Hollywood has the Golden Globes, Seaside Heights has the Guido Globes.

That’s right, it’s time to hand out some awards for the greatest reality show of all time, MTV’s Jersey Shore. The Guido Globes, celebrating the best in fist-pumping since 2010.


Best Original Dance Move

The nominees are…

Pauly’s Beat Beat
“We’re beatin’-up-the-beat, that’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First, we start off by banging the ground, we’re banging it as the beat builds ‘cause that beat’s hittin’ us so we’re fightin’ back, it’s like we beat up that beat.”

Snooki’s Back Hand-Spring
Perfect for attracting nice juiced hot tanned guys.

Ronnie’s Creepy Patent Move
He doesn’t even know how he invented it. It just happened. He loves the beats and now he’s going to break it down dancing.

And the winner is…Pauly D for beating up the beat! The Fist Pump is sweeping the nation. You cannot stop it you can only hope to contain it.

The next category is Most Glorified Inanimate Object

The nominees are…

The Hot-Tub
The good news: The tub WOULD have filtered fast enough to kill the herpes.
The bad news: It didn’t account for the hair gel.

J-Woww’s Left Breast
Simply dominated the first couple episodes.

J-Woww’s Right Breast
This was my sleeper pick. Definitely flew under the radar for a while before coming on strong in AC.

Ham
HAM!

And the Guido Globe goes to…J-Woww’s Left Breast! If I know anything about the Right Breast it will be the first to call and congratulate. It has always been a classy tit.

Moving on…

Best Nickname. The only nominee is “The Situation.”

If there were a nickname hall of fame then “The Situation” would be like Roberto Clemente. They would waive the 5-year waiting period and elect it immediately. Mike may not have been the deepest guy or the coolest reality TV character ever, but his nickname will live in infamy.

The next Globe to present is the “CT, We Hardly Knew Ye” Award for leaving a reality show before it was their time.

The nominees are…

Angelina “Jolie”
You took pride in cock-blocking and you thought that you were naturally hot and awesome, when in reality you couldn’t have been more annoying and you made Mike look like a good, down-to-earth guy. But this isn’t why you got kicked off. Your work ethic was about as existent as one of J-Woww’s “shirts”, and you didn’t have the balls to talk to Danny face-to-face, so you and your trash bags got the boot. My boss said that he needed to have a word with me the other day and I told him that I would only talk to him in the bathroom. He wasn’t amused. Apparent Jersey Shore hasn’t swept the entire nation.

Brad Ferro
You landed the Punch Heard ‘Round The World. Too bad it was on a girl that wasn’t even 5-feet-tall and on national television. You lost your job as a special needs gym teacher and are now the poster-boy for domestic abuse. But hey, look at the bright side, as soon as I learn how to podcast you’re one of my first dozen calls. I promise. Keep your head up.

J-Woww’s Morals
You have a boyfriend. You love him. You can’t imagine your life without him. But you saw Pauly’s pierced penis within 48 hours of being on the Shore.

And the winner is…Brad Ferro. Serious question: Has anyone EVER made this much of an impact on television in 20 seconds of air time??? I don’t think so. Even the American Idol failures get 2 minutes. Hell William Hung made an album that sold like 35,000 copies. Brad Ferro we HARDLY knew ye.

OK lets get to the next category, Best Hair

The nominees are…

Pauly D’s Blowout
But don’t let the spike hair fool you, he’s not a bitch.

Sammi’s Extensions
They look natural. No really, they do.

Snooki’s Poof
She invented the freakin’ poof.

Ronnie’s Blow-Hawk
3 parts gel, 2 parts Ron-Ron juice, 1 part creepiness.

And the winner is…Snooki, of course. She INVENTED the freaking poof!

OK, only a couple categories left. Next up, Best Advice.

The nominees…

Pauly D: “Poor girl… she needs to take some karate classes or somethin’. She needs self defense. Somebody’s got to teach her how to fight…or duck.”

Ronnie: “Never fall in love at the Jersey Shore.”

The Situation: “If you want to look somewhat like The Situation, which is gonna be pretty hard, you need to get that protein in your diet.”

The Situation: “I wait till the last minute to shave, I wait till the last minute to put the shirt on ’cause you feel fresh. These are rules to live by, shave last minute, haircut the day-of, maybe some tanning and the gym. You gotta do the guido handbook.”

The Situation: “You better be hittin’ the gym & if you’re not hittin’ the gym for like an hour or so, you know, you may have a problem. Ok, cause I’m at the gym for like an hour-and-a-half.. ya know?.. workin’ on my fitness.”

The Situation: “When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”

The Situation: “As long as you keep calling there will be success in your numbers game, it’s just like anything…Everybody gets stood up, everybody gets hung up on and rejected, I’m not saying I’m not, I’m just saying 9 out of 10 times I’m good wit it.”

And the winner is naturally The Situation. “I mean this situation is gonna be indescribable, you can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into the situation.”

Finally, the Guido Globes for Most Valuable Guido and Most Valuable Guidette.

Angelina, you were useless. Nobody batted an eyelash when you were kicked off the show. It would have been like Janice getting kicked off the Sopranos. Good riddance.

Sammi, you were the best looking female on the show (I guess…right?) but you were the epitomy of an annoying girlfriends. You could find drama in a piece of white toast. Ronnie had the potential to win MVG and you absolutely ruined him.

J-Woww, you were probably the preseason #1 and front-runner for this award, but sadly you disappeared as the season went on. Aside from a couple good fights you were nonexistent, like Jimmy McNulty in Season 4 of The Wire.

Snooki, congratulations. You deserve this award as much as anyone has ever deserved an award. You not winning this award would be like Tiger Woods not winning the Black Golfer of the Decade Award. You dominated from start to finish. Had you decided to leave on day 2 it would have been one of the greatest unknown tragedies since Mike Stiriti quit JV football sophomore year. You danced like a champ, you took punches like a champ, and God damn it you invented the freaking poof. Through it all I can honestly say that you were someone I could actually see myself being friends with. Through all that fake tan and makeup is a genuine person and I’m glad that America got to know you.

(Was that the deepest, most poignant thing ever written about Snooki? Has to be, right?)

OK, on to the Most Valuable Guido…

Vinny, you’re a good dude. Someone that I could totally see myself being friends with in some alternate universe where colleges didn’t accept people based on grades or test scores. You’re a real dude. But you brought about as much to the table as Dunbar in a RW/RR Challenge. Sorry buddy.

DJ Pauly D…what is there to say? You were by far the coolest house member and you were downright hilarious. I would pay money to party with you. (Just not $5,000…sorry). You single-handily carried segments, if not episodes, and Stevie Van Zandt would be impressed by your sidekick skills. You just didn’t have enough story lines to win the award. Maybe next year.

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. I gotta say dawg I’m disappointed in you. I had such high hopes! In the first episode you were guy who liked to get “filthy, creepy and weird.” You took your shirt off and girls came to you, like flies to shit. What happened to the guy that said “If I was just gonna get sloppy, I should have just pounded out what’s her name on Friday night.” You changed, bro. Sammi ruined you and you know it. I hope the smushing was worth it.

And the winner is…The Situation. He changed the game. Simple as that.

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