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First Mailbag of the Decade! (Part I)

Jan 6

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

Happy New Year ‘Disers and welcome back to the blog that started it all. OK, maybe the blog that waited for other people to start it and then tried to capitalize on the craze only to find themselves lost in an over-saturated market. Either way, I have a feeling this is going to be an great year, and what better way to kick ‘10 off then by answering 10 questions from people who are bored at work?

Let’s open up the mailbag and see what we got…


SFPG,

What are the 10 commandments for being hungover at work?

-Greg, Boston

Thanks for the question Greg. I guess when you issue The Ten Commandments for Pooping at Work you become the guy that gets these type of inquiries.

Fair enough.

1. Thou shalt not be late.
If you’re going to try and get away with being morning-buzzed at the office you better make sure you blend in. I don’t care how bad you feel, make sure you get in the shower at the same time as usual so you get to work on time. You may think a little extra sleep will help in the long run but staggering in 15 minutes late arouses suspicion before anybody even smells you.

2. Thou shall shower.
This should be a given, but I think one of the commandments for pooping at work was “thou shall wipe,” so I figured I’d add it. I try not to overestimate my readers.

3. Thou shalt not smell like booze.
Easier said than done. The shower helps but doesn’t completely get rid of the stale scent of ale. Don’t rock cologne unless you usually wear it to work (Commandment 3.1: Unless you’re the only straight guy working for Vogue there is no reason to wear cologne to work), but instead opt for a nice smelling deodorant and apply lots of it. I have been dominating Pure Sport from Old Spice since I was 14 and have received nothing but compliments.

4. Thou shall hydrate.
Being hungover simply means that you’re dehydrated. Despite what the Michelob Ultra commercials tell you, beer is never a good thirst quencher. I recommend a 32 oz Gatorade on the way to work followed by water all day.

5. Thou shall eat a greasy breakfast.
Sausage, egg & cheese breakfast sandwiches usually do the trick. Getting some fat in your gut will help soak up the excess alcohol and start you on the road to recovery.

6. Thou shall take aspirin.
And lots of it. 2 when you wake up and then 2 every few hours for the rest of the day. This, plus lots of water, should ease the headache by early afternoon.

7. Thou shall fly under the radar.
Today is not the day to impress your boss or try and close a huge deal. Push off any important meetings or conference calls for the next day. If you need a reason just say that “there is some additional information that recently came to my attention, blah blah blah.”

8. Thou shall look busy.
If you have postponed obligations you need to make damn well sure that you play the part of somebody who is working hard. I suggest copy/pasting blog columns into your work email or playing games on cantyouseeimbusy.com to give the appearance that you’re trying. (My high score in Cost cutter is now 13,508. Good luck.)

9. Thou shall get fresh air.
You should be taking 10 minutes walks outside every couple hours, even if its cold. A little oxygen can go a long way in making you feel better. Just make sure you avoid the smoking section so you don’t puke on your shoes. I only have 1 commandment for that situation.

10. Thou shall leave as soon as possible.
If you have the type of job that keeps you in the office until 5:00, then leave at 4:59. If you have the type of job that keeps you in the office until your boss leaves, take the next elevator after him/her (just kidding, him). The sooner you get out the sooner you get on your couch for the final stage of the healing process.

Follow these 10 rules and you should be good to go.


S(FP)G,

I am 23 and a hot 18-year-old girl just started interning in my office. Can you provide a refresher course on “how young is too young?”

Thanks,
Pat, Newton

Again…fair enough.

I heard a rule a while back, not sure where but I think it’s pretty well-known, called the “Half-Plus-7″ rule. It states that the youngest female that a male should be able to hook up with is half of their age plus 7 years. This isn’t in a legal sense, but rather a socially appropriate sense.

Pat is 23, which means that he can go after this girl as long as she is half of 23 (11.5) plus 7 (18.5). My advice would be to Facebook stalk her and find out what month she was born in. If she is closer to 17 than 19 I would probably lay off, but if she is almost 19 then go for it with your head held high.

P.S. I LOVE this rule. We know all about Einstein and Copernicus but I have never learned who came up with this. It makes perfect sense. If you’re 30 then your cutoff is (15+7) 22. Kinda steep for someone in their 30s but girls mature faster then guys and 22 means she has had a full year as a legal drinker, so its all good. I also like that this rule precludes a 16-year-old guy from hooking up with a girl under 15 but lets a rich guy in his 80’s land a cougar in her late 40’s. Is there anything more American than that? I think not.


Hey Sports (FP) Guy,

Please rank how good the different post-season systems are in various sports. Also, what do you think of the college
football system of letting computers decide who gets to play for a
championship?

-Andy from L.A.

Thanks for the questions. I’ll answer the 2nd one 1st by linking to the first blog column I ever wrote back on January 8th of 2006.

(Yup, my 4 year anniversary is on Friday. What did you get me?)

I didn’t know how to format back then and hopefully my writing has improved, but I have been lobbying against the BCS since before it was popular to do so. To summarize, I would try to keep the old school bowls in tact, but have them serve as a 1st round of an 8-team playoff. The winner of the Orange Bowl (Big East champ vs. ACC champ) would play the winner of the Sugar Bowl (SEC vs. Wild Card) and the winner of the Rose Bowl (Pac-10 vs. Big 10) would play the winner of the Cotton Bowl (Big 12 vs. Wild Card).

The Wild Card winners would be the 2 teams that finished the highest in the final combined poll (AP, ESPN, Coaches). This year those 2 teams would have been TCU and Florida. I’m working on a format where Boise State replaces Georgia Tech in the Orange Bowl because they finished with a higher ranking, but I’m not there yet. I could go on all day, this is a very very brief glimpse into my thoughts on the matter.

Now to your 1st question, as to which leagues do it best. Simple:

1. NFL. Thanks to bye weeks and home field advantage the best teams, or at least the teams playing the best in January, will almost always make it to the Super Bowl. No other league, sport, entertainment group can come close to the Super Bowl. It is by leaps and bounds the best and biggest championship game in all of sports.

2. College Basketball. I LOVE the first 2 weeks of March Madness. It is probably the best time of the year. It doesn’t get the #1 ranking because I tend to lose interest by the Final 4 once my bracket is shot to shit. Plus, as much fun as upsets are it doesn’t always allow for the best possible championship game.

3. NHL. I have never claimed to be a hockey guy, but at least they know how to make the season more exciting as it goes along. The game play and intensity rise to ridiculous levels during the playoffs, the way the NBA used to in the 1980s. This is the only league that climaxes late in the season.

4. Real World/Road Rules Challenge. The final challenges are always the most excruciating, and due to plot twists and strategic editing they always come down to the wire.

5. Major League Baseball. I don’t watch unless the Sox are playing but 99% of the time the best team wins, which is how it should be.

6. NBA. Did you know that the NBA playoffs went all the way until JUNE!?! I found out when the Celtics kept playing and playing and playing back in 2007. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but I can’t imagine who would watch teams they didn’t care about play a winter sport in the summer.

7. College Football. See above.


Dear SPF guy,

My brother and I had a heated debate (ie, we were drunk & slurring speech) regarding how awesome it would be to enter the office each morning to a WWE theme song. Productivity would be through the roof, we’d stop taking 45 minutes to get “situated” at our desk, and company morale would be better than ever. Not to mention, I would get the chills every time I walked into the office to “Real American”. What is your take? Should companies allow it? If so, what would be your theme?

-Dan “The Impact”/ Medford, MA

My take? I fucking love it. L-O-V-E LOVE IT. I have been fighting for more entrance music in all walks of life, why should work be any different? Companies should only allow it if they want their employees to be awesome, though. If they can’t handle pumped-up awesome people in the workplace then they should stay away from entrance music.

I would probably come out to Shawn Michaels’ “Sexy Boy” song, throw a few flexes around and give my sunglasses to the receptionist. Or maybe the New Age Outlaws song, I could run in and shout “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…SFP Marketing is proud to present to you…” and then just start crotch chopping around the office until my first conference call.


Mike,

What do you think of the moves your Red Sox are making this season?

Tim, NYC

I love them, actually. As soon as we can coax Randy Johnson out of retirement our rotation should be set, then we can set our sights on Bret Boone to fill the hole at 2nd base.


Part II coming soon…

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Fan Mail: More Pooping Techniques

Dec 3

Posted by admin in Mailbag!

A couple months ago I published the Ten Commandments for Pooping at Work in an SFPG mailbag column. Apparently it resonated, because people now think that I am the guy that they should send pooping hints and tips to. I shit you not. Pun intended.


Mike,

I couldn’t not send this to you, enjoy!

How to Poop at Work
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a s eries of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever…Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come until you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you’d gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it’s still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else’s house.
Th e Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you’re trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..

- Heidi, Boston

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VD Mailbag

Nov 11

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

What better way to honor the brave men and women who have fought for our country than with a Sports (Fan Paradise) Guy Mailbag? Of course I’m joking, it’s a terrible way to honor them, but I do have to work today so I might as well make the time pass quickly by sorting through the “Dise email account to see what the people have sent me.

Some of these are a little old because I haven’t done a bag in a while but they’re still somewhat relevant.

***Please send all questions for the S(FP)G,  funny links or pictures of the hot student/stripper from Californication to SPORTSFANPARADISE@GMAIL.COM. I promise to start answering them more frequently.***


Mike,

What do you think the phone calls were like between Lebron James and the Cleveland Browns the day after Braylon Edwards punched a member of Lebron’s entourage (and subsequently the day before Braylon was shipped off to New York)?

- Devin in Rochester

Our first email from Roch-Vegas! I’m pumped!

I’m pretty sure the calls went like this…

Lebron to his “people” (aka Maverick Carter): “Mav, B.E. has gots ta go.”

Carter to Frank Jackson (Mayor of Cleveland): “The King wants Braylon Edwards out of his city.”

Jackson to Eric Mangini: “Eric, if you don’t trade Braylon Edwards tomorrow I will tell Bill Belichick what you said about him at that fundraiser.”

Yes, in my head Lebron talks to Maverick the way Avon Barksdale talks to Stringer Bell…and I don’t apologize for that.

Us, B.

Us.


perkins-2Sports (FP) Guy,

Why does Kendrick Perkins always seem angry?  The guy has already won a championship, he’s making millions, he can always reach the top shelf, and he’s done all of this before he reached the age of 25.  My only logic is that it’s got to be his wife.  First, he’s married and in the NBA, which must suck.  Second, he must look at her and say “shit, I’m stuck with this”.  Your thoughts?

- Dan, Medford

Well Dan, I’ll address your points backwards. A) He is by no means “stuck” with his wife. He can get always get divorced without losing half because this is America and his lawyer will be better than hers. B) Most guys in the NBA are married. Being married in the NBA is the most meaningless stat in all of sports. C) I am not the type of sports fan that pretends to have any insight into the minds of my favorite athletes, so I can’t tell  you where his anger comes from.

HOWEVER, the receptionist at my office used to date Perk in the pre-KG days so I asked her what she thought. She said that he is just a very quiet guy, gets frustrated because he isn’t very smart and he is the one that everyone should call “Big Baby.” Oh, and apparently Delonte West has much worse anger issues than Perk. But that’s all I got, sorry.


Dear SFP,

What is the fantasy sports protocol for starting players that are playing against my favorite team? Do I sit them and save myself the anguish or do I start them and hedge my bets?

-Andy in LA

Good question, simple answer: You have a responsibility to your (fantasy) players, your fans, your league and yourself to put the best team out on the field (computer screen) that you can. To quote Herm Edwards, “You PLAY…to WIN…the GAME!”

Yeah, it sucks to have to play a guy like Peyton Manning or Ronnie Brown against the Patriots, but if that’s smart play you need to make it. Set your lineup to the best of your ability and then turn the computer off and enjoy the hometown team.


Mike,

If you could have 3 people narrate your life, who would they be?

-Matt in Nashville

I said in a recent column that if I had a million dollars I would hire Norman Chad and Lon McEachern to do my everyday play-by-play, but as long as I can remember Morgan Freeman has been the man doing the voice-overs of my actions:  “In 2006, Mike Stiriti graduated from Ithaca College. All they found of him was a muddy set of clothes from last Cortaca, a bar in the basement, and a playstation controller, damn near worn down to the nub. I used to think it would take six or seven years to graduate without doing any studying. Old Mike did it in less than four.”

But you asked for 3 narrators, so I’m going with Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, and “Macho Man” Randy Savage.


Mike,

Today is Veteran’s Day, a holiday everyone has to respect but one that almost everyone has to work during as well. Veteran’s Day totally gets the shaft to Memorial Day, a celebrated day off for all highlighted by barbecues and outdoor drinking. It even plays third (or tenth) fiddle to Labor Day. Veterans Day needs an image do-over or else it will soon be on the level of Flag Day. What would you do to make this holiday over to improve its image?

- Josh in DC

Veteran’s Day for non-veterans is like Yom Kippur for non-Jews. We don’t know when it’s coming, we don’t get the day off, and while it is probably a great day to spend in reflection 90% of us let it go by without spending any emotions.

How would I improve it’s image? Besides shifting it to a Friday in early-August? Easy: Sports.

You want to make Veteran’s Day important in this country? Make November 11th the opening day for college basketball AND schedule two NFL teams coming off a bye week (Jets and Vikings) for a special Wednesday night showdown on NBC. Throw in a West Virginia-Cincinnati college football game on ABC and all of a sudden you have a great day to spend in a sports bar or partying with your friends. Oh, yeah, and give everyone the day off. And probably that next day too since we’ll be hungover. And since Cortaca is this Saturday you may as well give people Friday off as well.


SFPG,

What are your thoughts on this season of MTV’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge, The Ruins?

-Fawn, Needham

I’m thrilled you asked. You may or may not have noticed that, for the the first time since the inception of this blog, I have not written a post about this season’s Challenge. Dating back to when it was BostonMikeWorld.blogspot I NEVER missed a season completely, doing either pre-season rankings, odds, or recaps.

As you might imagine it has been very difficult for me to lay off it, especially because I have been watching every episode religiously (Kelly Anne and Sarah are carrying my fantasy team). Needless to say, I have a lot to get off my chest, but for the sake of time and the fact that most people think they are too cool for this, I’ll keep it short.

Here are the 10 most important things from The Ruins:

10. Evan and Kenny continue to straight-up run the game. It is mind-boggling to me. Everybody knows that they are going to have an alliance with Johnny Bananas and Johanna and whatever other strong girl they choose (this year it’s Susie) yet NOBODY tries to stop them. It baffles me that people like Darrell, Derrick and most of the girls would rather be buddy-buddy and follow whatever Kenny and Evan say than just start their own alliance and take the power players down. I guess their strategy is to be a follower until it’s their time to go to the Ruins and then fight to stay there, but it just seems so moronic. Especially this season, when you have beasts like Wes and Ev who you could align with. You think Kenny wants to face Wes 1-on-1? You think Susie wants to put her undefeated record on the line against Evelyn?? FUCK NO. I just can’t believe the Champs team are so scared of going to the Ruins that they would allow the alliance to control the voting in yet another challenge.

9. The Rookies are terrible. I feel so bad for Brad, he is the only half decent male competitor on his team and they have no shot of winning most challenges. He is like Barry Sanders on a 5-win Detroit Lions team. It’s sad.

8. The producers finally realized that Dunbar is the most unlikable annoying character on the show. And not the Beth-type of unlikable where its good for ratings either. He has had about 20 seconds of total face time.

7. Tonya has serious issues. She should not be allowed on television in the depressed, self-destructive, alcoholic state that she is in. Shame on the producers for casting her an shame on me for watching.

6. Veronica isn’t cool anymore. She reminds me of the popular girl in college who graduated and then goes back for homecoming 2 years later thinking she is still the shit, only to realize that she gained 20 pounds, looks terrible and nobody remembers her anyway. It’s sad, really. Where is Lesbo Rachel when you need her?

5. Susie is the biggest bitch to ever appear on a challenge. Don’t let the smile fool you. That girl is evil.

4. If I could hang out with anyone on that show it would be Cohutta, hands down. I would just shoot the shit with him all day and let everyone else fight.

3. The only thing more surprising than Cohutta beating Wes in the Ruins was that Kelly Anne’s boobs have only fallen out 7 times this season.

2. Speaking of boobs, Shauvon belly-flopping into the water and popping her implant was one of the most hilarious/difficult things I have ever watched.

1. Finally, I would love nothing more than to see Johnny Bananas get his ass kicked. Even his friends hate him. The guy is useless. I hope it’s Darrell.

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Special Mailbag Question

Oct 14

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

Mike,

We all deal with the same problem every October of what to wear for Halloween. Truth is we’re getting scarily close to the end of Halloween being uber-drunk-a-palooza and this year we’ve got the Saturday holiday, kinda like the perfect storm of celebration. This year the popular costumes will be pop culturey things like Octomom, Jon + Kate, or Jacko. I’m coming to you though to throw out a few good ideas of other relevant, funny, conversational costumes for this year because I know you can get outside the box for us. Also please give the female readership some slutty ideas for Halloween too.
Josh, DC

I have no specific slutty ideas for female costumes, just remember that Halloween is the 1 day a year that you can shamelessly flaunt your best physical qualities without your friends judging you. So let it rip. If you come up with something funny then its a bonus, but we’re just looking to see something sexy.

As for male costumes, you MUST be at least somewhat funny. Scary is out. If you don’t make people laugh with your Halloween costume then you have failed. I brought the house down in Saratoga last year with my Macho Man costume. It was fucking epic. Also, you need to take into consideration your size, hair, and facial hair capabilities. Might as well choose someone or something that you think you can pull off.

Here are my semifinalists for 2009:

sunny-philadelphia39040122_al_davis_vmed_5pwidecbmaysglen-quagmiresc027ramonvaughn-790656

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Mega Mailbag: Part “Deuce”

Oct 1

Posted by admin in Bardo, Boston Mike, Karaoke Craig, Mailbag!

SFPG –


Love the site kid. Heres a mailbag question: if you could play golf with any 3 CURRENT athletes who would they be. Also, give me 3 athletes to do the following activities with: strip club, casino, college party, and finally going to war with.


Thanks,
Tom, Syracuse

I have to do a Pats/Ravens fantasy breakdown for the Blog Blitz today so I’m handing this one off to the Mouth of the South. Take it away Craig…

 

Since you said current athletes only, I’ll refrain from typing “CHARLES BARKLEY” three times for every answer. I think for the golf outing, I’m taking one pro golfer to satisfy my desire to watch someone play who is really, really good. But since I want them also to be interesting and kind of a wild card, I’m picking John Daly (might have him stick around for the college party later on, too). And I want to be able to get the most mileage possible out of these encounters when I’m retelling the story at cocktail parties, and “I played golf with John Daly once” would be a great icebreaker to carry around in my back pocket.
As for the other two in my foursome, I’d want to pick two real-life rivals and see what happens when they’re competing on the course. Let’s find out if Chad Ochocinco and Troy Polamalu can play nice. If it turns out that they are actually polite to each other in real life, at least I get to hear Ochocinco say “Child please!” 191 times and read about the round on Twitter later.

Part of me is dying to invite Pacman Jones to the strip club, just for the Cocktail Party Factor, but a bigger part of me wants minimize the chances of getting shot or arrested. So he’s definitely out. I’m taking Mark Sanchez because of the Vinnie Chase-lookalike-factor, Manny Ramirez will be invited along to help bankroll the evening as well as to be Manny, and I’ll throw David Ortiz in there just to bring out the Manny-Papi dynamic. Plus, that trio gives my group fantastic recognizability at any strip club in New York, LA or Boston.

For the casino trip, we’re absolutely taking Tiger Woods. Firstly, he’s the world’s richest athlete. I want to see the ball roll around the roulette wheel with $500 G’s on black. I want to be walking behind him so that when he drops a $10,000 chip, I can pick it up. I want to have a free ride home in a Learjet when I crap out and can’t afford a tank of gas.
Secondly, I want to see how Tiger reacts when he’s getting annihilated by a blackjack dealer. He’s hypercompetitive and the best at what he does, but in the casino he’s just another guy with a billion dollars in his bank account and a 47 percent chance of winning. How does he cope when he hits on 16 against a 10 and busts? Does he throw a fit like when he’s trying to golf and somebody who makes $35,000 a year tries to take a picture of him? I also think it’d be fun to sit down at a poker table with John Smoltz and Greg Maddux, so they’re coming along, too. Maybe Tiger will take us all out golfing afterward. Or maybe he’ll just invite John and Greg. Whatever, I’ve got a party to attend, with…

Chris Cooley, Jason Campbell and Colt Brennan. Hear me out, Tom. First of all, what’s my motivation for attending a college party? To see how much I can drink, dance to “Shout” and try to get laid? Us SFPers are getting to old for that shit…bachelor parties and golf outings are more our speed these days. But I guess if I’m going to go, I’m going to try and turn the party into an absolutely legendary event that everyone on campus will be talking about the next day. For that, I need three relatively young guys who actually went to college (sorry LeBron), and who in all likelihood still know how to party. They need to be recognizable to casual sports fans in the area, as well, in order for them to make a splash at the party. I could try to go to a USC party with Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush, but those kids are probably burnt out on celebrities and wouldn’t bat an eye unless Leinart was making out with Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus while Bush did body shots off of Kate from Jon and Kate. I could go to a Clemson party with Jake Delhomme, DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, but Sheldon Brown would probably keep picking off Jake’s beirut shots until it got really lame. It’s got to be football to ensure the athletes are all well-versed in the college party scene, it’s got to be a big college in a small town to ensure the party is THE event happening in town, and most importantly, it’s got to involve … this guy. I think this excerpt from Cooley’s Wikipedia page explains why: “Cooley, occasionally referred to by his nickname “Captain Chaos,” is known for his eccentric hair styles, affinity for heavy metal music and what one reporter has called an “‘Animal House’ persona”. He’s a legend in Redskins country, so I’m taking him to a party somewhere in those parts with his two young, high-profile teammates. I’m not picky about which college — UMD, Va Tech, UVA or WVU will do fine.

I think I’ll take Chipper Jones with me to war. Sure, it’ll slow us up every time he pulls his groin digging a foxhole, but the guy knows how to use a rifle to kill stuff and is generally outdoorsy. I think Ray Lewis would fit in on a battlefield, and it’d probably be a good idea to get Plaxico Burress some formal firearm training, so he’s in too.
Hope that answers your question.
-KC

 

Bardo,

There is a rumor going around that you work for ESPN. You must have had some run-ins with various athletes and Bristol personalities. Can you be cool and tell us the 3 coolest and 3 douchiest people who have crossed paths with?

- Brian in Cambridge

The rumor is true, I do have ties to the worldwide leader (we’re mandated to call it that) and I have had some run ins with Bristol “celebrities.” If you’re looking for a few names of guys who live up to the cool hype, than I am your provider. The first guy that comes to mind is Bob Ryan. We’ve all grown up with him so its probably some bias, but Bob is always up to talk about the latest Sox games (even if he is actually a lot closer to Shaughnessy’s pessimism than he writes). Also I once got to go to dinner with Bob and Tony Reali which was an all timer. Reali and I basically sat listening to stories about covering the Celtics in the 70’s and 80’s for an hour and a half, in awe.

Either I cant quite divulge the names of Bristol douches OR I haven’t met any so lets just go with the latter. A few athletes I’ve met though who were “femininely clean” though, I can help. Paul Pierce once laughed at a question I asked him in a locker room (though that was Davo’s fault because the question Dave suggested was beyond). Either way, being one of the youngest in a locker room and subsequently getting laughed at… Not so much fun and not something easily forgotten.

Didn’t find Gilbert Arenas very bright when I talked to him, nor when he showed up to a pick up game at the Verizon Center I played in, whilst on the Wizards inactive list. Shaq was as big a character as he comes off. I once heard Danica Patrick utter a politically incorrect statement about an assistant. JJ Reddick was both friendly AND funny. And once heard a horrifying story about long-time Lakers trainer Gary Vitti. I also blew a chance to go out drinking with Pau Gasol, Trevor Ariza, and Sasha Vujacic, who apparently is cool, and instead stayed in with a girlfriend. I guess that speaks more to me being douchey than anything else though so maybe I’ve actually answered that second question.

-JB

 

Mike,

Where do you stand (or should I say, sit) on the topic of pooping at work? Any good strategies for taking a good 10 minute “business sit-down” and any go-to sources for reading material?

- Josh in DC

Dropping a Numero Dos at work, or as Marshall in How I Met Your Mother calls it, “reading a magazine.”

Personally, it is one of my favorite things to do. Taking extended bathroom breaks while you’re earning a salary is very uplifting. Whenever you’re pissed about having to go into the office you should remember than technically, you get paid to poop. Not everybody can say that.

Since this is somewhat of an important topic I think it deserves a few commandments, don’t you think? It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these anyway…

The Ten Commandments for Pooping at Work

1. Thou shalt bring reading material. I recommend a Metro, since it’s a quick read and shallow enough that you won’t get lost in thought, or printing out a Sports Guy column. You can print out a Sports Fan Paradise post but those usually won’t take you longer than a piss to read.

2. Thou shalt stock up on text messages. I let my phone vibrate at least twice during the morning without checking it, that way I have a couple fresh texts to read and reply to while on the can. This is perfect for a time when you don’t want to advertise your endeavor to the entire office by blatantly bringing in reading material.

3. Thou shall not forget to courtesy flush. You never know when your boss’ boss will occupy the stall next to you. Be a good guy.

4. Thou shalt time their shit. If you and a co-worker are “double-barreling” in neighboring stalls, things can get awkward. If you are the one with the loudest process, or if you had to go to the TP roll over 4 times, you may not want to face your partner at the sink. Try and listen to their situation so you can either finish and wash up while they are still doing there thing, or so you can stay in the stall while they’re leaving.

5. Thou shall not talk. Even if you think you recognize someone’s shoes, just don’t say anything. Don’t crack jokes, don’t talk business, just do your own thing. Basically, act as if you’re all getting lap dances at a strip club. You wouldn’t bother your buddy then, and don’t bother him now.

6. Thou shalt wash their hands. I know I shouldn’t have to even say this, but judging by the comment section we have some pretty primitive readers. Soap and warm water.

7. Thou shall not cover the seat with toilet paper. You’re pooping at YOUR office, not at a Brockton McDonald’s. Do a quick once-over wipe of the seat and go to work. A nurse friend of mine once said that it is impossible for any type of disease to be transmitted by a toilet seat, so don’t be such a germaphobe. The key to a healthy shit is being comfortable in your surroundings, both physically and emotionally.

8. Thou shall not poop between 1:00 and 3:00 PM. This is the post-lunch rush. This is when the people with irregular crapping habits are depositing a burrito that sped through their system like Adrian Peterson in the open field. You’re a professional; you don’t need to be dealing with amateur hour.

9. Thou shall not take pictures of their poop and send it to everyone in their fantasy football league. I wish I were kidding.

10. Thou shalt find an Executive Bathroom somewhere in their office building. For us, it was on the 3rd floor: An unlocked men’s room on a floor occupied by a predominantly female company. It was always empty, always clean, and nobody ever walked in. The Executive Bathroom is a place that only the savviest ofemployees know about, a place when men can be men and nobody judges you for taking 20 minutes to read a magazine.

4 Comments

Mega Mailbag: Part I

Sep 30

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

SFPG,

Since you hit it big and are now blogging for NFL.com does that mean you will forget about all the loyal readers at the ‘Dise?

- A Concerned Fan

What is this ‘”Dise” you speak of? That small time blog I used to write for? Already out of sight and out of mind.

Just kidding kids, this is my home. Plus the NFL editor won’t let me swear and says that nobody cares about the MTV Challenges. So it looks like I’m hear to stay. Until Barstool hires me. Then I’m out like Amaechi.

 

Mike or Bardo,

I know you guys are huge Sporcle fans. What is your favorite category ever.

- Doug in DC

I’m not even giving Bard a chance. This is by far the greatest category ever.

 

Dear Sports Fan Paradise,

If you were stranded on a deserted island and could have one person, one album and one meal to survive on, what would it be? The only stipulation is that Bruce Springsteen doesn’t exist.

-Jen, Newton

OK I have a couple questions. Will I be on this island forever or will I be rescued? Because that makes a big difference. And does my person have to eat the same meal as I do? Because my girlfriend is lactose intolerant so that could also make a big difference. I’m going to assume that we can have different meals but are unable to share, and that we will get off the island in a few years, like in Castaway.

I know I sound like a pussy when I say that I would take my girlfriend, but I’m not willing to roll the dice on Megan Fox or some supermodel that could turn out to be a huge bitch. I would need someone of the opposite sex who I know can put up with me for an extended period of time, and that is a very exclusive club.

My meal would either be Thanksgiving dinner or a fried chicken wing plate with mashed potatoes and mac ‘n cheese sides from Coast Cafe. Or maybe Pizzeria Regina or Basta Pasta. I dunno. The more I think about it, I would get ridiculously sick of whatever I ate and I don’t want to ruin one of my favorite meals. And I might as well be healthy, right? So grilled chicken, rice and vegetables.  How’s that for a practical answer?

Finally, an album. While most people would take their favorite band or some epic piece of music history, I would not. I’m pretty sure I’ve answered questions like this before and have always said that I would take an album that would be the funniest to memorize, because I’ll have all the time in the world. I’d also like one that can get me pumped up if I start feeling down about being deserted. That pretty much leaves only one option, right? Jock Jams it is.

 

Hey SFPG,

Now that I’m 25, what is the etiquette for going after a foul ball at a baseball game? I know that I’m too old for a glove, but can I still go all-out for a ball, even if it means knocking people over? I think the best I can do is give it to a kid sitting near me, or make a one-handed catch without spilling my beer. Thoughts?

- Mike, Boston

Yeah you are definitely too old to bring a glove. Also, you are old enough that if you see anyone older than you with a glove you have my permission to punch them in the face. No questions asked. Right in the mouth.

When catching a foul ball you should not move any more than a king can move in a game of chess. That means you can move 1 spot in any direction but never more than that. You can lean over and steal a ball from someone next to you, in front, or behind you, but don’t go balls-out for it unless you’re prepared to look like a jackass and buy new beers for whoever you toppled over.

The exception to this rule is for a home run. If it is a meaningless home team homer, the above rules apply. If it is an away team home run ball then by all means put in a little more effort, but you MUST throw it back into play. Show everyone that you have a good arm but don’t come anywhere near an outfielder. If it is a meaningful home team bomb, then throw out all these rules and make that freaking catch. If it is a historic home run ball worth more than $5,000, throw out the 10 Commandments and do what you need to do.

 

S(FP)G -

I’ve been saying for a while now that Entourage has gotten really stale these past few seasons. Here is a great clip to prove it. If you were a writer how would you inject more life into the show?

-Martin in LA

Apologies to Martin, he sent this to me on August 5th. OK, so I’m a bit behind.

sloan2I would be interested to get his take on this season, because for my money it has been pretty damn good. Way too much about E’s relationships, but there has been some good stuff between Ari and Lloyd and some classic Drama lines. I like that Vince’s movie career is taking a backseat recently, because as the above video proves it was getting quite boring. I am satisfied with Adrien Grenier doing minimal acting while banging a 10 an episode and asking E, Drama and Turtle if they want him to “roll with.”

The show is always much better when they focus an entire episode around one event, like a charity golf tournament, Comic Con, Sundance, Vegas, etc. They need to have more episodes like that and less of the day-to-day bullshit. Oh, and more Sloan. I need more Sloan.

 

SFPG,

We’re debating playoff rosters at work. Sounds like a job for the ‘Dise.

-Michael, Boston

As the proud owner of ticket’s for tonight’s game (9/30) I’m not exactly pumped that the Rangers lost again and I didn’t get to be at Fenway for the clinching game 2 years in a row. That said, I’m sitting 10 rows behind the Sox on-deck circle and I could be witnessing Tim Wakefield’s final start. I hope it isn’t, but I’m not holding back on the standing ovation either.

As for the playoff roster, I think there are 17 shoe-ins, 5 that should make it and then 3 toss-ups. This is how I see it breaking down…

The No-Matter-Whats:

1. Dustin Pedroia

2. Kevin Youkilis

3. Jason Bay

4. Jacoby Ellsbury

5. JD Drew

6. Mike Lowell

7. Victor Martinez

8. David Ortiz

9. Alex Gonzalez

10. Josh Beckett

11. Jon Lester

12. Clay Buchholz

13. Jonathan Papelbon

14. Billy Wagner

15. Takashi Saaito

16. Ramon Ramirez

17. Hideki Okajima

The Most Likelies:

18. Jason Varitek

19. Rocco Baldelli

20. Daisuke Matsuzaka

21. Daniel Bard

22. Casey Kotchman

The Toss-Ups:

23. Nick Green, Jed Lowrie, Brian Anderson, Joey Gathright, Chris Woodward

24/25. Manny Delcarmen, Michael Bowden, Tim Wakefield or Paul Byrd

I don’t think they will go into the playoffs, even a short series, with less than 12 pitchers. Bowden hasn’t been all that impressive lately and has been a mop-up guy, and Wakefield’s health will most likely keep him off. I like Byrd’s experience in an emergency and Delcarmen to make the cut because Francona loves him. Gathright gives them the Dave Roberts type guy for close games, but I’m not sure they can afford to afford to take 5 outfielders and no back-up middle infielders. If Green and Lowrie aren’t healthy enough to go then look for Woodward to get the nod. And if I’m running the team I take Gathright over Delcarmen. But that’s me.

1 Comment

It Happens to Lots of Ballplayers

Aug 20

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

Dear Sports Fan Paradise Guy,

My buddies and I were sitting around last night, drinking and watching the Sox game, when a Cialis commerical prompted a discussion about how the different Red Sox players would react to an unfortunate sexual experience. We came up with a few funny ones but figured you could expand. I’m sober now and it’s not as funny as it was last night, but do your best.

-Steve, Needham MA

 

Is this the most homoerotic mailbag question I have ever received? Yes. Can I still run with this? I think so.

The first thing I thought of when reading this was Jason Varitek quickly pulling off the condom and running to the bathroom with his head down to immediately put his clothes back on. That is a no-brainer to me.

If Terry Francona has a problem performing sexually he would probably explain it to the woman very calmly. “A relationship isn’t 1 night, it’s 162 nights. I’m not going to be able to get it up every single night, but that’s sex. All I can do is come into the bedroom every night and prepare like I always do. I think that if I do that, then over the course of the relationship I’ll be where I want to be.”

(Belichick would be even better. If the woman screamed “Screw me already!” I’m sure his answer would be something like: “I’m just focused on getting this bra off. Right now that is all I am focused on. We will worry about intercourse when it is time to worry about intercourse, but right now our focus is on the bra and what we need to do to prepare ourselves to unclasp it.”)

But lets get back to the Sox. I feel like David Ortiz would be the guy who got dumped by the ugliest girl in town, started popping Viagra and then all of a sudden became a pornstar for a few years until he stopped taking the drug. Every girl he was with would still get excited that Big Papi would be able to bring the magic like he used to, but would ultimately leave the encounter very disappointed. He would deal with this by putting on his huge sunglasses so the woman couldn’t tell how emotionally distressed he was.

J.D. Drew would be the guy with a very natural thrusting motion and all the tools to be a stud, but who rarely if ever delivered in bed except for once a year when he keeps it hard all night and makes the woman feel like he is worth all that she has invested.

Pedroia would probably compensate for his lack of size by being very energetic, while Youkilis would handle erectile dysfunction by punching the headboard and throwing the nightstand across the room. Papelbon, on the other hand, would be terrible in bed until the woman was fed up, at which time he would give her the stare, bear down, and drive it home.

Finally, Dice-K would just explain that in Japan they have sex differently, where the penis is supposed to be limp.

5 Comments

Don’t Be That Guy

Jul 29

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

This one has been hanging around in the draft folder for a while but I figured that I should dust it off and post something before the dirty dozen (my readers) find another upstart blog to check every day.

 

SFP Guy,

I’ll keep this simple since it’s my first mailbag question. Who are some people, in sports or otherwise, that really annoy you?

-Jamie, Somerville

 

Whoa. Loaded question Jamie. I would encourage you to check out my 10 Suckiest column for my least favorite athletes, but here is a brief list of other people who piss me off…

People who wave and talk on their cellphones behind home plate.

People who update their Facebook news feed 100 times a day. Great, you ate breakfast. I hope you choke on it.

While we’re on the subject, how about people who let their relationships play out on Facebook. Single, It’s Complicated, Open Relationship, In a Relationship, In a Relationship with _______, It’s Complicated, Single. We get it, he’s an asshole and you’re an annoying bitch. We don’t need cartoon hearts to tell us that.

People who stand up and try to get to the door of the subway before it stops. Don’t expect me to let go of the bar just as the train is coming to a screeching halt so that you can leave the car 2 seconds earlier.

While we’re on the subject, how about people who push to the front of the train as it approaches a popular stop. This includes South Station during rush hour, Kenmore before a Sox game or North Station before a Celts or Bruins game. There is always that 1 jackass who yells “Excuse me! This is my stop!” expecting the crowd to part for him. Relax buddy, we’re all getting off, go back to Leominster if you can’t handle crowds.

Guys who give girls promise rings.

People who picket.

Those self-righteous morons with the clipboards that try and get me to donate money and save the children, trees, whales, whatever. Listen kid, I just worked (blogged) for 9 hours. I want to go home, crack a beer, and watch PTI. I do not make very much money as it is, and the little bit extra I do have surely won’t be funneled into some bullshit charity where I don’t see how it is spent. If you feel so strongly about the cause then get a real job and donate your own freakin money. Just don’t make me feel guilty about it. Hippy.

Hippies in general.

People who take their jobs too seriously.

People who feed pigeons. They are rats with wings. They are disgusting. Please do not attract them to the bench that I’m trying to chill on.

People who are employed for the specific purpose of talking on the phone, yet can’t speak the language that is predominant in the country they are working in.

Bouncers who make you stand in line to make the bar look cool even when it is not close to capacity.

People who divide dinner tabs to the nearest cent. Don’t be cheap dude, I’ll get this one you get the next one. And, no, I don’t have a quarter.

People who leave me voice mails. I saw that you called. I’ll call you back. Text if it’s really important.

The unnecessarily naked guy in the locker room. I’m not saying you need to be shy, it’s all good, we’re all dudes…but don’t celebrate it.

Fat girls who don’t know how to dress. Seriously…cover it up. There are ways to look good without wearing a tight shirt. I don’t need to see the spare tire.

People who think everything is racist.

On the flip side, people who think that now that we have a black president there is suddenly no more racism.

People who take bar trivia too seriously.

The guys who go to the gym for 3 hours a day. We get it man, you’re ripped. Now go out and use it to impress women or help people lift things.

Ugly girls who think they’re hot.

Hot girls who think they’re hot.

The McDonald’s manager who won’t make me a Sausage Egg McMuffin at 10:31. I don’t get why that isn’t possible. What changes did they make in the back at 10:30? Is it like the garden changing from ice to parquet?

On that note, people with a small amount of power that like to abuse it. Yes, Mr. Concert Parking Lot Security Guard, this is directed at you.

People who go to shitty public golf courses dressed like Tiger Woods and pretending they’re at Pebble Beach. Yes, I hit it into your fairway. That’s because I suck at golf, which is also the reason I play here for $17 a round. Join a freakin country club.

Finally, people who bitch about me not blogging enough.

2 Comments

May Wrap-up Mailbag

Jun 1

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

I’ve had some good emails trickle in over the last month and its time to clean house. Like the real Sports Guy, but unlike the fake mailbag of a few weeks ago, these are all actual questions from actual readers…

 

SFPG-

At what age should you stop wearing a players jersey and instead wear just the team logo. I think it is ridiculous when a 40 year old man is wearing an Ortiz jersey or any other player jersey. There is some point where you need to stop looking up and wanting to be players.
-Rich from Needham

 

I agree Rich. There needs to be some sort of rule system put in place to keep fans in line when it comes to wearing a player’s jersey. Too bad there isn’t anybody with the time or expertise to put something like that together…

 

…of course I’m kidding, this is right in my wheelhouse. Finally a chance to publish the Ten Commandments For Wearing Athletes’ Jerseys:

 

1. Do NOT wear the jersey of anybody younger than you. I don’t care if you’re a huge Lebron fan. If you’re over the age of 25 you just can’t do it. If you’re 40 years old I suppose you can go to Fenway in a Tim Wakefield jersey, but keep in mind that you still have to look at yourself in the mirror.

 

2. Do NOT wear the jersey of anybody shorter than you. I don’t care if you’re 15 years old; if you’re 5′9” or above you just can’t rock the Dustin Pedroia shirt, sorry.

 

3. Do NOT wear the jersey of anybody who has left the team but is still active. You CAN wear a Dave Roberts jersey (if you’re under the age of 37 and over 5′10”) but you CANNOT wear a Nomar jersey. Not yet at least.

 

4. Do NOT wear the jersey of anybody who has retired but played with a rival team after your favorite team. For example, a Carleton Fisk jersey is fine because he never played for the Yankees and is on good terms with the Sox, but Wade Boggs does not pass the test, despite how many Miller Lites he drank on a cross-country flight.

 

5. Only applying to males: Do NOT wear the jersey of any player that has ever appeared on a list of most attractive, handsome, or sexiest athletes. This includes Tom Brady and Jacoby Ellsbury. You can however wear a Ray Allen jersey, that’s your Vicky Mendoza line.

 

To clarify, for those who went to state schools or Westford Academy: If you are a 36-year-old Sox fan who stands 6′3” or above, wearing a Johnny Damon jersey would violate each of the first 5 rules.

 

6. Only applying to females: They sell form-fitting jerseys. You should look into them. If you can’t find one you like then you can buy a Youth Small and cut the sides and and re-sew it. Just a suggestion. Doesn’t hurt. Shows you’re trying. Just saying.

 

7. Do NOT wear a jersey of a guy whose name sounds like that of a small dog or perhaps a pet name your girlfriend gave you. Yup, time to throw away the Pokey Reese and Coco Crisp jerseys…sorry.

 

8. Do NOT wear a jersey if you plan to go to a bar after the game. Every time you enter a social situation you want to be prepared to meet the woman of your dreams. You don’t want your potential wife to tell her friends that she met a great guy in a Glen “Big Baby” Davis tank top at The Harp and thinks he might be the One.

 

9. Do NOT wear a jersey that is not an official or alternate color of the team. White, red, grey and navy blue Sox jerseys = Yes. Green, pink, army fatigue = No. And I don’t care if they bought it on St. Patty’s day, if I ever see someone in a green Chicago Bulls jersey I’m going to walk up to them and punch them in the face. The judge will understand.

 

10. Do NOT wear the jersey of a player who is an unrepented steroid user, rapist, or dog killer.

 

 

lingerie-bowl-460_1007147cHey SFP Guy, heard about the newest New England sports franchise, the New England Euphoria? 

For $65 you can watch hot girls in hockey helmets tackle each other, or for $115 you have the opportunity to have a hot girl land in your lap while diving for a 1st down. Better than Arena Football? No contest.
- Tristan from the Bean

 

Sports Fan Paradise is currently in talks with the Euphoria’s front office regarding a joint marketing campaign. It may or may not include their tightest end writing a guest column and/or Karaoke Craig wearing lingerie. We’ll see…I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

Friends and I are getting a beer softball team together and I have a couple of questions. 1) Got a good name? 2) When recruiting for new players, especially girls, how should we rank the following three qualities: Good player, Good drinker, Ability to cut loose and have fun.

-Josh in DC

 

Good question. Selecting a beer league softball team can be a very delicate process, since its tough to find the perfect mix of athletic ability and laid-back personality. You don’t want a guy who takes it too seriously, especially if they’re not that good. I’d rank the ability to cut loose and have fun as #2, right behind basic athletic ability at #1. I don’t care how funny a guy is or how hot a girl is, if they can’t throw from 2nd to 1st they aren’t someone I want on my team. Drinking ability only matters if it affects their play. If they pass out at the bar after the game thats on them. Finally, throw all the rules out the window if we’re talking about a girl you’re trying to hook up with. Its only rec league softball, winning is secondary.

 

 

Lets be honest with each other. RW/RR must be fixed right? How come the guys never get “Push Over” or “Back Off” in the Duels? Seeing these big beasts get stuck with “Pole Dancer” or “Spot on” or “Elevator” every week while scrawny girls are left for the real fights is getting absurd. How could MTV blow this so badly?
Bardo, New Zealand

 

I agree, I’m as pissed as Evan that he hasn’t gotten the chance to pummel someone in a Duel, and there is nothing more boring than watching Aneesa wrestle some other annoying whore. We can only hope that MTV steps up and gives us what we want.

 

While we’re on the topic, I feel like I owe the handful of RW/RR Challenge fans out there some odds now that we’re down to the Top 10. These are odds of them making it to the final challenge and winning it. While I think Landon could struggle in some of the Duels against Evan or MJ, I don’t think he can lose if he makes it to the last event, where endurance is always a huge factor. As for the women, its pretty wide open.
Guys:

Landon 2/1

Evan 6/1

MJ 8/1

Mark 8/1

Brad 10/1

Girls:

Rachel 3/1

Brittini 4/1

Diem 5/1

Tori 5/1

Aneesa 100/1

 

 

Dear SFPG,What is the most badass thing you’ve ever seen happen live.  For example at St Ubaldo day several years ago in Jessup PA I saw a man get punched in the face, stumble back into the road, then immediately get hit by a car.

Shaun, Virginia Beach

 

The most bad-ass thing I have ever seen occurred in Panama City Beach, Spring Break Volume 2 (or 3, I forget). Two guys each bought a bottle of Black Haus liquor and began a shot contest. One of the kids puked after 1 shot, but a guy I was with got out of the pool and stepped in for the guy who backed out. Both guys ended up finishing their bottles, but the winner was determined when one guy helped carry another up to bed. The kid who lost passed out in a bathtub on top of one of the girl’s razor, rolling around for a few hours and cutting up his back pretty good. Oh, and he also shit himself.

 

What was so badass was that he woke up around 8:00, showered, and then went down to the WFTB (World Famous Tiki Bar). People looked at him like they were seeing a ghost. It was bad ass.

 

 

What would have to happen for you to bet on the Magic in the Finals?
Even if Kobe got hurt in Game 1 I would still pick the Lakers in 6.
This will be an awful finals.  When does Football start?
-Martin in Miami

 

I’m not totally with you here. While the Celts were banged up and everyone grossly overrated the Cavs team past Lebron, the Magic still beat two very good teams. The Magic don’t really have anybody to stop Kobe, but if Odom doesn’t show up and Bynum rolls his ankle in Game 1 this could definitely be a tough series for LA to win. The Lakers have the softest front-court ever assembled and I see Dwight Howard AVERAGING 30 and 20 for the series.
All that said, Lakers in 6.

 

 

SFPG-
I’ve still been enjoying LOST the past two seasons, but I feel like
they’re just spun things so far around that it’s impossible to remember/know what has “happened” any more.  Either way the only way I’ve been able to keep it straight is by watching it with my girlfriend who often has to explain why what someone just said is important.  She is also great at predicting what’s going to happen.
Should I be proud that my girlfriend is so perceptive or shameful that I need LOST explained to me like a child?
-Andy from LA

 

Go back and watch seasons 1-3 before 6 kicks off. If the show is what I think it is they will go back and tie up as many loose ends as possible. It’ll be cool to know whats going on. A helpful hint for understanding Lost, and my key to success over the years, is to SMOKE LESS POT!!! Also, I wouldn’t start feeling ashamed until a girl starts explaining how to drive. That’s when you may want to reevaluate things.

 

 

Dear SFP,
There are a lot of sports movies out there. Some are great, while some are just OK. I always have a hard time picking a favorite because who doesn’t love Ray Allen draining threes in He Got Game, watching the Flying V in Mighty Ducks, and Kevin Costner in every baseball movie ever? I have a really tough time in particular trying to decide which is better Major League or Major League II. Both are classics, but what one movie lacks the other one delivers. It’s hard to pick a clear favorite and is always a topic of debate.  Please enlighten me.

-Matt in Nashville

 

Major League blows Major League II out of the water. Consider yourself enlightened.

 

I’m actually glad you brought up this topic. ESPN put out a list of the Top 25 sports movies from 1979-2004 a few years back, and I have a lot of problems with some of their choices, but at the same time I understand how difficult it is to make a list like this. The biggest problem is trying to figure out what qualifies as a “sports movie.” ESPN’s #1 Raging Bull centers around boxing the way that The Wrestler centers around pro wrestling, but I would argue that they are dramatic character studies as opposed to pure sports movies. Is Brian’s Song a football movie or a friendship movie? The Sting isn’t a horse racing movie, is it? See, its a tough question.

There is no perfect answer, but here is my Top 10:

1. Bull Durham

bull-durham2. Caddyshack

3. Raging Bull

4. Field of Dreams

5. Hoosiers

6. Rudy

7. Slapshot!

8. The Natural

9. Hoop Dreams

10. Major League

 

 

S(F)PG -

I’m taking a law school final exam the other day and I get a text message from my buddy at a Bruce show telling me that Springsteen at that moment was playing Spirit in the Night. I then got so upset that I couldn’t continue to function. I put my head down and sang the song to myself. Twice. Then as Bruce and Crazy Janey were makin’ love in the dirt, singing their birthday song, I started rushed through the exam and just put B or C on pretty much every answer. When I finished the test I closed my eyes and said goodbye to gypsy angel row, hoping the spirits in the night wouldn’t let me fail.

Good move?

-Dave in D.C.

 

Yup…this is my lawyer.
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Mailbag Part II: Part II

Apr 21

Posted by admin in Boston Mike, Mailbag!

HOLLA.

Welcome home everyone.

As sad as it was to leave our cozy home at lite.blogspot I think this address will better suit our entrepreneurial goals.

Due an action-packed weekend that included a Celts game, 2 pub crawls and Marathon Monday festivities I was unable to blog at all…and with Bruce shows tonight and tomorrow I doubt I will be able to do much until Friday.

The site still needs some building and some formatting changes, but theres no reason to leave my readers out in the cold while the IT department is hard at work. Who needs video, pictures or even workable links??? For the first post at the new URL we are going unplugged. Call it the acoustic version of the mailbag. Hit it Max!

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Dear S(FP)G,

CT’s turn on the premiere episode of this year’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge had to be one of the most disappointing–and yet utterly predictable–showings in the competition to date. Everyone knows the guy could’ve single-handedly dominated this season, but, instead, he let Adam get in his head and he did what everyone expected him to do, getting into a physical altercation and getting tossed from New Zealand to boot.

(Meanwhile, wasn’t it just a little TOO convenient how quickly MJ and Nehemiah showed up in their place? If we’re to believe the show’s editing and think that the first contest happened the day after the altercation, how on earth did they get there on time? There’s just no way they could’ve been called up, packed their bags and been flown halfway around the world in time to make the rugby game while it was still light out the next day. It’s legitimately impossible. But it’s also clearly not the case: Thanks to the producers’ sloppy editing, MJ even tells the camera that he got called up “a week ago” and asked if he wanted to go to New Zealand. WTF? Either the whole CT-Adam thing was staged and predetermined, or the competitiors have way too much time between arriving and jumping into the competition, far as I’m concerned. Granted, they must’ve needed a lot of time to learn and subsequently film that really crappy Samoan intro that basically only serves to make Evan look like a huge tool. But, anyway, if the producers didn’t set the fight up for immediate drama and didn’t already have Nehemiah and MJ already in a hotel somewhere nearby, then I’m convinced that the rest of the guys paid Adam off to take CT out. In all seriousness, that’s the smartest play, I think. Either way, though, WE DON’T GET TO SEE THIS. Which is a complete joke. Basically, what I’m saying is this: I need answers.

But I digress…)

Here’s my question: Is there a real-life, professional sports equivalent to CT and his move this season?

The obvious answer would be Ron Artest, but now in Houston, he seems to have calmed down, even if he’s a shadow of his former self. The next obvious choice, I think, would be T.O., when he got suspended by the Eagles a few years back. But, in my opinion? The best option’s gotta be Sean Avery. Brought onto the Stars as the potential torche-bearer to replace the soon-to-be-retired Mike Modano, he’s pretty much EXACTLY like CT in that he was signed not just for his goal-scoring capabilities, but also because he’s a known bruiser, who likes to go after his opponents’ best players, start fights and ruffle feathers. But, only a couple games into the season, he got in trouble with the NHL for calling out the fact that a player on another team was dating his “sloppy seconds”, which, aside from being the sports quote of the year in my book, was used, in this case, as applied to his ex, Elisha Cuthbert. Kind of similar to when CT told Robin and Katie that “if I wanted to get ass, you know where I’d go,” about Diem, right? Anyway, because the rest of the clubhouse couldn’t stand him, the Stars cut him and decided to eat his entire salary. Even though he was only doing what the team’s management had just signed him to do.

You tell me: Is there a better comparison? I think the Cuthbert-Diem similarities pretty much lock it up for Avery. But maybe you’ve got a better one, S(FP)G?

- Pete in Dallas

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Thanks Pete. I don’t live in Dallas nor am I a hockey fan, so while I did read about the Avery situation earlier this year it was not huge on my radar. The problem with your comparison is that Sean Avery isn’t important enough in the sports world, while CT is by far the most volatile and famous figure on Challenge casts.

If I’m comparing CT to a pro athlete I’m looking for a guy who is physically dominant and extremely entertaining, yet not somebody I would want on my team. Someone who is signed with the knowledge that they are most likely going to do something ridiculous resulting in them never stepping foot on the field. If the 6:00 Sportscenter led with “______ has been arrested after an altercation with (insert authority figure) which was triggered by a 911 call from hotel security reporting that ________ was (insert terrible act) in the lobby with (insert farm animal) while using (insert hard drug)” and you are AT ALL surprised then _______ is not the athlete I’m looking for.

The problem is there is no athlete who would normally be the best in his sport that is also capable of doing absolutely anything to get himself in trouble. That is why my answer is a hybrid of Tiger Woods and Pacman Jones. Imagine if Tiger Woods got really drunk off whiskey the night before the Masters and beat the shit out of Anthony Kim, then went to Honey’s Angels and beat the shit out of a stripper. Thats the CT version of a professional athlete.

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A debate we have in my office: If you could be in a serious relationship with _______ but during the length of that relationship you could only hear that person’s music, how long could you last in that relationship? For example to be in a relationship with Nicole Scherzinger, you’d only be able to hear Pussycat Dolls music (obviously this is extreme hypothetical) or you could hear no music whatsoever. She is our (my) clubhouse leader but we’ve had agreed that Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and a few others could span a few months. What do you think of this game, as hypotheticals go, and who are your top seeds?
-Bardo, Washington

Maybe if you guys spent more time firing Jay Mariotti and less time on dumb hypothetical arguments you wouldn’t be playing 2nd-fiddle to a pair of old bald men. I’m kidding, I love everyone at Atlantic Video, I’ll be back soon to do more voiceovers.
Do I get all of Bruce’s music if I date Patty? If so I may do that, even though she is a poor man’s version of the Lost version of Katey Sagal.  That being said I could listen to anything for a night, so a string of quick relationships with someone like Carrie Underwood or Jessica Simpson (before she ate Ashlee) would be top seeds.
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Let’s assume you’re 12 years old and, against all odds, you’ve found yourself either owning/managing or pitching in the major leagues. Which veteran ballplayer giving it one more go would you rather have dating your single mom: Timothy Busfield’s character in Little Big League or Gary Busey’s character in Rookie of the Year? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS IN THESE MOVIES.

- Stinky, Syracuse

If its between those 2 I’ll take Poindexter over Gary Busey any day of the week. Busey is the last guy I’d ever want for a stepfather. If I can choose any cinematic veteran ballplayer I’ll take Crash Davis, slightly edging out Tom Bergeron in Major League. If I’m choosing between actual baseball players it would be Mike Lowell in a landslide.

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I know you’re a big Sporcle guy, what is one category you can’t wait to see?

-Kevin, THE Boston University

3-way tie between “20+ home run guys from RBI Baseball 3″, “all-time cast of Baywatch”, and “girls Jay King has hooked up with.”

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I missed the top 5 mailbag last week but how about this…what are the top 5 uses of the internet? #1 is easy (survey says…porn) but I think 2-5 are pretty debatable.
-Josh, DC

Yeah #1 is a no-brainer. To quote Jenna Jameson’s response to Larry King’s assertion that porn would be a dead industry, “without porn, the internet would be dead.”
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2) Fantasy sports/Gambling. Back in middle school we did fantasy baseball without the help of the internet. My buddy Klinky added up our stats each week using boxscores. This seems so archiac to me that I don’t fully believe we actually did this, but we did. Also, I have never dealt with drug dealers or bookies, but I would guess they are on the same level of sketchiness. Thanks to internet gambling one can satisfy their addiction without driving to casinos or getting their kneecaps broken.
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3) Settling arguments. Thanks to the internet, we now have on demand answers to things that drunk people used to spend an entire night fighting about. What movie was that guy in? IMDB. How do I know that girl? Facebook. How many stolen bases did Brian Daubach have last season? Baseball Reference.
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4) Making plans. How is the weather going to be this weekend? What time does that movie start? Does that restaurant take reservations? How much would it cost if I wanted to fly to West Palm tomorrow morning? The internet answers all of these questions. I don’t know how we lived without it.
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5) Stalking. Facebook and Myspace are the greatest things to happen to creeps since binoculars.
Oh, yeah, honorable mention goes to blogging.
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CC Sabathia is making 14 million this year. AJ Burnett is making 16.5 million this year. Nick Swisher pitched the only scoreless inning for the Yankees last night. I’ve bought expensive sunglasses and been too afraid to ruin them and worn cheap shitty ones, but I dont think that is the right comparison. Care to help figure this one out?
-Steve, Boston

How about going to Vegas and dishing out $500 to get 2 hot strippers to come up to your room, only to have one be a transvestite and the other just grab the money and run away, then going down to the hotel bar and picking up an unattractive girl, and it turns out the be the best sex you’ve ever had? That work?
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