, Friday Night Lights. Not including The Boss, who are the top 5 guests that need to be on the inaugural SFP podcast?

-Fawn, Needham

Great question, especially since SFP will be podcasting by summertime. But you’re right; Bruce would probably be at the top of my list for dream guests. If I could pick five others to interview I think the list would be, in no particular order: Larry Bird, Dr. Drew, Damon Lindelof, Mike Tyson and Jenna Jameson.

Besides the 1% chance of booking Lindelof, I can promise we will never get any of these people, but you asked for a Top 5 so you got a Top 5. Oh, and by the way, “top-5” is pretty much the theme of this mailbag so get used to it.

A more realistic list of 5 guests I’d love to have on the inaugural podcast would look more like this: Tony Reali, Glen “Big Baby” Davis, CT from the Real World, Heidi Watney and Raven’s kicker Steve Hauschka. Those I think we can make happen.

S(FP)G -

Just watched Raging Bull. Robert DeNiro is such a bad ass in parts of that movie. But if you think about it, he’s a bigger bad ass in like 8 other movies. Taxi Driver, Godfather Part 2, Casino, Goodfellas, Midnight Run, to name a few.

The sports equivalent of this I suppose is someone who has hall-of-fame careers on multiple teams. This happens much less today because players play on so many teams that their numbers on any single team aren’t hall-of-fame worthy. Shaq is an example of this. He’s a hall-of-famer because of what he did in LA. In isolation, his Orlando and Miami careers don’t get him there.

Charles Barkley on the other hand is a hall-of-famer with his career in Philly AND with Phoenix. Roger Clemens is in the Hall with his Boston and NY careers.

Tell me your top five athletes and top 5 actors are in this category. (Also, which DeNiro is the biggest bad ass? Taxi Driver, right?)

-Dave in DC

No, DeNiro was a little bitch in Taxi Driver. Neil McCauley never would have let himself obsess over Betsy or Iris the way that Travis Bickle does.

Two performances come to mind if we’re talking about when DeNiro was the biggest badass. He was an absolute maniac in Mean Streets as Johnny Boy, but that said, when I think badass I think someone who is smart, ruthless, and has balls of steel. If that doesn’t describe a young Vito Corleone then I don’t know what does, so my vote goes for DeNiro in Part II.

Also you’re wrong that Clemens is a hall-of-famer just based on his time with the Yankees. Especially with the steroid allegations I think that’s a terrible example, sorry. And I’m not sure that Barkley makes the Hall just based on four seasons in Phoenix, despite how good he was, but I won’t argue with you about basketball.

You’re question was a little confusing but I take it that you’re looking for 5 athletes who had hall-worthy careers with multiple teams, and actors who simply dominated many different movies. As for the athletes, I’ll try and take one from each major sport. Hockey is definitely Gretzky, whose 10 years with the Oilers or 8 with the Kings would probably get him in on the first ballot. For hoops I’m going with Kareem: 30&15 a game for 6 seasons with Milwaukee and then 14 season with LA in which he became the all-time leading scorer. Football is a tricky one because there are few trades and very short careers, but how about Marshall Faulk? 8,000+ yards from scrimmage with the Colts and 11,000+ with the Rams earns him my vote. Nolan Ryan led the league in strikeouts 7 times with the Angels and twice each with the Astros and Rangers, but I don’t think any one stint besides his 8 years in California get him in. I hate to do this…I really do. But I have to. My baseball player is (gulp) Manny. 8 years in Cleveland and 8 in Boston, with just staggering numbers his entire career. Finally, for RW/RR Challenges I think the answer is obvious: Darrell Taylor. He was never the most dominant, but with wins in The Gauntlet, Inferno, Inferno II AND Fresh Meat, there is no better winner. Call him the Steve Kerr of Challenges if you want, but he deserves his place in history.

And now you want 5 actors who dominated multiple movies? I feel like this is wide open since so many great actors have had so many great roles, so I will just go with the 5 actors who appear in different roles in my short list of favorite movies: Pacino (Tony Montana and Michael Corleone), Bill Murray (John Winger, Carl Spackler), Chevy Chase (Fletch, Ty Webb), Kevin Spacey (Verbal Kint, John Doe), and Tim Robbins (Andy Dufresne, Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh). Honorable mention to Paul Newman and Robert Redford (Henry Gondorff & Johnny Hooker, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid).

S(FP)G -

I’ve been reading lately that our beloved Boston Globe might be going bankrupt within the next year. Within like ten years, probably every newspaper will be gone. Is there anything good that can come of this? The way I see it, the only potential upside is that someone will invent a contraption to attach to the toilet that will hold computers to read while we crap. I’d pay a lot of money to not have to keep balancing my computer on my knees.

-Butch from the Cape

How about this invention: white screens that can be hung anywhere which project an iPhone or a Blackberry’s image screen. They can be on the back of every stall and hung in every room of the house. All our TV is going to be on mobile devices in 5 years anyway, and these screens will let us watch it in 40 inch high-def wherever we’re sitting. If there are any really smart people reading this blog (unlikely) you should get on this right away!

But on a serious note, there is something physically romantic about reading a newspaper. It has a special charm and character that websites do not, and I am very sad about the fact that they are on the road to obscurity. Still, I am happy to see the old school newspaper writers, especially in Boston (Shank, Borgers, etc) finally becoming irrelevant. They had way too much power for way too long, and the sports media genre is better off now that it is saturated to the point that people have hundreds of options as to whose opinions they read.

In a typical day do you think more about food or sex?

-Andy from Charlestown

Hmm. It took a mailbag and a half but I think somebody finally stumped me. I’m writing this at 11:56 and all I have eaten today is a banana, so right now all I can think about is buffalo chicken pizza and an Italian sub from Sam & Anne’s. If you ask me in an hour I’ll probably say that I think more about taking a shit than food and sex combined, but again it will also be a skewed answer.

I have a theory that there are 5 different types of people in the world, and you can’t categorize a person until you have seen them leave a bar at 1:30 in the morning. Person #1 tries to find another bar that’s open, a party, or at the very least a fridge with another beer in it. Person #2 wants to find the closest bag of weed and smoke as soon as possible. Person #3 tries to find his or her bed, or the closest comfortable area, and go to sleep immediately, while Person #4 calls his or her significant other or tries to get laid by any means necessary. Then there is Person #5. My roommate for all 4 years of college was Person #5, who will leave a bar and immediately go looking for food. Sometimes its pizza, sometimes it’s Chinese, but that is the ONLY thing on his mind. Sure, he may look for a beer, a bed or a girl, but that’s just to wash down the food, have something to sit on, and have someone to share with.

But that is a long and off-topic answer to a very simple question. I eat far more than I have sex, but I think I spend more of the day horny than hungry, since its so much easier to find food then it is to find women who aren’t looking for a commitment. So there you go, sex it is. Having said that, if I only ate a few times a week my answer would most definitely be food.

Ken Griffey Baseball ‘98 for N64 was always one of my favorite video games. Besides being able to pitch with Pedro in his prime and bat with the Indians’ lineup, the game always pulled the pitcher after giving up 4 runs, whether it was the 1st or 6th inning. One of my goals going into every game was to score 4 runs before recording an out so the SP’s ERA for the game was an *, I may have even hit restart a few times if I couldn’t reach my goal. What are some of the other side games that can be played with classic video games?

-Hank, Boston

You guys are fuckin BRINGING IT today. I’m impressed.

Hank, I have been thinking about this for years and never had an “out-loud” conversation about it, so hopefully I can remember some of my little side games. One that comes to mind is in Tetris, where I would only clear layers of 4 at a time and see how long I could last. Sometimes there would be a 2 minute stretch when I would never get a long piece and it got intense. Also, my buddy Mike and I would play very high scoring games of NBA Live 95 for Sega in which we would try to break individual player scoring records. I think I scored 116 with Reggie Miller that has never been topped, but I forget. I have been known to win games of Madden 2005 without throwing a pass, but that was college and I was showing off. Let’s see…what else? During Madden seasons I would try to break as many single season records as I could, usually setting new marks in rushing yards (my RB), touch downs (my TE) and sacks (my fastest OLB). I would play warm-up games of RBI Baseball 3 against the computer before playing against my brother, usually trying to throw a perfect game and restarting when I put a runner on base. In March Madness ’04 I would try to get all my starters in double figures, but that wasn’t as much fun as playing Grand Theft Auto 3 and just ignoring the mission to trying to kill as many people as possible. That is by far the best “game within the game” in history.

Who do you think would be the best and worst cross-over coaches? A cross-over coach would be like a current NFL coach coaching a NBA game. The two best that I have come up with are Phil Jackson and Bill Belichick. Phil Jackson would be a great baseball manager. He would be much better Yankees skipper then fucking Joe Girardi. In baseball its all about managing players and especially with the Yankees managing egos. The Zen man would be a great fit. For my other pick, Belichick, you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be a great NHL coach. He would mastermind some ridiculous defense that impossible to score on. As for the worst cross-over, it’s a much easier question. Doc Rivers would be an awful NFL coach and Jon Gruden would be a terrible baseball manager. What do you think SFPG?

-Chris, Cambridge Mass

Welcome to the party Chris. Good question. I think that being an NFL coach would be extremely difficult, and I don’t think there are many coaches in other sports that could handle the hours or the strategizing. I do have a few coaches from different sports that could probably take over for each other rather seamlessly. How about John Fox swapping places with Mike Scioscia? For some reason I feel like they have the same type of mentality. I also think that Terry Francona could do Doc Rivers’ job, but not vice-versa. Tito is a player’s manager, and when you have Kevin Garnett on your team that’s the kind of guy you need. I agree that Gruden would be a terrible baseball manager, but what about a college basketball coach? NBA guys would never listen to him, but I think he has the energy for it, and I bet he would be an excellent recruiter.

Dear S(FP)G -

Saturday evening I was crushing the bar scene in the tourist-filled Fanuiel Hall area of Boston. After a baker’s dozen big boy sodas with the guys, we decided to introduce our out-of-town friend to the phenomenon known as “Scorpion Bowls” at one of the city’s sleaziest dive bars.

As we approached the door surrounded by some of Boston’s finest underage girls, the bouncer stopped my New York friend (I am aware this is a conflicted title) and denied his access. Naturally I asked for justification, assuming the mere fact that he is from New York is not enough. The man replied, “Your friend was displaying ’slow tendencies’”. As any drunk A-hole would do, I could not hold back.

“So you’re telling me because my friend suffers from a mental disability that you won’t let him in your bar?” No response. “What is worse — having the cops show up to find a bunch of underage kids in your bar or a bunch of mentally handicapped people?” His response, “Your friend is not retarded, he’s drunk!” Who is he to judge? At this point I was pulled away from the bar and led to Sausage King, which immediately distracted me and helped me forget about the lame excuse for my first door denial experience since college.

It’s been a while since I experienced a denial, but if you’re going to get denied there better be a damn good reason. “Displaying slow tendencies” is about as lame as John Smoltz injuring himself while ironing the shirt HE WAS WEARING! Am I justified in my response to such a lame-duck excuse? Was my immediate reaction to pawn my friend’s drunken stupidity off as mental disability inappropriate?

- Dan in Medford

You bring up a decent point. It was a long and confusing point, but I have found some decency in it. What if a retard tried to get in a bar and got denied for acting too drunk, even if he was dead sober? That may be a civil rights issue, I’m not sure. As for your situation, however, I’m sure the bouncer was just doing his job and doing it well. Someone has to protect the 19-year-old girls with fake IDs inside Hong Kong, and I’m sure your buddy was completely hammered (as I’m sure you were still drunk when you submitted this question).

But to answer your final inquiry, I am always one for bending the rules and using every trick in the book to succeed, so I commend your effort, but I doubt you were very convincing after “a baker’s dozen big boy sodas.”

SFPG-

Since it’s today’s theme, what are the top 5 songs you would enter to if you were an MLB closer?

- Jacob, Des Moines

OK, I am officially making this the final Top-5 question I field today, its 4:22 and I’m about to call it a weekend. But I like this one a lot.

The closer entrance song needs to accomplish 2 things: it needs to pump people up and it needs to intimidate the other team.

I will definitely put Wild Thing at the top of the list, especially now that Pap has settled on just using Shipping up to Boston by Dropkick Murphy’s. It is perfect for the closer entrance. I also have to say that I respect Enter Sandman (Mariano) and Hells Bells (Trevor Hoffman) but I can’t copy any of those guys.

#2 would have to be Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit. I would have them start it at the 1:15 mark and I wouldn’t sprint out until 2:00. The place would go apeshit if they didn’t censor it.

#3 For Those About To Rock (We Salute You) by AC/DC. This gives you a solid 6 minutes to warm up and get the place pumped.

#4 Bruce’s Out in the Street. Judge me all you want but this would get the cougars on their feet.

Finally, this would be what my entrance would sound like if I ever played over in Japan.

Share on Facebook

AND WE’RE OFF!

Dear S(FP)G,

I got to thinking the other day about college coed intramural sports, basketball in particular. Gym class heroes have I guess two routes they can go: 1, they can try really hard and try to impress the females they play with with their skills and ability, but this comes with the risk of being the asshole that’s trying too hard when everyone else is just messing around.

OR, they can kind of minimize their effort to the lowest common denominator on the floor, try and make sure everyone’s happy and get everyone involved, not really caring about the score. This can be a good route because it shows selflessness and caring for others. It also might help get the best of both worlds, since this can lead ladies to think you’re both (a) talented and (b) not an overly competitive asshole.

I know what Tony Dungy would tell me (”YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME”), but what would the S(FP)G have to say?

-Harry in Worcester

First off, I think Herm Edwards would tell you to “play to win the game” while Dungy would probably tell you to play in the eyes of the Lord. But don’t worry, I won’t interpret your confusion as closet racism, don’t worry.

As for the gym class hero question, I’m glad you came to me. As someone whose athletic career peaked in high school gym class I consider myself a very credible source. I spent my entire life, even in town intramurals, as a decent athlete amongst better and worse athletes. But in gym class it was different. Sometimes I would not only the best athlete in the class, but the only athlete, and could dominate for the first time in my life. So yes, I’m qualified to answer this.

It really comes down to one thing and one thing only: Whether or not there is a hot girl in the class. If its just ugly girls, dorks, and stoners, you may as well put up 30 points and 10 boards in a 4-on-4 basketball game and go to your next class on a high note. If, however, there is a good looking girl that you’re trying to impress, you need to change your strategy. The worst thing you can do is try to show off. Its gym class, after all. If the game is basketball, my advice is to not take a shot, just penetrate and dish, acting more like Nash and less like Lebron or Kobe. Control the game, but get everyone involved, you’ll look like the nice guy that doesn’t care about winning a phys ed game. If the game was team handball or soccer I used to play goalie. It’s the most passive position on the field and succeeds in making you look like you aren’t trying too hard, but if put up a shut-out everyone is going to know who the MVP is. Finally, if the game is kickball, kick that freaking thing as hard as you can. Chicks dig the long ball.

So I see Bill Simmons fairly frequently in The Grove, the shopping

center that he talks about on Page 2; What do you want me to ask him

when I see him next? My buddy asked me to call him so he can come over

and see him in person, but that seems like a pointless venture.

Sincerely, Andy from LA

Ask him when he’s going to post some pictures of the Sports Gal. Or better yet, if he is shopping with his wife you can take a picture of her with your cell phone and email it to me so I can post it on SFP. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that then ask him excitedly if he is the same guy that works for Rick Reilly on ESPN.

S(FP)G -

Survivor Series-style elimination fight, five Celtics from 1984 vs. five Pistons from 1989. Who do you pick for each side and who wins?

My First two Celtics would be Greg Kite and Dennis Johnson. THIS CLIP tells you why. 9 Seconds in, watch the 6-foot nothing DJ take down the 7′4 Ralph Sampson. Then notice 32 seconds in Greg Kite coming off the bench having played about 3 minutes all year putting Sampson in the Sleeper a la Brutus the Barber Beefcake). Third Celtic is Parish (see this clip of Parish taking out Bill Lambeer) and the fourth has to be McHale.

My Final Celtic is Cedrick Maxwell: Check out this clip of him drilling a fan that sprayed some soda on him. It’s the quintessential pre-Artest NBA Player vs. Fan fight.

As for Detroit, I’m going to just go with their most brutal guys: Rodman, who actually has pro wrestling tag-team experience, Lambeer, John Salley, Vinny Johnson, and Mark Aguire.

I take the Celtics winning with Cedrick Maxwell being the last man standing. What say you S(FP)G?

-Dave in DC

Your knowledge of late-‘80s Pistons and Celtics is far greater than mine, so I will not argue with your prediction, but I think your are underestimating the fact that Laimbeer is the only guy in the match with any actual weight advantage. They would need 2 refs just to untangle most of those lanky bastards. Also, you didn’t mention the advantage that Vinny “The Microwave” Johnson would have as soon as he gets tagged in, since he was known to heat up very quickly.

But enough about that match, you presented some fine points. Your question got me thinking about which pro sports teams, past or present, would be able to field the best 5-man Survivor Series teams. These are the best 5 I could come up with, one from each major sport:

1995-96 New York Knicks

Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason, Patrick Ewing, John Starks, Charles Smith

1993 Philadelphia Phillies

Lenny Dykstra, John Kruk, Darren “Dutch” Daulton, Pete Incaviglia, Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams

1974 Pittsburgh Steelers

“Mean” Joe Green, Jack Lambert (right), Mike Webster, Jack Ham, Franco Harris

1977 Charlestown Chiefs

Reggie Dunlop, Dave “Killer” Carlson, Jeff Hanson, Steve Hanson, Jack Hanson

2004 RW/RR Challenge: The Inferno

Chris “CT” Tamburello, Mike “The Miz” Mizanin, Abram Boise, Timmy Beggy, Darrell Taylor

And while we’re on the topic…

What was the straw that broke the back of professional wrestling as

an acceptable program to watch on TV? I haven’t watched any in probably

6 years, but I can’t really pinpoint when I stopped.

-Martin from Miami

I hate to break it to you but the back isn’t broken for the 5.5 million people that watched Monday Night Raw last week, making it consistently the highest rated show on cable. Those rednecks aside, I would guess the straw for a lot of people occurred when Chris Benoit, “pound-for-pound the best in the business”, murdered his wife and son before committing suicide. I can’t pinpoint my straw, since is was more of a collection of things: When I began gambling and participating in fantasy football and Monday Night Football became more important than Raw, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin broke his neck and stopped wrestling for a year, The Rock started doing movies and I saw on the Tonight Show that he was actually a nice guy, and finally, and most importantly, when the WWF bought the WCW and there was no competition anymore. The glory days of wrestling arguably occurred when the WWF was running with DX, Vince McMahon and Austin went at it every week, and the NWO was still taking kicking ass on TNT, but that was 10 years ago. They still have a huge audience, but they lost me.

So now those Apple iPhone commercials promise apps for remembering where to park your car. Add this to the long list things we won’t actually have to use our brain for. At what point are we going to start seeing a tangible difference in how stupid we’re getting as a society?

-Anonymous

We already are. The part of my brain that used to be able to answer “hey, what movie was that guy in?” is now completely dead, replaced only by the knowledge of a site called IMDB. I used to know how many home runs Mike Greenwell hit in 1989, but with baseballreference.com I don’t need to remember that type of stuff. I don’t know how to spell anything that the computer corrects for me. See, I just tried to spell computer with an “-ir” and it corrected for me. I didn’t even need to hit the spell check. So yes, we are already a much dumber society. I would complain about how we let technology rule our lives, but putting that type of rant on a blog that people are reading from their blackberry is kind of ridiculous. I will commend the iPhone for one incredible app though, this thing is genius.

Does the fact that Heather Mitts now plays for the Boston Breakers make you remotely interested in attending a Women’s Professional Soccer game at Harvard Stadium?

-Tristan, Boston

Nope.

Wait, are the Boston Breakers part of a lingerie soccer league?

Intern says no. So yeah…no.

My roommate and I were watching Home Alone the other day and we started debating which Wet Bandit gets messed up the worst - Harry or Marv. Also, same question for Home Alone 2, and which movie does Kevin inflict the most pain and punishment in?

- Jeff, Hollywood

This question earns the silver medal while Dave’s Survivor Series scenario takes gold. The easiest answers to write are the ones that you have been thinking about anyway for well over a decade, and I have definitely done plenty of thinking about this before.

I don’t think there is any question that Marv gets the worst of it in the first movie. Harry gets the blowtorch to the head, tarred and feathered and beaten with a crowbar, but Marv’s 30 second stint in the basement earns him the prize. The hot iron to the face and stepping on the nail have to be BY FAR the most painful things that have ever happened to someone in a PG movie. To this day I don’t think I’ve watched the nail go into his foot all the way through without closing my eyes. If you add the long-lasting effects of the tetanus he must have contracted then this is a landslide victory.

Home Alone 2 is another story, since the violence and consequences became much less feasible. At one point Harry’s head is on fire (a la part 1) and he sticks it in a toilet full of paint thinner. In any sort of real world with human laws of nature this would be by far the most painful injury of the trilogy, just ahead of Marv getting electrocuted. Luckily for the Wet Bandits, HA2 didn’t follow these rules and despite the massive explosion and electrocution they walked away nearly unscathed.

So the final verdict is that the Kevin inflicted the most harm in the sequel, but it is beyond believability that both Harry and Marv could survive the injuries, disqualifying Lost in New York and giving the award to the original.

Dear Fake Sports Guy,

This will definitely be the dorkiest question you get, but please bear with me. If you were a modern-day Frodo in Lord of the Rings and had to go on a mission to save the future of man, who would your 8 companions be?

Rob, Ithaca

Great question, Robby definitely jumped onto the medal stand with a bronze-worthy question. As you may or may not know I am a huge LOTR guy, so my initial reaction is to keep the Fellowship pretty much in tact, while subtracting Boromir and the two non-Rudy hobbits and throwing in some CTU agents. But you did say modern-day, and as much as I would trust Gandalf with my life and couldn’t think of guys I’d rather go into battle with than Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, I don’t think wizards and elves would blend in on a 2009 mission. So sadly I need to revamp the entire group.

The obvious #1 pick is Jack Bauer. I’ll admit I was hesitant, because he tends to go rogue, and this is supposed to be a fellowship. We can’t have someone going off-the-map on their own while the rest of us are working as a team. That being said, “the future of man” means that millions of lives will be at stake, and there is nobody better in that situation than Jack Bauer. Plus, I’ll need people who are mentally strong enough not to try and steal the ring from me, and if Jack can kick heroin in 6 hours I’m pretty sure he has the fortitude not to attack me for “my precious.”

If I have Jack then I need Chloe O’Brien too. She is pound for pound the best hacker and intell-provider out there. She can run point from a remote location, which will make it much easier for the rest of us to move quickly without a woman slowing us down.

Next is Bear Grylls. Is there anyone you would rather have with you to help survive an adventure? No way. I’m also going to include Bear Grylls’ cameraman in my team, since that guy does everything Bear does but can do it one-handed. He is probably the most overlooked and underrated guy in television history.

Next I’ll take Jin and Sayid from Lost. Jin for his loyalty and Sayid because he is the kind of guy you need on your side when shit goes down. Imagine Sayid and Jack Bauer interrogating someone together? That guy would give up the info faster than the gatekeeper in Princess Bride.

As much as I trust the team I’ve put together so far, none of these people are my friends. I need a Sam, someone who I trust and I know they will have my back. I am taking my buddy Dusty for 3 reasons: 1) He is a big dude and can kick asses if need be, 2) He is a nurse, so he can patch me up if need be, and 3) He is a great drinker, so we can get pumped, you know, if need be.

Finally, we need some more muscle. Also, we need a fiercely loyal guy who can take the fall if we get caught along the way. That’s why my 8^th and final companion is Wee-Bey from The Wire. Definitely the Boromir of the crew, but not everyone can make it to Gondor.

So an anonymous person who loves American Idol and I were driving to Ithaca a month or so ago when David Cooke, last seasons winner came on the radio. My friend moved his spitter to his left hand so he could turn up the radio when I asked “what the heck are you doing? This song sucks and this guy sounds like a talentless Nickelback! Change the station!” I had never heard of David Cooke at the time but I know a talentless Nickelback when I hear one, as there are millions of them these days. Your thoughts?

-Shaun from VA beach

I’m pretty sure that “talentless Nickelback” is redundant, but I’m far from a music critic. FYI, you emailed a guy who hasn’t liked a new album since Bruce put out The Rising, and although I watched some AI last season I haven’t heard a David Cooke song since. So I can’t really help you there. I have gotten into Idol recently though, continuing my trend of waiting until the top 10 to get hooked. He’s a little flaming for me, but Adam Lambert can sing. I definitely have him as my front-runner; just ahead of Danny Gokey with the dead wife and the kid who went last on Tuesday, with Lil’ rounding out my Final Four. My main criticism of the show is that creepy blind guy. Sorry, but can somebody please get him a pair of sunglasses?? You didn’t see Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder staring at the audience all bug-eyed and confused. Seriously dude, rock some shades.

So the Red Sox signed Josh Bard, then dropped Josh Bard, and now the Nationals have picked Bard up. As a Sox fan living in DC, I’m pretty sure this wild ride is something that must be commemorated. How am I supposed to do it? Red Sox Jersey? Red Sox t-shirt jersey? Nats jersey? Nats t-shirt jersey?

-Josh Bard

Oh, this is a no-brainer. You buy both the Sox jersey AND the Nats jersey, cut them each in half and sew them together to make 1 jersey. OR you cut them in thirds and include your high school basketball jersey so you have a Triple Josh Bard jersey a la Big Daddy Smooth.

A few TV shows this year have really fallen off (Flight of the Conchords, Office) from their previous brilliance. Does this make you respect a show like the Wire even more for calling it quits at the top?

-Creed, Scranton PA

For the record I don’t think The Office has fallen off, I think they’re having a hilarious season. And I don’t smoke enough weed to enjoy FOTC, so I’m unaware of their decline. I will say that I think it is very easy for a great TV show to “jump the shark,” and I think The Wire will be remembered for ending at exactly the right time, and not trying to be something that it wasn’t. They knew the story that they wanted to tell, and told it in 5 parts. Most shows don’t have the ability to know the entire picture before they start painting; they usually make it up as they go along. Even a show like the Sopranos was all over the place at times, but The Wire got better every episode and finished strong. But to answer your question, the only thing that could make me respect the show more is if Lester Freamon invented a cure for cancer.

Keep ‘em coming…sportsfanparadise@gmail.com.

Share on Facebook