I hate soccer.

And I know what you’re thinking: Mike’s about to go on an obnoxious rant and make fun of something because he’s completely ignorant about it.

Ding, ding, ding! Gutter, tell them what they’ve won!

It’s not as much that I hate the sport of soccer. I mean, if you live in a desolate country and can’t afford equipment for a real sport then I assume it’s better than nothing. What I really hate are soccer fans, specifically American soccer fans, and more specifically those who emerge from their cloud of smug every 4 years.

I’ve been hearing the same bullshit for a month now:

“Oh, I can’t wait for the World Cup…it’s gonna be sooo awesome!”

“It’s so amazing, the entire world comes together.”

“You don’t even get it, you don’t know how important it is!”

Oh, no, I get it. It’s soccer, the same sport that they play in football stadiums across America and draw roughly 800 fans a game.

“No, but all the best players play in the Premier league. The MLS is still growing as a league!”

Yeah, well Manny Delcarmen is still growing as a dependable relief pitcher, it doesn’t mean I pay to see him.

But I’m getting off topic. The point is that soccer ranks way below tennis and slightly above Nascar on my list of favorite sports, mostly because I love excitement, scoring and using my hands and I hate flopping, being bored and stuff America doesn’t dominate.

Now I don’t have my head completely in the sand regarding tomorrow’s USA-England game. I understand that it’s as good a 1st round match-up as you can get if you’re an American soccer fan. I get that Wayne Rooney is good and England has recognizable players. I get that this is the best team we’ve had in years and that it might actually be a good game. But here’s the thing: no matter what the outcome it’s an absolute joke. Think about it, if England wins then all the dorks drinking the US soccer kool-aid are going to be disappointed and everything will go back to normal, England beating us in soccer is like us beating France in American football. Could you imagine that Henry fairy trying to wrap up Adrian Peterson in the open field? Complete joke.

NOW, on the flip side, what if Team USA comes out from halftime with Ducks uniforms on, does a few flying V’s and wins the game 2-1? Then what? That would be like when we almost beat Canada for Olympic hockey gold. Another complete joke. If you grow up playing soccer in America you are either not good at sports or you have an overprotective suburban mother who read an article about how you can get concussions playing football. That’s it. We don’t exactly breed Peles. If poor kids in the US don’t have money for sports equipment they find a basketball and a hoop and a decade later get drafted after a year of “education” under John Calipari. So if we can field a team to beat the best in the world in a sport that hardly anybody here gives a shit about, how can you really call it an important, awesome, amazing sport?


That said, a week ago I thought Twitter was the dumbest thing in the world and you can now follow me @MikeStiriti, so clearly I’m becoming more open to change.

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Today is a very special day here at Sports Fan Paradise. It is the day that both Bardo and Karaoke Craig hit the quarter century +1 year mark. Call it fate, call it coincidence, but 2 of our 3 contributors share a birthday and I think it should be recognized as a holiday: “6/11.” Has a nice ring to it. Sort of like flipping 9/11 on it’s head: all happy stuff, no memories of horrific terrorist attacks.

On my 25th I wrote about the athletes that influenced me during my formative years, but since neither of the birthday boys seem all that inclined to post anymore it looks like I will once again have to step up and get my blog on.

So, in honor of my cohorts, and in the spirit of promoting 6/11 as National Fun Day, I present you with 3 reasons why our children will have an extra school vacation day…

Reason #1 - Thousands of influential people were born on 6/11.

I won’t name them all, but it is certainly an impressive list of movers, shakers and difference makers.

Take explorer Jacques Cousteau (1910) for instance. Not only was the greatest ocean diver ever, but Old Dirty Bastard even paid homage to him with the lyrics “Here I go, deep type flow. Jacques Cousteau could never get this low.” ODB doesn’t rap about nobodies…believe dat.

Are you a sports fan? Good. For 2 reasons: 1) If not you would be in the wrong paradise, and 2) You may be happy to know that both Joe Montana (1956) and Vince Lombardi (1913) call/called June 11th their birthday. Find me another birthday shared by such great football icons. You can’t do it. Impossible.

Do you like actors? What if I told you that Willy Wonka (1935), House (1959), Charlie Conway (1978) and the kid who kissed Megan Fox in Transformers (1986) were all 6/11 birthdays? Do you think that’s a coincidence? Its not. People who were born on 6/11 are genetically prone to landing hot girls, scoring game winning goals, saving lives and building awesome factories out of sugar.

Reason #2 - Thousands of influential people died on 6/11.

Awesome people leave this world exactly when they want to, and more times than not they will choose to kick the bucket on June 11th. It’s a fucking fact, look it up. Why else would John Wayne, the most heroic of American heroes, die on 6/11/1979? Ronald Reagan even timed his death for June 5th so that there would be enough time to plan his funeral for 6/11. Brilliant!

Want to talk about great people? How about Alexander the Great? Great enough for you? That’s what I thought. 323 BC. Boom. Dead. 6/11.

Finally, why would the U.S. government have decided to execute Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh on 6/11/01, the mirror image of 9/11/01, if they didn’t want a blogger to someday start a campaign to make 6/11 an anti-terrorist holiday? They know what they’re doing, that’s why.

Reason #3 - Thousands of important events occurred on 6/11.

If not millions. I don’t even know where to begin. The Trojan War (1184 BC), Henry VIII marries Catherine of Aragon (1509), and the Continental Congress appointed Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin to draft a declaration of independance (1776) all on National Fun Day. Sir Barton became the first horse to win the Triple Crown (1919), Ben Hogan won the U.S. Open with a crazy comeback (1950), and in 2004 David Ortiz homers in the 7th and hits a game-winning single in the bottom of the 9th to give the Red Sox a 2-1 win over the Dodgers, a win that set the tone for the team’s first championship season in 86 years.

I don’t know what else I can tell you. If this hasn’t proven that 6/11 is more than just a coincidental joint birthday then I don’t know what could. So come aboard the 6/11 = National Fun day bandwagon. It will mean a lot more than a Facebook wall post.

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We just played like a bunch of women tonight. We’ve got some great players on this team, but we don’t have the players with the heart sometimes that we need. And today, when you see Kobe slapping high-fives and his guys throwing behind-the-back passes and shooting lay-ups on us all day long, it seems that someone would try to play stop on defense and, until we get our hearts where they belong, well, we’re in trouble.

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So apparently I promised that I would write a BoB column by May 10th. My bad. That said, the entire point of running your own blog and not getting paid for it is that you can blow off self-imposed deadlines. Probably how a small business owner feels when he calls in sick. There’s this little guilty feeling followed by a wave of “eh whatever, screw it” that washes over you. As you can tell, I have been basking in that feeling for a while now, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel bad for leaving my readers a little high and dry.

So with that in mind, it’s time to get down to business. Last year I came across a “Best Of” edition of Boston Magazine and felt that the list sucked, or at the very least was missing the mark when it came to my demographic. Being the blogger that I am (or was) I took it upon myself to give the people an edited list of the best spots in Beantown, focusing on fun spots that don’t require a 6-figure salary to enjoy. I followed it up a couple weeks later with Part II, dishing out a few more accolades for Hub superiority. Never one to rest on my laurels (who am I kidding? I have been passed out on my laurels for a while) I think it’s time to update the list.

McKinnon’s is still the best butcher shop, Coast Cafe still has the best soul food, and a lot of the places I wrote about last year are still kicking ass. That said, I have grown up a little in the past year, moved from the culturally diverse Central Square to Charlestown’s more dog-and-baby-friendly Monument Square, and am no longer dining at the buffet known as Boston’s singles scene. I traded hipsterhood for yuppyville, and now when I go to bars I am more concerned with hunting virtual Big Bucks and less with hunting impressionable girls who are into short, dark and handsome sports bloggers. But through it all I am still the same guy with the same tastes (and unfortunately the same bank account) so I can still tell you where to go when you come to my city. And make no mistake about it, despite future address changes Boston is and always will be my city.

So let’s do this thing shall we?


It seems fitting to get things going with Best Sports Bar…
2009: The Baseball Tavern
2010: Game On! (82 Landsdowne St.)
I have enjoyed my time at the Tav, rocking out all 3 floors and the awesome roof deck. It was an easy choice for this category last year, but recently things have changed, specifically an addition to the deck (ugly white tarp covering that kills the outdoor atmosphere) and a subtraction from the basement (Buckhunter machine). C’mon guys…it’s like you don’t even care about being named SFP’s BoB again. For shame! Needless to say, Baseball Tavern left the door wide open for a challenger and Game On! stuck right in and stole the award. They boast over 90 sick TVs, tremendous bar food (I recommend the wings and the steak tips), 2 (count ‘em, 2!) Buckhunter machines, AND hotter waitresses. And if that wasn’t enough they have a batting cage on the bottom floor where you can watch the Sox take BP before the game, and actually take some hacks yourself on non-game days. Factor in the fact that Baseball Tavern is an absolute sausage fest and Game On! actually has some cute clientele and it’s a no-brainer for any Sports Bar experience.


Best Dive Bar
2009: Sidebar
2010: An Tain (31 India St)
I gave An Tain the nod for Best Irish Bar last year, but it was an inappropriate casting decision. An Tain is as dive a bar as you will find in Boston, and given the current state of the union their dollar drafts deserve proper recognition. I still like Sidebar as an after work spot, but they close too early and the set-up isn’t great for mingling. An Tain is the kind of place you will go for a beer and stay for 2 hours, all the while spending less than you would on a round of shots at a douchier establishment. Oh, and they also have Golden Tee for those of you sick of hunting Big Bucks.


Best Pizza Place
2009: Pizzeria Regina’s
2010: Ducali (289 Causeway St.)
Don’t get me wrong, I still LOVE Regina’s. I still think it’s probably pound-for-pound the best pie in town. But they used to say that Chris Benoit was pound-for-pound the best wrestler in WCW and we know how that turned out, so maybe it’s time to crown a new winner. If Regina’s has a flaw is that it’s too popular. There is always a line halfway down Thatcher St. and the place is filled with annoying families and clueless tourists. Ducali, on the other hand, is relatively new, not a zoo, and has great food. It is reasonably priced despite a more upscale feel, has 10 beers on tap, and also features some other options besides pizza in case you’re dating a lactard.


Best Bar Menu
2009: Cask’n'Flagon
2010: Silvertone Bar and Grill (69 Bromfield St.)
Despite performing admirably when hosting my 26th birthday party, Cask doesn’t even have the best bar menu on Landsdown St. (see above). Silvertone deserves the SFPBoB because it scores on food, atmosphere, but mostly food. Their menu is like the 2003 Red Sox batting order, just top-to-bottom dominant. They take comfort food to a level that you only see on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, with dishes like the meatloaf & mashed, mac & cheese, and jerk chicken with fried bananas. You can’t go wrong with anything you order, so my advice is coordinate with your date or dinnermates and share a few things so you can try as much as possible.


Best Breakfast
2009: Zoe’s
2010: Sound Bites (74 Broadway, Somerville)
While I’m still a fan of Zoe’s, their milkshakes are almost too good. It puts me in a stomach coma before my eggs hit the table. Plus, I don’t live within walking distance to Harvard Square anymore so that hurt Zoe’s status too. In the market for a new favorite breakfast spot I made my way to Sound Bites, and let me just say it was an absolutely religious experience. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was the best breakfast I have in my life. My girlfriend and I split a Basic Plus (2 eggs, homefries, bacon, Everything bagel) and an EPIC plate of Peanut Butter & Banana stuffed French Toast. It was like Studio 54 in my mouth. The knock on Sound Bites, and the reason it took me so long to get there, is the long ass line that forms every Saturday and Sunday morning. My advice, go during the week if you ever find yourself with a day off, or just wait in the fucking line. It’s worth it, trust me.

Special Bonus SFPBoB!
Best Sunday Brunch: Tavern on the Square (Central Sq)
IF you don’t feel like waiting in line at Sound Bites here is an alternative. Tavern has themed Sunday brunches that include everything you could possibly want to put in your stomach. Their buffet incorporates all the best breakfast foods, an omelet station, pasta, salads, chicken wings, and a dessert table that would intimidate even Stan Van Gundy. I recommend going on a Sunday when the Pats or Sox are playing at 1:00. Get there at 12:30 to secure a table, start things off with a Bloody Mary and some breakfast, then slowly make your way to the wings and ziti by halftime/4th inning. Pacing yourself will be next to impossible and you will undoubtedly feel like death by the time you leave, but it’s worth it. Go the day before you start a weight loss competition.


Best Date Spot
2009: Ivy
2010: Figs (42 Charles St. Beacon Hill or 67 Main St. Charlestown)
If you’re picking up what Todd English is putting down but can’t afford his flagship restaurant Olives then Figs is a great substitute. Cozy atmosphere makes conversation easy, an affordable menu keeps things chill, and the all-around classiness makes you look like you know what you’re doing. Having said that, if you truly know what you’re doing then every place on this list is a great date spot.


Best Sub Shop
2009: Al’s State Street Cafe
2010: Buccieri’s Cafe (260 Franklin St.)
Al’s is still delicious and cheap but it’s like the DMV on crack during lunch hour. People pushing and shoving and yelling orders, like there’s a dozen soup nazi’s and no clear lines or order. For a friendlier experience with arguably better sandwiches, head towards Post Office Square and visit The Booch. Their bread is delicious, everything is very fresh, and you can still get a sub, drink and chips for $8. I highly highly recommend the chicken salad, meatball and the “Salem St”, which is one of the best Italian sub’s I’ve ever had. The roast beef and the buffalo chicken round out my top 5 there. The only downside is that they’re only open on weekdays, but I try to avoid the financial district on the weekends anyway so that’s not an issue for me.


Best Trivia Night
2009: Coolidge Corner Clubhouse
2010: White Horse Tavern (116 Brighton Ave. Allston)
Morgan at CCC is still as good a trivia MC as there is, but his format lacks structure and there are no cash prizes. White Horse offers Stump! every Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday nights and is a good place for a cheap meal too.


Best Outdoor Drinking Experience
2009: Baseball Tavern Roof
2010: Tavern on the Water (1 8th St. Charlestown)
This may be a little bit more Chucktown bias but I don’t care, TOTW is the shit. Great food and great roof and side decks. Usually pretty filled with cougars too. Not a great place to watch a game but once the Celts Beat L.A. again that won’t be too much of an issue. This spot is perfect for when the weather is good. Other great outdoor spots include the The Landing at Long Wharf, the patios of The Times and Grand Canal, and the roof deck of Rattlesnake Bar & Grill.

Tia’s is good too if you want to rub elbows with douche bags.


That’s all I got for now. I would say “more to come later in the week” but let’s not kid ourselves.

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Starters:

C: Dwight Howard over Kendrick Perkins - The star of the Magic who controls the boards and mans the paint. It won’t be as easy for Rondo to get around him as it was Shaq. Howard is hardly a dominant offensive player but Perkins will have his hands full keeping him off the glass.
PF: Kevin Garnett over Rashard Lewis - Could go either way here, but Garnett is the heart of this Celtics team and he’s found a solid offensive rhythm in round 2. Lewis is a hell of a scorer but he’s not in the same class of defender as Garnett, even with a bum leg.
SF: Paul Pierce over Matt Barnes - Despite his recent struggles while playing with foul trouble as a result of covering LBJ, Pierce delivers when it counts. This one is no contest.
SG: Ray Allen over Vince Carter - Carter is a hit-or-miss kind of player and Allen is the model of consistency. If he gets his outside shot going, the Celtics are nearly impossible to beat.
PG: Rajon Rondo over Jameer Nelson - Rondo is playing as well as anyone at the position. Nelson may be an upgrade from Cleveland’s Mo Williams but he’s no Rondo.

Bench:

C: Rasheed Wallace over Marcin Gortat - Sheed may have coined CTC but the guy’s got rings and had a fairly encouraging Round 2 after a lackluster regular season.
PF: Big Baby Davis over Ryan Anderson - Ticket Stub always makes the most of his minutes… except for the occasional brain fart.
SF: Mickael Pietrus over Michael Finley - Finley’s a little washed up and I like Pietrus’ athleticism.
SG: Tony Allen over J.J. Redick - Defense wins championships. He could handle Vince or Rashard if one of the starters get in foul trouble.
PG: Marquis Daniels/Nate Robinson over Jason Williams - Because 2 black guys are better than 1 white guy. Besides, this doesn’t really matter since Rondo plays 42 minutes a game.

Coach: Gotta give Doc Rivers the nod here. The man has a ring and he’s a former player, plus he has a veteran team that knowns how to succeed playing playoff basketball. Stan Van Gundy is a great coach but he’s not perfect and he looks like Ron Jeremy, so right off the bat, he’s at a disadvantage.

Prediction: Celtics in 6. You heard me. See you in LA, Scalabrine!


UPDATE:

Sounds familiar.

0:00: Nelson misses a half-court heave that comes a little too close for any Boston fan’s liking. Our final score: Boston 95, Orlando 92.

Put it this way: I don’t think Orlando has a chance playing the style it played, with the lineups it used, against this particular Celtics team. Other than Howard’s spot, they are worse at every other position. They aren’t as tough. They can’t rebound better or protect the rim better. They can’t catch fire with 3s because Boston won’t let them get open looks. They can’t really stop Rondo or Pierce. They’ve lost home-court advantage. They have to come up with something drastic — and I mean, drastic, as in, “Let’s go Sampson/Olajuwon with Howard/Gortat” — to change what’s happening here. And even that probably won’t work. Not when the Celtics are locked in like this.

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Thanks to Matt for the clip

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Reader Email from Andy in LA…


WHO MY BABY’S DADDY?

The following are all replies that Cleveland , Ohio women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing ‘father’s details;’ or putting it another way. . . Who’s yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms!

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Willie McKinley. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Quincy Ave. where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced. That would be the daddy.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian.. I think that my son’s conception was ejaculate stuff on a tawl and that he is an axident.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for his wife. I am torn between doing right by you and right by him. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Lairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my Otis Redding CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time . . . well, I don’t have clue.

9.. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at the Art Museum; it really was in the room with the statues of them peoples with they legs cut off .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Hough Ave. , mine might have remained unfertilized.

And the favorite of many. . .

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.

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