So I got hammered last week. I didn’t know Richard Seymour would suit up for Oakland, nobody saw the Pats game coming, the Chiefs were up all game and blew it at the end to still lose by more than 12.5 and the Giants fell .5 short of covering. In my mind I should have been 8-8. But no hard feelings Week 1, let’s just agree to see other people.

This week’s spreads baffled me so much that I have skipped over a WTF edition of NFL Picks (where I throw logic to the wind and guess) straight to a Who Would Win in a Fight edition. It is unprecedented to enter this zone so early in the season, but when you go 4-12 in Week 1 and somehow feel like you know even less going into Week 2 then its desperation time. If I don’t finish .500 this week I’ll have to bust out a WWSD Week 3 (What Would a Stripper Do?) and its WAY too early for that…

 

Raiders +3 over CHIEFS

A Raider would rape and pillage and Indian village before they could even say peace pipe. There is historical precedent for who would win this fight.

 

TITANS -6.5 over Texans

Nothing gets bigger than a Titan. When The Undertaker wrestled Yokozuna they didn’t call it the Battle of the Texans.

 

Patriots -3.5 over JETS

Jets can’t think. Patriots can. If a jet crashed on a patriot then the patriot would die, BUT Patriots also fly the planes. And they built the planes. So Pats it is.

 

Bengals +9 over PACKERS

A 1930’s Wisconsin meat packer would not last long in a cage with a tiger. Especially if he smelled like meat.

 

Vikings -9.5 over LIONS

A lion would not last long in a cage against a Viking, assuming he had one of those awesome double-ax things like the Gimli in Lord of the Rings.

 

Saints PK over EAGLES

Sure, an Eagle would talon the shit out of a saint, but there is something to be said for having God on your side. How do you think Trot Nixon got all those big hits for the Sox? What? HGH? And Steroids? Gotcha.

 

falcons_cheerFALCONS -6 over Panthers

Hmm…the first real debate. Falcons have the speed and the aerial attack, while Panthers have the size and strength. I would give it to the Panther except he has a 220 lb. washed-up quarterback riding him, so this one is going to the birds. CHUCKTOWN LOCK.

 

Rams +9.5 over REDSKINS

See the Raiders-Chiefs game.

 

Jaguars -3 over Cardinals

Cardinals are not birds of prey and Jags are pretty badass so this one is easy. Plus, historically, cardinals get tired when they fly 3,000 miles before a fight.

 

Seahawks +1.5 over 49ERS

I don’t even think these 2 would fight. They’d both just sit there. The NFC West sucks.

 

BILLS - 5 over Bucs

A Buccaneer isn’t a “rape and pillage” type pirate like a Raider, they’re more “get drunk and dance” type pirates. Therefore a buffalo would run them right over.

 

BRONCOS -3 over Browns

The Browns are named after their founder, Paul Brown, who is dead. So, I’m giving it to the horse.

 

CHARGERS -3 over Ravens

Pretty much anything dies when it is struck by lightning.

 

Steelers -3 over BEARS

Bears are big and scary, I get that, but so are the guys that go to blue collar Pittsburgh bars at quitting time.

 

Colts -3 over DOLPHINS

I love flipper but I wouldn’t take him in a fight against any other animal, especially if its on grass.

 

Giants +3 over COWBOYS

Tony Romo sucks.

 

Karaoke Craig 7-9
Bardo 6-10
Mike 4-12